Does anyone else feel cheated?

[farmgirl77]

Hello,
I hope that I dont offend anyone with this post, cause it is not ment to in any way. But I'm wondering if anyone else feels cheated with their pg after 1. through having to get pg through ART, and 2. by the added stress it seems to create with our pg?

Where am I coming from? Pls dont get me wrong, I'm so happy that we are pg and looking forward to our little one arriving, but I feel that we are missing out on all the spontanious (sp) happiness that may people experience when they become pg - instead i find myself stressing till the next scan, and dwelling on all that can go wrong, rather than the fact that it prob will be all ok, and that this wonderful event is happening for us. I guess for me this is compounded by the thought that for medical reasons we will prob have a CS for the birth - yet another medical intervention required for us to do what 'should' be natural - and also the fact that to keep this baby going is requiring on going medical intervention and treatment.

I dont want to sound ungrateful but is this a normal feeling?
FG

[butterfly_warrior]

Completely normal, Farmgirl.

I felt very cheated as there was no time of slowly coming around to wonder if I might be pregnant, no waking up one day and realised my period was late and it might be an idea to take a test. Just toddling off to the IVF clinic the day before my period was due for a blood test.

You know from the very minute that the embryo is transferred that you are/may be pregnant and there's always the stress. Will this one stick? How far will I get? Are the medications we're taking this time the right ones to get us all the way? and so on and so on.

I do wonder, though, how much of it comes about from needing to go through IVF and how much of it comes about from having been through several miscarriages before finally getting a sticky pregnancy.

BW

[diamond]

HI Farmgirl,

Yes - I couldnt agree with your post more. We definately felt cheated, even before our bfp, that we would not be able to the experience joy that a positive surprise should bring. Instead it great sense of relief that it wasnt a bfn which is exactly what happened. We were so scared of a bfn (after an IVF cycle) that we could only feel immediate relief when it finally happened. And this response is completely normal for LTTTC'ers. I spoke at length about it with my counsellor who helped me realise it is just normal. And now the constant worry that something will go wrong... I think this is normal for any pregnancy, not just LTTTCers, but of course even moreso worried if you have had problems before. I wish I could offer some advice or say something to make it all go away, but i cant. Trying to relax a bit more might help..perhaps treating yourself to a massage or even a yoga class. Sorry if i couldnt offer any help I just wanted to say that I understand...

Also, try to remember your profound joy will settle in once it becomes more and more real for hubby and you,

[dusty]

Moving this thread to the PALTTTC area.

[tippytoes]

Hey Hun

I think all the intervention and assisted conception does take the innocence out of conception. The romance of the notion is destroyed... IYKWIM!

I think I have been more worried etc firstly, cause of the miscarriage, and secondly I think well if the sperm was injected into the egg how do we know it is strong enough to make the bubby..... I guess I keep telling myself 'It will be fine, we have made it this far'. I had a scan last Firday cause I was so paranoid about stretching pains..... Now I do feel a sense of relief cause bubs looks amazing lots of movements and definately healthy!

Anyhow, YES I do think it is normal to feel cheated out of the natural miricle that can occur - but then when I really think about it......our babies really are the true miracles becuase they are here/on their way against so many odds!!!!!!!


Rach xx

[Nixon]

Hey Farmgirl.

I think most of us have felt similarly to you at some point in the prenancy after the inital joy (shock/disbelief) of a BFP.

Friends don't understand why we aren't gabbering away about the baby and being pregnant. Why we don't go out and buy heaps of things as soon as we find out. Why we may not seem to be over joyed at the fact that we are pregnant and why we are so stressed about going for scans. The way they see it is that they're off to have a sneak peak at their little bundle of joy. The way we see it is another opportunity to be told that there is no heartbeating within our prescious precious babies.

My feelings have changed a lot since late in the first trimester thru til now. I feel a lot more comfortable. Slowly over time as my baby started to kick and my belly continued to grow I started to feel more like this was meant to be. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason and if this was the way my baby was meant to come to us then it must be for the best possible reason. Who knows what that reason is yet, but I suppose I am going to just think of it as something exciting and full of possibilities. Maybe because my baby was an IVF baby they will go on to study medicine and go into this field of miracle work. I don't know. There could be an infinate number of reasons why this was the way it had to be for us.

There are also women who do concieve naturally and then disaster strikes. My SIL's first baby died inside her at 10 days over due. My aunt's baby had a hole in it's brain and was terminated. Another aunt's baby died of SIDS. My SIL now has a happy and healthy 2yr old - I can't even contemplate how scary it must have been even to decide to try again after that let alone how much fear she must have had right up until her baby as in her arms. But women are strong and women will do whatever needs to be done.

