I am sooo very sorry for the loss of beautiful Oliver. It is a tragedy that no mother should have to go through. Everything you have said reflects the feelings and emotions that we all feel here after losing our precious babies and I am glad you have found this site. This is where you don't have to feel ashamed or embarrassed at what you will feel and think.
I don't think any of us know how we will go on, but every day we get out of bed (or sometimes we don't!) is one day closer to acceptance. My counsellor (who lost a 2 year old boy 18 yrs ago) told me that you never get over losing a child. We just have to live with it, with the sadness in our hearts, with the longing to hold these precious babies, with the love we will always have for them. That is why being here is so important to me. Not only are these lovely ladies a great support, they make me feel normal when I have experienced my own personal "ground zero". Nothing will be the same for me again. I am now changed because of my loss. Every day I plod through my hurt but sometimes I can skip, never forgetting my precious girl, and then I can come to an immediate stop and fall apart. It's not predictable but it is now the new 'normal' and I'm hoping it is going to get better, easier.
Personally, I recommend keeping up the counselling even if your DH won't. My DH hasn't been to a counselling session yet. He is dealing with Lucia's death in a different way. He has work and study to keep his mind busy but I can't stop thinking about her and that day. I need to talk, to rehash, to cry and cry and couselling provides that for me. For a long time I could only cry in the shower also.
I know I've rambled Millie. I just wanted you to know that unfortunately, what you are feeling, is normal. It is the rawness of grief and I would love to hear your story, if you are feeling up to it. Just jump straight in to which ever forum you want to...it's not butting in to a conversation like I used to feel it was!
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