How do you 'fix' yourself? (sorry long)

[Fleur]

I wanted a better title but couldn't think of any

So, I turned 33 last month & a few things came up for me. I think this is when I get to start feeling like a grown-up and I feel like it's time to shed all my excess baggage & start really being 'me' ITMS.


EDIT - I have removed most of what i originally posted, I kind of decided it wasn't relevant... it's enough to say that I can look back & logically understand why I think / feel the way I do but I'm kind of stuck as to how to change those thought patterns.
ANYWAY
What I want to know is.
I've decided I don't want to be like that anymore, I have had enough... it's not really ME, you know? In my head, I know so much better, I just can't make myself feel it deep down. I feel like I kind of 'get' where it's all coming from... and I see it from a different viewpoint as an adult.
I don't want to wallow in self-pity, I want to fix myself!

I've had counselling before, I don't know if I saw the wrong people for me or if I require something a bit more to the point. Or can I do it myself?
What do you do to get rid of old emotional baggage you no longer need?

Wow, this is harder to write than I thought it would be
and I so did NOT mean to write a novel :/
If you made it through all that, well done

[BellyBelly]

I think the very very first step is to change thinking if you want to get out of a stuck headspace.

Instead of reinforcing to yourself that you are broken or need fixing, changing your mantra (and saying it over and over to yourself) something like, 'I am whole and complete.'

It might sound silly or ineffective at first but its amazing how well it does work, and did for me at times of confusion.

[delphmoon]

Its hard work..to change or atleast to find that person deep inside of you. I think just knowing that a change is needed is the first step.

From what you have written you know what has caused you to perceive things the way you do and understand the psychology behind your behaviour so maybe now it is a matter of recognising those moments of insecurity and stamping it out then and there IYGWIM. Like for instance you are argueing with someone because deep down you are fearful they are going to abandon you- so in this moments you really need to talk yourself through it like "i'm feeling this way because ........ but now I know I am loved and care for by others"...IYGWIM?

I agree with Kelly- affirmations are amazing little things and keep you conscious of what your thinking and feeling...

I gave my mum a Lousie Hay book last year as she has been suffering depression for years...she said it was the best thing she could have got- maybe have look into this and see if its something you can get into?

GL and

[BellyBelly]

I need to know why people love me

This is a good one.... yet another tool that might help.

[boomba]

I think you have made the first step by acknowledgin you want to help yourself. Wish i had some words of wisdom but all I have is hugs! xxx

[Miss E]

Just wanted to give you a big babe! I don't really have any words of wisdom, but to me you're a loving, generous, caring, wonderful woman who deserves to be loved and cherished by all who are lucky enough to have you in their lives.

[sloane]

i think you've already taken a big step by saying that you don't want to be like that anymore & that you want & are willing to change. seems like you've already made some really positive changes as well

this is maybe very simplistic & may not be appropriate for you but for me it was a conscious decision. i had a champers-induced epiphany one NYE & i realised that i was looking far too much to other people to feel loved & to boost my feelings of self-worth. i decided that i needed to make a conscious effort/decision to look inwards for those things & if they came from external people, then even better, but i must not allow my self-worth to be affected to strongly by others. it wasn't easy & i still don't think i have it right. but in rational moments, i know in my heart that i'm okay & that i'm mostly happy with me (maybe not the outside, but more about the inside). if i'm not happy then i can change but i agree with the PP who have said that affirmations help. try not to focus on what you don't like - acknowledge it, but don't focus. for me, by keeping on living a way i am proud of, the emotional baggage seems to drop slowly away. maybe look at the positive qualities you have gained through unhappy circumstances - to me, you seem to be the most wonderful combination of advice/wisdom gained through experience, honesty, compassion and fun as well. those unhappy years may have been a sort of hell, but they've also shaped you into the fantastic person you are now.

ok, i'm starting to ramble. i hope some of it makes sense!

big for you.

