Girls, thanks so much for all your good wishes, I am so comforted to know I have such lovely, caring friends ! I don't know if I would be so strong without you pining for me, you really are a great bunch of girls. I'm not so anxious anymore, thanx to you all ! xxx
I'm sorry for the lack of personals tonite, but I just wanted to give you Teagz a big bear hug sweetie. Life really sucks sometimes, hey ? Sometimes men appear to 'be ready' so soon to try again, as they haven't been thru the physical pain of losing a baby. We, women, not only bear the physical scars, but also the emotional ones which is just so much to bear. I hope your hubby can understand and respect your feelings and give you the space you need to grieve properly, before you try again. I know it's hard to look at other women and think it's so easy for them to fall pregnant, but we, in the end, are the stronger ones moulded by our tragic experiences, and we will appreciate our little babies even more, when they come to us. Take care hun, I hope the sorrow in your heart will slowly lift away soon.
Jo, good luck for tomorrow's scan darl, I hope all is well with the nice long and tight cervix, and of course the real star of the show, your bub ! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow xx
Will catch up with you lovely ladies soon, again, thanks so much for your encouragement.
My posts here are going to have to get more few and far between, because sitting on a computer chair seems to be the worst for this pelvic disorder business. So friggin' awesome to be a computer programmer then, huh? At least both of my offices have desks that can be adjusted to standing position, but how fun was it to stand 8 hours today? Another reason to miss being a teacher.
Today I want to talk to Teagz! I think you need to have a serious (but loving!) talk with DF, lest your different grieving patterns drive you apart. It's totally normal and common, what the two of you are going through, but sadly, it's also totally common for us men and ladies not to understand each other about it. We think differently to begin with, and since you were carrying Jayvan, there is a lot more for your very different female thinking/emotions to deal with.
I started seeing my grief counselor immediately after losing Beiron, and right away to the second session I took DH with me. Even though it had only gone a week and a half or so since the miscarriage, I noticed he was already trying to "fix" or "distract" me. That is so VERY my DH. This is a man who once sat at the other side of the room and stared silently at me when I was bawling my eyes out over something, and when I eventually burst out, "How the hell can you just sit there and stare at me instead of coming over here and holding me?" he answered, "because whenever I hug you when you're crying, you just cry harder! I only make it worse!" It made perfect sense, and yet it was so wrong!
I believe this is not only VERY my DH, but VERY VERY male. When you start to cry, Teagz, DF panics and feels that it's his job to somehow make you stop. You're sad, and he thinks it's his job to make you happy. He might also feel guilty for not being as sad as you, so making you instantly happy will not only fulfill his DF duty but also assuage his guilt. He might try to fix this by encouraging you to move on and be positive, or, if he's like my DH was, he'll just try to distract you. Sit on the other side of the room, ignore the crying, and say "What nice weather it is! Let's go for a walk! Hey, that movie we wanted to see is out! Should we ask Alice and Bob is they want to hang out tonight?" After a week or so of this, I could see exactly what was going on, and could also see that I would strangle somebody if it didn't stop.
So DH came with me to the grief counselor, and she was very straightforward with him: You cannot fix her. She needs to cry, and she's probably going to for a while. You are not a failure as a husband if you can't make her stop; on the contrary, if you continue attempting to make her stop, you will hurt her even more. Just hold her and listen until SHE decides she's done crying for today and that it's time to do something else. Yes, hugging her and holding her will probably make her cry harder -- this is a COMPLIMENT to you. She feels comfortable breaking down completely in your arms -- and you're helping her drain the "poison" that absolutely, positively needs to be drained. The time frame before she stops crying every day, she told him, is more likely to be several months than several weeks. If she still won't get out of bed in the morning 3 months from now, she told him, THEN you can start to worry.
This is exactly what he needed to hear. I am glad it was her that said it, because she phrased it better than me, plus that he BELIEVED it much more than if I had said it. My DH immediately became much better, and has continued to improve since then, and my ability to calmly tell him what I need -- instead of getting frustrated and angry with him and not even quite understanding why -- has improved greatly, because I understand even better now that even when he's doing the completely wrong thing, it's because he thinks what he's doing is best for me. We acknowledged from the beginning that I was much sadder than he was, but that detail was never really important.
