Hello everyone. This is not the parent's club I ever wanted to join, but here I am..
I am 37, and Jackson Bear was my first born.
4 weeks ago today my baby was still-born at full term.
I went into spontaneous labour on my due date, thinking that everything was fine. We'd just heard his heart beat at my routine prenatal check the day before.
After half a day of gentle early labour at home, my midwife came to check on our progress. His heart beat was gone.
We rushed to hospital, where no cardiac activity was confirmed.
I was admitted into the birth suites, and spent the night labouring without induction or any intervention. Although, yes, it all hurt like hell, I found the labour and birth to be really empowering and such a needed part of my journey. I refused the pethidine and epidural offered because I wanted to be totally present for the short time that I would have my son with me. I did relent and have gas during transition!!
I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful hubby, who was with me every step of the way, remaining 'emotionally present', massaging me through every contraction and doing everything in his power to support me.
Jackson was born at dawn on Spring Equinox. So bitter sweet, the sense of achievement at naturally birthing with no problems- other than the fact that my baby was dead.
He was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck four times. The preliminary autopsy report says evidence of acute asphyxiation. Everything else about him (and me) was perfectly healthy. He was a beautiful 9 pound baby, with perfect proportions, looking just like his daddy, who was born 9 pounds 10 ounces!
I was able to hold him straight away, and all up we had 30 hours of holding him, bathing him, rocking him, singing to him, kissing him and 'baptising' his beautiful head with our tears.
I'm physically still recovering from the birth (stitches, hemmorage, muscle pain and fatigue). But the grief is growing every day. We both miss him so much, and it just seems to be getting harder. Sure I have 'good' days, and days when I put on a good 'face' for the world, days when I have to be strong for my parents and friends because they can't bare to see my pain. But there's a terror and deep grief behind every moment, and it takes all my energy not to collapse and give in to wailing like a banshee!

I'm not angry with God- I don't believe in an interventionist God, so therefore no God for me to be angry at, simple! I don't believe that my baby was too beautiful for this earth. I don't believe that God took my baby to be an angel. I don't believe it was 'meant to be', or part of God's plan. It's just not my faith or belief system, but if those things are yours I hope those thoughts give you great comfort, because whatever gets us through... I just get upset when people try to comfort me with these words or feel the need to push their faith on me, because it disrespects the fact that I'm an intelligent, thoughtful person who has my own thoughts on life that keep me going. Sorry to ramble about that, but I was on another forum and was 'bible-bashed' quite a bit...
Thanks for reading my intro. I'm here because I need to talk with people that can relate to what I'm going through. We're kind of in an exclusive club that no-one wants to know about...