Advice... getting some structure and some sanity with my 1 year old??

[Amber4]

I posted this as a reply to another thread yesterday but realised not many people will see it that way (i blame extreme fatigue), so at the risk of repeating myself...

My DD has just turned 1 and after several unsuccessful attempts at putting her into care in the past 7 months we've decided to give up for a year or two and accept that we're all going to be a lot less stressed if I stay at home with her. My concerns are that she has outgrown some of her baby routine and most of her toys and usual activities, and I'm at a loss as to how to keep us both relatively sane and happy through this time! I would like to get us into a flexible routine but atm I am really fumbling and end up putting her in front of the TV with her toys for half the day and even she is getting sick of this! (Not to mention mother guilt).

She's also becoming more and more clingy and wants to be with me virtually everywhere... however she hasn't yet managed to crawl or walk which makes her incredibly frustrated. She can 'walk' if she holds my hands everywhere which of course she wants to do all of the time

My DH travels a lot too so although he's great when he's here, he works 6 days/week when he's in town and is away about 4 months of the year in business travel.

She loves going out but I guess I'm a bit stuck for ideas for her age. I'm part of a mum's group but we can usually only make it once a fortnight as the days change weekly to accommodate everyone's work schedules so it often conflicts with weekend activities or swimming. We go do swimming lessons once a week and usually a trip to the shops. I love walking with her but find it difficult to do in this heat!! I would love to start going to the gym a few times a week for me but am wary of putting her in the creche there as she is SO clingy and seems to have such huge separation anxiety atm.

Also, fyi if it helps... these are the bits of our day that are "routine" so to speak: She has 2 bottles a day. The first is as soon as she wakes up at around 6:30am as she still cries for it on waking. This means she will barely eat breakfast but I'm reluctant to force her out of it yet when I can't see any harm in it?? The second bottle is before she goes to bed at night. She also still has 2 naps.. the first one is about 9:30am and the second about 2pm. They last for anywhere from 1 - 2 hours. We usually do bath around 4:30 or 5pm and her dinner at about 5:30 or 6pm, but sometimes I switch them around depending on how tired she is. One of the hardest things is her bedtime... she just doesn't seem tired before 8 or 8:30pm and if we put her to bed earlier she just screams herself until she's soaked in sweat and this could go on for half an hour. We decided long ago it was more peaceful to go with a later bedtime when she doesn't fight it and drops off to sleep usually pretty quickly and quietly. BUT it means DH and I often don't eat dinner til 8:30pm and of course there's not much time to relax in the evening with her up so long.

Would really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions on how to be a better SAHM to her... I don't want to be mother of the year but would feel better having a rough routine that I can adapt, and ideally some time for myself so I stay sane and get a few chores done, plus some ideas of how to engage a bright but not moving 12.5 month old other than her Wiggles DVDs! (Not asking for too much, am I?)

[~Lashes~]

subbing as my dd turns 1 in a week and bub 4 is due in little over a month she has also become prety clingy of late.

with dinner, have you thought of cooking a little extra and letting her join you? i know cooking with her up can be a hassle, i sometimes let her play with a small thing of water as she is currently facinated with the dogs bowl, pluss it helps her deal with the heat not to mention keeps her out of the dogs water!!
my dd has tried to walk, but will only do it if holding something, (usualy me) have you got her a push walker? ive got a little stroller that she can hold and keep balance, also feels "safe" that she wont fall over.. might help her be a little more indapendent?

[Pandora]

I think you are doing a really good job.

The one thing I'd change if anything would be to make her dinner/bath/bed routine roughly the same every day, or at least in the same order if there's no bath some days.

Are there any playgroups in your area you could go to?

[black_rose]

The clingyness is normal, it's a stage they go through unfortunately.

With bedtime introduce quiet time, after dinner we have a bath getting dressed with a massage and then read book. If your dd is playing after dinner she is getting all hyped up again.

During the day look for cues of what she might like. Exploring the garden for lady bugs, waterplay as Sarah said is another great one. A doodle pro is good as they can draw and you don't have to worry about them eating it, just put the smaller pieces away.