Farmgirl - I hope you can find a way to be happy and feel secure in your pregnancy. Don't feel bad for the way you feel - just feel it, own it and let it go. For me I think I just got to a point where I figured - I might as well enjoy this now and whatever happens in the future I'll deal with then.

Sorry for the long post.

[Possums]

FG- absolutely normal if you ask me! I have felt exactly as you feel...I still feel that way even though I am not currently pregnant, because I know when I AM pregnant, I will never have that innocent joy, especially now after our three losses on top of things. I am dealing with a fair bit of anger still at the moment, so please excuse that, but it makes me annoyed and upset that life is so unfair, that those who really dont seem to care get to have that easy conception, and easy pregnancy.

My hope is, and I hope this works for you, is that later in the pregnancy, when you can feel movement etc that the joy will increase and anxiety reduce, at least a bit!
And do your best to focus on the joyful parts, while accepting that you will also be anxious.

[NaeNae]

.

Friends don't understand why we aren't gabbering away about the baby and being pregnant. Why we don't go out and buy heaps of things as soon as we find out. Why we may not seem to be over joyed at the fact that we are pregnant and why we are so stressed about going for scans. The way they see it is that they're off to have a sneak peak at their little bundle of joy. The way we see it is another opportunity to be told that there is no heartbeating within our prescious precious babies.
.

Farmgirl - Nixon hit it on the head. What you are feeling is quite normal and is not restricted to women who conceive through IVF. There are many women who can fall pregnant easily but cannot hold onto that pregnancy and experience loss after loss. While we get that excitment of the BFP shock - I can assure you that what follows immediately is "will this one stick?" and the self doubt in our body and our abilities to carry a pregnancy.

While you have to have a C-Sec - try not to think about it as yet another medical intervention. You are giving your baby the best possible start to life it doesn't matter whether its the sunroof or corridor, when you hear that baby cry for the first time it won't matter because you will be so elated in that moment everything you have been through to get to that point will be forgotten (at least in that one moment )

Big try to enjoy your pregnancy while it lasts, every moment is precious.

Love Nae x

[nicjay]

Hi FG,

I think what you are feeling is totally normal, well I feel that way anyway!

I'm speaking from the point of view of someone who has sat on both sides of the fence, I have a 4 year old DD conceived naturally and with no problems and a problem free pg and birth. I'm still not really sure whether I had a problem all along and we just got lucky so to speak with her, or if the problems appeared after her birth I suspect the first is the case though. Conceiving our 2nd child however has been a challenge to say the least, with miscarriage and fertility treatments over the last 2 years.

I have often looked back over the last 18 months or so to my pg with DD with nostalgia, I never worried about miscarriage, ob visits or scans or anything at all going wrong. I just enjoyed it and it was a wonderful time of my life. This time around though has been exactly like you describe, constant worry about the next scan, ob visit and what might go wrong I'm only just starting to think that maybe with actually will bring this one home, especially as I have had a few good ob visits in a row now and have also started to feel movements in the last week or so. So I hope that as time goes on you also will start to relax and enjoy being pg more. Maybe the feeling of cheated won't go away totally, but it will be pushed more to the back of your mind by everything else that is happening and the wonder of your growing baby.

As for the CS, trust me when they give you your baby you won't care how he or she arrived, you will just be so happy to finally hold them

Here's to a happy, healthy and stress free pregnancy

All the best!

[farmgirl77]

Thanks everyone - it is good to know that these feelings are normal, and expected! I really cant wait to hold my little one, that is what I need to focus on, and try and relax about the rest.
Thanks again.
FG

[amberj]

I hope you don't mind my posting in here- I am not LT/TTC and had little problem getting pregnant, but I saw this in 'new posts' and was interested.

First, I just wanted to say thank you for opening my eyes to this perspective. I had never considered it, but I can totally see where you all are coming from. I imagine it is absolutely heart-breaking to have to go through ART and loss and I admire you all so much.

Secondly, and I'm not quite sure how to say this, I wanted to say that when I was pregnant and in touch with a big group of similarly pregnant ladies, one thing I really, really admired about the ladies who had gone through so much to get pregnant was that they were so appreciative, and they really cherished their pregnancies. I know it must come with an enormous amount of fear and vulnerability, but I found you guys dealt so much better with all the icky bits of pregnancy and were really able to maintain the joy of pregnancy right alongside the fear and the unpleasant bits. I just always admired that, and thought that they all got something really precious out of their extremely difficult experiences as well. Not that I would wish that on anyone, just to point out something cool I noticed.

I'm not in any way trying to discount or distract from what you are experiencing, it just made me remember all this and want to share it. Sorry if I've hi-jacked!

Best of luck with your pregnancy!

