My husband is leaving me for another woman. (LONG)

[goddessofdawn]

My husband met a woman through work in August. He started emailing her and confiding in her that he has been unhappy in our marriage for many, many years. (This year will make 17 years married and 18 years together. )
3.5 weeks ago I found out the marriage was over, when I approached him and asked why he was being so withdrawn, hostile and closed-off towards me for the past few weeks. It took hours but he finally admitted he hasn't felt anything for me in years. I suggested counselling but he wasn't keen.

I was devastated - easily the worst day of my life ever.
After days of crying and lots of thought, I realized that I also have not felt true love for him since after our daughter was born. Things changed. Our relationship wasn't 'romantic', even though our sex life was perfectly regular and normal. I think this is probably why I never thought much about my own happiness or whether I still loved him - because to me, sex is one of the main indicators of a good relationship.

2.5 weeks ago I found out about the woman. I only found out because I checked the mobile phone record and saw hundreds of texts and long phone calls to / from a particular number. I then confronted him, and eventually he admitted to it, only because I called the number and heard the voice of an Asian woman!
This has added insult to injury and made it a million times worse. Even though I don't feel jealous from a romantic perspective, it is the betrayal that has enraged me. I'm also feeling anger towards him for doing this to us - and for finding love again so quickly and easily!

He says he loves this woman. They have not yet slept together (so he tells me). But he had told her all our private business, and all these years I had NO idea he was unhappy!
You might find that hard to believe, but his personality is very even-keeled - e.g. when he's ecstatic with joy, when other people would whoop and jump around and cheer, he wouldn't bat an eyelid. Similarly, if feeling extremely upset, he would keep a poker face. He has admitted that he avoids conflict at all costs, so he kept quiet all this time.

We have a 5 year old daughter. He wants to continue seeing her every day. He has come up with a kind of crazy plan to keep sleeping at our place (on the couch) for 4 nights a week, and spending every weekend here too. He is trying to hide the separation from our daughter, because she is very sensitive and emotional by nature, and he has a very close relationship with her.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Tonight he will be telling the woman about his plan. He reckons he will not budge from his plan, and that she'll have to accept that their life will be complicated. Who knows how she will react.

He wants to keep providing for me and DD financially, as I resigned from my very stable job when DD was 1 year old. He wants me to keep the house so DD can have stability by remaining in the family home, and our car so I can take her to school. I have not asked for any of these things, nor did I expect them.

I'm not feeling so great at the moment, but I am functioning enough to continue taking DD to kindy 3 times a week, and taking care of her etc. I have said nothing to her about what's going to happen and have never bad-mouthed him in front of her.

I just don't know what to do now.

I have no parents or family. I'm not close to his family and neither is he - he hasn't told them yet.
I have only 1 close friend who moved overseas a few years ago, but we've been talking on Skype and she's been a huge help.
I just feel very alone and unhappy.
Thanks for reading.

[~TT40~]

Massive hugs. I have no advice or anything. Just lots of love. Xo

[Chocaholic]

I am so sorry you are going through this. No advice but plenty of cyber hugs

[nyigi]

Sorry to hear you're going through this and with so little local support. Hugs

[PumpkinZulu]

My only advice would be to tell him to shove his little plan up his arse.

Huge hugs to you, I feel the devastation in your post. Xx

[surprised]

Big, big hugs.

You need to get legal advice. NOW. Don't put it off. Maybe someone else on here will jump on and tell you where to get advice? You need to talk to someone who isn't emotionally involved and who knows the different options and their consequences. He might be all "I want to look after you" now, but if he changes his mind all of a sudden you could find yourself with nothing.

[~clover~]

It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. Not good enough. If he's serious about the separation then he actually needs to make that decision. Don't allow him to dictate to you & treat you that way. You deserve respect & there is nothing respectful about this.

He's feeling guilty. So he should. But why should you suffer from his guilt? You deserve to be physically free from him, since he seems so emotionally free from you.

Maybe call legal aid. I assume they're the best option. You really do need legal advice, for your own peace of mind.

I've been in your shoes. I've felt what you're feeling. It took me too long to get legal advice, but I'm glad i did! Don't let him hold you back any longer x

[goddessofdawn]

It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake & eat it too.

You've hit the nail on the head! It's like he wants to pretend the separation isn't really happening, so he doesn't get to be the bad guy.

