How long do you be nice about it for?

[StrawberryFields]

So I generally like my MIL. She's an absolute angel compared to my mother, but sometimes she REALLY gets on my nerves, especially of late since I'm a cranky, fat, pregnant lady lol.

Lately there's been a couple of things that she's been doing/asking etc that I've already asked her not to do several times, very politely, and I'm just wondering, is there a point that we get to that I'm entitled to stop being nice about it?

The most irritating one is the chain emails. Over the last year, I've asked her over 20 times to stop sending them to me, and yet I wake up this morning and there's another one waiting in my inbox! I never pass them on, or send them back (as per the terms and conditions of most of the stupid things) and on top of that and my near begging her not to send them, I still get them from her!

The next most irritating one is her constant lecturing me on how to take care of babies and what not. Yes, I get that she had 4 of them, yes I get she's a nurse and worked in the maternity ward for 15 years, but she never had to deal with two newborns at once, 24/7, 365. She also had the exact opposite problem of my foremothers when it came to BFing, so she doesn't understand when I get upset about her telling me how she had so much milk she had to put plastic under the sheets on the bed - no matter how many times I explain it to her. Its been over a century since the women of my family lactated, I don't need to be reminded of how easily it comes to some people.

The last thing - and I haven't actually said to her 'hey would you mind not doing that' for this because its kind of sensitive - is she keeps trying to get me to call her 'mum.' Most of the time I don't even call my own mother that. Its just really...weird to me, she isn't my mother so why would I call her that? I keep trying to drop hints by constantly using her name instead but she just doesn't seem to be getting the message and its making me really uncomfortable

I know if I did just turn around and snap at her one of these days, I could easily write it off as hormones, but the thing is I know she means well (at least with the exception of the emails) and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I've asked DH to talk to her about it but he just doesn't get why in the first place.

What would you do?

[boobaloo]

gotta love in-laws. i think the 'mum' thing would upset me the most, i think i'd say '*insert name* i love that you think that much of me that you would like me to call you mum, but it makes me uncomfortable. i have a mother already. but thankyou'. other than that i have no idea.
btw, that's crazy about the century of no lactating! genes are an amazing thing aren't they. i wonder where it started??
good luck with the mil, i think it's always best to be fairly upfront about these things xoxo

[*Danni*]

Firstly I'm going to say that you are so luck you have a nice MIL, mine was/is SO CRAZY (to the point that my Hubby doesn't even talk to her anymore!!)

Anyways....

I think you should definitely confront her. These little things that are bothering you really are unnecessary and a waste of your energy and as you say she probably doesn't even know that you are sensitive about it so I'd just sit down over a cuppa (or send an email - depends how comfortable you are with confrontation) and just say what's on your mind, without attacking. From what you said in here it looks like you are really level headed about it anyway!

The most important issue to me is the one where she is telling YOU how to take care of your babies. That is a big no no!!! If you let down your guard on that one it can be dangerous! I would definitely say straight out that HEY we all parent differently and the way I prefer to raise my children is different to you as it is different to x bla bla and just ask that she respect it as you are happy just the way you are doing things, but you are happy her way worked for her. regarding the Mum calling issue - say just what you said here! That you aren't comfortable as it's not her just the way you feel - even with your own Mum so don't take offense it's just the way I am. Hope I have it all covered? Just remember you're a Mum too and it's up to you to stand up for yourself, your family and the way YOU do things. Take charge m'lady and good luck! She'll understand, it was her turn once and know it's yours

Let us know how you go! Hope I helped in some way!


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- Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[NaeNae]

I would stop now.

For the emails just say to her that the chain letters really clog up your inbox and have actually let a whole heap of spam in. I'd also say to her that if she continues you're going to have to change your email address as SOME of the spam mail contains hacking viruses and is able to access your other friends emails. OK so its a load of B.S but desperate times call for desperate measures. Just be prepared to change your email and not give it to her though.

