Aspergers in Adults - A place to chat

[~Trish~]

I have been meaning to start a thread like this for AGES, but didn't know where to start! I thought it would be great to be able to chat about all things Aspergers with others here. You might have Aspy tendancies (like me!) or you might have a loved one who has AS and you need to chat/vent/get support/ask questions about it.

My own background: My family on my dad's side has a history of Aspergers Syndrome. My dad and brother are undiagnosed, but definitely have it. My brother's 16 year old daughter has been diagnosed and a male cousin (who behaves EXACTLY like my brother) has been diagnosed. My sister and two aunties all have traits, there are more, but I won't bore you all .

I have only been learning about my own Aspy-ness over the past 12 months, I never really put 2 and 2 together before that. It has been eye-opening reading about it, it has really helped me understand myself and also to remove a lot of "what is wrong with me?" thoughts. I wouldn't say I have AS, I just know I have a lot of traits. I am actually a pretty social person so it probably wouldn't be easily spotted in me.

I read through sites explaining AS in children and think "That was me!". I had much stronger Aspy traits when I was a child/teenager, but I have adapted and learned over time so it is much less obvious now.

Anyway, that is a little spiel on me. I'd love to chat more as things arise, but I'd also like to chat and maybe start a support network here on BB for those with AS, AS traits or those with a loved one with AS.

I don't proclaim to know everything AS, I really don't, but I'm enjoying learning about it and hope we can all learn together

[anney]

Hi Trish,
great idea this thread. Suspect my DH may have some AS traits. Am going to be watching this thread to see what I can learn and participate where I can. Can you point me in the direction of what you have been reading that has helped you understand?

[LionsandBears]

hmmm. I just read through a list of female aspergers symptoms. I certainly can tick a number of those boxes but I'm not sure. I have been dx with ADD which I understand has some overlap. I believe my Dad and at least one brother have aspergers or ADD tendencies.

I'm not sure I fit in here, but I'll read with interest, if that's OK.

[~Trish~]

Hi Anney, thanks for joining me! I have found a fantastic blog called Life With Aspergers that has been so helpful. The guy who writes it explains things so well and I find reading the comments in his blog posts equally as helpful. It would be very helpful for a wife who is trying to understand her DH. I will PM the link to you if you like? I have also found useful information thanks to Google, also various links I've read that people have shared on FB, I should have bookmarked them so I could share them!

If anyone has some good resources, please share

Tash - You don't need to ask, of course you can read along, and please feel free to join in! Even if it's not AS you are dealing with (or maybe it is?), we might all be able to help each other work out how we tick

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I'm here! Watching tv with dh, so I can't stop. Tried to get some books from the library but there were none there, will go to a different one tomorrow. Hopefully Sibbie will come in, if not I can pm you a link Anney.

I think I'm gonna LOVE this thread

[~Trish~]

Welcome Keike!

If anyone has any really good links, please PM me too!

I'll probably come here to talk about my dad at some stage, I'm struggling a bit with him and I think it would be good to have somewhere to debrief .

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Alrighty, I'm guessing I can post the following link coz it's not to a store, it's to the Aspie organization. Lots of helpful links

ASPIA - Asperger Syndrome Partner Information Australia Inc.

[Yeddi]

Anything by Tony Attwood is worth reading.

My DH hasn't been diagnosed with AS, but DD's ASD psych has said that he so has it but that because he's successful in his career and personal relationships a diagnosis would be counter productive. I'm an introvert (bet you wouldn't have guessed that) and therefore find social gatherings draining on my emotional tank rather than invigorating, this means we get on well because while I can play the social game, I'm not always forcing him into it and I'm happy for us to keep to ourselves most of the time. Because he can't read cues he has a tendency to go about a topic long after people have lost interest, and we have invented our own form of sign language, so if he sees me looking at him and rubbing behind my ear he knows he has to shut up. We generally don't have any issues between ourselves, at least any more. The rules of engagement we set up first year of marriage and years of practice have helped a lot, but we have been having some AS related issues lately regarding tone. DH is very monotone but also speaks very fast, but sometimes the best way to cut through to my ASD DD is to change the modulation of our voices and speed of our instructions, which is something he finds very hard to do. He's always complaining that she doesn't listen to him, but then his little mini me (they are SOOO alike in many ways) can't hear him when he speaks his normal way. It's a point of frustration at the moment.

