Sometimes I step outside myself and think I've turned into that cranky old lady. You know the one that screams at kids to get off the lawn.
I've had a pretty rough couple of years. And things are good now, but that doesn't stop the pain that certain events caused. KWIM?
I find since those said events I've become pretty closed off, pretty jaded, pretty suspicious and pretty recluse. I often wonder if people talk about me in the view of "old me vs new me" yanno like they do in the movies with that crazy old bitter woman that everyone says "She wasn't always like this you know..." To the story's newcomer.
The thing is I don't know how to fix it, or of I should. I don't want to be seen differently than 2 years ago. Deep down I know I'm the same person or my friends wouldn't still be there for me. It's like I've become impatient not only with people but life also.
WWYD? How can I know if I've changed? And what if it's just experience. And what if everyone goes through this and I'm over analysing?
You are never the same person day to day, week to week, year to year. Every day those little things happen which make you just that little bit different. Often times bigger things happen, or sometimes huge tumultuous things change your life in an instant.
But I think you need to embrace the person you are now this day, and work on looking to the future to being the person you want to be. Make choices which will take you there, to be how and who you want.
It's tough when you sometimes realise you've changed in a big way, and don't know what to do with the realisation. I had that moment a while ago, and I am still working on being who and what I want to be. Life is a work in progress, and it is always changing and challenging us.
I hope that makes sense to you, and isn't just a lot of waffle!
i only "know" you from seeing you here on BB and i know the last couple of years have been pretty terrible for you I've only noticed your online persona to be kind and giving but also *firm* but fair when things seem to be going awry.
I do think that life circumstances and events can shape us to an extent and sometimes, yep people may think well, gee she has changed? but you know what? unless people have walked in your shoes or lived your life, their judgement (real or imagined) doesn't really matter....I'm of the belief of that cliched quote "that those who mind, don't matter, and those that matter, don't mind".
Rouge, I can honestly say I think I've had some of the cranky old lady effect in my life over the last couple of years too. It's like the experiences that I have gone through have eroded some layers somewhere, layers of hope or optimism or something essential that you just have when you're younger. It's left me more permeable to all the stark horrible things out there. And yes, I'm more cynical, less tolerant (at least on the inside).
I have no idea whether my friends think I've changed - and tbh I don't even think it matters. They either love you unconditionally or they don't, and it says more about them than about you or me.
But... here's the thing. As time goes on I'm gradually orienting myself to my new reality. In tiny little increments, some of my energy is returning. I don't think it's possible to go through what I know you've been through (and of course your experience has been so much bigger than what I know of it) and bounce back immediately. But it will come. I have found creative expression to be enormously healing, so if you feel you want to "fix it", start with some radical self-care - carve out the space you need to explore or retell your story in whatever creative medium that appeals to you. Allow your friends to see the truth of your experience. It is what it is. Letting it be in tiny increments is what frees our energy up to embrace the parts of life that matter most to us after everything else has been stripped away.
Whenever I start to feel disconnected from who I am becoming and unsure if this is who I want to be, I refocus on each individual choice instead of the big picture to get back on track. All it takes is one moment at a time, don't think too far ahead and get bogged down by the overwhelming concept of who you are. Take each decision as it comes and try to do what makes you happy and proud and being you will fall into place around that.
I do find the older I get and the more I go through, the more and less judgmental I become; it is an odd combination where I am disillusioned by so many people and things but I also can't bring myself to waste time on it unless I am constructively working towards change because I am starting to truly value my time.
Also know that from the keyhole I'm looking through, you are a good person and you don't seem any of the things you seem to see in yourself. It is okay to need to take a step back to process things, you've been through a lot.
You guys rock. And to think I was worried about sharing :/ but I think that's it you know. I'm so scared of sharing my thoughts and feelings be it online or IRL. Anyone who knows me via FB can see the difference. I've gone from sharing and engaging to superficial food porn shares and the occasional pic of my kids for family.
