hey girs,
no personals and this will be a cut and paste in both preg and ttc sides sorry! Headspace has completely gone to meltdown, Madisons service is on friday, I knew it was coming sometime around now but this last week seems to have moved so quickly and when i realised that she was going to have her official goodbye the "finality" of the last 3 weeks has proven to be a bit much. Coping in the day and not so great still at night, its the killer. Can't sleep, wake up exhausted the next day. i think that is why i am trying to keep myself busy so i can get my body going. Dh and i have been not so great either, i really just don't think he gets that we both are going through the emotional part but i am dealing with the physical also, and THAT is harder. and he has said when am i going to have time for him, i exploded. I asked him what exactly he had in mind going by what i have been through the last 2 weeks. I'd be 25 weeks this week and that is hard to get out of my mind. I go back to work next week after 3 weeks off and THAT is hard to think about. I don't think i am ready and am really nervous about it...actually,nervous, no....scared to get back out there again. This week has been the realisation of how real my hurt is and i really think the last 2 weeks have been spent in some blind denial. i just don't understand why we had to lose her too. My daughter asked why we can't bring our babies home like everyone else does, how do i answer that? So, i have just avoided being here although i have so far felt it really important to stay here, this week week felt i could'nt cope with it. But today just thought screw it, thats what we are all here for...take care guys!
xx jo
Oh Jo , you have me in tears, I remember those feelings so deeply, but I can only hope you feel us holding your hand through all of this. I don't know what you say to your daughter... and I too had moments like that with my DH, still do sometimes. You are right a lot of men just can't quite comprehend the magnitude of the mother's loss, and it is so very primal on every level, emotional, physical, social. Have got any sleeping pills?? I tried them, they didn't really work for me, but maybe I just didn't take enough, I was worried I wouldn't wake for my DS. Sleeping is so hard and the nights are just horrible. There is nothing I can say that is going to make this journey easier for you, just know you are constantly cared for.
I must be in a mood today. I was a tiny bit snippy with DH this morning (although less so than I am normally! I think I've been such a mellow good girl towards him these last couple months) and am very easily upset right now. I believe it's going to be another day of occupying my chair at work but not much more.
I don't know why you've had to go through all this, Jo. It's just not fair, and that's the long and short of it. I won't say that things happen for a reason or tell you how good the odds are that things will go well for you next time or try to say "At least you have..." or any of the other nonsense that people said to me that made me feel they were trivializing my grief. I don't believe any of those things, but rather, I just feel that it's so incredibly and stupendously unfair.
Helen, Sue, Rozzie, MrsRobbo, danek -- I've read your posts so I'm not ignoring you, but I'm feeling drained and crabby. Hope you don't mind if I just send you a virtual And of course, congratulations to Cindee.
Jo - I have responded to you in the Preg thread and am going to send you a PM as well. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and will have a candle lit for Madison. Please be kind to yourself and don't push yourself to 'get back out there' if you aren't ready. There is no timeframe to grief and whatever you need to do is right for you. DHs can be difficult but try to lean on each other. I remember posting a back in Jan or Feb that after DH and I had another screaming match he admitted that he felt that Nathaniel and I had our own special team and he wasn't allowed to be in it - I told him that we both wanted him desperately in our team. I think men often feel left out when a baby is born, so it probably feels even more so when a mother loses her child - as women we have a physical and emotional attachment that they can't understand. Maybe explain to him that you need him to be there with you - and that Madison and Jack need him as well. I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow - I hope you are ok. But as I said I will PM and email you.
Lan - I will also be thinking of you tomorrow as I am sure it is scary to get the autopsy results...but (in a very stern voice) you did not kill your son! You loved and nurtured him and unfortunately his time here was short, but it doesn't reflect on you. Please do not blame yourself as it would be a very painful spiral down for you and it is not what Hamish would want.
MrsRobbo - your son is a beautiful soul. You are very lucky to have someone who can express themselves so beautifully. Charlie is lucky to have such a wonderful big brother. I often wonder how I will have our future children know about Nathaniel. I think I will just make it a common thing in our house that their big brother is an angel in heaven who looks after them. We have a Christmas decoration that we bought for him, so I will always ensure that the children know it is given pride of place on the tree etc.
Sue - try to stay strong and keep hope high for this little bubba.
Tildy - I hope you are ok and happy to hear that your bleeding has not returned. Let's hope it stays well away so you can relax a little.
Helen - hi and how are you?
Sue - hello as well.
Ladies - you will have to remind me who is TTC right now and who is waiting for October? I don't want to get it wrong and cause you any pain. I also want to know who I need to be keeping my fingers crossed for and stalking of charts etc!
