my 11 yr old thinks she is everyones mum but sometimes shes a great help but then somedays its just too much .
my 13 yr goes through stages at the moment shes ok i can actually talk to her but somedays she scares me the way she chucks a tanty and my 11 yr old the same i might as well have twins cause there both going through the same thing .
i just hate the way they talk to me there treating me like crap
Thats not good Jessabel, my DD may dismiss my ideas or look at me like I'm so out of touch but she is basically polite to me eg she would never swear at me or say horrible things to me.
I just had the biggest argument with DD....she went to my sisters for the weekend, and I went to put her clothes away yesterday and her room was a pigsty, I said to her she had to clean her room tonight and her job is to clean the kitchen, she went into her room at 6.30 pm and I thought she was cleaning, she hadnt done the kitchen either well I went to lay down at 7 as I had a bad headache, Cooper woke me up at 9 he was screaming so I went into him I opened DD door to see how much she had done and tell her dont forget the kitchen, well sh was asleep with her TV on and ipod in her ears, hadnt touched her room, so I woke her up and told her to get out and do the kitchen I took the TV out of her room and took her Ipod off her aswell, told her she doesnt get the tv back for a month and can have her ipod back when the room is done, she cracked it, about half hour ago my mum rings me to see what is going on, she then used her mobile and called my mum REVERSE CHARGES to say she hates me and wants to go live with her and how we dont let her do anything the list just goes on and on, so now she has also had her phone taken away. TEENAGES
Oh Mel you poor thing. Hopefully your mum supports you? I miss my mum terribly now that DD is a teen cause I have noone to ask how I was and what she did (Dad is very self centred and doesn't remember anything that doesn't directly involve him and i hated him as a teen)
I need to make a confession now, this is something I am embarrassed about so don't usually discuss but my DD now lives with my dad (her grandad) a km away because the situation between her and DH got out of hand- they both hate each other and it was doing my head in. I am not completely happy with her at dads cause he has a new girlfriend and spends heaps of time with her and doesn't seem to look after Jess (I know its not his job) Jess refuses to come back cause DH is so mean to her (he is, he has told me she no longer exists to him) DH is not her biological father but has been there since she was 6, her biological dad vanished without trace when she was 2 1/2. I know there are jealousy issues between them and he found all these sms she sent saying how much of a b@stard he was and how he was her step monster etc (he has never ever referred to her as anything but his DD) I know he is hurt but he is so immature about it.
Anyway sorry ramble over, just pointing out that even though she may not swear at me and hate me things are pretty bad here with regards to my mothering skills.
I did read that book that someone recommended (i think it was you mrsmac) princess b!tchface syndrome... and it did help put some perspective on the situation.
Laura has recently had AF start - and was extremely impressed with how she handled it all, much better then I did when i started. I think AF might be about to pay a visit again soon, she is as moody as all hell, and the attitude - OMG!! the way she speaks to EVERYONE in the house is driving me nuts. I could slap her! Bossing around her brother constantly, moaning about DH (who is her step-dad ... so I hear you mrsmac - the whole blended family thing ugrh!! my DH behaves the same, and I'm like HELLO who is the adult here!!!!) and basically behaving like she is the most hard done by child in the universe.
Mel - we do the same thing when laura misbehaves - take away the things that are important to her - music, phone. and be consistent with it. I have actually stopped myself from engaging with her when she is arguementive, i found it only excerbates the situation - its hard, because all i want to do is yell back at her you ungratefull so and so... but I state the facts, and then if I have to walk away.
It did get worse before it got better though, and will probably get worse again, but at the moment I can actually see her thinking "right, if I keep going here I'm the one who is going to suffer the consequences of my own actions..so maybe I should just stop..."
My son Nathan is the one who cops it the most, i liken it to the whole pack thing - you know, he is the next down in line, so when she is p!ssed at mum and dad, instead of turning it on them, she turns it on him. and then of course, he can stir her mercilessly... with great delight!!
Laura and I got a book sent to us for our birthdays (which are close together) kaz Cook's Girl Stuff. It really is a great book, and has been the point of departure for many conversations between us. Even when I don't think she is listening (got that pinched expression her face that says loud and clear WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW MUM!) she really is, and quite often comes back and apologises for her words, or will start a conversation about whatever it was I was saying....
for the moment I really do think the biggest difference to how she is behaving has more to do with how I am behaving... if that makes sense. It is hard believe me, to not engage in it, but if I want her to learn how to manage her own behaviour, I have to model it. so its been good for me too. I think the fact that I could hear myself in her tone, and behaviour made me actually cringe - and take a step back and go whoa, hang on a minute, no use talking the talk, but not walking the walk.
anyway, that's where we are at at the moment...tomorrow may be totally different, and I could be pulling my hair out again, in the mean time I will enjoy the reprieve while its on!
