Hi blessedatlast

None of your thoughts are horrible. They are just what your mind is telling you in order to help you process the terrible loss of your twins and the tragedy you have been through physically and emotionally since.

I too lost my little boy in March. We had decided to only have one - we thought we would be lucky to have that given our track record with TTC! So I feel like we wouldn't be trying again either if everything had gone well with Ryan's pg. But that is the hand we were dealt. It doesn't make us disrespectful or horrible. It just makes us human to have those thoughts. I desperately wanted to change our situation and prayed that we could turn back the clock and be holding our baby in my arms, but that will never happen. All we can do is try to move forward day by day and carry the burden of our loss with us. So that means we are TTC again. Ryan will always be our son and our first child and will always be in our hearts, but we desperately want a baby to love and watch grow up, so we are really hoping that we will get our BFP soon.

It is good that your ob has given you the go ahead physically to start TTC again. That is at least one hurdle out of the way. Have you had any counselling? My GP referred me to a psych who has really helped me to deal with my grief and my anxieties, as well as dealing with other people around me. If you haven't had any help in that area I would highly recommend it. You might find it gives you some help too.