She will get more independent as she gets more mobile. The best thing you can do is enjoy this stage encouraging new skills.

[Yeddi]

Okay, I can only say what worked for us when my DD was little.

We made sure to have a one on one time first thing in the morning after breakfast. This is where I would forget everything else that needed to be done and sit down for about 20 minutes up to an hour just playing with my DD. I found that if I gave her this time, she was happier to do things on her own more throughout the day. It was a good opportunity for skill building as well.

My lifeline however, was "room time" in our routine. I bought a special countdown clock called a time timer off ebay. It's mainly used for autistic/ADHD kids but really good for littlies too as it is really visual and has a red disk that shows a count down that then alarms once it reaches 0. Everyday DD would be given special room toys to play with and was expected to play with them in her room for a set amount of time. At first we had to put her in a play pen, then when she was older and more mobile I would put a barricade in her door, then we eventually were able to remove that and she would just stay in her room until the timer went off. I started with a ten minute countdown and at first she cried and carried, but I didn't give in because it becomes what I call a cheap peace, in that trying to stop the crying here would lead to issues elsewhere, at a later stage at much greater ferocity. After three days of this being in her routine gave up and just played. In the end I was able to slowly increase the time to an hour - it was awesome! At five she can now quietly play in her room with her toys for hours on end (her choice).

Another thing I found great was putting her in her high chair and moving that into the kitchen while I cleaned up, cooked etc. She would be given 2-3 toys or books to play with on her tray while I worked. I also narrated what I was doing. This way should could be with me and involved but not in my way.

That's all I can think of at the moment, HTH.

[Tuesday's Child]

I'm mainly subbing 'cause I need some ideas too.

With breakfast, perhaps try giving it to her a little later. DD has a bf first thing in the morning (around 6:30-7) and then has breakfast at 8-8:30.

We do dinner about 4:30-5pm (I've recently brought it forward as she was too tired to eat properly any later). Have some quiet play/read books. Then bath is about 6:30-7pm followed by bedtime stories and bf to sleep. I think having the earlier dinner before she's too tired to eat gives her the energy to stay up a little later (another recent change) which has helped with some of our nighttime sleep issues.

[sloane]

it really does sound like you're doing a great job!

we ate dinner quite late until DS was about 18 months & we could all eat together - now he goes to bed 8-8.30 so we can do dinner at 6-6.30 & then he has his bath. if you can change things around so you eat together it is good.

i found with two naps a day we used that middle-period of the day as the time to leave the house. DS does swimming lessons & playgroup & we've also gone to storytime at the local library. some councils run monthly or bi-monthly craft/activity days. some days we used to just go to my parent's house for lunch - just another chance to be with other people & get us (me!) out of the house.

i think once she can move that she'll be less clingy & there'll be even more activities that you can do.

oh - we have a sandpit that DS likes as well. and it breaks up the day to have some time outside

[Miss E]

Sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job! I also found that stage at around 12 months quite tricky as DS started to transition from babyhood to toddlerhood. This also coincided with him starting childcare, which was really difficult for us but we go there. He was super clingy at that stage too and was still having 2 naps a day.

Like the others have said, I find it essential to get out of the house every day! More for DS's sanity than mine though. Organised activities are great, but even just walking to the shop to get some bread and milk is a good outing. I know she isn't moving yet, but have you tried taking her to the park and setting her up on a picnic blanket with some toys. Just a change of scenery can make a huge difference.

I've always had quite a structured dinner/bedtime routine, which I tend to think is important. DS has dinner at about 5.00pm, followed shortly there after by bath (depends on how tired he is) and then ready for bed and a BF before going down.

Personally, I don't think there is any need to rush dropping her bottles. My DS is 18 months and still has his start of the day BF and and before bed BF (which I'm hoping to drop soon, but that's a whole other thread). I think it is important to recognise that the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood can be quite difficult for them at times (even now at 18 months) and little comforts from their baby time like a bottle or a BF can just make the rest of the day so much easier.

