So I am part of a step family - I know that this can be a very emotive topic for many, me included. I was just wondering what experiences others had as their extended family grew and how the relationships changed as your family got older.
Do you still see your step siblings? Do they consider you as immediate family? How do you explain this to your kids?
This is a little strange for me, my parents seperated when i was 26 (i think) and my dad has been in a relationship with the same woman since. It took me a little while to accept and to want to meet her but that happened eventually. She also has children (grown 20's and late teens), i have met them and see them occasionally. It wasn't until some time later that i thought about it and was wondering if they are my step sister/brother? Nothing is official and i pretty much think of them as my dad's partners children, i never ever imagined myself having step siblings.
My dad's partner is lovely and i really like her. She's kind, she treats my dad well and he her, it's so nice to see my dad relaxed and happy. My dad's partner adores my children, buys them little gifts and truely cares about them. Her daughter is the same, we don't have a huge amount to do with eachother but when we do we chat and get along. She too loves to spend time with my kids. The son is a bit engrosed in his teenage years at the moment so i dont' have a huge amount to do with him
As i already said i never imagined myself to be here, i enjoy having these people in my life and who knows if things will ever change and they will be more so step mother and sister/brothers' to me?
Both my parents are remarried. Whilst I adore my stepdad, I loathe his kids. They've treated him & my Mum abominably. Not a fan of my dad's wife's kids either. We have nothing in common and I find one of them a nasty cow. I avoid attending any joint family events.
Hmm see I think this is where I am headed L&B and am a little unsure how to handle it. My dad and step mother have been together since I was 12 so pretty much most of my life. I have always had a rocky relationship with her and it has only been in the last 10 years or so that I can actually see that that is not my 'fault' for want of a better term. Obviously everyone has their side of any story but I really am the scapegoat of the family ITMS.
I find this really interesting. My Dad remarried when I was 18. They'd been together a couple of years. She has always been up/down and blames everyone else for their issues. Then they seperated right before Christmas. She is the ONLY Nanna my daughter knows (she knows MIL as Grandma). My biological mother is deceased.
I never wanted step mother to be called Nanna because she isn't my mother. But I gave in. Now they've seperated she seems to think she has a RIGHT to be involved in my daughters life. Note, she doesn't want to be involved in my or DHs lives - just DD's. I find it all a little difficult to swallow and am torn because DD loves her. But to be honest, if I didn't have DD, I'd not have anything to do with her now they've split. I dislike how she is continuing to treat my Dad (who is no saint) but not really sure how to tackle it all now.
Sorry to hijack. Step family dynamics can be so difficult. I have no idea how to deal with.
I suppose in my case, I don't care if I'm seen as the bad one. I know my limits. I've spent time with them before and whilst painful, I did it for my Dad. Since the boys died, I don't have it in me to pretend to play happy families, especially when the 'grandkids' are hers, not mine. So I don't do joint things. If Dad wants a relationship with me, then it's only with my side of the family.
Neither of her kids so much as sent a card when either of the boys died. They are not my family. Life's too short to waste it with people you don't like. I won't do it and I don't apologise for it. I'm not deliberately hurtful about it. It's not like I say, I don't like her kids, so I'm not coming. I just say I'm not up for it, if you want to catch up, we'll do it with people I feel safe with. If they ever tried to hijack me by having people there without telling me in advanced, I'd leave if I couldn't cope. We try to do things at ours to avoid that.
It's not easy or pleasant, especially when people want to cast you as the bad guy. Remember, dysfunctional families need someone to be the scapegoat to keep functioning as they do. If it's not you, it will be someone else.
People learn to adjust to others' boundaries. They resist for a while, but they adjust. It's just basic behavioural training.
My Mum's partner is awesome. I think she was in her early 50s when they met, he was in his late 60s. So his kids are much older than us (one of them just turned 50). We've met them once or twice but have nothing to do with them (not for a bad reason). My Dad died when I was 19, so Mum's DP is Grandpa. I asked him if it was ok (the kids wont have another Grandpa on my side), and he was honoured. In saying that, if they split up (they wont, they're awesome together), I think he'd drift away and probably wouldn't have much to do with him, not because we don't love him, just because it's not a blood connection.
My Mum's ex-DH (married around the time Dad died - they'd been split since I was a kid) had two kids closer to our age, one I was quite good friends with (went to the same school), but they weren't our brother and sister. I only have two brothers and we have the same parents.
Weird isn't it. Guess it would be different if they'd been together since we were little or if we'd lived together.
Don't apologise MG - it is tricky especially when there are undesirable behaviours that are present. I know I am thinking I will be depriving my girls of grandparents and feeling sad that they will miss out balanced with the need to make sure that the girls are safe and happy and not being convinced that the behaviours that are directed at me will not be directed at them ITMS. As it stands we only catch up with them for social outings, so coffee every fortnight for an hour or so. This is fine but DD is asking why Nanny picks up other grandkids from school and not her and why she doesn't get to go there to be looked after.
My step siblings are very demanding of their mums resources, time and money wise and dictate all terms of social engagements/presents etc. They really do not both to even behave with common courtesy ie don't RSVP to invitations or even respond at all and there are no consequences. Which is fine if that is how things are for all but this is not the case. I have taken to not talking about any of it as I am seen as being difficult or arguing ITMS.
I am struggling ATM as I have steps wedding to attend to which my kids have not been invited but others in the extended family have been. I really do not want to go but feel pressure to go and stand there accepting this bad behaviour. My Dad won't say anything and has even made the delightful statement that he will choose her over his kids. Mute point really as that has been very clear for a long time lol. Jumbled thoughts - I apologise but am struggling a bit with it.
I don't know if I can help but I have a step-brother and step-sister on my dad's side and they are 1 and 2 years younger than me. I actually went to high school with them so have known them a long time and my dad and step-mum married when i was 18. My step-sister has 2 girls similar in age to mine. They all love each other and see each other as cousins. My step-brother is the problem child We get along ok but don't go out of our way to speak to each other except at family events (actually neither does his sister).
On my mums side I have a step-sister and 2 step-brothers, the same age and a bit younger than me. I went to primary school with them so have also known them for a long time even though my mum and step-father have been married for 10 years. Once again I get along with them all and they have kids similar ages who also treat each other as cousins. I get along best with the middle step-brother, the youngest lives a long way away and he is the black sheep. He and his wife don't visit and we don't really speak to them.
While none of it is nasty I would probably never speak to the ones that i don't get along with again if the step-parent and mine split or one passed away. The others I probably would keep in touch with as we do get along. I find that I just keep things at a pleasant level and don't rock the boat. It's just easier that way.
I was thinking of starting a thread about those who are step-children just the other day, weird timing!
My mum remarried when I was 13 and my step-dad kind of resented my siblings and I so we never really had a close relationship. He is awesome with kids though and he makes a fantastic Pop to my kids - they love him more than any of their grandparents! It warms my heart to see his affection for my kids, I would have loved to have been shown a little of that side of him when I was growing up with him.
As for step-siblings, I don't really have anything to do with my step brothers (there are three of them) now that we have all grown up. My step-sister is my age and we get a long well, but she lives 4 hours away so we don't see each other very often. It's hard trying to describe the step-family's relationships with the kids though!
I have such a strange family for my kids to grow up in lol! My Dad only wants my kids (and I) to call him by his first name, so I'm not sure if they have worked out that he is their Grandfather. Sorry kids!
Thanks Wannabe and EJ - great that you have such a positive experience too, fab for you all. Hilariously I remember being really excited when SM hit the scene as I had no guilt to anyone else as my mum had passed away several years prior. I do wonder how much of the organising the woman does of catching up etc just generally??? Cos I am sure my Dad wouldn't bother unless we did.
L&B - You are right and I appreciate you sharing your experience. I guess I have been hanging in there hoping it would change and semi accepting it. The main thing for me is wanting a relationship with my Dad, but he is clear that is not something he needs or wants. My main focus is the girls and making sure that they are not exposed to the same experience of two sets of rules and then left wondering what they could have done differently/better etc. I certainly try to live by the life is too short rule too. Except for this.
I do have my mum on the other hand who has had a couple of relationships since seperating from my dad. I stuggle with the way she goes about it, i have no problem with her being with anyone else but she's just not very smart about it.
So again exactly as i did for my dad for some time i refused to meet him (which she hated) and then when i fianlly did it was ok. Mum ended up moving to live with him and was hours away, luckily my DS1 was quite young then and DS2 was just a baby. She ended up back here and in my home when DD was born and started searching around for another man in her life. It became difficult when i had to make rules about bringing random men to my house who might happen to run into my kids. This didn't go down welll and then when there was someone who stuck around for a bit i let my kids get to know him and now he's gone. The last thing i want is for them to have memories of their grandmother with different men all the time.
So a little off track but not, it's tricky especially when young ones are involved.
