I am sooo very sorry for the loss of beautiful Oliver. It is a tragedy that no mother should have to go through. Everything you have said reflects the feelings and emotions that we all feel here after losing our precious babies and I am glad you have found this site. This is where you don't have to feel ashamed or embarrassed at what you will feel and think.
I don't think any of us know how we will go on, but every day we get out of bed (or sometimes we don't!) is one day closer to acceptance. My counsellor (who lost a 2 year old boy 18 yrs ago) told me that you never get over losing a child. We just have to live with it, with the sadness in our hearts, with the longing to hold these precious babies, with the love we will always have for them. That is why being here is so important to me. Not only are these lovely ladies a great support, they make me feel normal when I have experienced my own personal "ground zero". Nothing will be the same for me again. I am now changed because of my loss. Every day I plod through my hurt but sometimes I can skip, never forgetting my precious girl, and then I can come to an immediate stop and fall apart. It's not predictable but it is now the new 'normal' and I'm hoping it is going to get better, easier.
Personally, I recommend keeping up the counselling even if your DH won't. My DH hasn't been to a counselling session yet. He is dealing with Lucia's death in a different way. He has work and study to keep his mind busy but I can't stop thinking about her and that day. I need to talk, to rehash, to cry and cry and couselling provides that for me. For a long time I could only cry in the shower also.
I know I've rambled Millie. I just wanted you to know that unfortunately, what you are feeling, is normal. It is the rawness of grief and I would love to hear your story, if you are feeling up to it. Just jump straight in to which ever forum you want to...it's not butting in to a conversation like I used to feel it was!
Oh Milly Pilly I am so sorry to hear about Oliver I had tears in my eyes reading your story. Lynn has answered you perfectly and I dont think there is too much I can add to her reply, other than letting you know that there are many of us here who have lost our perfect little bubs.
I too have been told things like "Its gods way" or "everything happens for a reason" and quite frankly I want to punch those people in the nose, but as Lynn said sometimes they just dont know what to say. Or I think that until you been through such a loss you just cant understand what it is like. Maybe your family are saying these things to you because they are drawing on their owns experiences of a miscarriage and feel that this is a similar situation. I think people find it hard to understand how you can miss something that in their eyes you never actually had. We know we had them though, and I think it is hard for people to understand the pain of delivering your baby and holding him in your arms and knowing that you will never see them grow. The pain is indescribable and personally I dont think I could ever experience anything more painful than losing Nicholas. Everyone can do what they like to me, they cant hurt me now. I am broken already. Although as much as I feel that weakness inside myself, I also realise how strong I can be. You must realise your strength just to have gotten through the last 9 weeks. As you said you have accomplished so much in that time, that shows your strength.
Lynn is also right that men grieve differently to women. I think that men show ALL emotions different to women and sadly it is the way they have been raised, and I think also partly in their genetic make up. I wanted to ask what state you are in? Do they have a Sids and Kids organisation in your state? I saw a psychologist twice in January and I found it to be so NOT helpful and therefore I didnt go back again. But recently I decided that I do need help, noone can do it on their own. So I decided to seek help from Sids and Kids, we had a counsellor come to our house and talk to us. And we are also attending monthly meetings (our second is tonight) and DH did come with me and he found it extremely helpful to talk to other men in his situation. There was a lady in our meeting who was there on her own and she gained as much support from everybody as we all did. So even if your husband wasnt up to going, maybe you could venture there yourself. It is scary, OMG I was terrified at our first meeting, but everyone was some welcoming because we were all there for the same reason. We had all lost our bubs and needed support. It might be worth looking into.
I also understand the fear of another baby, it is terrifying. It is a frustrating journey just conceiving and then you have to whole pregnancy or worrying every day until you hold your baby. For me, the want (and need) to have a healthy baby outweighs that fear. But the decision to have another baby is a very personal one and one that only you and your husband can make. You may feel "guilty" for wanting to TTC or even feel that you are betraying Oliver, I know I certainly felt that way for a while. Eventually I thought that Nicholas would want us to be happy, he wouldnt want to be watching over us seeing us in pain and suffering. Oliver would want his Mummy and Daddy to be happy as well, so you do what is right for you. And if and when you are ready (or before, not everyone is TTC in the beginning) join us in the TTC thread. I know that without the help of those ladies I would not have gotten through this journey, just being able to contact people who understand you if an amazing help.
Im sorry I seem to have babbled. Once again, big :hugs: for you - Oliver is with you every day.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Oliver. I dont think I can say anything else to you, that both Lynn and Mel or the other girls have said, so I just hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone and that there are wonderful women out there that can help you, in one way or another.
Know your angel is also not alone in Gods playground, and that all our angels will be there for him. What dosnt kill us only makes us stronger and you to will find in time that you have an inner strenght that your darling son has given to you. My thoughts and prays are with you both.
Dear Millie Pillie,
I am so sorry to hear about your precious Oliver. I cannot really add anything that the wonderful ladies here haven't already said, but just know that you have come to the right place for understanding and support.
take care
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I had tears in my eyes reading your story. Lynn has answered you perfectly and I dont think there is too much I can add to her reply, other than letting you know that there are many of us here who have lost our perfect little bubs. 
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