Telliing your child their father isnt their father

[Cocolove]

My daughter is 8 and DH isnt her biological father and DH keeps putting it off and constantly has excuses not to tell her and im getting frustrated she needs to know!

Ive been with DH since she was 14 months old, she hasnt seen her bio father since she was 2yrs 2months old!

I need some help what to say & how to get DH to tell her??

[Maruschke]

RD my mother also told me when I was 8, and I have a very similar situation to your DD. It really didn't bother me, I considered mum;s DH to be Dad and that was that... the fact that someone else contributed the genetics didn't bother me then and still doesn't now.

I would wait though until DH was comfortable with it.

[LionsandBears]

I've not been in your situation, but why does your DH have to tell her? Can you work out together what you want to say and sit her down together and tell her.

Maybe:

Remember, when X used to visit? Well Mummy and X used to be a couple. Then we broke up.You were made with him and mummy before we broke up.

Dh is your dad because he loves you and raises you. But genetically, he's not. Mummy and DH met after you were born.

I'm sure someone else can help with the exact words. She'll just need to know he loves her as she is, which I'm sure he does

[Maruschke]

I had no idea what genetics were at that age. I just knew that mummy and daddy made me, and then dad left soon after, and later mum met someone she loved who raised me and loved me as his own.

[shellbell3]

Is there any books or websites that could help give ideas how to word it and explain it in terms that she will understand?

[OceanPrincess]

Yeah I bet there's a picture story book... Go check your local library!

[beckoes]

Not the same situation really, but my sister and i have different fathers, she is 14 years younger than me and my parents (being my mum and step dad) were stressing about how and when to tell her. I decided i would tell her and i think she was about 5. she didnt really get it then, i think she was just too young, she asked a few questions and was happy with the answers and that was it, but i made sure it was talked about from time to time, not big D&Ms, just comments and answered any questions. it was never an issue as we were always really open about it and we never think of each other as half sisters.
IMO its better to do it sooner rather than later, so its no like you have been keeping from her, but you also have to make sure DH is ready to tell her, maybe sit down with him and have a proper chat about it, make him think of the down points of leaving it too long compared with telling her now when she is likely to be more accepting of it.
He might be worried about saying things like ''im not your real daddy'' to her, but there is no need to say that, there are different ways to word it that still gets the facts over without taking anything away from thier relationship.

Im thinking about the relationship i have with my step dad, although i think of him as my dad. i have from about 6 years old, There are different meanings to the word 'father'....in my mind a father is the person who loves you, cares for you, gives you structure in your life and a role model to look up too.....not the DNA which created you. if you can translate that to something an 8 year old can understand it might be a good place to start.

[misty]

I do think this is something that should probably be explained by you, or with both you and your hubby. I don't think you should wait any longer either. If you leave it too long, it will become a real big deal, and she will feel betrayed and lied to. But if you tell her now, and make out like it is not a big deal, then she will likely agree with you that it isn't a big deal either.

[~Lashes~]

just want to say and good luck.
i was 7 i think when my mum told me my dad, wasnt my "real" dad, they were never together, and she had been with my step dad since i was about 18 months. i remember she sat me down with my baby book, and showed me a photo of a man in a army uniform standing between grandma & gramps, she explained how the "step dad" thing worked and how the guy in the pic was my "biological father" but also made it absolutle clear that it did not change a thing, i had asked my step dad when i was 3 if i could call him dad, he was wraped, and if i wanted to continue to do so, it was my decission. he wasnt there for "the talk" but gave me a hug and asked how i felt after i "knew"
good luck, and your right, she dose need to know! i remeber i felt a little wierd for a few days or so, but after that, life went back to normal and i never realy thought about it untill i was a tennager and mum started with the "ill send you to live with your father" i met him for the first time when i was 14, but still refer to my step dad as dad, even tho he and mum have been split for arround 8 yrs now.

[Cocolove]

She doesnt remeber her bio dad I think was too young!

My mum has kept a photo of her bio dad for when the time came, which i guess is lucky, I can get a pic off FB though, we have 14 mutual friends considering we went to school together!

