just wanted to shower this thread with positivity and brighter tomorrows
along with lifting up daisies of courage and unwavering belief
lots of hugs!!
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just wanted to shower this thread with positivity and brighter tomorrows
along with lifting up daisies of courage and unwavering belief
lots of hugs!!
I think I need help!
I had a missed m/c in July. I had a couple of really hard weeks afterwards but then felt pretty ok for a while. This week I've hit rockbottom. I can't seem to lift myself out of this depression I feel and at the same time, really wish I could just snap out of it. I think about what happened ALL day! This last month we started ttc again. I was really hopeful as we conceived the first time last time but just got my period yesterday - so feeling really blah now! I can't help but feel that everything will be alright if I was pregnant again now.
I am really struggling with the news that other friends are falling pregnant - it is not that I am not happy for them (I am elated for them) but I don't react to their news the way a 'normal' person would and I really do not like that about myself - how do other people cope with this?? I feel really selfish and self-centred reacting the way I do - it makes the pain of what happened come to the forefront again when I hear them talk about their scans and symptoms etc. and I just can't deal with it. It seems the closer I get to what would have been my 'due date' the worse I get. My mum really wants me to get counselling - has anyone else seen a counseller after m/c and did it help?? I just can't imagine that there is anything that anyone can say to me that will make me feel better??
Sorry, I feel like i'm venting here and it's not a very uplifting post either! I just feel like I have noone to talk to - that the people around me expect me to be over it by now and don't understand the anguish I still feel and how/why I would still be so upset.
I would be greatful for any advice.
Thankyou,
Rachel
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I feel the same.
Hi Rachel,
I thought I was the only one who felt alone. I have felt exactly the same way as you on and off for the last 12 months. I conceived after 2 months of trying and then m/c in Nov 2007 at 6 weeks. It was such a traumatic time and I was so sad and couldn't stop crying. I too felt ok after a few weeks and thought I was 'getting over it' but it isn't quite that simple. I threw myself into work to try and forget about it but all I could think about was the baby my DH and I had lost. I felt so guilty like I had done something wrong and I felt like I had let my DH down. This wasn't true at all and he was so wonderfully supportive, I was very lucky to have him.
I guess what I am trying to say is that if you feel you need counselling, do it. I really wish I had but at the time I thought I could handle it and everything would be ok, especially once I feel pregnant again.
12 months on (almost) and we are still TTC and everytime I get my period I still get upset and down for a few days.
It seems like everyone in the world is pregnant or just had a baby. I am so happy for anyone that falls pregnant but as I smile and say congratulations my heart is breaking because I want to be pregnant as well!
I must sound so mean but I am really a nice person and hate being jealous and bitter. It's not just me but I can't help feeling that way.
Sorry I hope I haven't made you feel worse. Just know that what you are feeling is completely normal and if I have learnt anything over the last 12 months it is that you can't control how you feel in this situation and people who have never had a m/c will never fully understand.
I wish you and your DH all the luck in the world and will keep my fingers crossed for you.
I know it is hard but don't give up hope!
Mel
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Mel1979 - Welcome to the thread. Just like we tell everyone else, we hope your stay here is short. Sorry that you've had to join us but glad you found us.
For all who are TTC - get ready to catch - I think it's about time to throw somearound. For those that AF is visiting (grab some and put it in your pocket, you're gonna need it soon.
For ourfriends
and
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Hi ladies,
thought i would pop in and spread some
and a big
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Misbec-Sorry for your loss,you have come to the right place for support.
Larz- Glad everything went well at your u/s.
Megsmum- Thanks will probably test again today, Hope your 2ww ends with a BFP.
Krystie- Hope your m/s is starting to go
Easha- Sorry witch af showed up
mel1979-
Big hello to Angel,Mollycat,Jen,Mollycat,Hannah,Ajc,Plc,Mannie, Milla,21andttc,Fifi and anyone else ive missed
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Megsmum Glad to hear that your IUI went wellhope you get your BFP positive this month. Lucky you $400 worth of summer clothes that must have been a great day of shopping but think you deserve it.
