Breaking down to who we really are...

[Butterfly Child]

Do you have a clear understanding of who you are? ( your identity)
if so when did you find yourself so to speak?
what lead you to these answers..?
i am having issues with it at the moment of breaking down who am underneath being a mother/daughter/sister/partner etc. i cant seem to recognize the part of me..

i know this thread is probably digging a little too far..
but i just thought others might have more insight and might like to enlighten me on their experiences

Thanks guys

[Arimeh]

Honey I'm 33 soon and I still don't really know who I am!!!

I think, for me anyway, its not about discovering "who" I am because that will inevitably change over the years, and who makes an impact on my life yes? I can say I'm a different person that I was before I joined BB, because of the impact you guys have all had on my way of seeing the world.

So its not discovering "who" I am - but to me, its remembering my self worth. If I need to improve some aspects of my life - or ME - it should be because I deserve it, not because I'm a changed person - if that makes sense?

Ahh its hard to put into words (plus I've got a stinking headache from a migraine I had last night so I am soooo not good at words tonight)

[Butterfly Child]

thanks Hun i guess i just hoped id get that miraculous wallah! so to speak and everything would make sense things would be clearer

guess theirs no real answer to the question but your right its the things like growing and developing into your identity.

(i might come back tomorow when im less tired too and make sense of this post )

[luna moth]

I've sort of figured it out. But I frequently question how I got here. And where I'll be next...

Oh the philosophy!

[Madissun]

I think for me, i've learnt about how i am by things that i've overcome. I dont think you ever stop learning about who you are, because thats the beauty of it, KWIM?

When i feel like im losing my grip on "me", i go back to things that are truly just for me. Usually, it's reading self-development and awareness books. I find if i let this lapse for too long, thats when i kind of forget. Does that make sense?

Your thing may not be reading though, it may be something entirely different. But you'll know deep down what it is. It's that thing you do that when you do it, you think to yourself "Yeah man!" with a big grin on your face and everything seems right with the world!

I hope at least a little part of that made sense to you

[fionas]

I think it's an ever-changing beast too. If I'm having difficulties (and there's been a lot in the last three years) I concentrate on the day-to-day and what will make things tolerable and/or make me happy in the short-term. I've had to go back to basics and think about what do I enjoy at a really fundamental level. Usually it's something simple like I need a couple of hours to myself to go have a coffee and read a glossy mag.

When the day-to-day is under control, I spend more time thinking about what sort of person I want to BE. This has been on my mind a lot lately, I'm not sure whether it's being 40, being a mum or just because I've always thought about death a lot - not in a morbid way but in a 'what's my legacy' way.

So I guess at the moment, I'm transitioning between an old life and a new life and really thinking about what I want the new life to look like.

I don't particularly like my current identity but am very excited about my future identity, if that makes sense.

[widdly]

I am lost too hun, I sometimes think I look forward to being in my 50's and beyond cause maybe then I will be more at peace with myself and will know "who I am" a little better.

When I am struggling with myself, I like to get away for a week, I drive 6 hours and stay with family for a while and it gives me the chance to get away from the everyday hum drum of my life and I have time out to think about diferent things and to do different things. Hard to explain, but some time out from my everyday life helps me to regain my confidence, sanity and gives me a fresh outlook on life.

[Arcadia]

I think I look to the child in myself to find that 'essence' of who I am. But interestingly that is still so often defined by my relationships to those around me- siblings, parents etc. I don't think you can pare back to an individual beyond your relationships and roles... The very concept of a life beyond those around us is a very male and western ideal.

Are you feeling a bit lost? Or that you have lost sight of who you once were? I know that feeling. I started dance lessons again and found it helped. It really sounds like you need some time out, or an activity that soothes the soul.

[Butterfly Child]

Thx everyone for your replies/stories/and advise to this thread, they have really opened my eyes and made me question a lot of things in my life, Also its nice to hear different perspectives too

Arcadia- i am feeling abit lost..not just about who i once was but about everything. Thanks for the tip i think theirs some changes in my life i need to make to help me get out of the mess in my life i am in so that i can see clearly in my self if that makes sense.

widdly- we can be lost together hun..but seriously sometimes we need to struggle and be lost to eventually find ourselves maby were not as far away as we think?