GL with it all hun, sounds like you're doing really well! Personally, I've found that being a mother gets a bit more challenging as they get older, which goes against everything I thought and had been told when I was pregnant. But, now I've accepted that parenting is challenging (and unrelenting) and kinda learnt to roll with it iykwim? Every day is different and every week our routine seems to change in some subtle way.

[Taurean]

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I repeat anything.

You're doing a great job, especially given you're on your own a lot! Toddlers, particularly when clingy, can be very hard work at times. You're not alone

Since DD turned 4 months, we have done both swimming and Gymbaroo each week. Both have been excellent activities for her physically and mentally and we both get some social interaction. My DD crawled and walked early (she also climbed early ) and I really believe Gymbaroo, in particular, has helped her. The class is fun and offers lots of stimulation for LOs not to mention it gives you lots of ideas for you to do at home.

We walk most evenings with DD after she's fed and bathed so the temp outside is better. DD has her bottle in the pram and goes to bed when we get home. If the weather is cooler, I walk with her during the day - she loves the stimulation.

We visit the park frequently which admittedly is more enjoyable as she walks (runs around!) and can play on the equipment but even before she was crawling, I'd pop her under the trees on a bunny rug. Just watching the trees was great.

DD used her Fisher Price Jumperoo a LOT for stimulation and exercise, up until she started walking well. Google them, they are awesome!

We visit the pool in the warm weather for a casual swim and DD has always loved that, even as a little one at 4 months.

As for routine, your DDs day sleeps sound good. My DD still has two day sleeps (most of the time) and she's almost 17 months.

I would really try to be consistent with her bedtime routine, it's amazing how well it works. We give DD dinner around 5-5.30 then bath around 6-6.30 then a bottle just before bed. We aim for bed at 7-7.30. We often eat late too which does annoy me sometimes but I do prefer to relax and eat dinner when DD is settled. We do eat earlier with her some nights but DH often is home until 6pm or so which is getting a bit late for DD. I do bend the 'rules' (her routine) if she's in a good mood or she's had a late afternoon nap though.

With regards to the bottles, DD has between 2-3 a day. I only give her morning bottle before breakfast IF she wakes really early and I plan on putting her straight back to bed (so that's 5-6am for our DD as she's a late sleeper normally ). If she wakes after a normal nights sleep, she gets breakfast when she wakes then her first bottle before her morning nap. If another bottle fits into her schedule, she gets it after lunch, before her next nap. The last one is just before bed. This is what most of our mothers group are doing. The MCHNs had told us all to cut back on the milk but we all decided that "Hey, they like their milk and they are still so young so whats the problem?". It annoys me no end the rules MCHNs put on milk feeds. They are little toddlers! Sorry, rant over

Our DD often needs more milk in the evening before she'll settle for the night so we just keep offering. She's very quick to tell us when she's had enough - shakes head, pushes bottle away and says 'No' Maybe your DD is still thirsty? If you really don't want to offer more milk then maybe try water.

I hope some of that helps. Things will get easier when she's mobile, they love their independence. Hang in there

[Amber4]

Thanks to all of you for your ideas and encouragement. It means a lot

Sarah, the water suggestion is great. I hadn’t thought of that as an activity but feel pretty stupid now that I think about it because she sets it up herself by playing with water from her cup all the time! We do have a push walker but she still walks on her toes most of the time and I don’t think she’s stable enough for it yet (maybe I’m just being overprotective although our floors are mostly tiled so there is less bump protection).

Pandora, Black Rose and Tuesday’s Child - thanks for the suggestions re the night routine, especially keeping it consistent and the quiet time idea. We have fallen into letting her play again after her bottle (more so DH could have more time with her and so I could sneak off and get dinner made), but I think we’ve made a rod for our own backs. As for playgroups, I haven’t looked into them yet as DD is always so unsettled when we go to mother’s group. I suspect it’s because all of the other kids are very mobile and she tends to sit there and get aggro when they come and take toys off her and she can’t follow them! It makes for a fairly stressful time for both of us. I’d like to join a playgroup but might leave it for about 6 months.