The counselor was right, that it took about 3 months before I definitely saw a long-term improvement in how I felt. Oh, there were lots of short-term improvements, but they were always followed by crashes. And since I got a BFP 3 months after losing Beiron, I cannot honestly say if the improvement would have been the same if I hadn't been pregnant again so quickly. And even so, as I'm sure you understand, I'm not "all better" now, and I won't be all better even after Kebab is born. I never really will be -- even if in the future I might cry over what I've been through once a year rather than once a week. And I believe DH understands that part, too.
So I hope that there's something in there that can help you explain a little to your DF -- and help you understand him better. I firmly believe that he is afraid of you continuing to be sad because it would mean he has failed; that he's trying to do what's best for you but that it's kind of the opposite of what you need. Your grief is very much like a puss building up in your body, and you need to be able to drain that ooze out of you by crying and pondering and being sad for a while now. Otherwise, if you bottle it up, even for DF's sake, 10 years from now it might explode in your face when you least expect it... and THAT, I can assure you, is not fun. That's what I did with 4 or 5 other traumatic experiences in my life, bottling them up because my mom or my ex or someone else wanted me to be a tough Minnesota Lutheran and pretend I was happy -- but then when I lost Beiron, all of that un-handled grief came up to the surface as well, and I was suddenly handling 5 painful experiences all at once.
If nothing else, maybe he can understand that Jayvan was due -- what, in May? So there are still 4 months left in which your life will be very different from what your heart had vividly imagined.
I hope you don't think I'm naggy or long-winded or out of line with my sermoning, but I hate to think of that kind of irony where two people make each other sad with behavior that actually comes from them loving each other!
Last edited by Tildy; January 16th, 2009 at 03:46 AM.
Tildy, I don't know about everyone else but I have the best DH in the world and even I cut and past some of your post to send to him. It is spot on and I think every DH out there could get some value out of it. The doctors over there may be dodgy but your counsellor sounds like a gem!!
Beata, thinking of you today darling. One last good luck wish and
Jo, best of luck with the scan today. I know it is very hard and frustrating to sit and do nothing - I only did it for a week and a half and felt like I was going insane but please try not to do anything but grow a health baby girl. There will be plenty of time to do household domestics when she arrives safe and sound.
Theresa, how wonderful to get a doctor's confirmation isnt it? I am glad you're making a quick move to see your OB and ensure this pg goes smoothly. Wish you the best of luck and look forward to see your ticker speed along.
Megan, you should be getting ready to test soon shouldn't you?
Tildy WOW, I am sitting here in awe at your advice to Teagz. A lot of what you said has switched a light on in my head so thank you for the inspiring pep talk. Infact, I want DH to read the part about what your counselor said as he is a beautiful caring man but is also a bit of a "try to fix her up-erer".
Paula, the things you say are very witty you also make me laugh. Keep em coming! Thanks for rallying beside me. I may ask you to come to my old OBs office and help me take him down. I am sure I would be nursing Sebastian today if it wasn't for his negligence, and so now I am also blaming him for this snowball effect - my mental cycles, the mid cycle bleeding, 2 aggressive D&Cs, for not being able to fall pregnant quickly, for having to go through IVF and especially for putting pressure and stress on my relationship with DH. I am a bitter woman today.
Teagz, I think what Tildy said to you can't be topped so won't even try. I will just keep sending you HUGE hugs and wish you a BFP asap.
I would love with all my heart to get a BFP before starting IVF but don't think it is going to happen this month. DH and I have been BD like crazy since about day 10 so I think I have worn him out. He (literally) was not "UP" for it last night and I am now as cranky as hell. I woke up very bitter and annoyed and he was very sad that he "failed" me. I know it's not entirely his fault as I really was not in the mood so I was putting the pressure on him to hurry up and the whole thing was just a "flop". Means I BD on one POSSIBLE fertile day only (Tuesday night)
Good morning to all.
Last edited by dd0207; January 16th, 2009 at 01:53 PM.
