Question for those who cuddled thier babies to sleep.
Hi all,
I am finding that I need to cuddle DD (3.5mths) to sleep each evening as she can be quite unsettled between 7-10pm. I tend to have to wait until she is fully asleep before putting her to bed otherwise she will cry. Whilst I have enjoyed this lovely close contact I am staritng wonder if I will ever be able to put her to bed awake! For those of you who have cuddled/rocked bubs to sleep when (and how) did you stop?? I know that "the books" tell you to put baby to bed awake but I have found this impossible thus far. When do you think it's reasonable to try it though? I am worried that I am creating a problem.
DD is 4 months old. We make sure that every night she has a warm bath then a feed and straight into bed. I also have a soothing cd going in her room... i find this works well. I also cuddled her but since hurting my back wasn't able to do it.
We cuddled DD to sleep and I enjoyed every minute of it. DD is almost 2 and we were doing it up until she was 14-16 months old. She then decided that the cot wasn't her style so into a big bed and that's where she has stayed. At the beginning we layed next to but now we read her a story and she is out like a light. Who cares what a book says on how to put YOUR child to sleep, ypu gotta do what works for you and bub.
Jac, hun dont stress too much. DS had to be cuddled or rocked to sleep until he was about 7 months. Reason i stop was he was too damn heavy. But i found it quite easy at that age to get him to sleep in the bed by himself as he could understand more than at a young age. When i did i would hold him in his room until he was about to nod off, then would put him in bed. If he woke up i would try to pat, if he cried id pick him back up and start again. Over a few nights he started getting use to that tecnique and i then would put him in bed and sit beside him, patting or stroking until he fell asleep. Did the same process as above. Then once that was working i would do it not patting but still be there where he could see me. Once that was going well i would then move to the otherside of the room. If he cried out i would say shhhh so he knew i was there. If it didnt work, i would work backwards on the steps.. did that until he was ok with that. Then moved outside the door. Followed the above. If he dropped his dummy in this process i quickly put it back in. And that then ended where i could put him to bed and walk out. Maybe took a week or 2 i think but it worked and was easier i think than going through the struggle of trying to get him to self settle at a young age when he just didnt want to.
Then comes DD who doesnt want to be touched while going to sleep
So dont feel bad or listen to the books. THey may work for some but not everyone. Do what you think works and is best for you and your DD.
I have tried settling her in her bed but I must admit only half-heartedly as I am very paranoid about her waking her 21mth old brother who sleeps right next to her room. He usually sleeps OK but can be difficult to settle if woken. I think this is the problem as I am afraid to let her cry even a little bit. I guess I need to bite the bullet and allow her to settle in bed and worry about my toddler if and when needed. It will have to happen sooner or later I guess! I need to get rid of my toddler for a week to do it!
I think she will grow out of this unsettled period in a few weeks hun. I actually think its the 'easy' way out to cuddle them to sleep because although its a bit tiring, its worse leaning over the cot to pat and shush and panic about waking the others. I always lean towards following the baby until they push away from you a little bit, when they are ready.
Actually I think most of us lean the same way, but end of feeling guilty and going against our instinct cos someone made us feel like we are 'creating a rod', or that baby is broken if they don't sleep through at 3 months.
Having said that, give it a go with letting her grizzle a bit in her cot. You may be surprised at what your toddler sleeps through. DS can sleep through his little sister chucking all manner of tanties and he was the WORST sleeper until he was 3!
I have cuddled both my girls to bed. I started changing things with DD#1 when she was 10 months old - mainly because I was then 7 months pregnant and was worried how I was going to cuddle two babies to sleep! I very, very gently phased in putting her to bed awake. Started cuddling her to sleep in her bedroom, then would put her down when she was almost asleep, gradually stretching that time out. I always lay on the floor next to her cot with my arms in patting/stroking her so there was constant contact. This also phased down slowly. It took probably 3 weeks before I could put her to bed wide awake and she would settle herself very happily without any crying whatsoever.
With DD#2 we have just started sometimes putting her to bed awake. I have the same concerns as you about DD#2 waking up DD#1. TBH, DD#1 seems to sleep through absolutely anything once she's actually asleep so I think your idea of just giving it a whirl and seeing what happens is a good one.
