How would you feel? (from a teenagers point of view)

[mollycat]

Bit of background first.
I have 2 Ds's eldest is 18, youngest is 13, until about 2 years ago they shared a room (we had a 2 bedroom house, extended and were able to give them their own rooms), bub (DD) was born 6months ago, and has been in with us since then - which is not really a problem at the moment, although I'd love to give her her own space.

Ds1 now has a girlfriend and on occasion will have her sleep at our place (they do share a room when she is here - which I'm ok with because I'd rather they be safe and not hide and get themselves into trouble), at the moment he is spending about 3 nights/week at her house (she lives at home still).

I am thinking about moving my 2 Ds's back into the one room and move DD into a room by herself - in the hope that she will sleep better (yeah, I know, it might not happen but pigs might fly), she is waking about twice a night and both DH and myself work and I'm finding it really hard to cope through the day (not to mention DH is on the road, so it worries me if he's had a bad night and he has to drive the next day).

Another option, but not very realistic is to move our loungeroom into our family room area and block off the wall and make that another bedroom, until Ds1 moves out, then pull that wall down and revert it back to a loungeroom. The problem with that is that I do FDC, so I operate out of our family room, which would make it very squished if you added a full size lounge, plus other furniture to a "play area".

Ds1 is talking about moving out, although I don't think he understands how expensive that is, or just how hard it is to find a rental around this area. I don't want to push him into moving out of home.

Do you think it is too much putting the 2 boys back in the one room, Ds1's girlfriend already thinks we don't want her to visit, from a comment made the other night about Ds1 needing to spend more time at home, especially at the weekend, (he is learning to drive, but never home long enough for a lesson).

Ds2 understands the need to move the boys back in together, although he is not very happy about it, he will go along with it. It's not realistic to put bub in with either boy (and probably not appropriate either, given their age differences)

What are your feelings?

[crumpet]

to be honest i think it would push ur oldest Ds to move out even more.....

if his GF stays now, will she be able to stay with ur other DS in the bed room too??

and if she doesnt feel comfortable coming over now, she is definatly not going to feel comfortable staying if ur second Ds is in the room too.....

id prob keep bub in a room with you for now or is it possible to put bub in the family room at night??
not a ideal situtation but it might make ur oldest DS feel better about staying at home a bit longer

HTH

[Lulu]

ah man you can't cater to everybody and if DS is ok about it, why not. You neeeed your sleep.

Pfft to the GF anyway. DD's bf used to say that crap even though I used to invite him for dinner all the time. I think it's more that you need to put yourself first - he can stay at the gf's more often I suppose. If the rental market is hard, it's not like he will have anywhere to go *evil grin.

[jaspen]

I wouldn't expect a good response. If Ds and DS GF have established their private time within the confines of his room and you are suggesting to take that away from them indefinitely I'd expect all hell to break loose especially if there is already some tension there. I'm not saying don't discuss it and gauge a response or even not to do it (your familys house your familys rules and what is best for the entire family is what I'd have to go with at the end of the day rather than solely whether or not an 18 yr old will like losing private time with his girlfriend) - but I'd be surprised if it was well received - only you know your son and his maturity though and how he's likely to feel about things like this.

[boobaloo]

i agree, i don't think you'd get a great response, also 5 years is a big age gap for the boys once they hit their teen years, and it could be hard for them to have to share a room.
as someone else said, maybe put bub in the family room to sleep in a portacot, if you can't have her in your room?

[~clover~]

Maybe talk to DS1 about it. Instead of talking to a teen, talk to another adult iykwim. If he & his gf can have their space at her house, you aren't exactly taking that away from them.
Maybe sit them both down? Say you need to get their point of view. Explain the whole situation & that you hate the idea of taking their privacy away, but that you need to think about everyone. If you make them part of the decision, rather than just tell them thats the way it will be, it might be alot easier, with alot less to deal with from DS1 iykwim.
Or you could tell him to save up & buy a caravan & put it in the back yard. I moved into our caravan at 16 so I didn't have to share with my 10 year old sister anymore.

[LimeSlice]

Maybe talk to DS1 about it. Instead of talking to a teen, talk to another adult iykwim. If he & his gf can have their space at her house, you aren't exactly taking that away from them.
Maybe sit them both down? Say you need to get their point of view. Explain the whole situation & that you hate the idea of taking their privacy away, but that you need to think about everyone. If you make them part of the decision, rather than just tell them thats the way it will be, it might be alot easier, with alot less to deal with from DS1 iykwim.

