For me, it was the general compassion I was shown that helped me so much. DH & I were given shoulders to cry on when we needed them and the midwife that delivered Noah shed a few tears and told us how beautiful he was and congratulated us on becoming parents. It meant so much to me that DH was really supported too. Yeah it is a massive thing for the Mum to go through but very often the Dad's feelings are cast aside.
I can't remember a lot about my labour with Noah, but I knew I was supported and my midwife wasn't going anywhere until well after Noah was born.
I guess the worst thing that happened wasn't from a midwife but it was awful. I was home and it was my first day alone. DH was back at work and the kids were back to school. I got a phonecall from the hospital. Thye wanted to ask me some questions in regards to Noah's post mortem examination. I told them it was a bad time for me and could they call later when DH was home. They said no and they needed an answer then & there. I got the courage up and said okay. They then asked me if I would like Noah's organs placed back into his body after the post mortem. I lost it. I cried so hard & could barely speak. I was never apologised to either. I feel this is something that should have been asked whilst I was in the hospital after we'd agreed to the PME.
Oh, now, I'm different I liked it more when they left us alone to cry/bond with Ianto/relax/whatever... Or maybe I just had really annoying midwives?
Thinking about this, all I could come up with was a bunch of "Don't do"s... I didn't realise how hurt I still am by some of the things that happened... So here's my list (though it may just be me)
If the woman says she wants to be induced as soon as possible, do it. Even if it's policy to wait for the ultrasound results, start the induction and you can look at the results while she's in labour. I think I was kinda tricked, because they didn't tell me I wasn't allowed to get up after the gels until the third lot went in - the first after they had the u/s results.
If you've asked a few times during/before labour if the parents want to see and hold their baby, and they've said yes every time, they have made up their mind. You don't need to ask again after the baby is born.
Treat it sort of like a live birth. Yes, the baby has died, and the parents do know that, but they might benefit from things like being able to bath him/her without having to fight for it. One tiny, tiny detail that still upsets me is that they plonked Ianto on the scales, and then left him there as they wrote his weight down on the other side of the room. If it had been a live birth, he would've been held gently, picked up off the scales after his weight was taken...
If the woman says that she wants to leave the hospital "as late as possible" she doesn't mean that night. She wants to stay as long as she's allowed to. Especially if she knows that hospital policy is to have mums stay for two nights after baby's born and has only been there one. They told me that I could stay for as long as I wanted unless there was another woman who needed the room. I was fine with that. But then they made me leave a day too early when I didn't want to. There was no other woman, and they had at least three free beds when I left.
Teni - Even 4.5 years later I cried whilst writing down that phone call. All this time later and I am still tortured by that call
I definitely agree to treating it like a live birth. As much as we knoew the reality, the respect given to our child is so important.
I am so sorry to hear you were made to leave before you were ready. I was never told when I had to go thankfully. I had a room and DH had a fold out bed and we were there for 4 days in total. Leaving was the hardest thing I had to do as that was the final goodbye before the funeral.
I had some good care and some truly AWFUL care when we found out our precious Ellen died on 13th Jan 2010.
We went to hospital for a "check up" after her due date. MW couldn't find a heartbeat. She got a dr but MW didn't say Ellen had died. The dr she got wouldn't say anything either so he got another dr who finally told us. Be brave TELL people. We were left guessing what was going on for about 1/2 hour....it felt like months! My hubby had to shout at one of the dr's to find out what was going on!
The care we got during labour was good BUT I was not offered one of the "bears of hope" to take home in my arms from hospital. It would have made a HUGE difference to have this. The MW who looked after us also didn't get a lock of Ellen's hair. Luckily we thought of this before she was cremated.
They also have a thing at that hospital that they give out special quilts that are donated. One quilt is big and the other is small, one goes with baby and the other stays with the parents. This was not offered to us either.
Not being offered the quilt or the bear made me think I was not as important as other mothers who had lost a child. Worse it made me feel they didn't think Ellen was important. I was and still am upset about this. I have been offered these things since but have rejected this. It does not mean the same as if it had been properly handled.
I also had hospital mental health workers come into the room when I was in labour and even though I clearly said I did not want them there they came in. I was very upset by this.
Generally the MidWives were careful, friendly and understanding.
I was encouraged to leave hospital after one night. I gave birth to my full term baby at 7.30pm and by lunch the next day I was home.
As we live out of town and I was at the major hospital and not transfered with baby to the local hospital I did not get midwife visits at home. I was very scared about how my body was after birth and didn't feel brave enough to ask anyone. One visit even would have been good. Had I had a live baby I would have got that service.
Reliving this makes me sad but perhaps it will be read by a carer and things will improve for other mothers.
Kate
Oh, and don't tell a mother her child is "starting to smell"! FFS, that really upset me (made worse by the fact that my mum and Scott agreed ) - I freaking LIKED his smell! He still smelt like a normal baby to me It was that beautiful sweet smell... hence why my blog is called SWEET Soft Smudge and not Stinky Soft Smudge
I had a senior midwife through my whole 9 hour labour to end our pregnancy due to multiple fetal abnormalities what made me feel comfortable was she told me exactly what was going to happen and she would tell me when things were happening eg. she could feel the little head and if i need to go to the toilet to let her know so she could place a pan in the toilet as some babies come real quick once mum is on the loo.
She also only asked once what we wanted eg. to see Abbi being born do we want to hold her i said i did not want to see Abbi being born incase she tried to breath so the midwife got my mum and sister to hold a blanket up so DH and i couldnt see until she was out and cleaned up.
The most touching thing was the midwife treated her like a normal birth she passed her to us and said see you have a little girl showing us her privates (as she new we had 3 boys ) and then said she is absolutely beautiful and a sweet little angel there was no mention of her deformities just how beautiful she was.
The midwife also said Abbi did not take a breath and had passed away during the labour which put my mind at ease knowing she did not suffer she was compassionate and caring she shed a tear with us showing us she cared and we were not just a job to her.
The things i did not like was the grief councillor came to talk to us while i was in labour i said no i dont want to see one now but she just came in i was in so much pain and the inducing drugs had made me have to rush to the loo constantly with cramps and she still wouldnt leave so i yelled at her to get out they should come before your induced or after bub is born not during.
And the other thing i did not like was we took our camera to take photos and were just overwhelmed so the midwife offered to take them on the hospital camera which was great she then took Abbi away and took photos when she came back and showed us what she had taken and said they would transfer them onto a disc and post them to us which was good but the camera was not left in a sercure place and the memory card was not removed for safe keeping so another nurse came along and deleted the photos by the time we were told Abbi had already gone to have the autopsy so we were unable to have some nice photos of our daughter when the senior midwife who delivered Abbi found out she rang us devastated and the organised Abbi to be brought back from westmead hospital to our hospital and she collected her from the morgue and brought her up to the maternity ward wrapped her in a blanket and took one photo of her beautiful little face and hands she rang me and told me what she had done and she said Abbi still looked fine after 10 days in the morgue and that i would like the photo it turned out to be ok and i thank her every day if it wasnt for her i would have not a single photo of our girl it just proved to us she really cared.
Sorry i have gone on but i hope it helps.
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I liked it more when they left us alone to cry/bond with Ianto/relax/whatever... Or maybe I just had really annoying midwives?
Thank God for amazing women like you Dan
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