What do you do when your child says "No"?

[meow]

My son has autism and hasn't been very vocal most of his life, but lately as he's healing he talks more... and he's started to say "No" when he doesn't want something. Previously we didn't really know what was going on most of the time... he didn't want to go in the car, he didn't want to play with the green train but rather the blue train, he didn't want you to leave the room, everything just resulted in major crying, thrashing meltdowns and we just had to continue on the best we could because we never really knew what the problem was anyway.

But now he says "No" I'm not really sure what to do. Today he said "No. You want no car" when we tried to put him in the car to go out. I try and slow down, talk to him, reassure him, listen, acknowledge his feelings... but then I still have to get him in the car because we still have to go where we're going. I feel like I'm being disrespectful and forcing him to do things against his will. Sometimes, like when I have to give him his cod liver oil it feels like an assault because he's saying "No" and I feel SO awful going ahead and doing it (even after trying to give him some time).

What do you do? Do you just "be the parent" and ignore the No's sometimes?

[Starfish]

DD has started saying NO at lot recently. I just tell her that sometimes we all have to do things that we might not want to do and explain why she had to do what she'd asked, e.g. we have to go in the car because the shops are too far to walk, or something similar. It must be even more difficult with a special needs child.

[Phteven]

I know that lots of parent's have success with planning charts. If you know What the day will bring you can put it on a chart with pictures So if knows long before the car that after breakfast, play and sleep it is car.

[meow]

Is that what you do? Or do your children never say No to things?

[Kazzo]

Like starfish, I try and explain why. I point out the benefits of doing what I ask. I have on occasion said, 'if you do then you will get' but I try really hard not to use bribes to much, mostly when I am in a hurry, really tired or not feeling good and I just want a quick result. And then like starfish I say 'we all do things we don't like sometimes and I am your mummy and I am doing this for your good.

[briggsy's girl]

We don't often get NO in response to things like going out in the car so I guess it comes down to the scenario. If its a pressing "need" situation, like going out, we ask why, then explain why she still needs to do it. Like going shopping. If we don't go shopping there will be no food for dinner. She is pretty cruisy like that

With clean up its different. If she wants something, drink or food, she must return her plate it cup to the bench. It's been something we've said forever. She knows if she doesn't there us no more of whatever she asks. She will often say no, mummy/ daddy do it. We respond with something along the lines if mummy/daddy bring their stuff you need to bring yours over. With toys she is given lots of opportunity to clean up. If its not done by the time the vac comes out it goes in the charity box. We will help but not do it all

Every child is different though. You need to work out what works for your child. If reasoning works it is fantastic, but if it doesnt you have to find something that does. I believe onyx making reference to planning charts may relate to what many of us has heard is successful for kids on the spectrum. I've seen it work, I've heard numerous success stories. But it's not something I've had to implement myself.

[LuluHB]

My DD2 has what is still an undiagnosed condition, but has many traits of autism among her other issues. We get the complete meltdowns for unexplainable reasons too and going in the car when she doesn't want to (for some reason I don't understand that she can't convey) has been a big issue for us too.

There are times when I've been able to put off the trip, but there are times when we simply can't and just have to get on with it. Like you, I feel absolutely terrible physically forcing my little girl into her car seat but sadly there's more than just her in this family and as much as it breaks my heart, she can't always dictate what we all do. Also, if we're 40kms from home there's not much choice but to get in the car!

As the others have said, I always try to explain to her what is going on and why, but there are days when she is not calm or rational enough to understand the explanation. Routine helps, but you can't always do things by routine. The most effective way we've found is to give her tons of warning of what is going on. So, sweetie in an hour we need to go to X. Then its "don't forget we need to go to X in about 30 minutes". Then 10 minute, 5 minute, 2 minute and 1 minute warnings. It doesn't always do the trick, but a lot of the time it is reinforced in her head for long enough that she's quite accepting of it. Same thing used to go for the medication she needs to take each morning - it used to be an enormous fight but we did the countdown thing and now she will actually come and tell me if I've forgotten to give it to her.