I agree whole heartedly with the PPs. Who cares what a book says. You will always have a huge proportion of the population that take the view that those of us who cuddle our babies to sleep are spoiling them, incapable parents, idiots or whatever. IMHO I think it is those people that miss out on beautiful time with their child and while it is at times inconvenient to not simply be able to put my baby down and walk out of her room, its a tiny price to pay for the reward of watching your child fall asleep safe and secure in your arms.
My DD is 10 months old and sometimes I will cuddle her to sleep if she's particularly unsettled (eg: if her gums are sore). Some nights though she's fine to just have a bottle in her cot and falls asleep on that.
We cuddled to sleep and had DS in our room until we moved when he was 12 months old. He is now 20 months old and is a great sleeper and really good with his bedtime routine. Sometimes he is in such a hurry to go to his bed he will bypass our cuddle (boo hoo!!!!). And last night he even went to bed without asking for his dummy and blanky but took a soft toy instead (big woo hoo!!).
Enjoy it while it lasts. Cuddling to sleep is an awesome bonding experience because they feel loved and safe. Honestly you can worry about her learning to self settle later when she understands and feels safe by herself in the cot and in her bedroom and when she knows that if you aren't there that you will come back. Right now the most important thing is her emotional development and attachments to you and learning that bedtime is a lovely experience - not one to be feared in being left alone. She is still really really young. If you would like a book recommendation - I can whole heartedly recommend Robin Grilles Heart to heart parenting. It goes into sleep issues but within the greater context of your childs development. He is a psychologist specialising in child development. I hope this helps!
Put it this way, Jac; the majority world cuddles their babies to sleep until those babies don't need it anymore AND that time DOES come, cos 12 year olds needing to be cuddled to sleep isn't the world's best kept secret, it's something that doesn't generally happen (and if it does, it's not the fault of being cuddled to sleep, it's probably some kind of trauma the kid's gone through!).
I'm sure people roll their eyes (IRL and perhaps on this forum, too) when they know that I do comforted parenting, and my stance is "bite me". It's none of my business what other people say about me behind my back! I answer to my son and to myself, not anyone who wants to roll their eyes and not be there when it counts (i.e. when I can't get the kid to sleep any other way and the kid REALLY needs to sleep!).
Trust yourself and what your child is telling you above all else
DS is nearly 8 months old and we still cuddle to sleep. It doesn't occur to me to do it any other way. It's so nice watching them fall asleep in your arms A few times I've put him down and he's settled himself but 95% of the time we cuddle
I just came here to post a vertually identical question, so has been great to read all the comments!!
My DD is 5 Months and i have been cuddling her to sleep and wondering if it was time to stop as all i hear from friends/general people is ''your just creating problems for your self later''...''rod for your back'' ''If you go to her as soon as she cries she will learn that all she has to do is cry to get your attention'' etc back blah blah.
We have a feed in her room, sometimes falls asleep then, if not cuddle till she is asleep then put her in her cot. She CAN self settle, some nights she will decide she dosnt want to cuddle to sleep and will very happily chat to herself in her cot till she falls asleep. But ALL day sleeps and most night sleeps we cuddle to sleep.
I have found that DD will know when she is ready to do something and i should just follow her. Like someone said...you dont hear of many 12 year olds needing to be cuddled to sleep! And i agree, its such a nice time and so special i dont mind one bit! Also it will be easier to change when she is older and can understand more.
I read an article on here about controled crying (the con of controled crying, worth a read) as someone suggested i try it....not for me!!
I like the advice on how others have slowly managed to change to pattern, i will try that if i have to when the time comes!!
Trust the way your doing things, everytime i think ''maybe im doing something wrong'' i always end up annoyed that i ever doubted myself! It sounds like you are doing a great job!!