Both my parents remarried when I was 13, and they've been married to my step parents longer than they were to each other. I have three stepsisters and two step brothers (plus my own brother). I haven't seen my stepsisters since they all disowned their father as teens. I'm very close to one of my stepbrothers while the other is busy doing his own thing - we've always gotten along though.
The stepbrother I'm close to, well he dotes on DD, she adores him too. We hang out, do stuff together - the "step" doesn't really come into it. He's my brother, simple. I get along well with both step parents even though we all drive each other crazy at times. I guess we all just respect that this is how our family is and we all get along (mum and dad and step parents all get along too).
How's this for awkward? When I was 16 I dated X for a couple of months. When I was 28 my Dad married X's mother so my ex-BF is now my step-brother.
I don't see much of my steps - they live on the other side of the world and we were adults when our parents married so we have never had a close relationship (as adults). They're decent people and I think if I saw more of them we might be better friends.
LOL Onyx!!! I love your comment that they are decent people - I think that is a great compliment and agree you do need to have some shared time/experiences to be friends. I guess from my ss's point of view my sisters and I were taking their mum's attention and love possibly so that has fueled the fire to some degree, however we are now all adults with kids of our own it is just silly.
Trish - that must be hard, you are so right about it being the same, as you are stating what is acceptable and appropriate in front of your kids.
Pac - that relationship sounds great for your DD, awesome!
Not so much for me, but Mum's parents seperated when she was 3. Her Dad went off and had a new family, and saw very little of my Mum and Uncle, but Nan remarried when Mum was 11 (I think). She loves her Step-Dad and considers him to be her Dad (often when speaking to people she will call him Dad rather than Step-Dad). Pop (Mum's Step-Dad) had a Son from a previous marriage and Mum considers him to be her Brother and I've never heard her refer to him as her Step-Brother. We have family gatherings all the time (christmas, easter, birthdays, etc) so we're all quite close as a family.
My parents separated when I was around 25, Mum became partnered within a couple of months of leaving Dada (whole nother set of issues there) she has now married this man. He has 1 son from his first marriage (Mum is his 3rd) I have only met him once which was at there wedding. Don't have anything agains him as I don't know him. I don't consider him a step brother, just as I don't see Mum's husband as a step father. I think if my parents separated when I was still a child and the new partners played a part in my unbringing I might feel differently.
Dad on the otherhand, well lets just say he is having a lot of trouble letting go of it all, lots of bitterness in him. Bit sad really but he won't help himself.
Oh must say Mum's husband is quite good with my boys, he isn't called Grandpa they call him by his first name but he tries hard with them which is all I can ask.
I have experiences all over the shop for this one!!!
My mum and Dad split when I was 18.. she remarried a man who has three kids.. because of how my parents split and how my mum and her new husband got together... out of the 7 kids, only three of us are close to both of them. And yes I do consider two of his kids as my step sisters, but as we were all grown up, we didnt so much have a sibling relationship, and as all the others dont get along we dont really do the whole family gathering thing. And we live hours away from eachother.. but I am not against seeing them.. and my kids know Mum new husband as Pa.. what is hard is that my sister doesnt have anything to do with them as a couple.. and her kids have never met Pa.. so as our kids all grow up- it will be hard for her to explain to her kids why they dont get to go to Nannas house and why my kids know Pa but they dont!!!
Then on DH's side... his parents split up when he was about 2 or 3.. his dad remarried a lady who had two kids, and then they had another two kids together.. and DH is the odd one out and isnt really part of that family. We see them occassionally, but not very often, no bad blood, we just arnt "in" with it all. What I find sad though is that DH's Dad is a fantastic Poppy to his new wifes kids kids. (STill with me???) but he doesnt make even a tiny bit of effort with our kids. We get birthday and xmas presents, but they have never met DD and they only met DS because we travelled 15 hours to see them. So I find that abit sad.
The I am a step mum to DH's kids who HE doesnt see very often (history repeating itself a bit) coz he slpit up with their mum when the youngest wasnt even born yet. They have a step dad they have known their whole life who is fabulous and to be honest DH is a pretty crap Dad and doesnt make alot of effort with them. I find that I try, but then I feel bad that they hear more from me than from their dad, they are in their late teens now, and i hope that things can change with them a bit so that DH makes more effort, but they will never be as close as they should be, and they havent met my kids either, so they dont have a step-sibling relationship with them. We have told DS who they are and he has seen pictures, but he doesnt really get it yet, but as he grows older we will keep telling him and DD.
Interested in grown up step family dynamics.....
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