Teenage Girls and sex

[soul]

My daughter turned 15 yesterday and we had a talk about this guy she likes that lives down the end of the street, he is 19, too old for her I reckon.


Do you think 19 is to old for a girl of 15?

They have known each other for years now as he lives only down the road, his parnets are very respectiful people but we had a run in with this kid two years ago when she was at his place with my oldest child, which was his friend back then, and he asked chloe to hsow him ger tits, lovley ha! But he has grown up since then and has since been petrified of my DH. My Dh has a shaved head and tattoos all over him and looks rough but is such a teddy bear now. So this kid is so scared of him lmao.

Anyway heres the story-

The last few weeks they have been hanging out at his place, he has his own place out the backyard of his parents place, he so far has behaved himself and does not talk to her rude or anything. They got talking and she said would he ever go out with her omg I was annoyed she would ask this, but anyways he said what do you parnets think about this? She told him they would be fine, omg what was she thinking, anyways he said that he thinks she is a mad chick but would rather wait till she is 16! Well we all know why because she is of consential age right? Then she said whats the differnece I will only be one year older and he goes yeah well some will think its a bit sus, what did he mean by this? But then for that whole hour he kept bringing it up and saying little comments like "do your parnets like me"......what would they think? yadda yadda, so if he was intrested in going out with her yet then why all the questions? Do you think he would date her now and is just snififng it all out first and what we would think? Or do you think he is serious and doesnt wnat to date her yet? Chloe-Mae said he kept going quite then would ask the questions when she thoght that convosation was over with. He also kept saying she was a mad chick, dont ask me what that means I htink it means nice looking!



What do you make of this?


Should I be worried?


I feel he is too old do you?


Oh if you want to know who Chloe-Mae is click on the link on photobucket under my siggy and she is the oldest girl in the photo's?



I would really love to hear some thoughts on this!


Thanks in advanced!

[mrsmac]

Interesting topic Soul and one thats on my mind a bit at the moment now that my DD (nearly 16) has a serious boyfriend who is 17 (nearly 18)
I asked my DD to read this and give her opinion as a teenage girl, she honestly thinks its suss and he only wants one thing. If he was really serious about her, he would ask her out, he wouldn't worry about her age but then again he could just be scared of your DH. Even DD thinks that 4 years at this age is far too big an age gap and why would a 19 year old want to go out with a 15 yr old.
Good luck!

[~Jo~]

Definately too old in my opinion. There is no way I would allow that for my dd..what could they possibly have in common???

Jo

[soul]

k thank your daughter for her opinion to will you! I think he is to old as well, although she looks about 17 and gets asked all the time if she is my sons mother lmao, I feel age wise too old! He keeps saying he doenst want to give her father any reason to knock his block off, omg lmao!Not that he would, just one stare freeaks people!

Its catch 22 becsause I was her age when I started dated her father and I am still with him, going on 18 years in October, and he was 3 years older than me. And she keeps saying what is one more year its nothing. nd her father is NO NO NO and I see her point to a degree as she is very mature for her age as she doesnt seem 15 when you sit and talk with her or see her with her younger siblings, she is amazing.


I just dont know, I mean he may not even want to go out with her therefore I have nothing to worry about but she is there right now, and he should be dis-couraging her fomr being there if he isnt interested in her, although friends is good!!! I just want to know his intentions and I am not going to march down there and ask him and make a fool of myself.

[soul]

~Jo~ I dont want her too but I do not want to make her feel she has to sneak behind my back either as I did and I become her enemy, as this is a very impressionable age. Unless of course you have a child that is very withdrawn , my daughter is very socialble and thats my worry. They have load sin common actually as they are both intrested in sinmilair things, age is not about whats in common in my eyes, but its his wants and needs at that age that worry me.

[paradise lost]

If he was asking to see a 13-year-old's t1ts when he was 17 he doesn't sound hugely mature. He probably couldn't GET a girlfriend more his own age as your DD is all star-struck by this big mature older guy and he ain't gonna get that with 18-19year old girls.

He MIGHT have been asking if her parents like him because he's concerned about asking her out and upsetting you guys, but equally he might just be scared he'll get chased off if he goes anywhere near her.

I went out with a 20 year old when i was 14. My parents were being "softly softly" about it. I think if they'd forbidden it and told me they valued me too highly to let me go out with some loser who has to date people 6 years younger than them i might have valued myself a bit more too. Still, we live and learn.

You could try suggesting to her that she suggests to him they hang out at YOUR place - that'll put him off if his intentions are anything but honourable.

Bx

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

When my sister was 14-15 she dated an 18-19 year old and they didn't let age of consent stop them - if I ever have a girl she's NEVER having a boyfriend LOL. Age means nothing tbh (aside from legal stuff) and if you like someone with a 50 year age gap then what's stopping you? But girls need to know they're worthy without having sex so they don't just sleep with a guy who "loves" them if they will, IYSWIM.