[Jellyfish]

My DD1 has speech issues so she only just worked out no and I think part of it is the novelty of seeing how much control/independence they have. When DD1 says no than I do as others have suggested and explain why we need to do something eg. if she is resisting a nappy change than I will explain if we leave the nappy on too long then her bottom will get red and sore, we also try to give options like she can have no nappy if she wants to try using the toilet. If she doesn't want to get dressed than we emphasise her picking the clothes, doesn't want to get in the car even after explaining where we are going and why then I ask her to choose the music or if we are going to the shops then I ask her what fruit she would like this week etc so she is still getting some sense of decision making within the process. This has worked for us.

[Phteven]

Lol, I'm raising children not robots so of course they say no but TBH it doesn't distress me. We all need to do stuff that we don't want to do sometimes - I don't enjoy getting out of bed at 6am every Sunday all winter or sitting around swimming pools or attending assembly but I do it anyway and my children just need to learn that they too are expected to do stuff when they would rather not.

[Beach Mama]

Mmmm my kids aren't autistic but I find that giving them an option where the answer can't be NO can help at times. Doesn't always work but it might be a response like "Well we HAVE to go in the car - so do you want me to help you or can you climb up yourself"

So then the outcome will be that we have to get in the car, but they have some say over how it happens? Does that make sense. Other examples are if they don't want to get ready for bed - do you want me to brush your teeth or do it yourself and I repeat it if they say no again, until I distract them enough to make a choice. That way they gain some control over the situation but the outcome is the one I need at the time. There are some times when you are going to have to make him do stuff, and that means that all you can do is pre-plan as Onyx mentioned as in my experience a lot of the stresses for ASD kids is a change in routine, the unknown etc , explain to the best of his ability to understand WHy something is happening but even then there might be times when he doesn't understand why he can't stay home alone etc. I don't think it's disrespectful, particularly as you are trying hard to make him understand and put things in place to assist him but the reality is for all kids ( and adults) is that sometimes we have to do things we would rather not do. xoxo

[meow]

Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned he has autism as it's not relevant to this thread- I was just trying to give background as to why this is a new problem for us. I'm not really sure what age it normally becomes something you deal with.

I find that giving them an option where the answer can't be NO can help at times. Doesn't always work but it might be a response like "Well we HAVE to go in the car - so do you want me to help you or can you climb up yourself"

This is what I do, so that he had the choice but if he needs me to do it for him then that's the choice he made.

I just wanted to hear what people do from a gentle parenting perspective because it crosses the line of treating a person with autonomous respect sometimes, but at the same time I think being too submissive or wishy-washy as a parent isn't helpful for children either.

[HotI]

This is what i struggle with- if i am going to make the child do x anyway, it feels wrong to be 'humouring' them that they have a say over everything. My DD says 'no' lots, and i still working out the best way.

[Beach Mama]

Do you not think that the autism is part of it though?? Genuine question, I deal with a lot of kids while teaching who are on the spectrum and even with the training I have had I still learn more all the time. My understanding is that child who are on the spectrum to fixate at times on things as you mentioned and this might be an extension of that?? Might be way off, sorry just trying to understand - I realise that all kids say no at times but the way we deal with them, and they way they respond all varies on each childs needs. (Speaking as a parent and a teacher).

ETA: Hot1 - I don't feel that I am humouring them to have a say, but I am firmly saying that something needs to be done and there are 2 ways about it - they can either choose which way they want to do it or I can but either way XYZ situation is about to occur!

[Traveller]

My daughter is the worst of my children for saying no, but TBH we don't have an issue with things like them refusing to go into the car, etc. If it is something like dinner that one of them are refusing, then I give them a choice in the situation. For example I might say "you can eat dinner with us then watch TV, or you can go into your room and miss dinner but there will be no TV tonight". That way they are choosing for themselves, and they usually pick the thing that they were previously saying no to. A refusal to go to bed might result in "you can go to bed now and have a story, or you can refuse and I will put you in your bed without a story". So no real choice other than the choice to cooperate or not but 9 times out of 10 it works.

