Thank you all for your comforting words, wisdom and for sharing your experiences. Your words open my heart -- in a good way. I wish that no one would have to go through this pain, but am so comforted to not be alone. I feel so lucky to have found you all and to be welcomed into this support.

I will indeed try to take each day, make small goals to get through, especially when my thoughts turn against me and against life. I made an appointment with a counselor yesterday, so perhaps that will help me even the roller-coaster out just a little bit. I need so much to keep my relationship with DH strong and alive, it is so difficult when I am so angry and hurt. But perhaps it is as you say, just arguing a bit more than we used to or a difference in how we grieve. He seems so much more strong (or perhaps just more stoic) than I can be. But this cannot be the end of us together, because it took me so long to find such a special person to live my days with.

I do indeed feel that not doing everything "on my own" would be failure -- but you each are so right that each of us must get through as best as possible. Including if that means antidepressants. It gives me hope, Mel, that you have found some comfort and do not feel numb or removed from life. I have worried that such a course would end what is "me", but I think you are right that I will never be the same m I was before anyway. Hopefully I can be someone compassionate and someone I like -- although it will take some time before I like all of the aspects of this new me. I'll talk to the counselor and be open to possibilities.

Once again, I am so heartened by all of your responses, your words are so comforting where others who mean well but don't really understand cannot provide that comfort. Just the fact that all of you find the will to go on, and even say that things get a little easier in time gives me hope. Perhaps someday I can offer some hope to someone else, but for now I will feed off of yours. Thank you and hugs and love, m