ETA when I was 15, I was taken out a few times by a gentleman who was 23 - yes, an 8 year gap! But he was a gentleman and didn't try anything, he was lovely! But it just wasn't meant to be, although we are still friends and I've even worked for his wife.

[soul]

Hoobley so true! He keeps asking if he is allowed to our house or will he have the door shut in his face lmao.

WELL ITS DONE, she just got home and he aksed her out, omggggggggggggg I knew it I knewwww it my gut feeling was right. She is smiling from ear to eara nd I asked ehr what did she say trying veryt very hard to stay calm and not yell and scream like I really want too, and I asked her well, and she said oh mum I am going to make him sweat this out, hm not sure why! She said she said she'll thik about it. Thank god!


He told her he is just worrid about her father, but thinks he is so cool. My hubbie will flip, I know he will.


We have had the birds and bees talk amnyt time and she knows how imprtant it is to keep herself safe. She is determined to keep her flower as a bud till she is 18 and I know she will because she is never out of a boyfriend and is still very much a virgin and she also thinks in her mind that if she is 18 the pain will not be so bad as her body has finished growing, I let her think that for now, I told her it will still hurt but she thinks it will hurt less if she has finished growing so so be it. She siad she told him she is not interested in sex as yet and he said thats cooll, yeah right! We'll see.

[mrsmac]

He may genuinely like her and not push her into anything but its a tough one isn't it? I would let her bring him to your place and let him see that you are involved in her life and are important to her. I think that forbidding it will just send it "underground" and make him even more desirable to her.

[all girls]

Oh soul you are such a great mum, I cant believe how cool and calm you are being and trust me it will all work in your favour, you sound like you have such a great relationship and she may even let you know when and if she does start the physical side of things. Maybe discuss the pill and say that you really want her to go on the pill a couple of months before she starts having sex and then when she comes to you wanting to go to the dr at least you will know (just an idea)

I have 4th daughter on the way and this has been on my mind for a long time (still have a while to go until Im where you are i hope) it is really hard to imagine them having a relationship let alone sex.

Good luck you are doing such a great job!!

[paradise lost]

Soul why not have her bring him over - she can tell him she doesn't want to decide until her parents have met him properly and spent some time with him - that way she's still "in control" but she is demonstrating to him that she can't be pushed about by him and that her family matters to her.

When he's there you don't need to be mean, you can, however, since she is underage, ask them both together what they think about underage sex. Yup, she'll be mortified and he won't know where to look, but you can say "we don't have secrets in this family" so again, he knows that she's not gonna hide stuff from you and her father. Talk about how bright her future is and how you don't want her to do anything before she is ready, and ESPECIALLY not have a baby very early when there are lots of opportunities for her to enjoy life before she setles down with kiddies. When is she 16? I know ATM it's a legality thing, but i really did make better choices about sex after i was 16 than before. FAR better.

I think so long as all the communication lines are kept open and they both know that you're expecting to behave responsibly and within the law, you should be ok. I sure wish my mum had had skills beyond calling me a **** and not speaking to me for a month when i was 14.

Bx

[soul]

Hoobley wrote-

I sure wish my mum had had skills beyond calling me a **** and not speaking to me for a month when i was 14.

OMG that is exact;y what happend to me, exactly with my mother!Although my mother threw me out and disowned me and I end up pregnant and living in a squat, anyway no feel sorry for me moments here, just wanted to say I had the smae type of mother!

[soul]

well the good news is she is not going to date him, I went and had a shower and she did her usual and parked her bum on the toilet seat and we had a chat about it all, I asked her what she really felt about him , she said she liked him, not good enogh I thought she is not acting like a girl inlove to me or even remotley attracted to him, there was no reall sparks. So I said to her, do you get butterflies when you see him or does your heart pound really fast, and she said no it doesnt then I said sweetie then he isnt the one for you its just the idea of haivng someone more isnt it and she said yes. I told her that she hsould have those magical feelings and if she doenst then that is her inner self letting her know that there really isnt anyhting between them. I told her she shuod still be friendswith him though as friends are always great to have and if things chance then so be it, and if so then get him to wait till you are 16 then that will really prove if he respects you by waiting.

all girls thank you so very much, your a darling! We have actually offered her the pill several times but she really is adminent that she is going to save herself. I have explained to her that sex is more than just physical I explaoned that it comes iwth a whole heavy range of emotions and at her age she shouldn't and wouldnt wnat to have to deal with them, she should enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about wether she could be pregnant this month or a sexually transmitted disease because she is way to young to be so resposonsable to keep regular check ups at the docs and taking the pill everyday. My hubbie took her to our fmaily doc and they all had a talk about it and Chloe-Mae was offered the choice and she said she really wanst ready fot that responsabilty yet, and she realy did want to let her body finish devloping first. The doctor told her that that is a more mature approach than the girls having sex and that she shuld be proud of herself. I agreed with that!! LOL. So she has the prescription there if she needs it but she really is strong about not being ready yet and savinbg her flower as she calls it till it fully bloomed so to speak!