RE the baby caring, lactating thing. Sadly you will get parenting advice no matter whether you want it or not. I would probably mention that things have changed a lot over the years and there is an awful lot of new parenting techniques that you think you'd like to consider "but thank you very much for your suggestions" .... if that doesn't stop her you might need to just nod and do your own thing anyway and let the comments slip. SOmetimes its not worth the battle when it comes to people who "know better" .... Just don't allow yourself to be bullied or allow her to take over. It may mean a sharp hard word to her but you're about to become a mother and you need to learn to hell with other peoples feelings if it intrudes too much on how you choose to raise your family.

The Mum think is a funny one too. I think you need to just be honest with her and tell her you are not comfortable with calling her "mum" as you already have a mother and you don't even refer to her as mum so you feel odd about it. Simple. Again if she persists just ignore her comments and continue calling her whatever it is you call her.


BEst of luck hun, I think you are about to enter a HUGE growing/learning curve. Aside from becoming a mother you are going to have to learn tack and subtly when dealing with things you are not comfortable with. If other people get hurt in the process always try to make clear that its not your intention but you do deserve a little more respect and need to learn things on your own accord. Be sure to throw in the old "but if I need your help I will be sure to ask for it" line as it may save their ego.

HTH Nae x x

[diva det]

i am sorry that your MIL is being a PITA
having had twins but she could be a really usefully ally when they are born- sounds like she likes to stick her nose into everything so use it to your advantage. get her to work out a cleaning/meal roster and co-ordinate it for your. get her to make sure that DH has his lunch everyday.
Get her busy- can man with twins on the way- the more help you can get the better.

Perhap she will have all the domestics and other boring jobs organised so you can just concentrate on your new little ones!!
use her enthusiasm to your advantage and you may be on to something. Perhaps a talk in boundaries might be in order, but make it out like it is someone else that is over stepping the boundaries and if she can help by making sure she tells that to respect your decisions and that you are doing what you think is best for you and your babies might help!!!
also tell her that you havent been receiving her emails lately as your email filter keeps thinking that all her emails are spam so for her to be careful what she sends so that i gets through to you
its a delicate sitaution but i reckon if you play her like a fiddle she would be a good person to work to your advantage
hugs

[luna moth]

What would you do?

I would just let her go. It's in good spirit.

Emails - I would just set up my filter to automatically delete them.
Baby advice - be thankful. Her lactation advice might not be relevant, so get that advice from a professional. But otherwise, talk your choices through with her now. Start the conversation. Tell her you're lucky to have her, and prepare her for the kind of help she'll be giving you, whether that's cooking, washing nappies, watching babies while you shower, whatever. Talk her through your parenting choices - are you planning to co-sleep/babywear/BLS/use dummies/whatever. You cannot have too much help, so just make sure it's the right kind.

Name - what will her grandmother name be? Start calling her that. She'll love it.

[aussienic]

the emails wouldn't bother me cus there is a delete button for a reason

breastfeeding: Honestly let it go as she most likely isn't meaning to hurt your feelings but it sounds like a conversation started or a way to bond with you (this is my opinion and it would bug me to but somethings just need to be ignored kwim? )

Calling her mum.. yeh no. I wouldn't call my MIL Mum. She isn't my mother.. Simple as that Don't call her mum just call her by her name

I have friends who call each others parents mum and dad and it bugs me soooooo much I don't have a clue who they are talking about half the time

[Party-of-five]

I made a new email account and only told my MIL about it...every now and again I check it just to have a giggle at the amount of rubbish emails it contains

[RhiChiChi]

As per Audax's suggestions with the emails, I would just set up my filter to automatically delete them.

Unwanted baby advice is a toughie b/c people will give you any advice they see fit. I'd probably just acknowledge her suggestion and that is it.

I don't call my IL's 'mum or dad' - I was with my DH for 7 year before we got married and I always called them by their first name, so I was not about to change once we got married. Can you call her something else that is sort of 'mum' term but not mum? Again, Audax has made a great suggestion!

