Paula,

I've been on thyroid medication since I was 8 years old so I can't say if I noticed a change in my mood or not. There ARE some things I tend to notice if I forget my medication one morning, most notably that I get these pains in my legs that remind me of bein 8 years old and lying sleepless in bed; I remember that I thought it was normal to have sore legs every night. But you're right that hypothyroidism and depression have a link. And for me, there is a LOT of anxiety almost all the time, but I feel that's a personality thing for me really. I'm a planner and a worrier, and those two things are a scary combination.

I recognize what you're saying about sensitivity. All stories about dying kids or mothers or fathers on the news send me into myself. Imagine if I lose DH? Imagine if I have the children I'm longing for and then an accident takes them away? I feel a deep sorrow for the people involved, as I'm starting to develop an empathy that I never had before. I was watching a movie by myself the other day, one of these where it's a family with grown kids that all love each other. In a side-plot the mom gets breast cancer and dies, all while her one daughter is pregnant and her son is about to adopt a baby. I broke down imediately (there were such strong images in the movie, a picture of the mom when she was pregnant with her daughter) and just started bawling, the kind where the more your face gets contorted, the better it feels. I was thinking: My mom had breast cancer, so I might get it, and what if I die before I get to have grandchildren? What if I never make it to that family that I want? It's not the first time in the last few months that a movie has sent me into that same spiral.

I was treated for depression in different ways for some years, and have gone through some pretty tough patches. I took medicine, and eventually decided myself to get off it, as I felt it was only providing me with side effects. Instead I started to feel better once I started improving the very real downsides of my life that were exaccerbating the depression. I still have a harder time with emotions than most people, and have days or periods where I don't feel too keen on getting out of bed and don't feel motivated (there have been many of those periods since losing Beiron), but I feel equipped to battle it without medication.

Since losing Beiron I'm seeing a counselor, I saw that her description of me in their schedule has gone from "miscarriage" to "pregnancy anxiety," but we do talk about so many other things. We've both decided that I have a whole lot of baggage to talk about and that I really need some support. Well, I KNEW that already, but since I'd seen counselors before and I felt they'd never helped, I had stopped seeking that help. This lady is, though, very good for me. I told her I was scared losing Beiron would drive me into a new depression because I didn't want to take medicine again, but she said she didn't believe in medicating first and that she understood me. And for the first time in a counselor's office, I feel helped. I'm lucky that a terrible experience has thrust me into a relationship with her, because I think it's going to help me handle being a mom in a way I wouldn't have had otherwise. I don't know how long I'll get to keep seeing her, and I'm afraid that if they move me to another person if I want to continue counseling after I'm no longer classed as "pregnancy anxiety" (she works in the gynecological clinic) that I'll once again have that feeling of "why am I here and what's the point?" But one thing I've noticed the other times I've been to counselors is that it feels good to talk to an outside person about why you're hurting, even if it just feels better for that one hour.

I don't think you're coping any worse than anyone else, Paula, I want to say that. But I don't think it's wrong to see someone, either. I just wanted you to know that a good counselor will understand that you don't want to take medicine and want to try other methods first. The other bit of advice is to get exercise -- exercise is pretty much the best medication for depression there is, and while it can be hard to motivate yourself to do it if you're feeling down (vicious downward spiral!), if you can manage to get into it it becomes a positive upward spiral.