Mrs Mac, DD is not DH's either, I left her dad when I was pregnant and DH has been around since she was 2. I was going to put her up for adoption when I was pregnant and my family talked me out of it saying I would regret it ect, as at the time I was in no frame of mind to raise a child still clubbing 4 nights ect, Mum said she would raise her I would have unlimited access to her ect and she would always Know that I was her mum. In reality it has been a lot different yes she hasnt stopped me seeing her and she knows I am her mum, but my sisters have also all played apart is raising her making decions ect and she calls my mum mum not me (that is the thing that hurts the most). All was working out like this til last year when Cooper was born and an argument she had in the shops with my mum becasue she couldnt get her own way (mum spoilt her rotten) so she decided that she wanted to live with us, um phoned me and we discussed the situation she had 2 weeks of the school term to go, grade 7 then half a semester, we tried to tell her stay there till primary schhol finished and high school with us but she wouldnt and came to us that weekend, She doesnt understand that has been changes for everyone, Cody is noticing he is no longer the oldest ect and DH says when she isnt here it is so peaceful (it is) if she doesnt get her own way straight on the phone to mum ect her says she isnt getting involved but she does, so in saying thatis making it difficult for everyone. We cant get her to do dishes clean her room or anything as mum did absolutley everything for her. Anyway best go gotto do the school run.
KAZ KOOKE .....Girl stuff my dad got her that for Christmas I might actually read it today.
Mel - it sounds like she is testing your boundaries - big time! another brilliant book that I read, and saved my sanity was Boundaries with Kids. It is a christian book - so there are bibilical references in it, but having said that, I'm not a christian, and tended to flick over them. it doesnt take away from the overall messages - which basically that actions have conseqences and taking responsiblity for your own behaviour and the choices you make- now and when you grow up. after I had read the book I sat down with Laura and nathan and told them that this was what would be happening. this was about 4 years ago. and yes we still have our ups and downs, but overall things are monumentally better. it did get worse before it got better, but I just kept reminding myself that I was over the fighting, yelling and nagging... and it got me through.
the whole blended family thing is painful and has a unique dynamic all of its own!! often I feel like I have two families - one with DH and aston, the other with laura nathan and aston... drives me nuts!
I'm glad you took her phone off her, and the other things, be consistent with her, you have done the right thing, no matter how much she yells at you, YOUR THE MUM and you make the rules. She may have been able to do what she wanted when and where when she was with your mum, but she chose to come and live with you, so she has to live by your rules. Hang in there Mel. have a look at Kaz Cooke, see if you can get a copy of Boundaries with Kids, and talk talk talk... and I know how hard it is - but DONT engage with her when she is being arguementive.... just repeat after me... "when you are ready to talk to me calmly I'll be ready to listen..." and walk away.
Just reading this (in terror since my teen (in 11 years...) DD will have a step daddy and a daddy....) and wanted to share with you Mel, something my own mother did to my sister when she wouldn't do her chores. Sis was supposed to do the dishes. If she didn't my mother would serve her meals on dirty plates. Not everyone's, just hers. So she would "get" the link between her inaction and the consequence of it. Sis was 14 at the time and within two meals was doing her chores.
I will admit that since we had our own rooms, mum let us keep them however we wanted, but she didn't go in there either - like if we wanted clothes washing we either did it ourselves or put them in the family washing basket (which we took turns at sorting/washing). She did not come in our rooms to rescue our clothes and she insisted on correct attire. i.e. if you left your school uniform on the floor on Friday you went in stinky and crumpled on Monday...
I'm 19 (20 in March) and i can honestly say, chicks don't seem to get out of the whole teenager thing until they hit 17.
I didn't till then, and my little sister Lulu had only just gotten out of it, and she turns 17 tomorrow. Haha
Oh, and my 10 year old little sister Pipi is just getting into it.
Lulu and I made our mum's life hell while we were in that stage. Fights over everything, yelling "i hate you!!! you don't understand me!!!" Lol.
But don't worry ladies, one day, your daughters will grow up, realise how b**chy they were, and apologise. And realise, that even after everything, you did know what you were talking about, and you did understand, simply because you went through the exact same thing.
My mum and i are closer than ever, especially now i've moved out and i'm pregnant.
Mum's my best friend. And i always say to her how amazed i am that she didn't take a shovel to our heads. Honestly, we were bad, gotta love the fiery european blood huh?
Don't worry, it's hard, but it'll end eventually. And then you'll have a daughter who will one day say, "i am SO sorry for my teenage years mum. I should have listened to you, because you were right"
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