Teenage Girls and sex

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

What would I say? I would ask why she wanted to. Same with my son - I would ask why - not physically, but emotionally and mentally. That's far more important.

Yes, sex is great, but sex is WAAAAAY better in a secure relationship, such as a marriage. I will be raising my children to know that. They will know about contraception, yes, but more about emotions and things that surround sex, not to mention the rumour mill and how it works (I had one ex-boyfriend spread a rumour I was pg, which shocked my current boyf as he got worried as to the how!).

[Phteven]

I have to say I'm finding some aspects of this thread quite interesting. I geuss I look at this issue from a very differant perspective in that I know alot of women and men who chose to remain celibate until after marriage (or are unmarried and celibate) so I don't see it as a given that woman (or man) will lose her virginity as a teenager or that she will have multiple parners before she settles down with a life-partner. I'm aware that in the current climate that this attitude is unusual and to a certain extent subversive in that rejects the sexualisation that underpins alot of our cultural discourse.
Personally I think that most young women are wise enough to understand a 2 dimensional approach. That these steps are nessescary to protect from preganacy and STDs but that a better protection is abstinence and a partner who respects them enough to not to pressure them into sex before they're ready.
I don't really agree with the stereotyping of all teenagers as moody and belligerant either. Some of the most intelligent and coherant women I know are teenagers. TBH some of them are more mature than many of the supposedly adult women I know.

[~Jo~]

I think the pill covers one aspect of teenage sex. I dont endorce any "stuff" going into our bodies. I myself dont use the pill, so its difficult in that regard. The discussions that we have had so far have leant towards...just like Sammy isnt ready to write...kids young teenagers bodies (body,mind,soul)arent ready to deal with the problems around underage sex.

Think im just gonna continue to keep the girls busy!!!!

Jo

[soul]

No sex is best till emotionally ready, but even then are we are ready for that first time and what affects is has on us, if you say yes then wholy grail your amazing! You cant teach someone how they will feel the fist time, it is impossible.

And Ryn if she still wanted to have sex even after your whys"? What then?

I had my first at 16 then had Chloe at 18 so she understands how hard it was, she is not in a rush for sex, but I still wanted her to know about the options of contraception, and I will not feel guilty for that.

No ones actually answering the question with a answer. lol because its a hard one, and we cannot predict anything for the furure till your child "IS" at that age, you can teach till the cows come home but there is no 100% garuntee that your child will not be haivng sex as a teenager.

[~Jo~]

Well it is still illegal..maybe id try that approach lol..much the same way that if she comes to me and says mum..me and my have all talked about it and we want to get drunk/use drugs this weekend. Im the parent..im not going to say..sure honey whatever...thanks for talking to me about it.

Jo

[soul]

Oh I do, I tell them they can do what they like and run the house and make all the decisions too! NOT


So you have said no as the parent would, and she doenst listen to you and still goes and does it! And you did not proctect her with contraception because you tried to explain only the emotional side to sex so you now feel that will detour her from sex. So since you did not condole that pill she gets pregnant form her first encounter of a sexual act.

Not meaning to sound like a real drag, but I have done all the educaitng I can with my daughter too, and so far she hasnt had sex, but I know its only a matter of time, so I prepare ahead, and in doing this I have had much negativity on my desiciosn as a mother form this thread. I am in the position right now, its not something I can just think ahead about and say I will do this and that, and my child will know more than just the pill. I am in the present now and I am learning that sometimes in parenthood it doenst always go the way we "Plan".

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My children are their own people, not extensions of me - I can't make them do anything, only hope to guide their actions as best I can. If my children still wanted teenage sex then I'd feel like I have failed. I can't stop them having sex, I can only try to protect them from thinking it's the most important part of a relationship or growing up.

Actually, if they did still want sex I'd show them all the graphic pics of childbirth and STDs I have lying around the house! That medical degree has to come in for something LOL. But I'm educating my boy NOW about why sleeping around is bad; he may not understand it, but he will know right from the start, since before he can remember, that sleeping around is bad and if you're not married then what's to stop your lover from leaving time and time again? Serial monogamy, as it is called, isn't the same as marital sex - comparing stories with serial monogamists, I think I have by far the better deal. I don't worry about DH if we don't have sex for a week or two. Sex just gets better and better. We don't have to come up with new ideas to keep the other interested - we are able to trust each other and share so much more than serial monogamists seem to do. Anyway. I can't stop anyone from having sex, I can only hope to educate against it. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at 16, 18, 21, 30, 40... only your attitude towards it. And if losing your virginity is more important than forming a loving, long-term, stable relationship then you aren't mature enough for sex!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

So you have said no as the parent would, and she doenst listen to you and still goes and does it! And you did not proctect her with contraception because you tried to explain only the emotional side to sex so you now feel that will detour her from sex. So since you did not condole that pill she gets pregnant form her first encounter of a sexual act.