At night I cuddle our 3 month old to about 80% if that makes sense and then put him in his cot - I LOVE IT - it is a time you can never have again. And I wouldn't do it any other way at the moment. In another 6 months I would change if he was still wanting it, but whilst they are so little - they can't "manipulate" you like my MIL tried to tell me with my first wehn I told her I b/f him in our bed when he was 3 weeks old etc
I have a friend whose parenting choices couldn't be more different to mine. My girls are never left to cry, are cuddled to sleep, are sling worn etc. My girlfriend believes more in the "schedule" kind of life for her baby who was never even rocked in her mother's arms when she was unhappy, let alone cuddled to sleep (My GF would tell people NOT to rock, jiggle, sway etc if you were holding her child). My DD is an incredibly confident, outgoing little girl who now races happily to her cot when you ask her if its time for bed (day or night). She gets in wide awake and happily settles herself to sleep (and sleeps from 8pm until anything up to 9.30 am!) Her DD is a very shy, clingy, insecure little girl.
You can't make sweeping statements from a test case of 2 children but I think it shows that (A) gentle parenting does NOT make whimpy little kids and (2) children are individuals. What works for one may not work for another. THey all have their own little characters and while you can influence those to a certain extent, they are what they are and what is more important is that your child feels total love and security, and that you will always be there when they need them.
I am the only one of my group of close girlfriends that "gentle parents". They all look at me as if I'm a weirdo and have fortunately now given up making snide comments. Mayaness was spot on - you answer to yourself and your child. Anyone else just doesn't matter.
Last edited by LuluHB; January 4th, 2009 at 08:22 AM.
I also cuddled DD to sleep until she was about 5 months old, then she just didn't want me to do it anymore. Now she is put to bed wide awake, I walk out until she has done her little wind down (babbling, squealing, blowing raspberries), then when she is whinging (I know her sound when she's ready) I go in, put her dummy back in and she goes straight to sleep.
I was also worried about what those boooks say, but I decided that I should do what works for her and I, and if I did create a problem, I'd put a few days aside to recitfy it. Your DD probably just needs your help to get to sleep for now, enjoy cuddles while you can! Good luck
Lulu: i totaly know what you mean, i have a very good friend who followed the books and left her DS to cry etc, still gave him tons of love, she is a great mum, but followed what ''They'' said she should do. When her DD came along she had the confidence to do what felt right for her and did more 'gentle parenting' even when people said ''she shouldnt be co-sleeping at 1 yr old'' ''shouldnt breast feed till 2yrs old'' etc etc.
DS(now 5) is shy, clingy and has more tanties.
DD(now 3) is the most confident, outgoing, bubbly little girl.
She really thinks it was the way she parented that made the difference!
Obviously all babies and children are different, and like you said, where one thing will work for one child/parent totally the opposite will work for the next, but it is interesting to hear a similar story!! Like samiH said, they arnt manipulating you when they cry, just telling you in the only way they can that they need something!
Something a friend told me before i become a mummy that helped me to understand my DD more was that after you have checked all the normal things ie nappy/feed/hot/cold etc think about all the other things that may be making her cry, does she have an itch, the feeling of a breeze on her face, so many other things that wouldnt bother us, that can seem devistating for a baby....like just needing a hug!! may be obviouse to some people but helped me to see her world from a totally different perspective and be a better mum!
Cuddle them to sleep DS was a rock to sleep baby until about 10 months or so and then went to going to sleep being cuddled in bed by me or rocked by DH. He now doesn't want to be held / rocked to sleep and lies on the bed next to you to sleep or holds your hand (or rubs your elbow but that is a whole other fetish ) They change how they go to sleep when they are ready and they are the most special of times that I wouldn't change for anyone.
I still cuddle Noah to sleep and will continue to do so until he no longer needs it. To watch him drift off to sleep while looking into my eyes is magic. It's not like it is going to last forever and I want to drink up as much as possible before it ends.
Granted I have my moments when I need to get stuff done and get frustrated and let him cry it out but those days are a rare occurance.
Registered User
Question for those who cuddled thier babies to sleep.
best of luck.
AND that time DOES come, cos 12 year olds needing to be cuddled to sleep isn't the world's best kept secret, it's something that doesn't generally happen (and if it does, it's not the fault of being cuddled to sleep, it's probably some kind of trauma the kid's gone through!).
) They change how they go to sleep when they are ready and they are the most special of times that I wouldn't change for anyone.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks