Reply With QuoteTBH, I'm confused. You have offered the pill to DD several times but are stressing about buying her a mobile phone??????
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Lisa why thank you sweet thing!!! we have our moments. lol thanks for sharing your story cause I cant get enough of different thoughts on it.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
TBH, I'm confused. You have offered the pill to DD several times but are stressing about buying her a mobile phone??????
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well let me un-confuse you.
The pill is a big benifit as it stops teenage pregnancy. And since she is at that age, I find the pill something very "Useful".
Mobile phone, well she hasn't got a job therefore cant afford to pay for it, she lets her friends borrow everything she has, so um yeah I dont see that as beneficial. And if you read my last comments on the mobile phone you would see I actually gave in about that, it was all questioining about mobiles and getting opinions on them, I was going through the pro's and con's of them.
Does that make sense ?
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Bec, maybe we can discuss this elsewhere: I have a lot of male friends and the pressure for them was so much less. Yes, there have been malicious rumours, but they just got me or another one of our girlfriends to deny them.
Soul, I know plenty of guys who didn't pressure their girlfriends - including some I have dated. There is nothing wrong with any of them! They are all healthy and happy; a few are married with children. Only one is single and he still lets me know his dating dilemmas, it's good to keep in touch with the single, celibate world sometimes.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Um, not really.
The pill doesn't cover STD's which are far more rampant than pregnancy.
You offered the responsibility to have sex but feel she is unable to have the phone, it seems to be the wrong way around imo.
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Soul, celibacy is the ONLY reliable contraceptive out there - just ask BB girls how many of them got pregnant on the Pill - and these are adults who are following the instructions, not teens who often take it at different times each day. TBH, putting your daughter on the Pill only teaches her it's OK to have sex, not that it's OK to wait.
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I "Offered" my daughter the pill if she "Decided" she was going to become sexualy active, I didnt tell her she had to have it nor did I put her on it, so escirse me I did not offer her to have sex, that is bloody rude of you to suggest I did. I am letting my daughter know if she does become active sexually she has the option of going on the pill, instead of sneaking behind my back and having no contraception whats so ever, and yes to the both of you, she knows about sexxually tramsmitted diseases tyoo and knows what condoms aee used for, but again does not have sex yet so therefore needs noether just yet, but when the time is right she can at least feel relaxed enough to come and ask me about it again.
I havent put my daughter on the pill, I told her if she is going to be sexually active she should go on the pill, and since that is our business only I think you were both very rude in telling me I am wrong as a mother for allowing her to use the pill if and when she decides to have sex.
So once again incase I am not making sense-
MY daughter was not offered the responsability to have sex, she was offerd to have the pill "WHEN" she becomes sexually active, which she is not, as to our talks and my parenting so far!!! I do not see anything wrong with me letting her know about condoms and pills, I think it worse not to teach them about it.
Not that its any ones business anyway!
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Soul, I am not having a go at you. A girl age 16 can get the Pill without her mother knowing if she so wishes. But every teenage girl I have ever known whose mother is cool with the Pill has assumed that her mum is cool with sex - if that's you I won't judge whatsoever. Not everyone agrees with keeping sex for just one person - many people no longer believe in marriage - and I will not be drawn into making a blanket judgement on everyone, just wanted to say what my friends and I believed as teens and point out that it isn't that great a contraceptive, especially when you are ill.
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I was just horrified my dd who is 13 has a friend who is pregnant at 13..god I was so naive at that age!!!
I personally wont be offering my dds the pill...i want them to respect their bodies for as long as possible and certainly dont want them getting involved in a sexual relationship when they arent ready for it. It scares the hell out of me!!!
Jo
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My Dad said to me one day out of the blue when I was 15 if I wanted to go on the pill then make sure I asked. It was good to have a grown up chat with him but it didn't make me rush out and get the pill so I could have sex straight away with the first guy that came along.
When I did DTD with my b/f it took a couple of months before I went and got myself the pill. I was 16 and went and did it for myself. I then told my parents and they were glad. Not glad that I was sexually active, I think they were a bit concerned (and I'm sure Dad wanted to choke b/f when he found out) but glad that I was not afraid to tell them and glad I was being responsible.
I see both offering and getting the Pill as responsible steps.
