I just got my period today - my first since Hamish's birth. I really wanted it to happen so I know that my body is functioning normally. Also I'm hoping to start TTC after about 3-4 cycles.

It's now almost 7wks since we lost Hamish and most of the time I'm normal. Like nothing's happened. I laugh, I smile, and when people come up all teary and tell me how sorry they are for me I feel exceptionally calm and rational.

But at times I think about my little boy and how he looked like us and how he used to kick and kick and how he's gone I feel so sad. Especially because we'll never know for sure if he's OK, where he's gone, if he knew how wanted and loved he was.

Sometimes I think about a new baby and feel excited and hopeful but then I'm scared to go through all of this again. Then at times I don't want a new baby, I just want my little Hamish. I wish I could put him back in my tummy and grow him big and fat so he doesn't look so small and frail...

Usually when I look at his photos, I see my perfect boy resting peacefully but lately I look at them and I see death and I'm horrified. Reality is horrific. My baby's not supposed to die.