Kirstylove Glad to hear you and Chyan are doing great
Missbec
Easha I am so sorry darling. AF showed up for me today to and I was devastated the last two days my BB had been hurting and AF was three days late so I thought there maybe a possibility. I feel so depressed, I was really hoping for a BFP.
Jen
Mollycat Glad that AF has left the building for you and hopefully for another 9 months. Sounds like this could be your month with your lunar being in-sync with your cycle.
Rach Hope you are feeling better sweetie. I'm sorry you have had to go through this. We all understand how hard it is. I hope your stay here isn't long and you get your little miracle.
AFM AF showed up today 3 days late! If she is going to show up she could at least be on time. So I am a little bit depressed today and cant fight the tears. DH is at work so feeling lost and lonely. I start my 1st cycle of clomid so hoping that might help with my long cycles. I'm
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Tam83....... Watch that Clomid hun...... what level are you on..... By night 3 i was holusinating (yeah I know I ve probably spelt it wrong... but I have teach 1, 2 and 3 who can correct it) anyway I was having all sorts of weird things going on that night..... but it did its job and thank God you only have to have them for 5 days. As for AF....... well what can I say... she is just spoiling everything this month.... I think its time she got a bit of a B1tch slap. :yeahthat: . Turned up for me last week..... and since then has spoiled everything for everyone....
Esha.... same again.... there is nothing to do and nothing to say.... it sucks beyond words...... you would think we would get used it it but each time she turns up its a hope and a dream that dies again. Then 25 to 28 days later she does it to us again..... The only thing that keeps us going is that each month for one of us she doesnt turn back up..... so by "doing the numbers" it has to be that your month will come soon...... has to be.
Rachel..... There is not a person in here that hasnt stood there congratulating someone while their heart was breaking...... wishing it was them..... every time I see a Pregnant lady its like i want to question her... to make sure she deserves it. Yet every time someone i m close to finds out she is Pregnant I am soooooo thrilled for her..... Like with BB and Krystie.... on this thread.....I cant wait until I catch up with them again.... they will be SOOOO fat by thenvery very Pregnant but I am so looking forward to it..... Less than a month and Aunty Angel is on her way....... It doesnt change the fact that I wish it were me but it also doesnt change the fact that I m thrilled for them. Now to a lot of people that would make no sense at all...... but to people on here it will make perfect sense. It doesnt make me a mean person..... I dont wish it was me instead of them.... it doesnt change who I am.... It just makes me who I am which is understandable considering the shoes I wear.
Mel...... Please dont be to hard on yourself.... the more you chat to the ladies in here the more you will see that everyone here knows and understands... its a bit strange at first... but you will realise that what you are thinking and feeling is pretty much exactly what we either have already felt or still do feel.
Milla and MissBec..... We have had far to many new ladies on this post this week....... I hope your stay is getting just a tad easier....
Well thats enough from me for now...... always careful about how much I post incase i lose it.......
To everyone else... HUGE hugs...
Ohhh and Jen Jen... I m stalking your chart
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Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. It's nice to be able to share my thoughts/fears with all of you!
Thanks for listening. Hope we all get to share good news with each other very soon.....
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Hi Everyone.....
A new thread deserves lots of
Well back to renovation update...... We now have a sliding door to ....nowhere. (actually it will be to the ensuite) Dh has headed off fishing with a mate, (but his mate swears he will come in tomorrow and help do some work to the new room). He'd better or he'll have me to deal with....... It's good to see some work being done in the room. It feels like it's been forever since anything has been done.
AF has eased off with the headaches, so a couple more days and she should be on her way out the door (hopefully not to return for a long long time).
Jen - take a little time over the weekend to have a rest - you've been so busy with school you deserve it. Sorry, still can't get java to work on this computer, will have to get my nephew over to have a look (he's quite good with computers, just have to catch him between work shifts
Angel & Megsmum - thanks for the banter the other day (i really needed that). I did something this afternoon that I wasn't proud of, but it was a case of survival and hopefully it didn't hurt this other person too much (I don't think she saw me). I went shopping with DS1 this afternoon and spotted my SIL sitting at a table with her two elder daughters and the baby daughter (this is the baby that was born when my little angel was due). Any other time I would have gone over and said hello, this time, I pretended that I didn't see them and kept on going. I could hear the baby crying and did my best to ignore her. It muddled me up totally cause when I went to the car park I turned the wrong way to look for my car and didn't even realise until DS1 made a comment that the car was parked the other way. I thought I was coping a lot better then that but obviously not.
