Hello everyone. This is not the parent's club I ever wanted to join, but here I am..
I am 37, and Jackson Bear was my first born.
4 weeks ago today my baby was still-born at full term.
I went into spontaneous labour on my due date, thinking that everything was fine. We'd just heard his heart beat at my routine prenatal check the day before.
After half a day of gentle early labour at home, my midwife came to check on our progress. His heart beat was gone.
We rushed to hospital, where no cardiac activity was confirmed.
I was admitted into the birth suites, and spent the night labouring without induction or any intervention. Although, yes, it all hurt like hell, I found the labour and birth to be really empowering and such a needed part of my journey. I refused the pethidine and epidural offered because I wanted to be totally present for the short time that I would have my son with me. I did relent and have gas during transition!!
I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful hubby, who was with me every step of the way, remaining 'emotionally present', massaging me through every contraction and doing everything in his power to support me.
Jackson was born at dawn on Spring Equinox. So bitter sweet, the sense of achievement at naturally birthing with no problems- other than the fact that my baby was dead.
He was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck four times. The preliminary autopsy report says evidence of acute asphyxiation. Everything else about him (and me) was perfectly healthy. He was a beautiful 9 pound baby, with perfect proportions, looking just like his daddy, who was born 9 pounds 10 ounces!
I was able to hold him straight away, and all up we had 30 hours of holding him, bathing him, rocking him, singing to him, kissing him and 'baptising' his beautiful head with our tears.
I'm physically still recovering from the birth (stitches, hemmorage, muscle pain and fatigue). But the grief is growing every day. We both miss him so much, and it just seems to be getting harder. Sure I have 'good' days, and days when I put on a good 'face' for the world, days when I have to be strong for my parents and friends because they can't bare to see my pain. But there's a terror and deep grief behind every moment, and it takes all my energy not to collapse and give in to wailing like a banshee!
I'm not angry with God- I don't believe in an interventionist God, so therefore no God for me to be angry at, simple! I don't believe that my baby was too beautiful for this earth. I don't believe that God took my baby to be an angel. I don't believe it was 'meant to be', or part of God's plan. It's just not my faith or belief system, but if those things are yours I hope those thoughts give you great comfort, because whatever gets us through... I just get upset when people try to comfort me with these words or feel the need to push their faith on me, because it disrespects the fact that I'm an intelligent, thoughtful person who has my own thoughts on life that keep me going. Sorry to ramble about that, but I was on another forum and was 'bible-bashed' quite a bit...
Thanks for reading my intro. I'm here because I need to talk with people that can relate to what I'm going through. We're kind of in an exclusive club that no-one wants to know about...
I'm so terribly sorry for what you've been through and what you've lost. I know nothing I can say will make it better, but you'll find a lot of wonderful, supportive people here.
Hugs to you
my BF's baby born died moments from birth also due to a cord accident, time has healed somewhat for them but it most certainly doesnt get any easier for them
your wee man will never be forgotten, nor should he be
Bearmum, I just wanted to send you a massive gigantic e-hug and to let you know that i have cried whilst reading your story about your beautiful boy. Please know that you are supported and loved. I am so glad you have a supportive partner to lean on through this. I don't know what else to say but I am so truly sorry for what you are going through and I think it is so special that you had lots of special time with your son afterwards. Huge hugs hun.
Congratulations on the awesome and empowering birth of your perfect little Jackson.
And
I am so, so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son.
I am sorry that you haven't found comfort and understanding thus far. I am also really sorry that you have to put on a happy face for those around you. It's a sad reality of our culture and I wish things were different, just like I wish we didn't feel the need to come up with often trite verbal offerings to try and make sense of a tragedy.
Bearmum, thank you so much for sharing your and Jackson's story with us. I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry also that you were not treated well on another forum. I think you'll find no one will push anything onto you - only you know how you can grieve, as you said, you are an intelligent, thoughtful woman.
oh, oh, oh. I've just shared your, your son's and your DH's story with my DH and we just don't know what to do with ourselves now ... I can't comprehend what you must have gone through then, and must still be going through ... and I don't even want to imagine the shattering ... it brings me to tears to even think about it ... words just can't express.
I also can't imagine your strength and bravery to have given Jackson the birth, cuddles and family time he deserved. I don't know that I could have been that strong, in the face of that much agony and a completely unexpected loss.
I'm sorry also that you felt bible bashed elsewhere ... I have no intention of pushing my beliefs on you, but I do pray that you in time will heal. Never forget, never be the same, but healed and whole again, with Jackson as one important part of you forever.
I also hope that you have the time and space (by yourself or with your DH or other people in your like) to cry, howl like a banshee, sit in bed all day, paint, write, run, or do whatever you need to do to let out your pain. I hope there are things that are available to you, to do that ... I hope your DH does too.
This place is the perfect place to vent and share and be supported by lots of lovely ladies. I hope that you're able to meet some great women who you can really connect with, and be supported by.
Bearmum, I am so sorry that Jackson is not with you. I don't know why awful tragedies like this happen. It sucks and I wish it could be different. I hope that you find BellyBelly a very supportive community where you can share anything you want about your beautiful and precious Jackson.
Bearmum, I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Jackson's story, it was beautiflul and very touching. I know what you're saying about people who are trying to make you feel better with their comments, but that's just it. They are trying to comfort you the best way they can. When I lost my son at 21 weeks two years ago, I found that people tried really hard to make me feel better (although nothing they said could bring my son back), but I was more disappointed with those that said nothing. I felt that they didn't acknowledge Joshua's existance and that really hurt. Two years on, the pain of losing my little boy is as fresh as the day we lost him, and it's incredible how the waves of grief just crash on you when you least espect it. Big hugs hun, and feel free to talk about your grief here on belly. This place has helped me enormously with my own grief.
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