I know I've hidden a lot of how I feel/felt about some things because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm taking ownership of the situation because I know I wasn't the only one touched by it. Weird I know. But in doing that I wonder if I've shut some other door in my head. I also think with regards to online sharing I've gone from being safe and free to feeling protective and cautious. And this could be due to experiences or maybe it's just the progression of how it feels now online to what it used to feel like. I don't know.
I miss feeling open and free. But I know that did lead to feeling overwhelmed with expectations. And the constant of people around me telling me I'm too nice and allow people to hurt me has probably cause some damage too (and that was only said well meaningly).
I think I need to find something for me, embrace the changes and try and work at finding the happy medium between the two. Maybe I'll feel more comfortable then. Right now I feel in limbo a lot of the time.
Thanks jellyfish. I know exactly what you mean about disillusioned. I also feel like I don't have the time to give to some situations.
Rogue I could almost have written the same thing right down to wondering what other people have to say and the way I am on fb these days. You can't change who you are but those who know you best are always going to stick by you. Hopefully you can find a happy medium that let's you express yourself more without being so open to being hurt again.
I find that becoming less tolerant to rubbish is part of the ageing process for most people. On the other hand, life can open your heart so you have more empathy for certain situations. I can get cranky at what i think are stupid bloody decisions that people make in their lives. Seriously, if people just took my advice, they'd make fewer mistakes. I've been there, done that ya know
However, I have a greater compassion for pain. Serious, life changing, I'm never going to be the same again, pain. Not that i was lacking in understanding 3-4 years ago, and i'd rather have not lived through what I have and be a shallower person. But that was up to me. How I live my life now is. So while I have less tolerance for people's whinging about what seems trivia to me, I have a deeper tolerance for people who are coping with heartache and trauma. I dont have a problem with that.
I've changed. There are cracks and crevices in my ability to cope with life that weren't there before. That affects how I interact with people. It has affected family relationships and friendships. People still probably wonder when I'm going to "get over it". They don't understand that grief and the fallout from that stays with you. You dont get over it. You learn to manage it. However that works for you.
If that means that you need to protect yourself, then do so. You dont owe anyone an explanation. The people who love you, love you as you are. If they can't handle the changes, then that's their loss. They may not have the capacity today. Maybe they will in the future, if something terrible happens to them. Maybe not. That's not your problem. You are still allowed to feel all the emotions you feel without hanging back because someone else can't cope with you not being "strong" for them.
It's frustrating. I think, in my case, it took a couple of instances for people to actually see me howling my heart out for them to realise their expectations of me were unrealistic. Which sucks, because who wants to be looked at as a performing monkey, wearing their grief for any voyeuristic drama queen to get their rocks off to? What is private can stay private. If you need to express it, you're allowed to do so. I just choose safe people to express it to. Anyone who feeds off pain and drama can go get stuffed. My grief is not about them.
I'm rambling, but I guess I'm saying, people have limitations to what they can understand and support. The ones who can offer unconditional support I keep close. Everyone else is allowed different access, ITMS.
I dont know what you are referring to, but I think you should feel free to grieve the loss of some hope and optimism, and give yourself space to do it in anyway you need. That sense of disconnect from yourself is a common thread in grief, and I think you could explore it further to see how your current self is just as valid and worthy of love as your former self.
The transformations we all undergo throughout our lives shouldn't be seen as a straight trajectory or progression, but of a intermingling, meandering path through good and bad and everything in between.
I hope that wasn't too vague. Grief is on my mind a lot at the moment.
I feel completely disillusioned about some things and stuck. Like, how am I going to be a happier person? Most of the time I am happy enough, but just some things…
I'm seeing a counsellor. I don't want to be negative around my friends or constantly whingeing. It means I can offload and get some feedback with perspective.
It's a busy period in our lives, practically and emotionally. So much is happening, I think sometimes we run on auto-pilot when there's a crisis until after a while when there's some space to process what has happened and you crash.
Definitely agree with a lot of what has been said.