What do I tell her and what do i leave out, ill share a quick story you know where its all coning from

I met X in high school when I was 16 we got together and when I was 17 I fell pregnant with DD, X decided the baby wasnt his and refused to have anything to do with me, he orderd DNA testing which of course came back positive, he was in and out of her life until she was 14 months when I met DH and moved 4 hours away, I then got summoned to court and he had fortnightly supervised access this went on for 5 months when she 26 months old he decided with his uni & work he didnt have time to travel to see her so stood back and hasnt seen her since.
He now has another child, emily, shes 2 now do we tell DD1 about her sister? Hes now an architect in Melbourne and his GF is a Lawyer! (whom I hope isnt a BB member, if you are then im sorry & please speak up)

[skybie]

tell her ASAP!!!~ doesnt matter how, just do it.
i accidently foubd out on my own accord when i was 15 that who i thought was my dad actually wasnt and it took me a very long time to come to grips with it. i had no sense of identity for such a long time. i wish my mum had told me sooner

[Maruschke]

Have you discussed with DH how you are going to feel/react if DD decides later on in life she wants to get to know her bio dad? That has just come up in our family.

[nickle730]

Both of my parents were previously married and my brother and sister were the product of my mum's first marriage. I am the product of my mum's second and my dad's third marriages (dad's now onto wife number four!). My mum and dad got together when my sister was one and my brother two years old. I was born a few years later.

We were never told that dad was not my brother and sister's biological father. When I was turning 14 I went hunting for my birthday presents (as you do!) and I found some official paperwork relating to changing my brother and sisters' surname. It wasn't too hard to put it all together (they look very alike and I look very different, they had always teased me that I was adopted!). I confronted my mum with what I knew a few days later. She was shocked and unprepared and initially denied that it was true. A couple of days later mum and dad sat us all down and told us the truth.

My brother had figured out the truth a few years earlier but had never said anything for fear of hurting dad. My sister was utterly shocked and found it very difficult to cope. Even now, almost 20 years late, my sister feels betrayed and abandoned. Betrayed that our dad had 'deceived' her and abandoned by her biological father (whom she has contacted by doesn't maintain a relationship with).

Having lived this situation and seen the effect it has had, particularly on my sister, my advice to you is to tell your DD now. Don't wait. You and your DH need to sit down together and answer all her questions honestly. Reassure her that her dad is still her dad and loves her just as much as if she carried her DNA. She needs to feel confident that her dad loves her as much as he loves his biological children. A dad is someone who raises a child, not someone who contributes some genes and walks away.

I would not tell her yet of her half sister unless she asks. It was one of the first questions my siblings and I wanted answered - are there more of us? But we were older and your DD may not ask yet. When she does ask, you must be honest. If she hasn't asked in the next few months I would find a time to tell her, it's important that she knows you have been honest and told her the whole truth.

Good luck. Oh, and for your DH - both my brother and sister consider my dad to be just as much their dad. He is the man who raised them, supported them and loved them. A family is a lot more than genetics.

[kimmi]

I can not speak from experience, but maybe explain to her that's mum's an dad's come in all forms and they get to be parents in different ways, but the REAL meaning of Dad is your DH. The one who loves and cares for her, and will be there forever!

Maybe even explain to her that her and her dad's relationship is even MORE special because he CHOSE to be her dad, unlike someone who it just 'happens' to. And that how lucky she is, out of ALL the little girls in the world, she's the one he wanted to look after.

[HotI]

Todd Parr has a book about Families that might help open up the conversation- i think it goes something like "some families are big, some families are small....some families have two mums...... " and talks about different types of families

ETA It's called "The Family Book" by Todd Parr

[Cocolove]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

[FabFiona]

I have no experience with this specific situation however I do have a suggestion that might help before you have the conversation.

I'd recommend drafting up a question and answer document. Try and anticipate the questions she will ask then write down the answers you will give. If you do this with your DH then that might help him deal with his fears about telling her. You might feel a bit dumb writing it down but it really does help. There would be nothing worse than her asking a question that you don't have an answer to. Or worse, you giving an answer that DH then contradicts you on.

Good luck.

Fiona

[Maruschke]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

The contact with bio dad issue is causing friction in my family at the moment . I personally think honesty and transparency is the right way to go.

My older sister wants to get to know her bio dad's family (not him, because he died) and I really really don't. My step dad doesn't want us to either. But it would be much easier on all of us if we were just left to decide what we wanted to do and freely do that with no fear of hurting others etc.

All I can suggest, from personal experience, is the earlier she is told the better, and likely the less interested she will be in hunting him down.

Hope it goes well for you .