Coping with the negativity

[maz]

Im off to Melbourne this weekend....I should be happy to be going..have a break with J man and the amigo's but I know our parenting will be put under the microscope as J man's brother, wife and 3 children will also be there.

We believe in allowing our children to lead the way for themselves...eg I never times my childrens feed's as babies, I let them tell me. We allow them to choose thier clothing as they are the one's who have to wear it, we speak our mind in our house...if something bothers them we are open enough to say what it is and how to fix it together. I like letting my children explore whats around them...eg if we are at the beach and they get wet so be it and if they want to crawl into our bed and sleep cuddled into us then im more then happy to snuggle

BIL well more wife clock work feed's her babies....no messy hands....everything sterile and disposable (doesnt help that BIL is a nurse). No I see the 'looks' when we get our cloth out...I never say YOU SHOULD USE THEM. NEVER! I keep my parenting choices to myself. I like to have my babies close so have had a few carriers over the years...yes more looks. I know that when bedtime comes....Mini me and Tank will freak and I'll be cuddling with them to hear whispers.

It makes me so sad and depressed I get told all the time what I should be doing....get questioned if I ask or try to disipline my children in my why what they have done wrong infront of them (a big no no for J man and me). I get told what medicine to shove down their throats and petrolyem based nappy rash cream to use when Im not interested yet I am the arse if I stand up and say dont make me feel bad.

One SIL is pg with her first and is a pead's nurse so as soon as you mention something she knows exactly what your takking about and how to fix it and proceed's to tell ME how I should be doing things

How do you deal with the narkyness? The non support...I really feel very heavy hearted atm....

[BekZ]

Awe Maz I feel for you. You can't control what they think is the "right" way, the only thing you can do is to be comfortable in your own way and happy with your decisions. In the long run if you are happy then who gives 2 hoots about what anyone else thinks?

If anyone questions me or challenges me I simply tell them that parenting has many ways and I am doing what is right for MY family...but thank you very much for your point of view

[Mak]

Having a similiar day here Maz - it can be really hard.
Remember you are the expert in your kids and do a great job. TBH I have given up trying to explain to people who are not really interested....and tend to keep quiet about things unless pushed. xxxxxxx

[maz]

I think what gets to me the most are the looks and the questioning. Im proud no end of how my children are..and how much I have grown as a parent (I was such a cow 4 years ago in comparison) I really find it unnerving

I can just hear the tut's and the YOU DONT NEED THAT THING when Mini me get's her dummy out for bed time either.

ahhhhhh no wonder I stay home thanks guys

[BekZ]

Maz - When you get those looks remember that they are not walking a mile in your shoes and that they don't have the intelligence to realize that not everyone does it the same way as them

[Mrs Shrek]

Maz I feel your pain. I don't get why people look at us "hippies" strangely though. Everything you've described about how you parent, sounds logical and sensible and gentle and loving. That's kinda how I deal with this stuff - I look at the mainstreamers like they're the ones being weirdos and if I'm questioned about stuff I turn it around on them and question them. e.g. "Are you STILL feeding him????" me: "... *puzzled look* uh, yeah - he's only 3!!!" then I roll my eyes.


Seriously though, I know it's hard when your values are questioned. It's so much more difficult to swim against the tide. Gentle and thoughtful parenting takes so much strength sometimes, not just in the actual parenting but in the justifying and the explaining to other people. We have to be really thick-skinned and really confident in the way we do things.

Good luck hun you'll be right. One strategy I have learnt for growing a thick skin is to visualise a force-field around you, with their looks and comments bouncing right off. Big hugs to you xoxo

[Arimeh]

I can just hear the tut's and the YOU DONT NEED THAT THING when Mini me get's her dummy out for bed time either.

Ahhh yes I got a lot of that before DS had given up his dummy - when he was ready to! If it had been more trouble than it was, I wouldn't have made him give it up, so obviously he was ready to get rid of it!!

Then you've got the toilet training bizzo... crying themselves to sleep bizzo.. ahhh.. its wonderful having your parenting style under the microscope isn't it?

Come visit me instead

[maz]

Yes im the family hippy..the crazy SIL who makes her kids wear those cloth nappies and eat what they like, the one who has the piercings and is a SAHM who doesnt work stupid hours like them

I know...I know FIL is going to pick on the fact that Tank isnt talking yet, that Mini me doesnt want a bar of him and that Dudie and Mario are free spirits.

