Am I being an UNREASONABLE ex-wife? I want both opinions.. ex-wives & new wives.

[mumofmany]

Hi there

I have a 10yo DD to my ex-husband. He pays $45pw in CS as per CSA.

He doesn't pay any medical, dental, education, sport, cultural or anything else.

He has her 2 nights a fortnight. However, since we split (9 years ago), I've always said he could have 50% custody, just needed to live within a reasonable distance of her school. He has chosen to move over an hour away twice, so he doesn't have 50% care.

Since she was a baby, we always had the agreement that she would attend a private catholic secondary school. And once we split, we agreed that cost would be split 50%. I've paid for all of her primary private education (as according to him, that was my choice so my cost). She's in year 5, and we are enrolling her in secondary school now, he's now decided he wont be paying anything as he can't afford it (combined income for them would be around $90K not including centerlinK).

He agreed at the start of the year to pay for 50% of her extra-curricular activities (bout $300pa), and now has said no.

We just had a $2000 dental bill for her which I asked for 50% and he said that he has no money. But they have put a contract in on a house.. and he's always wearing new expensive clothes.

Anyway.. I spose.. I'm asking for advice/opinions/experiences from women in my situation, and also from women in the other side. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

[Madham]

Hi i can understand your situation i have a dd (12) from previous relationship we split when dd was 18 months and when we split i was promised a 50% share in all costs for schooling, medical etc and 10 years later i am still waiting. I only recieved $7 a week cs but since 1st July i now recieve $48 a week (wow) but better than nothing. I can really not offer you any help but i just wanted to say you are no alone with the broken promises. My dd has only just recently started seeing her dad, she has only spent the night at his place twice in 10 years and only sees him every few weeks for a few hours but it is her decision now on how often she would like to see him as i leave it up to her.
Sorry i wasnt really any help, good luck with it.

[mumofmany]

Thanks Abb. It's good to know I'm not alone. But I also know that I've had it "ok" compared to some situations.

My DH wants to tell the DD what's happening, as I cover for my ex alot with her. DH thinks she's old enough to make the decisions. But I don't think discussing financial implications with her should be her concern. But I want to somehow let her know, that the ex had the choice to help out with the costs but he chose to pay his girlfriends medical bill instead.

What wouldd you do? Would you tell the DD the situation.. or just try sort it out with ex? We are currently going through mediation anyway as when he started to change his mind on things, I decided that if I'm paying for things, he has no choice in things. EG, what schools, what activities she does etc. So this will all be going through court orders etc in coming months.

[Sammiejane]

Hi Mumofmany

Im on the otherside, im the wicked step mum

Regarding the school issue, if it was something that you both agreed to when you were together, i think it is reasonable to expect that he would pay half of the fee's.

The extracurricular activities, is that $300 each? (not that it really matter) are the activities something that he feels are important to is DD? i dont think that is unreasonable either

Now, going to throw my 2 cents in here, its not directed at you in any way, so please dont take it personally...

The income of the 'new' wife had nothing to do with Child Support assessments, nor should a combined income be looked at. In my situation i was earning a higher income than my DH, we bought a house together (i paid the majority of the deposit) and we were hauled in for an interview and she wanted more money. Every time DSS went home and spoke about any renos that we were doing, we would be asked for money... Can you see it from the other side, do you have a house that you have bought with your new DH? Would it be fair if C/S based the amount that you were contributing if they included your DH's earnings too...

I think that the costs of the child should be evenly split to a point, in your situation, you are obviously providing for your DD and significantly contributing to the cost of raising her - in our situation, DSS mum does not work and refuses to as she says that its too stressful, DSS is 10 and in the 8 years i have been with DH she has worked possibly a year (and he has been in full time day care and then school since the age of 2), she expects us to fork out money for extra activities, yet refuses to contribute (best example is last month she asked for extra $ as she couldnt afford to buy him new runners, i added an extra $50 to the c/s payment and he still hasnt got new shoes, but she has ) So i see this very differently, but situations are very different.

I dont think that you are being unreasonable in asking for the money, I think that the private education is something that is so hard to enforce though... could you go to conciliation to discuss?
Also if you think that it is something that he and you agreed on, i am sure you could speak to the CSA regarding that... dental bill, i think that he should be asked to pay half (unless was something that wasnt really necessary like having something cosmetic) also the activities, its not that much a year...

