Teenage Girls and sex

[soul]

Jo I would love to preserve many things in them till they are adults but the sad thing is when they are going to school they hear so many differenet stories of sex and what its like, who's doing it, how many they have had, "Innosense" lost! And then they meet that boy !!! That boy who makes there heart beat a thousand times per second, that boy who makes all those wonderful butterlfies go crazy deep in the pit of ther tummies, and there hormones are on holidays!!!


Wether its talked about at home or not, they know about it, they think about it, they day dream about it............the moment they understand what sex is, they are curious and want to know how it feels, must be good if everyone is doing it.........I wonder what its like!!!!!!

Unfortunatley my innosense led me to teenage pregnancy at 16 because my mother never thought it was the right time to educate me and give me options, I want better than that for my own daughters kwim?

But jo I so get you and wish it could be like that in this day and age, unless we lock em up and not share them with the rest of the world, we have a chance, but if we allow them to grow and explore the world and themselves then sadly we dont have control over there every move and there every thought. I mean they do have sex in toilets at school, they do have sex at the back of the bus, they do have sex, at the movies unless mama is there watching, unless mamma doenst allow her the benafit of the doubt to not be around a boy and trust in her, which then leads to more problems.


Oh if the world was so different or if we as mothers are just able to talk to them more and give them options should they so need them!

[Amity]

I'd just like to thank you all for your differing perspectives - I have/had a 15 year old stepdaughter who has had a bf for 6 months, and this has really helped me understand where she might be in terms of her relationship. Unfortunately I don't get to see her much, but I'm really realising that she's a great girl who's growing up into a wonderful woman.

Again, thanks.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Soul, hun, I'm not saying your girl is irresponsible. I am, however, casting my mind back 10 years and remembering how it was for my friends and me. We all had issues with our parents though! But even the bright girls who knew about teen pregnancy (such as my sister) would often forget to take a Pill. I must admit, I went on it to sort out my periods, never thinking of the side-effects later, but even so I wasn't the best at taking it, some days it would be after school/work rather than before.

I'm just saying what and how we felt as teens and that is what will influence my parenting more than a messageboard, when all is said and done, about this topic. Yes, I will be teaching my children that abstainance is great simply because it was for me - and DH and many other boyfriends respected that.

Then again, my mum wanted to hear I was sleeping with my boyfriend because if I were then it would be more OK for my little sister to, so after a couple of months I just gave up and lied and said I was! Also, "offering" the Pill was "You're going on the Pill because you have a boyfriend and I don't want you pregnant as you're going to sleep with him," which is different to your situation.

[soul]

Knowledge is better than the wishful thinking that our kids listen to us! I was raped at 14 and if I had known about the pill, would have used it. All I can do is give her the options and if she forgets to take a pill "when she is using it" then that is her responsability and lesson, I cannot live someone elses lessons and mistakes I can only supply the knowlwdge on it, the rest is up to her. If I pick up after her with every wrong doing what will she ever learn in life. I am not going to stop her using the pill cause she might forget to take it, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make then drink!

[~Jo~]

Soul I so know where you are coming from..really i do. Ask me this question many years ago and I undoubtably wouldnt have hesitated in putting my dd on the pill too, however our situations arent the same..i have a long way to go til Jess is the same age as your Chloe-May, and we know just how much time changes within a few years.

Im looking at my kids with their friends over right now, out in the back yard with making up a dance to present for school in a couple of weeks time and I am thinking just how quickly we seem to want kids to rush into adults..or mini adults doing adult things. I guess Im looking at it from the perspective of kids just wanting to be kids ya know..for as long as possible. My girls do basketball, hockey, gym, ..they have active little bodies and healthy minds. I just want them to be enjoying the simpleness of not being inundated with adult complications. When I was talking to Jess before she told me about a couple of girls who are on the pill..i asked her what she thought about that..and she replied..they are stupid girls mum...they shouldnt be thinking about that yet. (thats a 13yo perception)

I guess since doing a lot of studying on the sexualisation of girls in our society, im so mindful of being open to the kids, and their friends who are sooooo very chatty lol, but there are lots of things that kids can focus on, after school activities, fun times with family and friends, homework etc..not just boys..boys are just one part of it.

Im sorry ive just seen your post. I cant imagine how that would have been for you...so very sorry

Jo

[mrsmac]

I think this age group is the hardest to parent Soul, I sometimes feel like I am blindly heading into who knows what with it, it seems every day is a new challenge or decision to make. I love having a baby as well cause he is sooo easy by comparison (only cause he's my 3rd mind you!!) Its funny as a teenager I had all these great ideas of how I was going to be with my kids but now as a mum I can see more of why my mum did things. I am torn ATM between the chat openly about sex and look like I am condoning it and ignoring it and putting her in possible danger- its so hard.
We are currently fighting about alcohol. We have said that she may have a big party for her 16th but there will be NO alcohol at all and no one who is drunk will be allowed in. This has made us the worst parents in the world cause EVERYONE drinks at 16ths and NO ONE at all will come if they aren't allowed to drink (according to Jess) I said well they can't be very good friends if that will stop them coming but apparently I don't understand!

[~Jo~]

Oh god Christine..you poor thing!!!

Jo

[soul]

jo I agree , chloe and jess are at different stages as that 2 years difference is unbelievable in terms of how much they change! I honestly thought jess was 15 too not sure why, cauae you have her age in your siggy! She is a smart cookie sweetie and your doing a fantastic job in rearing them, all of them!2 years ago Chloe-Mae was playing with her sisters at the park, now she is playing all the emotional games we do as we enter the big world and I want to wrap her up and not let her go through that yet, but she will do it with or without me, as they legally can leave home now, so instead of fighting with her I will go along this ride with her and try and steer her in all the right directions and let her know I am there with her not against her and I can still be her friend as wlel as her mother.

She is not having sex , she is just trying to find herself and asking alot more questions about sex, I am doing what I can to prepare her for that huge step instead of ignoring it and hoping it will go away or she will be that good girl and abstaine I am teaching her what she should and has to know.

christine I sympathise with you but stick to your guns and one day she will learn full respect and what a hard job being a other is and she will be just like you with her children because she learnt from the best!!!!

[Lulu]

OMG! Talk about RUN with it.

It was about responsibility for a mobile phone v responsibility for having sex and the pill. I think it's a fair call, surely you can't consider these issues even close to each other in weight?

Soul, where did anyone accuse you of being irresponsible? I reread the thread and can't see anyone questioning you as a parent. I certainly didn't.

I'd like to point out that I actually have a 15 yr old, and a 17 yrd old DSD, I have long worked with and advocated for teens and teen mothers.

I'll address a point that I did not raise. It's not enough to "be cool" and tell your daughter she can go on the pill, nor is it to put her on it to prevent pregnancy "just in case". Teen girls may be unpredictable, irrational and old beyond their years, but they are not rampant tarts unable to control their hormones - to treat them so is to breed it, and insulting. I have seen the results of "cool" yet irresponsible mothering. Too much focus on the mechanics of sex and too little of the emotional responsibilities, highs and lows. The good feelings and the bad, the respect that needs to come from both sides of a relationship, sexual or not.

Soul, the above paragraph does not refer to you. Clearly you have and do focus on more than just the sex side of things with Chloe-Mae. Those wonderful tingly feelings you get with a crush, giggling with your girlfriends about it and panicking when you see HIM unexpectedly....aaaah. There's more to it than sex, I think teens that are comfortable about that will rarely be pressured into doing it on the back of the bus.

[soul]

yes lu I do have a habit of running off at the mouth, terrible isnt it! lmao sorry but "cool" is her way of saying "understanding of us teens"! Not the way your interpreting it! Glad you had the patients to re read the thread wow it was long ha!

Neither you nor I know the perfect way to deal with it, she is my daughter so I guess I am dealing with it the best I know how. If that doesn't go with others ways, so be it, if that isnt how tom **** or harry would deal with it, poo hoo to them , if that isnt how society does it, poo them too because she is in my care and she is not loved the way I love her by anyone else.

SO therefore thank you to all the wonderful people that see's I am just doing what I feel is best for my child. Who in afect is a wonderful human being and NOT HAVING SEX!!!

[paradise lost]

Teen girls may be unpredictable, irrational and old beyond their years, but they are not rampant tarts unable to control their hormones - to treat them so is to breed it, and insulting.

It was me who said teenagers are unpredictable etc. I am one of the "rampant tarts" you refer to, since i was on the Pill as a teen. I don't understand why talking about contraception with your child will breed them into a rampant tart. The implication there is that to have sex is a weakness and we will encourage the weakness by addressing the practicalities of it. Why is it insulting to say "i know you're becoming an adult and having these feelings, let's talk about how exploring those feelings can be and steps you need to take to stay safe emotionally AND physically?". Why is that insulting?

Can you not simultaneously educate your child to only have sex when they're ready AND know what to do (contraception-wise) before they take the step? Why will discussing the Pill make people have sex? Why is saying "protect yourself" translating into "shag around"?