Yeddi, what awesome ideas! Thank you so much.

Sloane and Miss E, your outing ideas are great and it helps to know what works for you with your evening routines.

Taurean, wow, I’m so grateful for all the info you’ve shared. Re the bottles/ milk feeds... I dropped her down to 2 recently because she’s a bit of a chubby bub (not huge, but 11.8kg with roly-poly thighs!) I wasn’t worried about her weight but so many people have said her weight is probably why she hasn’t walked/crawled yet so I felt as though I should reduce it. Don’t even get me started on MCHNs I stopped going to the clinic when she was 6 months old because they suggested that I put her on a diet. Yes with food restriction and all. I have always felt strongly about offering her as much varied food as she wants to eat and letting her decide how much she has.. except with the bottles as I was beginning to worry I guess and took everyone’s comments to heart. She has about 240ml milk twice a day now.. but sometimes cries when the bottle is finished, especially at night. This sounds ridiculous but I haven’t offered more and am now thinking I should. Same as your DD I’ve found she pushed the bottle away at other times when she’s had enough so there’s no reason for me to think I would overfeed her I guess, and she probably is thirsty with the heat we've been getting lately. I’m in the process of converting over to cows milk from formula now. Is that what you give your DD? I don't know if nutritionally it makes much difference... I just remember reading it somewhere.

[Taurean]

Oh you poor thing!! A diet for a baby, seriously! She definitely doesn't sound that big to me - just healthy

We started giving DD cows milk (must be full cream, they need the fat) about a week after her first birthday. There is no need to continue with formula, cows milk and other dairy has everything they need. If your DD hasn't shown any adverse reactions to dairy then try switching her. We ran out of formula on holiday and I didn't want to buy another tin of formula so we went straight to cows milk full time and DD has never looked back. She loved it immediately and still does.

I would definitely try some more milk in the evening, especially if you're happy to continue not giving her milk in the middle of the day. One of the girls in my MG often has close to 500ml in the evening - it's just what she needs! Our DD usually has 200ml but sometimes it's less and sometimes it's more. If she finishes her bottle and is unsettled then she gets more. And like I said, she tells us very clearly when she's done

I forgot to mention in my other posts that on really hot days or wet days, we go to indoor playcentres. The toddler areas are usually great fun

[sloane]

a diet for a baby? that's horrible.

i reckon don't worry about having made a rod for your backs with the post-bottle playtime in the evenings. it's important for your DD to have the time with your DH - maybe they can incorporate some very calming play/stories? not that it works like that here - playtime with dad is noisy & lots of fun she'll change soon enough anyway (don't they always just when you get used to something?!!) & then it won't matter

if your instinct tells you to offer her more milk at night, then do it. i really do think for the most part they know when they've had enough

[kylieb77]

Regarding the after tea daddy time - My DH actually does the bath with my DS and they have that time together, then afterwards a quiet time on daddy's knee reading books before bed. We don't encourage active play at this time, but they still get their time together.

[black_rose]

We do the same Kylie, although it's tricker with three he still gives them the bath and takes the lead with bed time. I just get the pj's, nappies and milk sorted etc so they focus on daddy.

[Miss E]

Regarding the after tea daddy time - My DH actually does the bath with my DS and they have that time together, then afterwards a quiet time on daddy's knee reading books before bed. We don't encourage active play at this time, but they still get their time together.

That's what we do too.

[Amber4]

Great ideas Sloane, Kylie, Black Rose and Miss E... I will pitch them to DH when he's home in a few days! I reckon he will be on board when he sees the benefit for us (eg, calmer Mummy, dinner and unwind at 7:30pm instead of 9pm!)

Taurean... you were so right. All I've done for the last 2 nights is increased her night bottle to 300ml. She's drinking all of it so she obviously wanted it but more to the point she's going to bed A LOT more happily and going to sleep quietly. Might be a coincidence but I think it's the milk that is helping.... Thanks!