I hope this helps

ETA - i took so long in writing that new posts popped up.
I dont think that finances really should be discussed with children, but you are right she is old enough to make her own decisions... we try not to discuss anything with DSS, its not really fair and is just something that can be used against the parent HOWEVER, i think they work it out anyway. Your DD will grow up knowing that it was you that paid for everything... she will know at some point, yes it wold be great for her to know know, but really who is it benefiting? she will work it out soon anyway know what i mean?

[fionas]

Hi there

My DP has a daughter with his ex and they both currently live in the US.

I guess my perspective is this - the amount of CS he is paying is not very much but presumably it has been assessed properly and that's what he should be paying. Based on that minimal amount, I wouldn't think he has much to pay for private schooling, though having said that, I'm not sure how much her schooling would cost. So despite his verbal agreement, I think you just have to decide whether you and DH can afford it without help from him.

But I definitely wouldn't tell her.

We have had a similar issue with DP's ex. My step-daughter came to live with us for eight months last year and DP's ex refused to pay a cent even though DP has religiously paid $500 per month in CS while his daughter lived with his ex. So while it was very tempting for both of us to tell her that her mom was an unfair, deadbeat so and so, we honestly didn't think that was fair to lumber her with a problem that should be between the adults to sort out.

[mumofmany]

Thanks SammieJane. I wanted to hear from both sides.. because I know myself, and I know I can sometimes be a lil pig headed.

OK... the step-mum hasn't worked for the 5 years they've been together, but has only just started. And me... until 18 months ago, I've worked fulltime night shift to support my family. I now do 2 PT jobs but my husband is the primary giver, so technically... he pays for DD even though legally he doesn't have to. You'd think a real man would be offended and say "o ****, another bloke is paying for my flesh and blood".. but ex doesn't.. he just lets it happen.

The activities - dancing $200pa, swimming $400pa, softball $150pa. All activities that DD has requested to do, nothing we chose. So the $300 asking is less than half i spose.

I think they see us (ex knows my DH is on good money) and think we can afford it. But it should be about his responsibility. We can afford things because we sacrafice alot for our kids. We don't drink or smoke. Ex and GF smoked up until recently.

When I was single, and needed something for DD that I couldn't afford. I would ask ex for help, but ask him to buy the item rather than give me the money. I covered my butt that way. And when ex worked out of state.. i used to ask him to get his mother to buy it and post it to DD.

Because of all the horror ex-wives out there that do what your DP ex is doing.. I've always tried to cover my butt and proove $$ are for DD.

[mumofmany]

Thanks fionas...

i chose catholic private school as it's the cheapest. High School will cost (inc fees, books, uniforms etc) $4K pa... so $2K each or $38 a week.

I don't think that's too much to find.. I mean.. we all live on a budget.. and there's always ways to squeez money.

We drive a crappy 14 yo car as we don't believe in credit or loans and can'r afford to buy a new one just yet... but they have a 4yo ford and about a 8 yo holden.. so to me.. i just think they don't budget and my DD misses out..

I forgot to mention before.. the dental work was 2 extractions, 2 crowns, 4 fissure sealings. I had relied on the school dental system and o boy... did they miss some major stuff that my local dentist diagnosed when I took her there for a tooth ache.

[Madham]

What wouldd you do? Would you tell the DD the situation.. or just try sort it out with ex? We are currently going through mediation anyway as when he started to change his mind on things, I decided that if I'm paying for things, he has no choice in things. EG, what schools, what activities she does etc. So this will all be going through court orders etc in coming months.

Well i have told my dd the truth about everything concerning her dad but she is very mature for her age so i guess its up to you and whether you think she is old enough to understand. I agree if you are paying for everything he has no choice in schools etc.

[Kitt3n]

I have given up trying to milk to ex cow..... hes just full of Bull S***!!!

DD knows that we pay for EVERYTHING for her and I truly believe that a she grows older she will appreciate me for that - well here's hoping.

The ex just isnt worth wasting the oxygen required to speak to him re helping to fund anything for her.......

[Lulu]

I would never, ever tell my child their father thought something else was more important than their needs EVER.

Can you get a formal financial agreement made, it sounds like you might need it. What a w@nker (to paraphrase Kitt3n!).