I am soooooooooooo happy I am so gald I listened to my gut instincs as it never lets me down, and I really dont have the best feeling about this boy, I cant help it even though I think he is a nice kid, something just doenst feel right to me so I am gald chloe-Mae listened to me and is listening to her innerself about it too!

Thank you so much ladies for being there!

[paradise lost]

Yeah, i noticed from a few things you've said before we had similar childhoods in some ways. I was abused me for years and while my mum didn't openly blame me she did "forget" to mention in when she had the whole family up in arms about the abuse my abuser had been suffering at the hands of a teacher (which is why he abused me - understandable but it doesn't mean i didn't hurt too). I had so little self worth by the time i was 14 i would basically have slept with any guy because i thought that you had to.

I can remember when i was 12 or 13 my dad was sent to talk to me about periods (mum was 43 when she had me and just was terrible at discussing it all without getting really angry or shutting down, in fact i wonder if she too was abused) and i was thinking i wish he'd get on with it and rape me, i couldn't stand the build up. My poor dad has only ever loved me and had no idea, even after we told mum, what had happened. SHe never told him. I had to tell him, after she'd died, in a shopping centre because i thought he knew already. So intensely painful i can't express it. I could cry now thinking about it, and about his face as his emotions shut down and about him saying "oh but that's just doctors and nurses, all kids do that" and me whispering "he was 16 when it stopped" and him changing the subject and him, the next day, crying and crying and begging me to forgive him for not knowing and for his initial reaction. Awful.

When i told my mum i'd gone on the Pill (which she'd have NEVER approved of or helped with) at 14 she told me i was a ****. When at 15 i got a serious UTI and kidney infection she wouldn't take me to the doctor because he'd apparently know i was having sex (WTF!?) and instead threw a cystitis cure at me and told me to "lay off the sex". I wasn't even having sex at that point. I can remember weeks of sitting on the loo feeling like i had a hot stone in my bladder, ****ing blood and crying with shame.

She would never have kicked me out but it was always made obvious that we should behave in a way she could cope with or just not tell her. She was very loving and positive in a lot of ways, just with sex she couldn't cope. The more i think of it, the more it seems like she had her own unresolved issues there. I hope i make a better mother for Smee.

Bx

[soul]

Sweetie if there is forgivness in your heart then your mothering will be better than you imagined! Its anger that does not allow one to move forward, and its anger that eats at ones souls, I have forgiven my abuser, not to his face but within my heart. We have a very similair background, so I know your pain, time heals it but the heart never forgets right? So long as we keep our hearts open, then we will never lose our self worth. My mother did not believe me that her brother could do such a thing and told me I wa a lier or I must have caused it myself, and I too feel she was abused too, but I pitty her more than ever, I pitter her because she will never know the love of a mother child relationship like I do now!

[paradise lost]

Oh i forgave him years ago, to his face - he was abused too, i'm sure his abusing me was a natural response if not pleasant for me. My mum's dead so i'm not angry at her, what's the point? SHe did great in some areas and we loved each other, i think she just couldn't cope with it all, you know? I still feel sad sometimes at what happened, but i'm far more angry for instance that my dad was left out of the loop than from my point of view. He was so hurt.

I guess you don't know how you'll feel about stuff until it happens. I mean, just now i know how i want to be when Smee tells me she's going on the pill, but will i actually be that way when it happens? LOL. Time will tell i guess.

Bx

[soul]

i'm sure his abusing me was a natural response if not pleasant for me.

Not quite sure what that bit meant sweetie can you explain to me so I understand what you meant?

[paradise lost]

Voilence breeds violence, hate begets hate, abuse spawns abuse. He wasn't able to cope with the pain he was in so he kicked down. I was next down. He was only 9 when he began abusing me (i was 5) and it started relatively harmlessly. I'm sure he abused me because he was abused - 9 year olds don't know about anal sex or oral sex unless someone shows them, be it through abuse or letting them have innapropriate material.

The vast majority of abusers are not true paedophiles (those who believe they are in love with or in a loving relationship with children, and that the children are knowing participants) but are in fact once-abused people visiting their rage and feelings of fear and helplessness on their victims. Apparently those who aren't truly paedophiles are always past sufferers of abuse, but true peadophiles are only more likely to have been abused (rather than definitely have been). What my abuser took from me he took because his abuser had taken it from him. This not only taught him "what to do" but gave him a reason to do so. I thnk when he abused me he felt empowered in a way he felt disempowered when he was abused.

I don't think it excuses child abuse (who should know better the damage it does than a former victim afterall) but it does explain it.

Bec