I'm new here, and found this site while trying to find some answers to how to get through my grief. The stories and feelings you have all poured out onto these pages resonate into my core. My husband's and my first child was born still on March 16, 2007, 6lbs and 2.3 oz at 39 weeks. We went to our regularly scheduled prenatal, and our midwife could not find a heartbeat. From that moment on, I have moved into a surreal world where I suddenly do not understand how to live. Apparently, the cord had wrapped around Yeti's wee neck and deprived him of oxygen and blood. The hospital induced labor the next day, and I wrongly thought that the labor was the worst of the pain I would go through. We named him Yeti, because that is what we called him throughout the pregnancy and I was afraid he wouldn't know who we were talking about if we gave him another of our selected names. I think in Tibetan it means "magical creature", which is exactly what he is to us, magical.

I suppose I thought I would be feeling a bit better by now, moving on with life and feeling only some sadness. I made it through the first month in numbness and the second with the thought that it would get better. But it hasn't. If anything, it is worse than before because I have no numbness left, only raw pain. And the support around me, while still here and still appreciated, seems to think I should be getting better too. I am in such a dark, dark place. I don't care about work, or home, or much of anything. I feel guilty that others have lived through these events and worse with much more grace and strength than I can manage. My husband has been wonderful, but has reached the end of his ability to cope with my depression. He thinks I am moving away from him, withdrawing into myself. He may be right, but it isn't because I want to. I fear my own brain because it has turned against me. It is difficult to share my dark thoughts with someone who married me because I was a content, happy person.

Right now, I think that perhaps I should stop trying to cope with Yeti's death. I've been reading book after book about how to manage grief to the betterment of the soul. It doesn't seem to help. Numbness was better. Some in my family have suggested medication, and I have resisted because I wanted to plow through my grief now and be able to be an effective mother if we ever have a live child (we are trying again). But I am not sure now if it wouldn't be better to stop this decent by any means possible.

Thank you for being here and reading through my pain. I sincerely welcome any wisdom or experiences you have had, or advice or anything at all.