Just a vent...

[Uncle Amy]

Bec,
I'm sorry you are going through this, i understand. I went to my nephews first birthday party directly after leaving hospital from the d&c. Words cant describe.
Also, before getting pregnant i had bumped into an old work aquaintence and we had an impromtu chat about us both wanting to have kids - it was an unusual conversation for us to be having, and later I was told she had fallen pregnant I was so happy because so had I. The next time I saw her, I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she had this tiny little belly and everyone was talking about it - it was so hard to hold back the tears and pretend to be happy - i mean I was, but so regretful at the same time, so sad, angry. I managed to congratulate her genuinely and also managed to leave unnoticed, but not before the tears, I heaved into sobs as I pushed the door to leave, ran to the car.

A year later i was at another worksite, co-incidently working closely alongside her husband. She brought her DS in after work. Even though i could play with him and chat with them, something inside broke. I had told none of my work aquaintences about the pregnancy, and I didn't even tell my housemate who I occasionally worked with - we fought soon after the MC when my dog escaped from the backyard and I diddn't find out until she had got home - I lost my mind then - first the baby, then the dog . . .!!!!

So this year later, and I'm working with the husband and my old housemate, and this thing inside me broke as I held him. I had no idea what it was, but at the end of a long long night, I sat with my old housemate and finally cried, I let the tide rip and I told her about how I'd concieved at the same time as "_", and how I had a MC and how that all tied in with me leaving our house and the dog getting lost, and now I meet her DS coz I'm working with her DH and . . . OH my GAD!!!!

It sounds all really crazy, but it all makes sense in the end. you might not see it now but life has this incredible tendancy to be poetic. I wish you all best, and heart-felt love and to your two angel babies too

[Uncle Amy]

Oops, I just read it back, and I missed the bit about how incredible it felt after my housemate and I had talked. We cried and held eachother and I didn't feel BETTER per se, but I felt differently. The world changed - not for the better - but for the clearer IYKWIM. Time is a great healer, and THATS what had happened, I had healed from the experience - yeah sure I wish I never HAD the experience! It never goes away, but neither does the understanding that life/time gives you. I have 2 angel babies also, I see them as siblings of my DS, they will never leave us. They are incredible gifts for my DS!

[Nova]

So sorry to hear about your losses!

I have found myself feeling the same way and then feeling so guilty about it! The last time I flew home to visit family, I was still bleeding from my m/c while on the airplane, and trying to put on a happy smile at Christmas but sneaking into the bathroom to cry. Now we're going home for another visit and my two SILs are pregnant and my best friend. I worry about how I will feel when I see them. I want to only feel joy at their blessings, but it is so complicated.

My DH was in the military as well, I know how hard it is to be seperated, especially during such a hard time. My DH was out of town when I m/c and it was heartbreaking for both of us and harder still to be apart. I'm so happy to hear your DH will be home with you again soon. Enjoy every minute together! Good luck to you!

[Vanaithi]

Bec - i can not beat what the other ladies here have already said - they're wonderful words!

All i have to add is: when your dh comes back, go on a nice little trip somewhere away from the rest of the family!

preferably somewhere cold with a nice little wood fire to cosy up too...

& dont forget to bring along some prg vitamins like blackmores conceive well, good food & wine... & just enjoy each other!

[bec83]

That sounds like a really good plan...!!! Hahaha! It will be wonderful having him home, Im just trying not to think about the whole TTC thing too much and just be happy he's home, not just for his baby making capabilities!!!
I've started on the pg vitamins now im preparation tho, since we're not 'not trying' u never know I must say tho, its not hte falling pg that stresses me out, its staying pg. Both times we fell pg really easily, really - once we got our timing right and were in teh same country and state at the right time! I hate that this has really tainted the possibility of us being unreservedly excited about being pg, and i hate that now its always in my mind - just because u get that positive test doesnt mean you'll have a baby'. I feel way too cynical for my liking!!!
2 weeks today and he's home...AF is just leaving, so it could be possible to get utd his first night home!!! Im not thinking about that tho...! Hahaha!

Thanks so much ladies for all of your kind words and support. Its really comforting hearing from other ppl who have been thru it, and worse even

[bec83]

Hi ladies,
Just wanted to add to my previous posts -feeling very very guilty right now, my SIL, who i adore, and is 9wks pg with her second baby has just told me she's had some 'suspicious' spotting. What she has described to me is exactly how my last m/c happened, but even tho I had that part of me wished it would happen to someone else, now its possible, I do not want them to go thru what we did. She has a 5mth old DD to look after already, and even tho this pg wasnt exactly planned, yet, it was so precious to them.
My stomach is aching with guilt for even thinking i wanted someone else in the family to know how this feels. I know whatever happens its not got to do with me, but YKWIM. At the same time, if nothing happens, Im not sure how i'll deal with that. If they go thru the same stuff we did, but get to have their baby, I know that will still feel unfair. Does any of this make any sense whasoever or am i just an AWFUL person?!

[Bel]

Hi Bec,
I've never posted here before but I really do belong in here too. I too have suffered 2 losses and I know your pain so well. I mainly post in the LTTTC and assisted conception thread. I'm sure we've chatted in there before. But today is my 4th last day in the TWW thread so I'm going a bit crazy and snooping round. Probably like a lot of ladies here I belong in many threads really!!

So...your feelings of guilt today. I know what you are going through. You really don't want your SIL to m/c but you just feel like why is it always you who has to go through the pain. I get that. I've had friends pg and give birth since my time TTC and boy are you filled with mixed emotions. Happiness for them, jealous it isn't you. Questioning why you have had to suffer twice when these people have just fallen pg so easily and often not planned.

Do not beat yourself up. The mind plays funny games and I'll tell you this last few weeks my own head has been driving me crazy! Seriously crazy!

Cut yourself a bit of slack. You aren't a bad person. You just want to fall pg and have that mean that a healthy baby will be in your arms in 9 months..I get it.

Maybe I'll post here a bit more. Sounds like this could be my home too!!

Take care of yourself and your heart
Hugs Bel