I think by saying to a daughter "You can go on the Pill when you become sexually active" you are telling her that you realise she is coming to be an adult with normal feelings and that if she's going to explore those feelings she needs to do so responsibly. You are also opening the pathways of communication with her so IF she wants, in the future, to go on the Pill, she knows it's ok to talk to you about it. I think getting the Pill and condoms (i don't know about in Aus but in the UK they give you 36 condoms for every 3 month script of the Pill you get from the Family Planning Folk - you can even choose the kind you prefer) show a level of maturity which i'd want to see in my daughter (and myself) before i engaged in sex. I had sex with my first boyfriend once and then abstained until i was on the Pill. We used condoms anyway but i knew they weren't failsafe so i wanted to be sure i was doubly protected before we had sex again. I was in my 20's before i had consensual sex without a condom, after STD testing, with a long-term partner. I have had condoms break on me (or rather, in me) and at the time i was happy to be worrying about MY health, MY life, MY relationship and NOT have to be worrying about another person (baby) too. From that point of view being on the Pill made a big difference to me as a teen. I felt that if i got an STD it'd potentially ruin my life but if i got pregnant it might very well ruin the baby's too. I took it at 9am everyday without fail. I knew exactly how it worked and how to use it. I was young but i was not stupid.
I'd much rather my daughter feared STD's and teenage pregnancy than sex. Sex is a natural part of life and it feels good. I would not want Smee to have sex prematurely or for the wrong reasons but equally i don't see the point in telling her horror stories or highlighting the bad bits since this will just make me out to be a liar when she does finally have sex (unless she has a disastrous sexlife forever which is hardly something i'd hope for).
In my home as a kid sex was not discussed except in general terms (mum was an HIV/AIDS worker and always manned the health stand on World AIDS Day but this only ever meant there were stacks of condoms in the house - sex was still something other people's kids did, not hers). I was able to get the Pill myself at 14 (confidentiality is across the board, not from 16 onwards, GP's can only break the hippocratic oath if they know a crime is being comitted and even then they can face official reprisal fo it) but, and this was SO much more important, i had NO-ONE i could talk to about sex. About what loving sex is, about what sex should be for and about, about how the mechanics and emotions are supposed to tie up. There is no-one who will tell our children these things if we do not.
Soul, what you said about you asking your daughter if she got butterflies when she saw him make me want to cry - what a wonderful mother to talk on that level!
I personally think teaching celibacy to teenagers is relatively pointless. Teenagers have the reputation of being moody, selfish, confused, mysterious creatures. They have to be nagged to get up, go to school, come in on time, put their dirty clothes in the right place, have a reasonable conversation about something. They are capable of blowing up massively over something one minute and hugging us and saying "love you mum" the next. And we expect these emotionally labile, sometimes volatile, self-concerned (quite naturally) people to ignore a basic physical need until...when, consent, maturity, marriage?
As Sammi and Soul's stories both prove, offering one's child the Pill doesn't mean they'll accept it. It is good to teach that it's ok to wait, but IMO not useful to act like they must or will.
Bx
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I think its a great idea to inform our DD about the pill and all other contraceptives, they learn about them in school young anyways. Soul ur doing a great job (not that u need anyone to tell u!) ur her mother and u know wats best for ur DD. u sound like u have a great open and honest relationship with her.
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I was 14 when I first had sex. I had no preparation at all to know and deal with all the emotions and feelings I had..and really ran out and did it with my first 'real' boyfriend. I honestly feel though, that yes while its wonderful to be able to talk to our daughters about the options that will protect her..id much rather know that she is respecting herself, knowing that we are there for her, not condoning immature sex but not burying our heads in the sand either, encouraging her to make responsible choices so she doesnt have regret and live with the consequences of that.
Jo
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hey Bec, when did you meet Jess?????? the way you describe her its as if you know her LOL
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OK So I haven't read all of the replies just yet. I just want to say that I feel the more you deny it the more it is likely to happen without your knowledge. I would rather know where and with whome my daughter was with.
Have this boy over, he may even be nice. He may have her best interests at heart too. (you never know) Atleast by them being at your house together you can keep an eye on things. Your daughter sounds like a smart girl with her head screwed on right. She doesn't sound like she's in any sort of hurry to loose her virginity which is awesome too.
I was 15 when I met my first boyfriend, he was 20. We met when I was on work experience. He was a nice guy, still is. He never pressured me into having sex or anything else with him. Of course we did eventually do it but it was very much consential too. We went out for quite some time too, until I decided I wanted to explore other avenues
This guy also had his own plave out the back of his parents and yes we were free to do whatever out there (he was an adult afterall) but it sure wasn't abused either.