Is this the sort of discussion you were after?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I've said it before but I'll say it again (mainly coz I've gotta spread the love) - Yeddi, you're AWESOME. I just told DH about your sign language, and he got all sheepish and said 'I kinda do that, don't I?' Hehe, he so does that. So we're gonna work out a language of our own.

I'd be interested in some examples of your 'rules of engagement' as well. I was going to sit down with him and we'd write out what we want from our relationship, and how our partner can help us achieve it, but I think your rules will be easier to get across. Worth a shot anyway, especially if it's worked for you.

This is exactly the kind of chat I'd imagined, not sure about Trish though

ETA - Ohh, I feel like crying I'm reading through this PDF on the website - so many things Professor does are here! So many things I thought he didn't care about, he didn't pay attention to, he couldn't give a wet slap...they're all here, and I'm not crazy!

I'm gonna try and convince him to come into this thread and post from his perspective

[Yeddi]

Some things I've learnt:

1. Those on the spectrum notice EVERYTHING. For instance, my husband can smell a pooey nappy from the next room, when I can't smell it despite having a good nose when only a metre away. They just see the world differently. It's what makes him a fabulous process auditor. He has described he way he thinks now as thinking in parallels, where he thinks like himself but can flick the switch by inverting his thought patterns in order to get others. It's something he has learnt to do after years of practice but it wasn't easy for him. But here is the crux of his way of thinking that makes it so difficult for other people to get him and for him to get them. When we used to look at the same problem I, from a non-AS POV would normally come up with one or two solutions, he on the other hand comes up with 25+ solutions - each valid in their own way, each with their own weaknesses. Having so many options, he would pick which one he thought was the best to focus on, which was usually the opposite of what everyone else would have generally picked, and because it was so different and not the most obvious to everyone else it often led to confusion. So in order to not get confused or need to deal with a huge amount of information that he seemed to see, he would simply switch off. Lucky I'm kinky and find different a turn on, so I've always appreciated the seemingly left field ideas/comments, although I did use to get upset by their delivery but once he learnt his way wasn't the only way either it was much better. Anyway, building confidence by encouraging different without implying it's wrong is really important, which is easier said than done.

[Professor]

and there I was, thinking the rest of the world was the one with the problem, cos they couldn't cope with my brilliance...

Suddenly my school years make a lot more sense. I know I have the tendency to use my vast knowledge and intellect to 'lord' it over people, and find it difficult to accept that I may not be right. Because of that, I feel like I generate resentment in others, especially my peers, and so the bullying, and the social isolation I received in return seem almost appropriate.

Believe me, i have done a ton of thinking on this over the last 15 years. As i have gotten older, i have learned to accept that there are things that i don't know, or that others know better than i do. this makes me more willing to listen, but i am finding through this discussion, and through the things Keike is reading to me, that there are a lot more issues i have still to work on.

[RainbowBrite]

I have read a lot on Aspergers and I have many of the traits, it makes a lot of sense to me and explains a lot of the feelings I had growing up.
I have always been very awkward socially...not knowing how to act, if I am saying the right thing. Ihave always felt very out of place.
Even at school I had trouble making friends and felt I never fitted in....I was extremely shy and still am.
I avoid many social situations because it leaves me exhausted and doubting myself.
I was forever disappearing into my own world as a child. It was something that did not go unnoticed by my teachers and is on many a report card.
I was kept down in year one because of my lack of social skills...but then skipped year three and caught up to my peers on an educational level.
I very often get caught up in things that I am doing and I put my all into it. If I pull apart a computer I will not rest until I get it all put back together and working.
I am intelligent and am articulate but have a very hard time communicating through writing...my brain works far to fast for my hands and I miss words or write the wrong words and I feel I come across the wrong way.
Some post can take me a long time to write because I have to write and re-write many times.
I am an oddball
I am not sure if I have aspergers but I just know that reading the traits makes me feel like I 'fit in' some where. That there may be a reason I am like I am.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My sister diagnosed me as an Aspie just over a year ago. She's right - I was Queen of the Aspies as teen. However, that was "wrong" in my mother's eyes so I learnt how to shut up and suck up the social scene "correctly". It is a case of yes, I can understand and empathise with people - when I can be bothered. Most of the time sociability is too much of an effort.

And yet I have chosen a career where you have to constantly be aware of everyone else and think what they are going to be thinking before them. Well, I do like challenges!