That sounds like a great idea. so whilst you may well have already made up your own mind and will do it regardless, he can at least feel like an adult wth some input, and it will also make him feel like he has saved some face with his girlfriend, rather than looking like a little kid who lets his mum make decisions for him

Good luck - not easy, but necessary for everyone.

[ladybird11]

I think involving both DS' is important - especially since DS1 is already talking about moving out - it'd be best he does that on his own terms and not feel as if he is being forced (not to mention its better that he has a say on the matter as DS1's g/f may see this as trying to squeeze her out and 'be in his ear' about it)....

Just my 2 cents worth ;-)

[jaspen]

agree with the last few posters as to how to deal with the decision making process

[Lulu]

wow, the caravan idea is a great one. I think you can rent them - do you have room for one?

[Mum2Romone]

well I would not give a 6 month old a room over a 18 year old. Put simply.

You will just push him to move out sooner and make the girlfriend even more unfortable . I think its weird to have to have an adult share with a young teen and then a baby to have a room....

[~Raven~]

I would like to think that an 18yo would be mature enough to consider the needs of others as well as his own. Maybe it's time to have a chat about the bedroom arrangements and see what he suggests. I've had friends in similar situations ie having to share a room with a sibling and needing quality time with the GF, and they have taken turns camping out in the lounge for the night.

I also know of several friends that moved out of home due to not being allowed to have the GF/BF stay in their room so I think he should also acknowledge you allowing him to especially with young siblings.

The caravan option is a good idea, though they can cost a bomb to rent a can be comparable to a unit. MIL did that for BIL for a while and still carries on about how it cost thousands.

[mollycat]

Thanks everyone, there has been some good points made.

I guess my main "gripe" is that there is a room sitting there maybe 3 nights each week that's not being used. We have moved our wardrobe (no built-ins in this house) into Ds1's room, so we can fit DD's cot in our room. Ds2 already "shares" his room with the FDC children (they use the room during the day for their sleep room - so he has a cot permanently set up as well as sleep mats during the week).

I think we need to sit down and have a talk with him and see what we can do. I'm really thinking our best option may be converting the loungeroom, I really don't want to push Ds1 out. Ds1 is a good kid, and we have always had a very open relationship, even he will say "you're not kicking me out, just giving me a little nudge". (this is when he mentioned getting stuff together to move out of home and I gave him some towels I had put away for christmas pressies last year but didn't use)

[*Belle*]

I would also sit down and ask him his thoughts.

In the meantime while he is staying at his girlsfriends those night, I would move the cot into the room so you can see how your DD likes having a room, to test it out?

[~*familyof3*~]

I agree i think its a bit much to ask an 18yr old to share a room.Yes they are old enough to understand the needs of others but so are we and quite frankly an 18yr and a teen need more privacy than a baby.

We have a sim thing here we have 5yrs between the two boys and expecting one in Jan. We only have a 3bed home too. But i decided theres no way im going to make the older two share. We have sucked it up and know we need to move.So in time we will.But mine are also younger than yours lol

[Rouge]

I wouldn't expect an 18 y.o. to share. But I am thinking like a teen, not like a parent of a teen

It sounds like he is a great kid, so I would just talk to him about it. Make it clear you don't want him to move out and without laying on the guilts explain how you need sleep atm.

[mollycat]

We've only been able to have a small chat with Ds1 so far, (he hasn't been home long enough to sit down with). Stayed home Fri night - after going out to dinner with gf, then left here about 1pm Sat afternoon and came back at 8am this morning (mon). He came in fri night and suggested I put a cot in his room on the nights when he isn't home. He did this after seeing the struggle I was having getting DD to sleep, and DH was already in bed. I also said to DH that he needs to stay up a little later and let me try to get DD to go to sleep in her bed rather then cuddle/pat her to sleep, which did work on Sat night, I was able to pat her to sleep in her own bed rather then in my arms.

Another idea would be for the boys to share a room, DD in the other room, but keep a bed in there for the nights the gf sleeps over, then move DD back in with us those nights in a portable cot or co-sleep with her those nights. I could then set up another cot in her room as well for the day care babies and the older kids could sleep in the loungeroom during the day.

[jaspen]

He certainly seems to care about the situation mollycat and not just his needs which is a massive positive and a credit to him and yourself for how you have raised him- hope you find a solution that works real soon so you can get the rest you need to function properly