Don't be daft. Contraception is done to death at school and emotions not at all, that's why it's important. If my baby boy at 16 wanted sex then he'd know I disapproved, he'd know he wasn't being big or clever, but he'd also know how to use a condom.

And what makes you think my children won't listen to me and respect me when I say no anyway? Maybe you brought your children up to understand Mummy doesn't mean No, but I'm not doing that!

Also, I don't condone the Pill because it screws up your fertility and cycles when you do want a baby - you need to think of that too, which you don't as a teen. It doesn't protect from STDs. It doesn't work if not taken correctly or you get a D&V bug. So you can have safe sex with out the Pill, just it won't be as good as marital sex.

[paradise lost]

If contraception is covered so completely at school, why does the UK have the highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe? Is it because all our 15 year olds are on the Pill but don't know about emotions? Or do they all have D&V bugs all the time? Clearly for all the teaching there is not enough learning. Our children DO NOT know enough about contraception.

I also still cannot see how talking about the Pill seems to be being equated with NOT talking about everything else.

I have come to realise that for me the crux of my irritation is the concept of virginity and it's intrinsic value. I don't believe in that. I don't believe a virgin is better than a non-virgin or that virginity is a state of grace to be maintained. I believe sex in life and in any given relationship should not be entered into until both partners are able to understand the possible repercussions, protect themselves against such and have feelings of love, trust and respect for one another. Whether or not they are virgins is totally irrelevant to me. Losing or saving one's virginity should not, to my mind, be part of the decision.

Ryn it might shock you but i do not spend half my life worring about DP going off with someone else or planning what new exciting thing i can do in bed to prevent it. We love each other, and are lucky enough to be able to express it physically. That is perfectly possible without marriage and sleeping with someone who you don't end up marrying needn't be emotionally damaging at all. Equally the rates of infidelity and divorce are as high as ever so it seems to me it is not the vows which make a difference but the people who said them. Nothing about marriage stops the average cheat cheating, just as nothing about serial monogamy makes a faithful type cheat.

Unless your children are stupid (which given their mother is VERY unlikely) they will know their (also a virgin) partner can't give them STD's and there are contraceptives which can protect them from pregnancy, and you might find the only effect your slide-show has is that when they DO decide to have kids they're terrified.

Lulu2 i can see if i say "want to talk about the Pill?" apropo of nothing she will do a runner, which is why i plan to answer questions openly and honestly the second she starts asking them instead of saying "i'll tell you when you're older" and finding when she IS older that the door is shut.

It is very strange to me that most of us here think that for women to have empowered, fulfilling birth experiences they need to learn about birth from a long time before they become pregnant. Does the same not go for a empowered and fulfilling sexlife?

Bec

[soul]

Firstly Ryn I think the name calling can stop right here! I am not "Daft" and I dont appreciate you calling me that. Um, your teaching your son "NOW" lmao , at all of 7 months or so old! That is laying the heavies on him at a young age dont you think?, what happend to letting them be children first!You seemed very hung up n this sex thing, I mean , not all women want to marry early in life so does that mean they should not have sex? Bloody ridiculous!

My questioining about what would you do if your child doesnt listen to you was exactly that
"A question" so dont be telling me what sort of a mother I may be, you dont know me at all, you may think your educated and all but you certainly dont know about every person on this forum and everything about life experience either. Yes you ticked me off with your hoyty toty atiitude on such knowledge that you havent even come to yet with a teenager. Its a whole differnet kettle of fish when its your own child, you can continue to predict as much as you like, but you have no idea what sort of personality your child will have in 15 or so years time! Or what the world will be like then either!I wish you all the best of luck in having that picture perfect future for your son and his attitude towards sex I really do, but please dont continue to tell me how it should be, I am not needing anyones negativity, I can handle others experiences with there teens but if you havent got them yet and are telling me how to do it and how not to do it, then I am not sure I want to listen. But if you are genuingly trying to be nice and advice courtisy, then by all means yadda away.