Well, I have another Ob appointment today and I really am glad as I had a dream the other night (wrote about it in the preg thread) and I need some reassuring. The baby has been kicking so that is a good sign. I will also be interested to see if the baby is still head down. Thank you all so much for the good wishes as I move to 30 weeks - it is so appreciated and I value your support so much. I hope you all enjoy the champers on my behalf!!! I will have a sparkling water or chocolate milkshake (my current obsession) to celebrate on Sat. I will update you this afternoon to let you know how things go today.
Well, my DS is having his first day at daycare! It was very strange leaving him with strangers, we had a couple of play dates there beforehand, but it is still weird! I was a bit emotional as I walked away, he on the other hand couldn't care less, he was having a great time! So here I am supposed to be working, and talking to you guys!
AF showed her very ugly face this morning, so I am back in for next month, every pregnancy I have had, has always been the 3rd month, so fingers crossed for this one being the 3rd month!
Sue, Lan was right she is your TTC buddy for Oct, and I hope she is right about me!
Lan - You have waited such a long time for this moment, I can understand your apprehension, but when you walk out tomorrow afterward hopefully things will be a lot clearer for you. You are the best mother Hamish could have, it isn't anything you did, but I do know those feelings. Good luck tomorrow, I hope you get some answers, just remember that a lot of the time, there aren't any.
Hi to all, have to get back to work!
Last edited by hgirs; August 28th, 2008 at 11:40 AM.
Jo: I will be thinking of you tomorrow, Madison will be in my prayers.
Hammi: I hope you get some answers from your appointment. Please don't blame yourself. I know that is our first instinct as mother's but some things are out of our control. You just have to trust that Hamish only needed to be with you for a short time and that now he is out there fulfilling his soul's purpose and is all the better equipped to do that because of the love and nurturing you gave him when you were together and still give him now that you are apart.
Katie: good luck for the OB, it must be so delightful to feel those reassuring little kicks. You are an inspiration to all of us.
Hgirs: I can emphathise with your emotional day care experience. I used to cry every day when I dropped DS off. I would hold it together until I got to the car and then break down in a blubbering mess. It really is so good for them though. My DS has learnt so many things that he just wouldn't have been exposed to at home. I also think my relationship with him is that much stronger because we have some time apart and I get to do something for me, which makes me happier and better able to focus on him when we are at home together. Persevere with it, especially if your son is ok. You will find it easier with time.
Well my update is that I finally got my test results back. It seems like forever although not as long as Hammi has had to wait. We chose not to have an autopsy done. I'm not sure why, our OB didn't think it was necessary and everything was such a blur at the time we just went along with his recommendation. I did have a heap of blood tests though and we had the placenta etc sent for testing.
It turns out that the cord was extremely wound up, so much so that the OB has never seen anything like it in all his years of practice. He can't say if it was the cause but he thinks it is 'significant'. My blood also showed a high level of antibodies for parvo virus (the human one not dog one!) so they sent it back for more tests to see if I had the virus. The next lot of tests couldn't confirm or rule it out. Only a small percentage of women get parvo virus during pregnancy and of them only about 5% will result in still birth. Again he couldn't say if this was the cause but said it could well have been.
The thing that really upsets me is that adults generally contract it from day care centres. Adults have no symptoms and once you've had it you're immuned but kids apparently get cheeks which look like they have been slapped and are a bit fluey. When I was PG and on holidays I decided it would be nice for DS if I went and spent a day at the centre with him to help out. He absolutely loved it but now I am wondering if that is when I could have contracted the virus. I will never know but it upsets me that I may have lost Charlie from something which could have been prevented. I'm not blaming myself but just the fact it could have been avoided is quite disturbing.
The good news is that either of those possible causes are not likely to reoccur so OB is confident that any future pregnancies will be successful. Although he said that after my first MC and then we lost Charlie so I am well aware there are no guarantees.
OB said next time I should be super freaky about hygiene such as washing hands before cleaning teeth or blowing nose etc and basically after touching anything. Especially after going to day care. Thought that might be a useful tip for all of us who are TTC or already PG, you can never be too careful I guess.
Hi all. I am back and all good news. I asked for a scan and whilst it was hard to see much because the baby is now much larger, we saw the heartbeat. She is still head down so hopefully she will stay that way. I am measuring correct for dates and my ob is happy with everything...so I am happy too. I told him about my dream and he said that it is common in the last phase of pregnancy to have dreams etc, and because I have a history of night terrors he said that it is possible they will increase...lovely. I am hoping that won't be the case.