[Inertia]

I must admit to being a bit stunned to come in here and find that someone has already posted what I was about to. We are on the same journey today, Fleur.

I would love to share this journey with you.

[blessedatlast]

Well, I don't have any advice for you Fleur, but I wanted to give you If you ever need to vent or talk, I'm here.. I love our chats, we need to have more I think you are beautiful and amazing, I am so glad we have become friends IRL..

[trishalishous]

something I did (and I know it sounds corny) was write two lists, one postive, and one where I wanted to improve myself.
I had 'i am a great friend' and then 'i want to be a better 'listener' ' or
'i am great at my job' 'i want to improve my communcation skills when dealing with colleagues'
I'd then pick one set, every day and carry it with me, and focus on it every chance I had.
stopping the negative self-talk really helped me!

[Fleur]

Thank you for your replies.

Kelly, I looked at that link - and then I looked at more - really, really interesting & now I find I will have plenty of reading & watching to do Thank you.

Delphmoon, you're right, I do think I understand what's behind it (or at least a fair bit of it) - I just need to know how to change those thought patterns. I have read a bit of Louise Hay years ago, I think it might be time to go back & read again.

Sloane, you made perfect sense It's the kind of thing I will be trying to do, to make aconcious effort. It's weird you know, I have had times in my life where I have been challenged & at those times I was able to stand up & be really strong in myself. It seems to be just the day - to day stuff that niggles at me. Weird huh.

Honey Aspen - Serendipitous, maybe? I'd love to have you sharing this journey

Thanks Trishalicious, that's a great idea

boomba, MissE & Blessed, thank you for the hugs. Backatcha I do feel very lucky to have found you all here.


I went to work today & thought all day about what i had posted, I will admit to being a bit freaked out by putting it out here, but I am trying to be ok with being honest about myself ITMS.
I have trimmed my original post though, cause I figured it wasn't relevant, it felt like a lot of unnecessary whatever - the point is (and Delphmoon, you are right) - I know logically why I feel / think the way I do. I just don't know how to change it.

And I sort of realised lately that a BIG part of the reason I am so unhappy at work ATM is because I am not getting the boost that I need from it. So if I feel unappreciated there, i feel angry & unhappy. Then it doesn't take much to lift me..then I'm down again.
Actually I think recognising that cycle is part of the reason I decided I was ready to change my thinking - stop the ride, I want to get off!

So I guess I will do a bit of reading over the weekend and maybe start writing, just to get it out....I really like the idea of affirmations to try & focus my thinking.

Thanks again for reading & posting.

[Inertia]

I wish I could have offered some awesome advice, but I am fairly lost on where to start today too. I think I found some kind of footing but despite havingsaid it now and got it out there, I am still some paranoid freak. There is still that little voice in the back of my head saying "See. No one likes you".

I really cant wait to be free of it, but due to other issues, I do not trust counsellors, so this is going to be interesting to say the very least, lol.

[Malyna]

Well you have made a start by saying that you want to change.

I've read a lot of self help books over the years, and I guess what works for one person may not work for another.

I started with Gloria Steinman's Revolution from Within. Read Louise Hay (she has some great affirmation tapes - which you can listen to while driving etc), then I pretty much just wandered through the self help section, read books that caught my eye.

I also read a lot of auto/biographies over the years. I found books like "Cave in the Snow" "Home of the Blizzard" and "South" to be inspirational - because these were normal people doing extraordinary things, and in the case of the last two - surviving.

Analytical meditations, journalling and then re-reading those entries so you can understand why you are feeling the way you are, then writing about your discoveries can help you 'figure yourself out'. Meditation, mindfulness, eating healthy and exercise are all important.

Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself when you go back a step and take your time in moving forward. Don't rush.

My latest is falling in love with myself. It's a really tough ask, and I'm struggling with it, but I know with time and patience, I'll get there.

All the best for your journey.