Flying to Tassie is looking might good right about now Mel

[Arimeh]

Flying to Tassie is looking might good right about now Mel

Wooooot! I'd love to see you! I won't give you any crap at all either teeheeehee

[maz]

but you know I would be the one in the bad book's if I did that cause I would be depriving my children from seeing thier aunties and uncles and their cousins

I asked J man to go without me so I could be home alone....man I would love that imagine how much work Id get done but then I would be sitting here stressing out that there doing horrible things to my babies

[LionsandBears]

Can you get a t-shirt that says "I have no tolerance for judgemental know-it-alls."

Sounds like they've got a lot of time on their hands to be worrying about how you raise your kids. Do they purse their lips like cats' bums too? If the kids are not running around someone's house screaming and jumping on the furniture and are well behaved and respectful, then who cares what someone's parenting choices are?

What concerns you the most? What someone thinks of you? Or that they're small-minded idiots who haven't grown out of whispering about some other kid in the classroom? That they feel free to make comments about your parenting style while you bite your tongue? That you don't have a good come back for their comments?

I know it's uncomfortable to deal with, but you know you're doing the right thing and your kids are well loved and happy. When you hear them whispering on the other side of the wall, stick your tongue out and give them the birdie. Don't pretend to smile at them while they judge you. Just do your thing and feel how proud you are of your kids and yourself as a Mum. And have a big drink or choccie to reward yourself when you get home.

Meanwhile, when someone buts in with free advice, ask them to please keep their opinions to themselves, you're not interested. Let's agree to disagree is always a good one. Or just give them the death-stare. I'm not in your situation yet, but I've always been good at the death-stare - pretty effective whenever someone oversteps the line

[Astrid]

Deep breaths and organise an escape plan for when it gets too much Hope your weekend is turns out to be a good one.

[*TripleJ*]

im so lucky i dont have this problem except for the BLS with MIL but thats a whole different story everyone thinks cloth is awesome lol even my SIL loves ur covers (she hasnt seen hers yet wait till she does lol)

Maz its not forever just think i'll be home soon and i wont have to listen to it hope u get through it without too many tears xoxoxox

[sloane]

bah maz, they sound just delightful you could always visit me in melbourne instead! i just don't understand why people have to make such a big deal of some things...just let other people be

good luck - i hope it isn't too painful

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I've had to develop scales: a thick skin wasn't good enough, I had to go lizard.

I hate being told what I should be doing. I hate assumptions that I just parent the 1960s way because that was the way me and my cousins and my chums were parented.

"Has he started to smack you back yet?" "No, we don't smack." That's another friend who's never talking to me again, despite the fact HER son was waaaaay worse behaved than mine (I know toddlers are destructive, but hers was igoring instruction because Mummy wasn't up and screaming and smacking; DS just said "OK" and did as I asked).

The "rod for your own back" comments. My children, my back, my rod... why do you care? SHUT UP!

The smug "my children..." comments, especially about sleep. Yes mum. I am your child. I have deep, deep psychological scars you caused. I'm not taking your advice. Liebling is loving and kind and OPEN and knows it's OK to disagree with me and have different tastes to me. I was too scared as a child to even like a TV programme my mother had said she didn't!

Maz, do your thing. They tell you to CIO, tell them you don't torture those you love. TELL THEM what you think of their suggestions. If that fails, tell them what you think of their parenting.

Normally I say "live and let live" but I get sick of the "do this, do that" sort of people and just get mean with them.

[maz]

thank you ALL so much. Ive realyl been on the verge or tears this afternoon about it and J man asked me before if we really should go ... He feel's exactly the same as me about it.

I will stand up and say something form now on. Im sick of keeping up appearances just to keep the calm and let them feel like they have the upper hand. I shouldnt have to cope it on the chin and think that its only a few days....you shouldnt have to feel like that with family

Im taking my sewing machine and sewing with me, my stress relief so if they start to peeve me, Berth will be wiped out and her voice will block them all out

Thank you all again...your such a wonderful lot to bounce of and help make me feel normal.

xxx

[Inertia]

I think that in the end, the realy problem of situations like this is not "what people think about us" or that they are basically acting like school yard bullies..

It is that they are belittling us as parents in front of our children, undermining us.

That is simply unacceptable - and IMO requires the family member to vocalise their need to Shut Up!

Blunt, but J Man needs to tell them to pull their heads in because its destructive to your family and if they continue you will have to consider what is best for the emotional and mental welfare of your children, and that may be not going to see their aunts, uncles and grandies.

[maz]

Blunt, but J Man needs to tell them to pull their heads in because its destructive to your family and if they continue you will have to consider what is best for the emotional and mental welfare of your children, and that may be not going to see their aunts, uncles and grandies.

I swear to god you must of been a fly on our wall half an hour ago. J man said exactly what you wait he should do. He is fed up with it and us feeling like this..I think this weekend will be break point IFYKWIM