[ElleJay]

TBH - I have no idea who I am, and I don't think I'll ever know

[tattoo_mama]

just thought id put in my 2 cents
i dont think you can ever find out what or who you are cause even us thinking about who we are is changing us kwim?
im sure somewhere inside i am more than a mother/daughter/sister/friend/girlfriend but i dont think ill ever find out who i am... that might sound depressing but i find it very interesting!!

[Ryatha]

I've always felt lost, so I compensated for it by trying to be be something different for each person I am talking to at the time. Like being a good daughter when talking to my mum, a good wife when talking to my hubby, a success when talking to school friends, being cool when talking to work mates.

I found I was constantly changing my personality and as such had no self. It was very distressing when I realised I was 30 and had no hobbies of my own, I just followed other peoples' hobbies but got bored of them quickly. I didn't know how to relax and have fun cause I had never let myself do what 'I' wanted to do.

So I have been really soul searching in the last year and have found my hobby - I love sewing and it calms and relaxes me and makes me very happy. I have found as a consequence of that I don't have to try to 'be' anything other than myself with other people. I am proud of myself for just being me not for anything I am trying to do or be for other people. So I am just starting to find myself, but I know it is a long journey as I will change as time goes on.

DH and I have realised that as we change so does our relationship... its kind of like falling in love with a new person every now and then

[tattoo_mama]

I've always felt lost, so I compensated for it by trying to be be something different for each person I am talking to at the time. Like being a good daughter when talking to my mum, a good wife when talking to my hubby, a success when talking to school friends, being cool when talking to work mates.

I found I was constantly changing my personality and as such had no self. It was very distressing when I realised I was 30 and had no hobbies of my own, I just followed other peoples' hobbies but got bored of them quickly. I didn't know how to relax and have fun cause I had never let myself do what 'I' wanted to do.

exactly the same here...(well im not 30 yet) but i have realised im the same...thats why i really want to start studying and immerse myself in that for awhile...

[widdly]

I think you are right BC, we do need to feel a bit lost every now and then so we can really searcha nd learn about ourselves.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I hated who I was growing up. Not me, but how others defined me. So when I left home, I didn't stay in that mold. I decided to just be me and sod people who didn't like that: I'd rather like myself than have others like me.

Who am I? I dunno. Me, I suppose. With my aims and dreams and stuff that come from me. I am a bit too aloof and don't want others to define me, which isn't great, but that's me. I'd rather rely on myself than have everyone else let me down and criticise me for their failings again.

[Izabella]

Wow what a great question !!! I dont really know who I am. There have been some times in my life (whole life) where I have done something and thought WoW, what were you thinking, or why the hell did you do that??
My life has not been the easiest, and now 30 I am trying to figure out who I am, but like a lot of others have no idea where to start.
I even find myself not really wanting to hang out with certain friends who I have loved so dearly for many years etc.
And now I have started writing this, I can keep on listing things, I would love to know about these things. Have I gone off the subject a little

[Butterfly Dawn]

When we moved here, I had no langauge, no friends and my DH went into his cave and wouldnt come out. I had to battle everyday with my MIL just to do simple things like washing our clothes my way, thenI was put into bed rest (preg) and DS1 was taken during the day. When the new baby came, I had to battle to do things my way. But I also had to question my perspective on things- what was important and what wasnt, I had to let go of what wasnt. It was 2 years before we moved out.
When I had nothing, I had to strip away my ego and any false idea I had of myself and I learnt alot about me and my ego. Now we are in our own (rented) place and I can give myself what I need and because of that I can be a better partner and mother -most of the time
Its hard to be honest with yourself, and to forgive yourself for you mistakes in life. I couldnt tell you who I am but I know myself alot better and Im more comfortable with myself now.
I try to meditate, as often as I remember for as long as I can, and I find making that space, clearing out some of the endless thoughts, somehow makes me better, stronger in myself.
Its a long hard road to self knowledge.
My goal is just to be the best person I can be, to know my ego and to know when to tell it to bug off and to listen to the something else thats there.

[Butterfly Child]

Wow the replies from everyone have been amazing, really made me think and question things and have helped me to get back on track so to speak

i agree in that we need to figure out what makes us happy'(and continue to do those things) and i think when i do these things im closer to who i am if that makes sense.lol

i think we need to remind ourselves of the things in life that we do have and what we have acheived no matter how small and give ourselves credit for what we have gone through and be gratefull for the person we are and continue to be..