As for my marriage - DH is somewhere on the spectrum too, we just have to (a) be a mindreader and (b) stop the sulks within 2 days when one of us realises the other isn't. I was going to say DH was worse than me, then I forced myself to be objective and realised I'm a little more forgiving of him because I was forced to be a litttle more aware that "Aspie traits are bad traits" (so to speak) as a child so attempt, occasionally, to curb my tendencies. But Keike, reading that pdf made me laugh: imagine two people behaving like that married to each other! It makes for an interesting house. (And now DH is forgiven for not kissing me correctly before I left home on Saturday... just! Yes, I was in a mood with him for 2 days because the kiss was the wrong type of kiss.)

[loulabelle]

Does anyone have a good link to a site that has a list of symptoms for women?I can't find a lot on the Internet and I'd be interested to have a read. I've always had very strong sensory issues and I guess I'm a little, um, weird??

[~Trish~]

Wow, thanks for your replies everyone! Yeddi, this is exactly the sort of discussion I was hoping for . You have given a great explanation, thanks so much.

Professor - I'm glad you have joined in! I know what you mean about suddenly the school years making sense, I felt the same when I read through some info on AS in kids.

RainbowBrite - I could have written a lot of your post! All my primary school reports have a teacher mentioning that I was a daydreamer. I have changed a lot over the years and am far less shy than I was, but wow, it's nice to meet someone so similar to me

FlyingButter - ( Love your new name), it's kind of nice if you're both on the spectrum, hopefully you can learn together about each other. It makes a big difference once you start learning how you tick and why you do things a certain way.

Loulabelle - I'll PM you a link I found recently if you like? I just Googled Aspergers in girls (rather than females) and found much more info.

I'll come back and explain my own Aspy tendancies later when I don't have hungry kids at my feet! I don't come across as intelligent or knowledgable because I'm not , I didn't get the high intelligence that can come with AS haha! So please forgive me if I don't sound very smart

[Sibbie]

Hi all!

My stepdad & little brother are our quirky aspie gents in our family. My Mum works in early intervention for kids that have disabilities and of course that includes ASD kids & behavioral problems etc etc. She has a HUGE amount of resources, I will grill her for a list of things today - websites, books etc that might be of use for everyone. The ASPIA site is great for people that are NT with an ASD partner.

asperger women association I found this via google, not sure if this will help... I didn't get a chance to look through it properly. (hope I am ok posting that link, I can't find it selling anything so I guess its ok?)

Professor - props for posting man, it's not a fun ride - but knowledge is good! The more you know, the better you will be able to understand yourself

[~Trish~]

Sibbie - I'm so glad you have joined in! It would be great if you could share some resources . Thanks for posting that link, I'm having a bit of a read through it as I get a spare minute or two. I had a "Wow, that was me!" moment when I read this:

According to Dr. Tony Attwood, a leading expert on Asperger Syndrome, Aspie boys often appear like "little professors" who are expert in one subject. However, Aspie girls are more like "little philosophers." They may wonder if all people see the same color as blue, for instance, or analyze the meaning of the word "mind."

I have always been a "philosopher" and have wondered if people see colours the same way I do haha! I also analyse words, I had one recently, but can't think of what it was atm (I have shocking short-term memory issues ). I always get looked at sideways if I wonder these things out loud LOL!

[Yeddi]

They say everyone has some AS or ASD traits, so one or two of these things in isolation does not make someone AS, for instance I would consider myself a little philosopher but don't have social or voice issues. In order to qualify as AS you would need to meet at least 1 in each category of the following criteria:

1. Social impairment (extreme egocentricity) (at least two of the following):
- difficulties interacting with peers
- indifference to peer contacts
- difficulties interpreting social cues
- socially and emotionally inappropriate behaviour

2. Narrow interests (at least one of the following):
- exclusion of other activities
- repetitive behaviour
- more rote than meaning

3. Compulsive need for introducing routines and interests (at least one of the following):
-which affect the individual's every aspect of everyday life
- which affect others

4. Speech and language peculiarities (at least three of the following):
- delayed speech development
- superficially perfect expressive language
- formal pedantic language
- odd prosody, peculiar voice characteristics (like being monotone)
- impairment of comprehension including misinterpreting of literal/implied meanings (like not getting sarcasm)

5. Non-verbal communication problems (at least one of the following)
- limited use of gestures
- clumsy/gauche body language
- limited facial expression
- inappropriate facial expression
- peculiar, stiff gaze

6. Motor clumsiness:
- poor performance in neurodevelopmental test.