GL

[StrawberryFields]

Thanks ladies, I just wanted to see what other peoples thoughts were and stuff.

I did set up a separate email for her only but somehow she got my real one off someone else and the spam filter doesn't always pick everything up. I might try explaining to her that that email is only for professional stuff and see how that goes.

I'm used to unwanted baby/parenting advice but she is really forceful about it. She's a doormat about almost everything else except this. I'm lucky that we live so far away in a way because I know she wont be interfering long term, but we have completely opposite ideas of everything and I don't want to appear ungrateful after she flies all the way up here to help us out. I've already snapped at her for continuously asking me for belly photos, but I don't want to bite the hand so to speak.

Boobaloo - Yeah I come from a long line of biological failures lol It could even go further back but we don't have records from that time, we've only got them from when the first lot of that side of the family came to Australia in the 1880's. Wherever it comes from though its a pretty strong gene because it hasn't been stamped out yet!

She'll be known as Oma since DH's family are Dutch but I dunno, I think it would be weird for me to start calling her that just yet! Once the girls are born though it would be much easier!

Would it be totally spineless of me to get SIL to say something? She's about as subtle as a sledge hammer but she would have no scruples about doing it!

[alish]

I made a new email account and only told my MIL about it...every now and again I check it just to have a giggle at the amount of rubbish emails it contains

omg i cracked up when i read this!

in my opinion -

emails - id bring the issue up and make a joke of it - are you able to do that with her?

the advice re: babies - yeah youre always going to get that one, im getting it also, i just go yeah alright and nod - only you will figure out whats best for your babies

the mum thing - OMG my mil does this too, she is also an arm/leg stroker.... that gives me the creeps - im too chicken to say anything about it though i must admit (plus it dosent really bother me as we dont see her much) she is an overly sensitive woman, though i do pull away a fair bit and she has backed off with the touching.. again *I* would make a joke of it and say something like "oh i didnt know you gave birth to me! eww that means im having babies with my brother"!

as you can see i take the joke way to confront people.. it usually works for me

[KitFaerie]

Babies are obviously very important to her, your obviously important to her too and that's brilliant! It's not so brilliant that she's not listening to you about the email thing, I would remind her again that it's for work stuff and it spam clogs it. As for the baby advice, I'd wait til you have the girls, as some (some, not all!) may actually come in handy. It's all knowledge, some of it might be the exact opposite of what you want to do, but it opens up the lines of communication for you to tell her about your parenting ideals and get her on board with those (you're going to want her on board!). I had some great conversations with my Mum (I don't have a MIL) about what had changed since she had babies (she was a nurse too) through those conversation we got onto the same page for how I wanted to parent DS when he showed up and what her role was. As for the breastfeeding thing, tell her the truth - it bothers you and hurts your feelings. Hopefully she'll respect that.

[*Efjay*]

emails ... gah thats hard, maybe you could sat " hey, I think you have a virus on your computer that has hacked your email because I always get spam mail from you... She might click that you see it as spam & not something clever like she seems too.

Parenting/breastfeeding.....hmmmm I don't know your reasons so I will do my best to be tactful here...It sounds like you are going into the breastfeeding thing with a "likely to fail" attitude. A century of non lactating? really? I am interested to know more about this. Is there a known medical reason for this? Have you been warned already that your breasts will possibly be unable to produce milk?
Maybe you could tell her that you are concerned that you will have troubles because of your family history and that you can see by her stories that she obviously had ample milk supply, does she have any PRACTICAL suggestions to help you? Would she like to come along to a ABA breastfeeding education class to "support" you aka be brought up to speed. For what its worth, my family (grandmother) carried on about how no one in our family could breastfeed so I wouldn't be able to either. Every one is different. I have been breastfeeding for 9 years! Unless there is a real medical reason for it, then try to go into it with a positive attitude of "I can do this" not I will try.
As I said Im not sure if your history re BFing so Im sorry if that came over as too strong/offensive.