I think what it comes down to is trusting and believing in your daughter. Believe that she will make the right decisions. Let her know that it is ok to say no if she feels uncomfortable at anytime in their relationship. And always have daddy as back up. It's so hard to see your kiddies - you baby, growing up, isn't it.
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Lulu, I think you are being more than a bit harsh on the pill v the phone. Before every man and his dog had a mobile phone teenage sex was still an issue, so I can see why mobile phones aren't considered by some parents to be a must have for their children.
I was on the pill at 14 to combat my vicious periods and not once did I take that as permission to go and have sex with the first boy I fell 'in love' with. In fact it was all my classmates who's parents didn't give them the offer that had pg scares and bad experiences with boys. The pill is a starting point in making them responsible for their own protection and yes it may only be from pg but to a lot of teens that is their biggest concern. Sadly there probably are teens with enough sexual experience to have to worry about STI's as well.
I think Soul is doing a great job of being able to at least talk to her daughter about this and all the possible ramifications of doing it. Of course as parents we would all like our teenagers - when we have them - to stay celibate until they are 'old enough' but who is to say what is old enough exactly? Is it truly out of cncern for them or are we just not wanting to have to deal with the fall out of bad experiences, broken hearts and the big one, their 'reputation'?
The fact is, more teens are having sex now than what they ever did in our generation and we have to learn how to deal with that, not chastise other parents for what they believe is important to them.
Soul started this thread as she wanted advice on how to tackle a problem that every single one of us will have in the future. For those of us who haven't gotten to that stage yet we can only offer our experience from the teen perspective and what our parents rules were for us but it is a very different game these days. Society has made teens grow up faster than what they ever have and what we did at that age is vastly different to now - they move out of home earlier, get jobs, get a life! Treat them with respect and value their opinion and they will respect you back - it may not be exactly what you want them to do but if you can keep the lines of communication open they will come to you more readily.
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bec omg you just described Chloe-Mae to a tee lmao! You are going to make one heck of a fab mother when your babe is a teenager!!
*Blanchie* thank you so much, as long as my dd can trust in me, I know where she is at with her life, if I instill fear in her about this and that and feel if she decided to do things , she will feel she cannot come to me and could end up way worse than just using the pill.
Sherie you so totally get me and my thinking,thank you so very much. Another fab mother in my eyes!And can I say "wowowowowow" YOU SO GET IT!!!! My daughter just read this and said " she is soooooooo cool" lol.
My daughter and I sat here together and read through this, and she like me shook her head at some of the accusations as me being irresponsebile, and yes that is what some of you were more or less saying. And yet, I am trying to protect my daughter not wrap her up in cotton wool so she does not understand what choices she has out there when the time comes.
Some parents think that there child see's them like a god and that they will repsect every single thing they say, I have never met a child that does not do something behind there parents back . Even if it is just something very mild. Peer pressure will over ride any parents wish eventually and especially if its a "BOY" that she is interetsed in.
I would rather walk the woods with my blinders off, than walk the woods and trust in hope I dont go near danger! Teenagers are unpredicatable.
My almost 17 year son has still not had sex because his girlfrind of 6 months is not ready. He is still a virgin himself . All his mates at Tafe drinks, smoke weed and have sex, and Josh has done neither! He is a health fanatic which I have installed in him as I have done with all my children.
My hubbie is a reformed alcholic of 7 years now and my teenagers grew up seeing what alchol can do to families, so they are very much wise little thinkers, and my son is on his way to his life long dream of becoming a Health and Fitness trainer . So yeah I must have been such a irrasponsabile mother to him to!
I think telling your teenager she cant have, is playing with fire, I think telling yor teenager she has options if she is going to start a sexual relationship and to come to you when that time does come
because she should use contreseption is very wise. Its pretty rare that the first person your daughter sleeps with is going to be her one and only for the rest of her life, so respecting herself is not only about putting sex off till the right one comes along since there is pretty much no such thing, I mean seriously does our first sexual partner stay with us for the rest of our life? I teach my daughters that respecting herself comes from within, no man or boy can ever take that away from her.
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[/QUOTE] teach my daughters that respecting herself comes from within, no man or boy can ever take that away from her.[/QUOTE]
Absolutely Soul....thats exactly it.. i also want to try and preserve innocence for as long as possible too.
Jo
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