Knowledge is power. Teaching our children about all aspects of sex and relationships is important. Telling half the story in the hopes that they will decide to stay virgins forever seems hopelessly naive IMO and i cannot see me doing it.

To me teen sex (past the age of consent) is only a negative if it impacts negatively. If the teens concerned are in a healthy relationship where they talk to each other, are "in love" as much as one is at that age (which i think differs from person to person), and no-one is being coerced or pressured, and the sex is as safe as possible (Pill and condoms) then i do not see what the problem is. Yes, so much MORE than the Pill needs to be discussed before a teen can be sure they're doing the right thing by entering a sexual relationship, but i can't see how discussing the Pill in itself does anything negative.

Bx

[Mrs Jak]

Hi Soul,

Just wanted to say I think you are doing a great job with your DD.

I sooooo don't know how I will be on this topic with my DD.

I hope I will be as understanding and approachable as you.

[soul]

Bec, as usual , you made a lot of sense to me! Bravo

ella's mum, thank you so very much sweetie, that means a lot to me! I'm not perfect as a mother but am doing the best I know how!

[Lulu]

This is just irritating, I can't believe I have to deconstruct my post and explain myself again.

Didn't I just say it is not enough to put a teen on the pill? Didn't I say teens are NOT rampant tarts, where did I say a teen on the pill is a rampant tart?
What implication? I wasn't talking about discussion, I was talking about the hundreds of mothers that think they are cool actually putting their daughter on the pill so they don't get pg, and nothing further.

Bec, please take it from me, in 10 yrs time when you are talking to Esme, phrases like "let's talk about exploring how those feeling can be" are a sure-fire way to have her run screaming from the room.

Protecting yourself from being pg is ONE thing. What about the hurt and pain of rejection, rushing into having sex to keep the boy from shagging your best friend, finding out you have an STD and the whole school knows too? etc etc etc. No one is bothering to address THOSE issues in here and words, rumours and innuedo can be far more damaging to a young teen.

[~Jo~]

Lulu...i think youve really hit it on the head!!!! Those issues are huge!!!

I also would rather be looking at the issues at hand that create the underage sex (like misguided information, parents not plugged in, boredom, labuse,ack of direction etc) rather than think its normal for all teenagers to behave sexually when they are not ready for it.

Jo

[soul]

Hm I agree with those issues as well and never said they do not get talked about, none of you have any idea what we talk about here but its obvious enough that she's listened to cause again

"SHES NOT HAVING SEX"! doesnt want to yet!!!! I am repeating myself over an dover here saying that we talk abot it and I let her know that if she is going to jump into it, no thats not a persmission from me by the way, thats been protective about her not getting pregnant and diseases, that there is contraseption out there to use.

Anyway my daughter has been dumped loads of times, she doenst end up a emotional wreck over it to the point I got to get her a councellor, or I am classed as not seeing her BIg stuff bigger than the sex itself! I understand all that, but that still doenst mean I should not discuss sex with her.


So since some of you feel you know it all about teenage girls I will ask you this-


If you daughter comes to you one day, shock horror if it be your daughter, and says to you-

"My boyfriend and I have discussed sex and are going to do it" what will you say to her? And keep in mind she will go do this regardless of what you say, wether or not you think you have raised her the right way. Are you still not going to let her n the pill to be safe? or r u going to be ever so trusting that you have more say so than her boyfriend with her and she will be a good girl?

Yes I too feel I have raised strong indepedent children/girls especially but the moment she got the boy of her dreams I saw the changes grandually in her, and its to be expected they cannot be the person you wnat for the rest of there lives, they do grow and become sexually aware.

Its the mothers who dont see it coming that end up with the daughter who is pregnant and are so shocked because they swore blind there daughter would never do such a thing. I wont hide anything form my daughters I want them to know they are coverd and can look after themselves.

And yes the emotional drama of it all, is always there and in "Our" home open for discussion!

[~Jo~]

Soul please dont think I am judging you in any way shape or form, Im just coming at things from a different perspective and not talking about your dd speficially, but teenage girls in general.xxxx

Jo

[soul]

So how would you deal with it jo? What would you do? This is the question below , that I ask all mothers not you in specific!

If you daughter comes to you one day, shock horror if it be your daughter, and says to you-

"My boyfriend and I have discussed sex and are going to do it" what will you say to her? And keep in mind she will go do this regardless of what you say, wether or not you think you have raised her the right way. Are you still not going to let her on the pill to be safe? or r u going to be ever so trusting that you have more say so than her boyfriend with her and she will be a good girl?