Is it fair though to stop him seeing DD every day if this is what he wants? As long as he leaves every night once she's been put to bed, he can see her every day.

Thank you all for your support and advice. It helps more than you could ever know. I'm going to ring Legal Aid tomorrow.

[HotI]

What do YOU want? He doesn't get to dictate all the arrangements. Your little girl will work it out soon enough. How will she feel if she thinks you have been hiding stuff from her?

What do you want for you?
What do you want for your kids?

[myturn]

I second legal advice, and maybe speak with a child psychologist about how to approach the separation with your daughter. He could go with you to discuss his plan and the psych could talk about the possible impact this would have. To be honest, I see it as more disruptive to her than a clean break with boundaries around how things work. Unfortunately things like this usually get messy before they get better BUT it can work, if both if you seek advice together about how to make it as smooth as possible.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It must feel dreadful xox

[Calluna]

For your daughter - Make it quick. Rip it off like a bandaid then support her as she adjusts. Keeping the new routine consistant and lots of reassurance from both of you is key. It wont be easy but dragging it out will likely cause her more anxiety.

Having BTDT with a 5 year old who has high anxiety and cant handle disruption to his routine, he is always better when things are consistant and firm boundaries and routines are in place. Its when things change that he gets upset and feels unsafe. He actually handled the separation really well. It has only been when his routine is chopped and changed that he started with his anxious behaviours.

Kids arent stupid (and thats not to say you think they are). She will see the changes in you and him. She will know something is going on and is being hidden from her and not knowing what will cause more anxiety than reassurance. Being open and honest with her will go a long way to maintaining trust between you and showing her she can come to you when she is upset.

Im sorry that he has done this to you. It is wrong on so many levels. He needs to know there are consequences for his actions and he cannot dictate to you the terms of the separation just because he decided thats what he wanted. He is not thinking of anyone but himself (despite making it sound as though it is all about your daughter), its all about what he wants. Tell him to shove his "plan" where his head is and take this to mediation to get some kind of written agreement in place.

Contact legal aid and get the process going for representation before he does.
Also have a look for some counselling for yourself and your DD. The GP can help with a mental health plan for both of you. It will be a rough ride but you will both be better for it long term.

Also have a look at what defines domestic abuse. A lot of people don't realise the true extent of what DV is and if you fall into that category there is loads of help available to you, if you know where to look. Starting with 1800 RESPECT.

Love and gentle hugs.

P.S I hope this doesnt come across as too blunt. Im having a sick of a-holes day today.

[goddessofdawn]

UPDATE:
First thanks to everyone again.

I spoke to him just then and told him that he can't stay here. I looked him in the eye and said "You are leaving me for another woman. It's not respectful that you continue to stay here". He just nodded and said he'd "find a room". Whatever. I said I don't care if you stay there, I just don't want you here. There was no hysterics. I'm done crying.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Hugs to you. While he's pretending to be the good guy, get him to sign the house over to you. After all, that's what he wants for DD, didn't he say? Just don't want you to be homeless in 3 months cos of him.

And I agree on the legal advice.

[goddessofdawn]

Yes I'm going to submit Consent Orders with us both agreeing that I get the house - I just hope the court will approve it.
The house isn't for me - it's for our daughter, so she doesn't lose the stability of the family home and also, I'm not working. And I'll be her primary carer.
Hope that'll be enough. I also worked and paid it off with him before we had our daughter.

[Trillian]

What an entitled mother-****er! I would NOT be tolerating that! He does NOT get to choose to leave your marriage, yet still treat you as if you were his wife by staying over that often and 'keeping' you by supporting you in that way. He definitely wants his cake and be able to eat it too and no way should you stand for that. What happens when his bit of sex on the side gets sick of the arrangement? How will that affect you and your DD? You need to get legal advice now, and don't trust a single word he says to you - this will only work as long as it's working for HIM because afterall, you only found out about this because you confronted him on it.

[goddessofdawn]

Ok so he's no longer sleeping here!
Still wasn't easy for me to fall asleep last night, though. Old habits, I guess.

Can I apply for parenting payment (single mothers pension) immediately now?
Am I able to get it before our assets have been divided and before consent orders submitted?

[~clover~]

Yes. Ring them now & update your information & they'll send you the forms. I'm pretty sure it'll take a few weeks to process, so the sooner you call the better.

ETA; You may be able to apply online?

[Calluna]

You apply online or over the phone get onto it asap as it take a little while to process.