Bec so true!

[all girls]

Oh my Ryn you have such big ideas and plans for your child already, that can only lead to disappointment and him rebelling from you.

Soul don't listen to anyones crappy judgments, I think you are doing a great job and i think you are an inspiration to me on how i want my relationship with my daughters, i would way rather be involved in their decisions by being open and honest and trusting and i just dont get how people who don't have teenagers can tell you what you are doing is wrong I DON'T GET THAT.

You can only imagine what it is like and that would be a far stretch from how it really is.

I think it is utterly disrespectful for anyone to say that you are doing a bad job or that you are daft for choosing to parent the way you are, very rude i believe.

I felt it was a personal attack on you too and i have no idea what Ryn's sex life with her dh has anything to do with it.

Anyway like i said before i think you are doing a great job and my mum was very open with me and we still have a fantastic relationship and lets face it all we can do is guide our children so they can make the best decisions possible and that is exactly what you are doing.

[becky]

I do not think age matters at all!
Boys mature slowere than girls remember, and if he made that comment 2 years ago, I am sure he has grown up A LOT since then, and probably regrets the comment himself. I met a guy who was 28 when I was 17, and although nothing happened straight away, that was 7 years ago, and that man is now my husband and we have a DS and another on the way. I think age has no relevance at all and it depends on the individual person. As long as this boy treats your DD right! I especially dont think 4 years is a big deal at all!

[Roryrory]

Gosh. I have just spent the past half and hour reading back to page 3 of the posts (too tired to go back further. Soul, this jumped out at me:

My daughter and I sat here together and read through this, and she like me shook her head at some of the accusations as me being irresponsebile, and yes that is what some of you were more or less saying. And yet, I am trying to protect my daughter not wrap her up in cotton wool so she does not understand what choices she has out there when the time comes.

It really struck a chord with me because I don't think that a parent can ever be the font of all wisdom for their child. Either we don't know what do say, haven't been there, have problems with saying it - whatever. My point is I FIRMLY believe it takes a village to raise a child and so if you can expose your child to as many different views and experiences of others as possible, they have more or a chance of making the "right" decision when the time comes (whatever "right" may be).

I say this from the perspective of one who got all my teenage ideas about men and sex from Cosmo and Cleo (hence I have no hangups LOL!!) because my mother didn't ever discuss anything like that with me (I am not having a go at her -she had her reasons). So I went into the world of adults at about age 15 or 16 ready to have sex. There were plenty of situations where it could have eventuated (including with a 33 year old when I was 16 - OMGGGG!!) but it never did. And so when I met my DH and finally DTD with him at 19 years of age he was my first (and only). And I was his first (and only). So I am COMPLETELY aware of the fact that I have no experiences of casual sex, long-term committed but broke up sex, having sex and being dumped or sex with someone who has had previous partners. I am totally clueless. But, as I said, I am very open minded and understand that my way is not for everyone and that it is a sheer fluke that it turned out this way for me.

So Soul when I read your comment about reading this thread with your daughter I think you are doing all you can, and probably much more than most mums.

PS: Just thought I would add - the one thing my mother used to say to me about sex was "I will not accept any illegitimate grandchildren". I reminded her of this when Flynn was born (he's not illegitimate BTW - nasty word - DH and I were married nearly 12 yeasr before he was born) and mum was horrified. As she gazed lovingly at Flynn she said "but I wouldn't really have rejected an illegitimate grandchild - how could I??" I said to her I sure as hell wasn't going to test whether she would LOL!!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Can we stop having a go at me! I have my beliefs, you have yours! Fine.

Yes, I'm generalising... from what I know of REAL LIFE, not from what I hear on fora. Fine, I may only know people who are very different from the people on BB, but it does offer a different perspective. And yes, as everything I do teaches my son something now, by DH and I enjoying a hug and a kiss in front of DS and being faithful to each other does teach him something. I also did not mean "daft" as an insult, just saying that is not what will necessarily happen - something to which I will attribute to language differences and be more careful next time. Also, I didn't call your parenting daft, just your analysis of "if you say no your child will disrespect you" as that won't necessarily happen.