In other aspects of their lives I give them a lot more choice and I find that this has stopped a lot of the "no" reactions, especially from my daughter. So to daycare she often wears a fairy dress and gum boots. Or she might decorate her skin with her new pens instead of drawing on paper. I don't worry about things like that and give her a lot of freedom in that respect, so that when I say she has to do something she is more likely to comply because she knows I am not just making rules for the sake of it, if that makes any sense.

[Sagres]

I do different things at different times depending on what she is saying no to, ranging from saying 'that's OK you don't have to' (if it is something that isn't all that important, I think it is important for them to have the ability to say no to some things and that be OK) to giving options, to just outright saying no and explaining that there are some things that we don't like but we have to do anyway etc.. But the car thing and the fish oil thing sound like situations where none of those would work......perhaps you could do a bit of a reward system, like getting stickers for getting into the car and having the fish oil without too many issues, then when you have 5 or 10 stickers getting some kind of bigger reward - outing or special meal?

Another thing you could try is perhaps putting it more in the context of expected ways of doing things that the whole family adhere to, so making it about how everyone one goes about things and not just him. We all go shopping together and get in the car together, that's how our family works, that's how we roll.

Sometimes the explaining about why we just HAVE to do something takes awhile to 'click' for them. DD1 likes to make lots of noise and purposefully wake DD2 up (ummm yeah good one). I can say 'no don't do that' but her 2.5 year old ears don't always catch that I tried explaining that if you are quiet and DD2 is asleep then we can do something together like painting etc. but she still kept waking her up on purpose, but a few weeks (or months!) of reminders about why we don't wake DD2 up and it actually plays to her advantage and we are making progress. So sometimes the explaining is a bit of a chip chip chipping away at them until they 'get' it.

Working out how and when to use what method (and what points you want to negotiate on and what points you don't) can be tricky territory and takes awhile to get your head around. I can see that if you have suddenly been thrust into that position it would be harder to work out than when the situation evolves and you slowly get more and more no's and you slowly develop your 'style' for dealing with them.

[loulabelle]

you know, I do think the fact that he has autisim is relevant because it changes the way both of you cope with things and you often need to be much more thought out in your approach. I know with me (Ds has spd, anxiety and mild developmental delay, symptoms of high functioning autisim) I have a heap of guilt, possibly unwarranted, but still there. I'm so aware of how much harder life is for him that it often breaks my heart when I have to do something that distresses him. I don't know if you feel the same way about it or not, that's just my thoughts.

anyways.... what I tend to do is prepare him as much as possible for the days activities. he tends to respond to me listing things. that, and lots of cuddles and kisses and I always acknowledge what he's feeling. I think its important to let them know you hear them, but also explain why it has to happen.I'm not much help sorry!

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[RockingBaker]

My DS has ASD and loves saying no. The other big one in our house is "not fair". I give DS options within my guidelines like what clothes he's wearing and that can help to get him to go along. Sadly more often than not I am putting him in the car against his will to go to speech/ OT/ daycare because he wants to do something else.

[onthefly]

I get what you mean.
I remember taking DS to theh docs ones. Awful fever, miserable and the doc needed to check him over. He HATED having his throat looked at. No. No. No. I said no, I don't want that!!!!! I felt awful - to be forcing him to submit himself to something he clearly did not want. I held him so the doctor could examine him properly - it turned out he had tonsilitis. I know it was the right thing to do - he needed that diagnosis so he could get better - but I felt very conflicted about denying his right to autonomy over himself.

I do prepare DS for what's going to happen and come next. that helps. I offer choices (where appropriate). Some things are not-negotiable, but otherwise I try to be flexible. if he really wants to stay home and we don't *have* to go out, then we stay home I try to respect him and his desires - I hope in time he'll learn to respect others in the same way. I explain that sometimes we have to do things we don't want (I know I do!) and I talk about why we need to do certain things, or why I want to do certain things. And we also talk about things that he'd like to do.

I think there's a period of time early on where we do have to make a lot of decisions for our kids - to care for them, to protect them and keep them safe. The transition to full independence and autonomy is a gradual one. It's tricky finding the right balance. I hope it will work out in time