[Beatrix]

Oh hun..

I am in single mum of 3 and i dont think your being unresonable... possibly dreaming etc but not unresonable

My exH has prmoiseed the same regarding high school etc but yeah i highly doubt it and def kknow that if a new person came on the scene it would be out the window.
my ex just had a whinge about a $7 rise in his child support!!! he is also always broke but has new Nike clothing..... and wouldnt even help me out to get the girls some runner a couple of weeks ago



i really hope he pulls is thumb out but i doubt he will, but i think your right def dont involve you DD is finacial situation

[Marlene]

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, especially since private education had already been discussed, and you have offered 50% custody, more than most mothers would ever dream of doing.

My ex does not pay 1 cent towards his children. CS says he has to pay $5.70 a week (and that is for 2 children, yes, two children!!!!). He can't even manage to do that!
He has his own business (which he obviously dodgies up the books). It is an extremely successful business, he also has his own HUGE home and a healthy supply of drugs. Oh well, I don't really care, I don't want his money and the girls aren't interested in seeing him anymore anyway, especially since they don't even get birthday or xmas cards. Occasionaly a birthday call to say something is on the way (which never arrives), but even those calls are only every couple of years.
I'm sure he makes sure there is just enough contact so that they can not change their surnames to my DH's name without his written permission. GRRRR.

OOps, sorry, I think I just hijakced your post.

[Sammiejane]

Hey Marlene,
DH has a business too, we dont dodgy the books, but his income at the end of the fin year is always a lot less than is reality... due to the profit and loss situation of the business (its not a company)
Unlike most men, DH is happy to contribute to the cost of raising his DS... One year he had to again go to the CSA for an interview as the assessment came back as saying he need to pay something like $20 an month, there was no way that we believed this fair and continued to pay the amount that was set for the previous year... the reason that it was reassessed was that his earning CAPACITY was greater than what was reflected... can you not ask for a reassessment on those terms.

I know that most women and mothers have it really really tough, and we (DH and I) have a huge dislike of those men that cant take responsibility for their kids - it means that he is unfortunately lumped in with a$$holes that are out there.

Sorry for your situation

[Pretty Butterfly]

In reguards to the school fees, I have just discovered that if a ex partner had agreed to pay half before enrollment, CSA CAN make him pay!!!

I have just been through this with my ex, but he decided to pay without going through the process.

Just call CSA, and they can send you a form. He then has a form to fill too, saying why he shouldn't have to pay. I have been told by many that the father rarely wins, and will be made to pay. As long as he verbally agred to pay, then they make him honour that rather than pull the child out of private schooling.

Hope that helps, and good luck!!!

[Marlene]

SammieJane.....I do understand what you mean about your situation, but this is totally different, he has actually put the business into someone elses name that has nothing to do with the business (this other person hasn't put any money into the business and does not take a cut of the money). My kids also dont even get the $5.70 a week that he is supposed to pay (and it has been about 11 years since we broke up). Gee, times must sure be tough for him.

[Yael]

Just moving this to Centrelink & CSA Questions

[XRMummy]

Mum of many- Im pretty sure you can get a change of assessment form from CSA and ask that the money for half the dental bill be reinbursed... Ring them and make sure.. I knwo they have a section asking if it cost you extra for the assessment child regarding medical and so on.....

Like i said ring CSA and ask them anything is worth ago....

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, he told you he would do these things. Apart from that, you didn't impregnate yourself! She's his responsibility as well! Can't afford it, what a joke. I love the way exHs can always afford stuff for themselves but not their kids. My dad always has the latest everything, came consoles and plasma tvs and everything. He estimated his income to CSA as being $1 . . . for the whole year! On account of the fact that he had debts which are his fault anyway! I don't think he ever finished off paying the arears before I turned 16. I must've subconsciously "married" my father, because now exP has lots of debt and refuses to pay child support on that basis, and because he can't hold down a job. But he can still afford to buy xboxes and tropical fish tanks and gamble thousands at the casinOk this turned into a rant about the crappiness of the men in my life LOL. Point is though, you're not being unreasonable! Though I don't think he'll follow through on what he said. And since he's being a cheapskate and not paying, he shouldn't have any say in what activities and schools DD attends.