The reason we have high teen pregnancy rates is that kids know the mechanics but not the emotions. We don't know HOW to say "stop and put on a condom". We don't know HOW to go on the Pill. We just get told every day through the TV and magazines that sex is great and only losers don't have sex (again, we don't watch or read that sort of thing in our house, another way of educating DS). We don't get taught that it's OK to say no or insist on contraception, only that contraception is out there. Many teenagers - not all, just many - assume that it just won't happen to them (because they "did it" in the shower, or it was their first time, or they went to the loo afterwards).

Ultimately, you asked me a question, I thought about it and gave you a full answer. You don't like the answer, fine. You don't have to take it.

You know, I have seen things that happen with teenage sex. I have seen what unwanted teen pregnancies do. I have seen men bully girls into sex (men meaning over 18, girls meaning 16 and under). I am planning on educating my children there's nothing wrong with going against the grain and there's certainly nothing wrong with not having sex (despite Soul's earlier claim that it was unhealthy). Fine, they may end up only wearing clothes from one particular shop or whatever, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to at least attempt to show them another way of life. I would love my son to be individual, respectful and a gentleman, but if that doesn't happen I won't love him any less or be disappointed - after all, he's an individual so has as much right to live up to my expectations as to live up to different ones.

My mum was open with me too, we really don't have a great relationship. Talking about sex doesn't ensure our children will tell us the truth either. My experiences come from real life as although I don't have a teenager yet, I do remember my teenage years and various problems arising from underage sex/teen sex which probably has made me very jaded towards it, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed that opinion.

[soul]

ah ok

[Lisa]

Soul... Seriously, I think what you are doing with your daughter is fantastic... you are making her know that she can talk to you about anything.
From my own personal experience, I was raised to have very very high morals, and to save myself for marriage. I always knew thats what I was going to do. The subject of sex was always based on a married couple when it arose in our household. And when I got to the age of being curious about boys, I knew in myself that I wasn't going to wait until marriage. When I got to a rebelling age, the first thing I did to rebel against my parents was lose my virginity. I was way too young, but I don't regret it. My mum knows all about it. She has since relaxed her thoughts and is much happier with the fact that we can talk to her about everything. It is often a strange experience to have sex discussions with Mum after being raised the way I was, but it is a good thing, and has been very beneficial to my younger sisters and brothers (who have each only had 1 partner).
So keep up the good work Soul, and please don't ever lose the honest, communication with your daughter... at least if something does come up, she knows she can turn to you for advice, rather than some inexperienced and perhaps immature friend.

[soul]

Lisa thank you so much, sounds like you too will have this wonderful open , honest relationship with your babes as well.

I too grew up in a very strict household, so not sure why some people are thinking I was free as a bird to have my wild times, I wasnt. My mother was so against sex as she had her own hang ups that she calle dme a **** for just thinking about boys in a sexual way, which teenager do as there hormones are all over the place and no parnet can have control over that emotion! Any my sister was so scared about going ahainst my mothers wishes she went and got the pill ojn her own at 16 and therefore learnt "Nothing" about sex nor the emotions of it. I dont feel you can "Teach" someone how they should feel after they have sex, its a very personal thing, so no matter how much we think we can teach them that its all about the emotional side of it too, you justr cant, its a individual thing, and we all experience that differnetly and I tell my daughter this to.

I was raped at 14 and then met my hubbie and he is the only one I have ever had sex with, so yeah I was such a wild thing!! NOT. So its not like I had multiple partners, I had "ONe" and I am still with him, and it will be 18 years in 3 weeks time! We didnt marry till 8 years ago and whoopty do! Its about love not a damn piece of paper, that paper does not tell how much I give my heart to him, that piece of paper does not stop either partner cheating ......that paper is only to let the world know we have made it legal to committ to each other in the laws eyes, dont make me a saint in the world of sex!

My so asked me one day what does sex feel like for a women, I told him.....well you know those butterflies you get in your tummy when you are so very ecited about sowmthing you are looking forward too..........he says yeah.........I said....well double that , mixed in with your heart pouding through your chest like you could just burst into peices of the strongest love you have ever felt, and that is what sex feels like for me as a women, becuase every women will experince it differently! He was happy with that answer and now see's sex as something pure no something cheap and nasty to the other partner!

[Roryrory]

Wow Soul, the fact that your son would ask you that just confirmed my thoughts in my previous post. Good job

(Gotta admit though, when I look at my little boy who can't walk yet, I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to talk to him about sex LOL!)