I'd better get back to sorting out some more stuff that I really "might need later". Wonder how much I can throw away?????
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rach78...... You will have your set back hun..... you will have days when the fog has cleared or is clearing... and other days when you can not seem to see because the fog is so strong...... This set back is probably brought on by AF...... when we put so much thought into... "i would feel better if i was pregnant again" ... and then cycle after cycle we arent pregnant..... it hurts hun... really hurts..... then we put pressure on ourselves to be pregnant before the EDD (expected due date) of our angels..... and then if that doesnt happen even more pain.
Try and just work through One Day At A Time hun..... dont try and justify the pain... or put goals out there that we have no control over.... just be hun..... just be. Be happy.. be sad.. be cranky.. be frustrated... be pi$$ed off.... Just Be... whatever it is you are feeling just let it be.
And remember something.... every single one of these amaizing ladies in here has been through what you have been through.... I lost angel twins myself.... we understand where you are at... and you can say and ask anything you want.... if you dont want to post then you are more than welcome to send a PM. You are also welcome to look through the web site below if that helps at all........I know it helped me to look at other peoples memorial sites... i cried a lot... and then cried some more... but it helped... its under the text where it says angel babies angel babies......
Mollycat....It was good yesterday... I laughed so much.... I completely understand trying to do the bolt... in honesty.. i would have done the same thing....I know deep inside that one day it will all be alright.. one day I will be able to hold a baby and not want to cry.... but until that day arrives.... i ll high tail it out of any situation I possibly can...
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Angel - thanks. I guess I just needed that justification. What's really bizarre is that in a couple of weeks time I have a little one starting that was born just before mine was due. I know it's not going to be easy, watching this one grow knowing mine should have been "doing this or doing that" at the same time. Her mum is absolutely wonderful, she has lent me her shoulder many times over the past ten months. She brings her in now and lets me play with her and I don't have a problem with that (at the moment).
Rach78 - Angel's right - one day at a time. It's all we can do. As you can see by Angel's signature and mine, we've been here a long time, waiting for our miracle to happen. Remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve and no one here will blame you if you laugh, cry, or sob (or have an angel ugly cry) it's all normal. We're all here for you - at any time.
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I hope everyone doesn't mind that I pop in so much. The truth is that I still understand everything you all have been thru and are currently going thru - those feelings will always be raw unfortunately for me even tho I have been blessed with a life inside me - I don't think I will ever forget them.
Having said that....
Rach - COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE wanting to be pregnant to help fix the void that your angel babies have left in your heart. The pain is so real that it's almost palpable. The frustration of wanting to get pregnant "yesterday" and still not being pregnant is so very difficult. I used to lie in bed at night and just concentrate so hard that a baby would just magically be in my tummy - crying silently so that my DH wouldn't hear me. I'm here with tears in my eyes just remembering the futility and hopelessness I felt at those times. I was so angry with the world and didn't understand why it had to be ME that went thru this pain. I had my really bad times and then my "i can get by" times, I was never truly happy. People would tell me not to think about things too much but it was an all-consuming thought, pre-occupation, obsession - there was nothing else I wanted to think about. What you are experiencing is real and you should allow yourself to feel it with no limits and certainly with no time limits. Take all the time you need sweet and stay here as long as you need. The girls here are just so wonderful and very dear. Chin up hun - u WILL have your little one.....
Mollycat - hun, don't beat yourself up about bolting and don't feel guilty for any negative feeling you may feel in the future. I don't think one can ever get over a m/c completely - things only become more manageable. I was surprised that I started tearing up when posting to Rach above. Goes to show that you can be UTD (and it's not my crazy hormones making me cry) and still feel those feelings - they sneak up on you when you thought all was ok. Big hugs sweetheart - i think your tops!
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