Hi Millie Pillie,

It is a hard journey that you are on. I'm so sorry that Oliver died.
People say things just because they feel like they need to say SOMETHING. Sometimes it is the right thing but mostly it isn't. All the girls here are right, unless you have lost a baby, you cannot imagine how it feels. The absolute devastation, the crushing loss. The way your heart feels heavy but empty at the same time...

My husand went back to work four weeks after losing our son, William. He didn't know what else to do. Men are fix it people and he couldn't fix this so he did what he knew he could and that was to work. I was angry with him. I wanted him to talk and cry with me. I wanted him to stay with me and look at Wiliiam's photos. He wanted to go inside himself, think things through, sort it out in his mind so that he could be in a better place to help me through the trauma of losing Will.
It is very different for men and women.
For us, we have carried our babies from the very beginning. We have nurtured the babe the best we could.
When a baby dies, we have guilt and wonderings and what ifs. We will always think about our angel babies and how old they would be, what they would look like, what their personalities would be like.

For the men, they are a part of something but they are also once removed. Tney don't know that connection when a baby moves inside like we do.
For my husband, when Will was born and died , it was all about those five days, nothing before and nothing after. He tried to make sense of things through the practical side of what had happened.
He busied himself in the yard, at work, doing things. He said it helped ease the pain of losing William.

I know you want your husband to open up and talk to you. It's what you need and is so understandable.
When David wasn't forth coming in conversation, I kept a journal. Sometimes I would leave it out for him to read, so he knew my feelings. Sometimes it would open things up for a conversation and sometimes it didn't but I knew he knew how I was feeling. In return I let him grieve in his own way.
He still doesn't talk about William much. He'll never bring him up or what we went through but he will help me to honour our son in whatever way I want. He is supportive in his own way.

Please know that everything you and your husband are going through is normal. All the thoughts of your pregnancy, remembering your little boy. Wishing it were different, it's all part of the journey.
Contemplating another baby was very scary for me too. I think, once you have lost a baby you don't believe in the normalcy of pregnancy. Everything is jaded.
You have to do what is right for you. You can't do something just because someone else says you should.
It's ok to be sad.
It's ok to be angry, helpless,miserable.
It's ok to wonder, worry.
It is unfair.
Be kind to yourself. The most important thing I have learnt over the last three years is to be true to yourself. If you are then you will be able to work through everything at your own pace and come through it still standing.
Squash grief down and it will be there, waiting when you are vunerable.

The biggest of hugs to you, your husband and your beautiful angel boy Oliver.