[Fleur]

Well I've been trying very hard over the last few days to be more aware of my 'underneath' thoughts & feelings, to stop myself & question what i am thinking. And man, it is really hard work

A lot of it is self-esteem issues.

The need for approval... if people think I'm ok, they will like me / love me. And I have known for a long time, that until I am ok with myself, until I accept myself, nothing anyone else ever says or does will be enough.

It's like trying to fill a bottomless jug... every little compliment or bit of praise fills it but only temporarily & then it drains away again. I need to be the solid base for all my sense of 'self' . BUT knowing how to get to THAT point... that is where I am a bit lost.

Having made a really concious decision to change... it's very strange, I feel alternately really good & very down. It's painful but liberating.
I have no idea if that makes any sense

And Kelly, the Byron Katie link was so good. Seeing it on Youtube is great, very different to reading it. I've gone on & watched more, and gone onto the site, definitely on I will be going back to again & again. It has given me a different way to look at things, questions that I ask myself..it's good.

Anyhoo, thank you again for all of your replies. All of you have given me things to think about over the last few days.

ETA - Malyna, I love the quote in your sig

[sloane]

Having made a really concious decision to change... it's very strange, I feel alternately really good & very down. It's painful but liberating.
I have no idea if that makes any sense

i think that makes perfect sense. it's hard because to go forward we need to acknowledge things about ourselves that we may not like - even if you're not happy with yourself, you're still in a comfort zone of sorts & it's tough to step outside it.

you can so do this though & you will. you're already well on the way

ETA - i know it's a trifle superficial, but if you don't normally do things like get a facial, massage, mani/pedi then maybe book a couple in - it doesn't hurt to remind yourself that you deserve those things (if they make you feel good) & that you are worthy of 'me' time & time out. well, that's what i tell myself!! i'm also seeing a PT twice a week - we could really do with not spending that money but i really need to get fitter & healthier & i keep trying to tell myself that i deserve this & am worth spending the money on.

[fi1980]

How are you going on your journey Fleur?

As others have said just making the decision to change is the first step. I would also highly recommend the book 'you can heal your life'. I received it years ago and just couldn't get into it. It felt so foreign and the concepts so ridiculous that I thought it would never help me, at first I thought it was implying that everything that has happened is my fault and I reflected back on things from my childhood and thought 'how is that in any way my fault?' and gave up on the book almost immediately. Since then however, I have changed and matured and experienced a lot more. I suffered PND which again raised things from the past and I realised that I had to do something to heal myself and so I had some counselling. I found it quite helpful as it was basically teaching me to reassess my thought patterns, to question my thoughts and see if what I was thinking really was true or whether I was still thinking certain things or in certain ways that were no longer relevant to me at this stage in my life. I then started reading the book again and realised that the concepts were very much the same. This time I really took to the book and found it incredibly helpful. It's all about accepting yourself and loving yourself as that is the ultimate way of achieving happiness, changing negative thought patterns and letting go of the past.

I hope you are starting to feel better these days.

Fi

[Fleur]

Thank you for asking Fi

I am feeling heaps better. I have kind of worked out what makes me tick, and what brings me unstuck.

I really need connectedness (if that's a word ). When I feel connected to people, whether it be here, or on FB or IRL, I feel peaceful.

Sometimes I feel insecure, and I start to feel paranoid that this person or that person is avoiding me, doesn't like me, etc. At those times I take a step back, because what I am realising is that it is usually about me and how I am feeling.

I'm working on changing my reactions to things. And I'm really working at being ME.
I still have moments - plenty of them - where I feel my old thought patterns really making their presence felt, but I am getting really good at picking it up & turning it around, changing it.

It might sound silly but I feel very much that at this time in my life I am ready to go through a major shift spiritually & emotionally.

And I think that I still have a very long way to go but I am on the way

Thank you again, all of you

[fi1980]

So glad you are starting to feel better hun. I know exactly what you mean about it being the right time for you to have that spiritual and emotional shift. It will take time so be kind to yourself during this journey