[Nixon]

Thanks Jessica - It's nice to see some different perspective from women in different situations. Just as the saying goes - every woman is different and every pregnancy brings a different experience. There are so many varying degrees of AC - how long it took to stick, loss, IVF, ICSI, PICSI(?), IUI - the list goes on.

I really like that we can all talk about it here and know that nothing is ever said to be hurtful or mean - it's all just to support and show a different view on things. I think it's great - so thanks for posting.

[Possums]

Jessica- I agree with Nixon, it's great to see another perspective, and also great you were sensitive enough to notice how different women, who'd been through a long journey, reacted to and handled their pregnancy experiences.

[JBM]

i think it is normal. i had mc before 1st child and then had spotting at 7 weeks, i was worried the whole time and couldn't wait til next appointment to make sure baby was ok. it is totally normal. you're doing a great job. xo

[sushee]

I think this feeling is normal whether you did ART or had several miscarriages or both. I did feel cheated by how much stress Charlie's pregnancy caused compared to the rather carefree and innocent pregnancies I had with my first three kids.

But I do agree that it makes you appreciate it all with a keenness you probably wouldn't have if you hadn't had to struggle so hard. So it is a bittersweet experience for sure.

[satya]

I felt much the same after many years of TTC & 3 miscarriages (no IVF). I also had the complications of getting spotting, a bad NT result, an amnio and a potential issue found at the 32 week scan. It all took a lot of the fun out of the pregnancy. I also had all the added stress that comes with being pregnant over 40. All was well in the end. I wish I'd worried less & enjoyed more.

The only thing I can tell you is to please try to enjoy your pregnancy more, share with people more. Before you know it your pregnancy will be over & you will be wishing you'd managed to enjoy it more. It may very well be the only long term pregnancy you have (looking that way for me) and it should be cherished & celebrated whenever possible.

[nic]

Hi farmgirl,
Yep, I would have to agree with these being normal and rational feelings.
I was at my happiest when I had DH's hand on my belly. That was the only time that it felt 'real' to me. When he wasn't around, I felt different, almost not connected in a way.
When I spoke to other people, I felt like I wasn't allowed to say "Oh the morning sickness is kicking my butt this week" you could see them thinking "why is she whinging?"
My MIL loved pointing out things like that especially. She even told me, when I was explaining how terrified I was of doing the IVF injections, that I should be grateful and I should think about the poor kids who had to give themselves insulin injections everyday! She made more comments like this throughout my pregnancy.

I got to the point where I was feeling depressed. I would drop DD at school and cry before I even got back in the car to drive home. I would get home and climb into bed and get back out with enough time to brush my teeth and go to school to pick DD up. I'd try to occupy myself with BB, sometimes it worked other times not.
I would wait for DH to go to bed of a nighttime, then jump in the shower and cry and cry. It got to the point that after a conversation with my DH, he became afraid to go to work and leave me alone. He told me that he was seriously thinking of taking the car keys away from me so I couldn't do anything irrational.
He wanted to take me to the OB and tell him how I was feeling, but I cried and begged him not too..I told him that I had been on meds for the last 6 months to get pregnant, and I didn't want to put anything else into my body, I wanted my body back, I wanted it to be mine and to feel like a normal person.. problem was it didn't feel like my body, it felt different... there was a baby! There was no way I was getting my body back for quite awhile yet lol.

I didn't particularly feel a connection with DS, but I knew that I still wanted to meet him. I was looking forward to not having to take any more medication or use any more pessaries, but was worried about when that time came, what might happen. I hated the ultrasounds, but loved too look at a pic from it afterwards with DH. I lived off DH's excitement (and DD's) for quite a while, I think it was probably till I held DS in my arms for the first time. I didn't see him for about 6 hours after he was born. They decided to bathe the other c/s babies first. DH was getting cranky that he hadn't met his mum yet, I kept saying "It's alright, I'll see him later" I was worried that there wouldn't be a connection or love there...but when I had him in my arms...I cried..he was actually here. all the emotions from the years of TTC and the drugs and being pregnant and worrying about staying pregnant, had ended with a REAL baby in MY arms! I believe i didn't want to get attached "just in case"
I never posted in full honesty how I was feeling. I suppose society had made me believe that I should only be having those grateful feelings and anything else was wrong or ungrateful.

Sorry for my long winded post.. I know if I had the courage to post when I felt like this, then I might have felt normal for knowing that I wasn't alone in those feelings.
hope the remainder of your pregnancy will be a healthy, happy, enjoyable one

Nic

[Possums]

farmgirl- just wondered how you are going? have been thinking of you, especially now that I have the same diagnosis and can relate to what you must be experiencing more. hope all is spot on for you

since I first responded to this thread, let me say I definately do feel cheated, especially now!