Aging in general does change us, along with significant events, both good and bad. The filters that we see life through change. I know for me, I already saw life through different filters than the majority and life events have added and removed other filters to make me even more different.
Totally get the FB thing. I am very reserved. It takes emotional energy I just don't have to put more out there and deal with the feedback. Not sure if you have read the Spoon theory, it is often used in relation to long term illness, but I apply it to myself and emotional energy. It might be something that resonates with you and how you are feeling right now.
ETA: typing whilst Jennifer13 posted. I completely resonate with that post
Last edited by Astrid; April 30th, 2013 at 07:39 PM.
I use the Spoon theory as a metaphor for dealing with grief and depression too. It's not like life doesnt keep happening as well. So you deal with a major event that knocks you to the ground and then have to deal with day to day life, good and bad. It takes precious energy. I dont always get to choose when I have enough energy to deal with what I have to. I've learnt to stop criticising myself for that.
I think we all get to that point where we realise life is unfairly far too short to be superficial. I've got a zero tolerance for bull**** these days and I think part of that is just because I'm getting older. But I think that what you may have experienced as part of growing older has been compounded by what's happened these past few years. You're still finding your 'new normal' hun Like you say though, on the inside you are still the same person we know and love, you can't change what makes you intrinsically YOU. I don't think anyone is going to say you've changed, certainly not in a bad way.
it's hard to continually give of yourself all of the time. Even without having met you i have no doubt that you are a wonderful woman/mother/friend and all the other hats you wear
From my own personal experience there always come a time where self preservation kicks in and you (generic) realise that you can't be everything to everyone. eventually, that auto pilot you've been running on switches off and all those emotions that have been simmering under the surface, boil over and you "crash", so to speak. you realise that you've lost sight of who *you* are and what you need because you've been so engrossed being there for everyone else
Hey there rogue
well where do it start?
if can give you some perspective if that helps
I went through some pretty life changing events 12 years and 10 years ago including our best friends child and nephew being killed in a tragic accident, and nearly losing our twins at their birth.
These events changed me as a person and how i parent totally!!
I spent the few few years just remembering to breath and survive, but also paranoid. Scared that everytime a loved one went out, that they wouldnt come home. I was so anxious and wouldnt leave my babies with anyone for fear something would happen to the whilst i wasnt there. It took me until they were 3 years old before i left them with anyone for even a couple of hours. This was a detriment to me as then I didnt get any me time and lost track of who I was as a woman and a wife. Took me along time to let go of my fears and come to terms with the fact that I cannot control so many things in life and I can either fear life, or embrace and learns what it throws at me.
10 years later I took away these things from these tregedy's
-that life is precious and never take for granted that people will always be there
-that loving someone doesnt dimish when they are physically not here anymore - its ok to still celebrate their birthdays, other milestones and to include them in your family events- if that is what you want to do
-whenever i am told that my son cant do this or has this deficit, I dont fall apart but instead still rejoyce in that fact that he survived and is here to prove them wrong !! I dont sweat on what he cant do but make the most or modify my expectation on what he CAN do
-put in perspective what is important and what isnt- life changing events for me made me let go of the small stuff alot easier
- life does not contain a never ending supply of energy. You can either chose to use your energy being angry, plotting revenge etc, or use the energy to enjoy life. Easier to let go of hurtful things if you know its only a waste of energy to do so
- some people just are not capable of more- so dont expect it , be surprise if it occurs
- its ok to withdraw, its ok to sit all day on the couch- give yourself permission to do this if you want to- its your Choice - but remember that there has to be a balance
- stand by your choices and your beliefs-your gut instinct is always right so never doubt it and never live with regret
Hindsight is a wonderful thing- its early days still lovely. Be kind and know that you be change as a person, but how you change and what you change is up to you !!!
Strenght will come with time!!!
hugs
A life changing event... In a negative way.
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I've only noticed your online persona to be kind and giving but also *firm* but fair when things seem to be going awry.
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