Just a vent...

[bec83]

Hey Kim,
Glad you got ur chance to vent too! Its surprisingly helpful I think! One of my SILs (DH has 3 sisters!) actually suggested i get onto a forum. She's wonderful, and openly admits she has no understanding about what we've been thru, but is so supportive whatever way she can be.

As it gets closer to DH getting home from Iraq I'm getting more excited about the idea of trying again, and trying not to think about the worrying side of it all! Last night, i was babysitting my 3 nephews - 4, 18mths, 2mths. It was actually the first time i've ever had to look after a baby under 1 on my own! It was really good for me I think. It was almost like a 'practice' to see how I went feeding and getting a baby to sleep and all that stuff. It really helped me accept the fact that, yes, i DO want to try again, even if it means more heartache - it would be worth it for the chance at having a baby. I think for a little while I've been too scared to admit to myself I do want to try again. And when DHs older sister asks when we're trying, I am trying not to get so defensive! I just dont like them knowing we're going to be trying, because its so much pressure!

My family have been supportive in their own way - Im in QLD and they're in Tas, and they dont pretend to have any magic cures, which i apperciate. DHs family, who all live very close by, are generally OK, but sometimes a bit insensitive, if not dismissive of how we feel. I think its harder with DH's family, because they all have kids - we have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, aged from 4yo to 2mths! And DHs youngest sister is pg now, and only had her first baby in Jan...

Aaaah...families...!!!

[Footsteps]

bec,
sorry to hear of your losses but i wanted to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel my sister had 10 m/c and she gave birth to a healthy boy in aug 07 im not saying it was a easy pregnancy for her she was on bedrest for the whole time and was in and out of hospital with bleeding etc. are you seeing a fertility specialist? she found out she had a weak cervix and i think problems with and antibodies attacking the baby. im not sure what to say but i do know it can happen and it does for you.
take care and best wishes rach xxxxx

[Uncle Amy]

Bec,
I'm sorry you are going through this, i understand. I went to my nephews first birthday party directly after leaving hospital from the d&c. Words cant describe.
Also, before getting pregnant i had bumped into an old work aquaintence and we had an impromtu chat about us both wanting to have kids - it was an unusual conversation for us to be having, and later I was told she had fallen pregnant I was so happy because so had I. The next time I saw her, I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she had this tiny little belly and everyone was talking about it - it was so hard to hold back the tears and pretend to be happy - i mean I was, but so regretful at the same time, so sad, angry. I managed to congratulate her genuinely and also managed to leave unnoticed, but not before the tears, I heaved into sobs as I pushed the door to leave, ran to the car.

A year later i was at another worksite, co-incidently working closely alongside her husband. She brought her DS in after work. Even though i could play with him and chat with them, something inside broke. I had told none of my work aquaintences about the pregnancy, and I didn't even tell my housemate who I occasionally worked with - we fought soon after the MC when my dog escaped from the backyard and I diddn't find out until she had got home - I lost my mind then - first the baby, then the dog . . .!!!!

So this year later, and I'm working with the husband and my old housemate, and this thing inside me broke as I held him. I had no idea what it was, but at the end of a long long night, I sat with my old housemate and finally cried, I let the tide rip and I told her about how I'd concieved at the same time as "_", and how I had a MC and how that all tied in with me leaving our house and the dog getting lost, and now I meet her DS coz I'm working with her DH and . . . OH my GAD!!!!

It sounds all really crazy, but it all makes sense in the end. you might not see it now but life has this incredible tendancy to be poetic. I wish you all best, and heart-felt love and to your two angel babies too

[Uncle Amy]

Oops, I just read it back, and I missed the bit about how incredible it felt after my housemate and I had talked. We cried and held eachother and I didn't feel BETTER per se, but I felt differently. The world changed - not for the better - but for the clearer IYKWIM. Time is a great healer, and THATS what had happened, I had healed from the experience - yeah sure I wish I never HAD the experience! It never goes away, but neither does the understanding that life/time gives you. I have 2 angel babies also, I see them as siblings of my DS, they will never leave us. They are incredible gifts for my DS!

[Nova]

So sorry to hear about your losses!

I have found myself feeling the same way and then feeling so guilty about it! The last time I flew home to visit family, I was still bleeding from my m/c while on the airplane, and trying to put on a happy smile at Christmas but sneaking into the bathroom to cry. Now we're going home for another visit and my two SILs are pregnant and my best friend. I worry about how I will feel when I see them. I want to only feel joy at their blessings, but it is so complicated.

My DH was in the military as well, I know how hard it is to be seperated, especially during such a hard time. My DH was out of town when I m/c and it was heartbreaking for both of us and harder still to be apart. I'm so happy to hear your DH will be home with you again soon. Enjoy every minute together! Good luck to you!

[Vanaithi]

Bec - i can not beat what the other ladies here have already said - they're wonderful words!

All i have to add is: when your dh comes back, go on a nice little trip somewhere away from the rest of the family!

preferably somewhere cold with a nice little wood fire to cosy up too...

& dont forget to bring along some prg vitamins like blackmores conceive well, good food & wine... & just enjoy each other!

[bec83]

That sounds like a really good plan...!!! Hahaha! It will be wonderful having him home, Im just trying not to think about the whole TTC thing too much and just be happy he's home, not just for his baby making capabilities!!!
I've started on the pg vitamins now im preparation tho, since we're not 'not trying' u never know I must say tho, its not hte falling pg that stresses me out, its staying pg. Both times we fell pg really easily, really - once we got our timing right and were in teh same country and state at the right time! I hate that this has really tainted the possibility of us being unreservedly excited about being pg, and i hate that now its always in my mind - just because u get that positive test doesnt mean you'll have a baby'. I feel way too cynical for my liking!!!
2 weeks today and he's home...AF is just leaving, so it could be possible to get utd his first night home!!! Im not thinking about that tho...! Hahaha!

Thanks so much ladies for all of your kind words and support. Its really comforting hearing from other ppl who have been thru it, and worse even