Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage April '08

[Katiegirl]

Hi Jen. I also didn't test until 4 or so days after AF was due. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't just my cycle playing games. Though my first test was a BFN! I was silly and tested in the late afternoon after drinking loads of water all day - so my urine was very weak. It was such a shock though as by then we were very late and had started to get my hopes up. But next morning with FMU I got a faint positive. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and I am hoping for the best.

We are madly cleaning today as my brother is staying the night - he lives in Brisbane and has a meeting in Melb tomorrow. I wish I could find the energy to just keep this place tidy 24/7. I am looking forward to finishing up work so I can get this place sorted - we have so many cupboards overflowing with what I am sure is useless stuff!

Anyway must keep cleaning. Have a great weekend everyone.

[Hammi]

I just got my period today - my first since Hamish's birth. I really wanted it to happen so I know that my body is functioning normally. Also I'm hoping to start TTC after about 3-4 cycles.

It's now almost 7wks since we lost Hamish and most of the time I'm normal. Like nothing's happened. I laugh, I smile, and when people come up all teary and tell me how sorry they are for me I feel exceptionally calm and rational.

But at times I think about my little boy and how he looked like us and how he used to kick and kick and how he's gone I feel so sad. Especially because we'll never know for sure if he's OK, where he's gone, if he knew how wanted and loved he was.

Sometimes I think about a new baby and feel excited and hopeful but then I'm scared to go through all of this again. Then at times I don't want a new baby, I just want my little Hamish. I wish I could put him back in my tummy and grow him big and fat so he doesn't look so small and frail...

Usually when I look at his photos, I see my perfect boy resting peacefully but lately I look at them and I see death and I'm horrified. Reality is horrific. My baby's not supposed to die.

[jen805]

Oh Hammi, While I'm relieved for you that AF is proving you're body's getting back to normal, I know that it's a really hard thing to cope with. It's like part of you wants to be happy that things are getting back on track, but most of you is still heartbroken over the loss of your precious angel Hamish. I've noticed a couple times when people would find out, and like you said, come up all teary and apologetic, I would be telling them that it was ok--that I'm just hanging in there--very calm and rational like you said... but it's like I'm consoling them for my loss! I think in my case it's easier to cope like that--most of the time I have to really focus on not thinking about the child I lost (while I've lost 4 total, the last one was definitely the hardest) and just focus on the child we're trying to create right now. I, too, feel excited and hopeful and scared about going through it all over again, but I feel more scared NOT to try, like I would be giving up on something that I so desperately want! It's so hard to not dwell on what might have been, or could have been... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and smarter, and a valuable lesson is usually learned--it just usually takes time for that lesson to become clear, and you're able to realize what it was that you needed to learn from that experience. I'm sorry you're down, hun. Know you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

[Katiegirl]

Hammi - I just wanted to send you a hig as reading your post rung so true for me. I have felt exactly the same as you. I was so desperate to fall pregnant again after Nathaniel, but when it happened I suddenly realised how terrifying it was. I worry constantly, and it feels like I have been pregnant forever. I understand how you want to still have Hamish with you, and to feel him growing and to hold him again. It is so hard to let go of someone that we loved, nurtured and protected. I never for a moment believed I would lose my first child, and that pain still cuts me like a knife. I would love more than anything to have Nathaniel with me still, but at the same time I know that would mean that this little baby growing in me would not exist, and that is a hard reality.

Hamish knew you loved him, and he knows you will always love him. During your child's life, no matter how short, he only knew love and happiness. I am sure that once you decide to TTC you will know that it is the right thing for you. Take care.

[jo76]

hi everyone,
well i had my OB appointment today and don't know if i feel relieved or more anxious for this pregnancy to be ok.
We had a chat re: Jack and the fact they never found a cause and i asked how this meant he would treat me in this pregnancy. He said we will do another ultrasound after the 12 week one, around 17 weeks for peace of mind and i was so happy as i did'nt have to beg for it! i said i'll need it as i feel a bit stressed and nervous about this pregnancy and he said that all was looking good so far in terms of the size of my uterus growing and he could hear movement but not a heartbeat which he was'nt concerned about at this early stage due to the size etc. (with jack i did'nt hear his heartbeat until 14 weeks)He asked if i was ok as i was looking a bit pale (argh! since i have changed my make-up to a darker shade!) and i said i did'nt sleep well last night and had nervous diahorea (sp?) this morning. He gave me my referral for the ultrasound that i have had booked for 6 weeks and sadi get it done thurs or fri so i did'nt have to wait until next week. Unfortuneately i have to wait till next week as i have mondays off at the moment so the choice is made!
as for you guys...
jen -thanks for thinking of me! We are all here for you too, can't wait till you join us!
katie - i have decided to go back to the Angliss (outer east, so a bit of a travel) where i had Jack as they were so amazing and i wanted to have the support of Amanda who was the head of the loss nurses, as she was so patient and gentle with all of us last time and i need to be with people we trust and feel safe around. I know this birth () will be a VERY emotional one for us so the feeling safe part and already knowing the midwives is a huge deal. Where are you going?
hammi - you bought tears to my eyes. Your story and feelings are so similar to my own. We have been through the most disgustingly cruel thing with all our babies, and in some circumstances i agree, have had to be the strength for others at the same time our world has crumbled! As time passed from Jack, i became the same , very calm doing my day to day things and then it would hit me like a ton of bricks what had happened and the enormity of it. I will never get over losing jack or the circumstances that it happened but time does make it a tiny bit easier. Being pregnant again does stir up feelings and what ifs but i am just going day by day. My son (5 yrs) saw my wee sample in its jar in the bathroom and asked what it was for and i said i had to see my doctor to make sure i was ok and he said so you can make another baby?. We have'nt told the kids yet as we want to be a bit further along before we even allow them to have hope that there will be another baby. it affects us all, your feelings are normal and you will know when you are ready. take care and sending you loads of hugs.
barbara - hope you are going ok!
x jo

[jen805]

Hi jo! So glad to hear your appointment went well! It's great that your dr. offered the extra u/s at 17 wks. for your peace of mind. You would think that all dr's would be willing after what we've been through, unfortunately they're not all that supportive. I think women make much better doctors, they're so much more empathetic--how can a man possibly understand what it is that we go through? I'm excited to hear about your u/s next week--can't wait until you get to see your sticky bub! I can't wait to join you ladies, as well, I'm working on it!

[Anthonysmom]

Hi ladies - just dopping in since I have the day off.

Hammi - my heart breaks for you. I remember being at that stage. It has only been 7 weeks. some days will feel okay and some not so much. its okay. it is a mystery to me why babies die. especially those that are so wanted and loved. as far as a new baby. the first few months of TTC were unsuccessful for me. i was trying to get ANthony back. Once I realized he wasn't coming back and came to grips with it, I got pregnant that first month. I love my son and always will, but I am pregnant with a new baby now. it is terrifying but I love her as well as my son.

Jo - glad you dr appt went well. i hope you get to hear and see the beautiful heartbeat soon.

my scan went great on thursday. Evie grew so much and now has a heartbeat of 171. of course last night i spotted again a little bit. i have to call dr tomorrow anyway for bolld results so I will tell him. the good news is spotting is gone this morning.

Barbara