THe Mum thing...... She sounds rather old fashion... Who does that these days? Just ignore it & use her name as normal. She will let it go eventually. OR weird her out & say if you call her Mum it makes you feel weird, like DH is your brother or something LOL

Good luck.

[StrawberryFields]

Alish - She strokes you? That's so weird! That would scare the crap out of me! I'm not big on touching in general, I find hugging my inlaws very awkward...I find hugging my own parents awkward for that matter though!

I wish I could take the joke way out but she's one of those people who only really gets physical comedy. Like someone gets pied in the face and she gets that its funny, but try sarcasm or pop-culture reference or anything else and she just sits there and looks at you like a stunned mullet until you explain it I think its because she's Dutch maybe but I really don't know for sure lol.



Kit & Effjay - I think the 'hey I think you have a virus' thing might be a goer, I didn't think of that! And then if I keep getting them I'll just have to get rid of the email address, or set up a permanent bounce back saying my inbox is full or something - I have some tech savvy friends who tell me this is possible I was talking to SIL and she said I should purposely send an email to the person that the email's about but I dunno I think thats a bit harsh!

I've told her the BFing thing bothers me and she still keeps at it I've been swatting away the advice with the suggested 'I'll keep it in mind' type responses - its nothing I haven't read/heard before anyway and the good stuff I do take note of - but if I get another lecture about lactation I'm going to snap.

I have hypoplasia as well as an inverted nipple (sorry if thats TMI!) and according to the symptoms described in the family records it sounds like hypoplasia has been the culprit all along (lots of doctors in the family so record keeping has been good though sometimes the treatments...disturbing lol). I highly doubt everybody was completely dry, and I suspect that particularly by the 4th or 5th child there should have been some women who could have BF'd as often the hormones produced by pregnancy will stimulate tissue to develop/mature, but if the support for these things isn't there now, what are the chances that it was around in those times? I had a midwife/LC take a look at me the other week at my pre-admission interview and she said she's seen many cases of it, and mine looks fairly textbook, so I had my GP send me for a scan and I do appear to have underdeveloped tissue. It was picked up a few years ago when I had some bad breast pain, but I had hoped that since I was only 18 then that something would have changed and that it would have been enough time for it to mature. So I'm going to see how we go, but I'm not going to be surprised or overly disappointed if it doesn't happen, I can't help nature, but its going to be infinitely harder if she doesn't drop it because everybody has their limit you know?

She sent me a text AGAIN this morning signing off as 'Mum' and I just sent one back addressing her by her name, so hopefully if I keep doing that she'll get the point.

[*Efjay*]

Thank you for that. Given you do have a real reason to have your reservations about breastfeeding I think you should really get your DH if you are not comfortable doing so to tell her to drop it.
I can understand that if you have the desire to breastfeed but need to have that mind set to not get your hopes up because of a medical reason that could effect your ability to exclusively breastfeed, that it would be hurtful to have her "egging" you on about it. She is just trying to be encouraging I guess but yeah, I think this time she needs someone to say "Hey, just leave it. If its meant to be it will be"

[*Efjay*]

Im not a hugger either. I hate when the inlaws go in for a hug.

[Mad Scientist]

I would just let her go. It's in good spirit.

Emails - I would just set up my filter to automatically delete them.
Baby advice - be thankful. Her lactation advice might not be relevant, so get that advice from a professional. But otherwise, talk your choices through with her now. Start the conversation. Tell her you're lucky to have her, and prepare her for the kind of help she'll be giving you, whether that's cooking, washing nappies, watching babies while you shower, whatever. Talk her through your parenting choices - are you planning to co-sleep/babywear/BLS/use dummies/whatever. You cannot have too much help, so just make sure it's the right kind.

Name - what will her grandmother name be? Start calling her that. She'll love it.

Couldn't have said it better. Perfect solution!