So that is my good news for the day. I will be back later for personals.
Jo - I so feel for you and how you are feeling. I wish I could take it all away.... I will be thinking of you on Friday and just remember, we are all here for you.
Paula, I am so glad you don't blame yourself and I can understand trying to search for answers.... Thank you so much for the advice, I will be so careful when I get pregnant next. I really don't care what others think of how careful I am, because until they walk in our shoes, they will never know....
Hi Helen - I hope Lan is so right...... if not you will be joining us the month after.
Katiegirl - Goodluck at your OB appointment today. You must catch us up with all the good news when you get back. I think we need some...
Lan I will be thinking of you tomorrow when you get your results. I hope it provides you with all you need .
Tildy hope all is well and you are feeling better... he he he
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time of it and that DH is not making things any easier. I don't think there is anything anyone can say to make this pain go away. I thought I was doing really well and then have had a rough couple of weeks. I went to see a psychologist earlier in the week and whilst it wasn't much help but one thing he did reinfornce was how normal all my feelings were. I guess that is something important for you to know also. It is perfectly acceptable that you are a mess at the moment and anyone who is expecting you to be holding it all together obviously has no idea. I don't mean DH, just anyone in your life who is being less than supportive.
Don't feel like you shouldn't be here either. I think everyone feels the same at one point or another because perhaps we don't fit the title of the thread exactly. I think what is most important is that you have people here who understand your pain and can offer you support. If everyone in each thread were exactly the same, we wouldn't be much help to each other so I think it is great that everyone is on a different journey and at different stages. I can't imagine you would fit in any better or worse anywhere else.
Right now, just take as good a care of yourself as you can in the circumstances and don't worry about anyone else. You can sort all that out later when you feel more able to see things from others point of view. Right now yours is the only experience that matters.
I just read your thread and Im in tears, I cannot even imagine the grief and pain of losing your baby girl. All I can offer you is my prayers that she live a life eternal in paradise with our Father, and know that,thats where you will see her again. She'll be waiting for you.
I know reading the Good Book is helping me through my current situation with this pregnancy, low hcg levels, non stop light bleeding, thinking I'd miscarried then not so as my levels kept increasing and then many many TVS ultrasounds and just not knowing is the hard part so I have been praying and thats whats keeping me sane. Our world is much too secular and sometimes just being in a quiet place talking to God can help, it may not be for everyone and it may not be for you, so just in case it isn't I'll keep you both in my prayers.
Jo, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I still clearly remember the time between finding out that Hamish had died and his service. They are the darkest, darkest days of our lives. It's incomprehensible that you had to lose both Jack and Madison. I don't know why our beautiful, much loved, so anticipated babies have to go, but you are still here Jo, and there must be a reason for that. Please lean on us and rant and rave as much as you want. About your DH, men are aliens and they deal with their emotions differently to us...
Rozzie, they're all very scary and hard to understand things your specialist told you. Was he confident that he'll be able to look after you and bub? So taking you off blood thinning meds will prevent bleeds but what about clotting? I have a friend who had a vertical incision for her c-section because her uterus is shaped funny or something. She has got two kids though.
Mrs Robbo, your little boy is delightful, I hope any living children I get will think of their big brother Hamish the same poignant way.
Sue, I'm your October TTC buddy. Helen's going to get preggers next month.
Congrats Cindee!!!
Hi and hugs to Tildy, Danek, Helen and the very pregnant Katie :-)
Can everyone hold my hands (along with Jo's) tomorrow please. I've finally got the call from my obs' office to say that they have Hamish's full autopsy report (yes, it took 4.5mths). We're going in tomorrow to have it explained to us. After wanting to know what they found all these months I'm now petrified. I don't want my little boy to have had anything wrong with him, any chance that he was unwell or in pain, and most of all, I'm scared that I killed him somehow
Last edited by Hammi; August 28th, 2008 at 10:00 AM.
: crazy lady typos
, you have me in tears, I remember those feelings so deeply
, but I can only hope you feel us holding your hand through all of this. I don't know what you say to your daughter... and I too had moments like that with my DH, still do sometimes. You are right a lot of men just can't quite comprehend the magnitude of the mother's loss, and it is so very primal on every level, emotional, physical, social. Have got any sleeping pills?? I tried them, they didn't really work for me, but maybe I just didn't take enough, I was worried I wouldn't wake for my DS. Sleeping is so hard and the nights are just horrible. There is nothing I can say that is going to make this journey easier for you, just know you are constantly cared for.
And of course, congratulations to Cindee. 
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