Diana, I don't think I'll test unless AF is late, which is a week and a bit away. I think I'll just get disappointed if I test and get a BPN. Even though AF will also be upsetting, I think I just get anxious about doing the test, but who knows maybe I'll change my mind. I know how stressful it can be DTD on demand, sometimes things just don't happen, it can be really stressful for guys. It doesn't feel very natural does it. Your not alone on that one. It only takes one swimmer, so you never know, if not you know that your about to embark on a journey that is so sophisticated these days where many many women have been successful. Praying for you
Rozzie, sorry that the 'hospital class' was so upsetting. Just being around healthy pregnant women complaining would have been enough to send me mad. I am sure you & DH will make the right decision about how to deliver and it sounds like you have a great OB, so I am sure everything will go fine and you'll be closely watched. Congrat's on the pram purchase. The nappy thing made me laugh, I can see my DH saying the same thing, he wouldn't have a clue.
Sue, glad to hear that Lilly is growing nice and strong with a good heartbeat Sorry to hear about your DH's job, it is such an awful time right now. I hope that he finds a fantastic job soon.
Jo, great news about the scan and your progress. Enjoy getting about abit, but take care of yourself!
Tildy, nicely said. Despite the fact that you have obviously gone through hell, it is nice that you are able to pass on words of wisdom to others.
Theresa - What a nightmare that sounds. I thought it was bad enough having to wait over night in hopsital for a D&C... I even thought it was bad enough having to wait to be induced for 4 hours. You're very strong and brave to have endured that, and Rozzie too.
I remember when they found Jayvan's heart had stopped beating - I was sent to an urgent u/s after our Dr couldn't pick up his heart beat on a doppler machine (As "reassurance" that bub was still healthy and kickin around, 5 hours later) and when I asked the tech if his heart was beating she said "no"... Like I had asked her if they sky was green.
Well, I don't really have much to stay this morning. DF is at work and it's hot as.
Berry1 - I hope AF doesn't come back for another 10 months
Loves to everyone else! I'm going to clean my pigsty of a house. x
Theresa, whenever I hear any of our stories about childbirth etc it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. It really is as if I feel my own pain all over again. I think that is what makes this group so great because we all understand exactly what each other is going through.
I hope you get all your appointments sooner rather than later, it is going to be so exciting watching this pregnancy progress.
Megan, we are going to be testing on the same day, how exciting. DH was asking me last night why we couldn't test earlier because with Charlie I did one of the early detection tests and got the slightest BFP (had to squint really really hard and hold the stick up to the light and even then wasn't sure!!) we did another one the next day on full bladder and had it confirmed. So we new a few days before AF was due. This time though I want to wait till my girlfriend is here. Remember she's the one who was here when I lost Charlie. She is 5mths PG herself but it doesn't bother me at all because she knows exactly how lucky she is. Not only did she experience lsoing Charlie with me but she has suffered a miscarriage and has had a lot of trouble getting PG herself. She actually got her BFP the night before she was about the start the whole IVF process!
AFM: its kinda strange, as I've been monitoring myself so closely over the last few months trying to get the meds etc right for my thyroid/progesterone issues I am extremely in tune with my bod and my cycles atm. Anyway I have been noticing a few very subtle symptoms this week (aside from the bloating caused by my cheese and spinach roll that is!). On there own they don't really mean anything but when I put them altogether I am really starting to think I am going to be getting a BFP this month. I have been slightly nauseas in the morning, but its kind of that tired nausea you get when you are super tired. It seems to go once I get up and get moving. I have also been really tired, but I get pretty sleepy sometimes when I am using the progesterone cream. I had a massage yesterday and got super dizzy when I stood up, which never usually happens. I have been slightly constipated (TMI) which is also not uncommon for me between ovulation and AF but it has not been a problem since I've been using the cream so??? Every now and then I get a bit of a tingle in my BB's. HHHmmmm what else... oh and I have had the slightests of headaches for the last 24 hours which there is no reason for.
So as you can see, nothing concrete but all the signs seem to be pointing in the right direction. Am trying not get my hopes up though. DH reckons I am for sure, but to be honest... what would he know he is only a guy and they really have no idea about these things!!
Hi to all my lovely ladies and lets hope this time next week I have a BFP to report. I'm not sure if I'll test next Saturday or Sunday. I think AF is due Sunday?? Probably won't be able to help myself though and will POAS Saturday!
Paula, I really hope you are right about all the 'little signs' and that you get a BFP next weekend. Funny that our days are exactly the same! I really hope this is your month
I was reading last night about the earliest time you can get a BFP & they say 14-days after O, so I may do a test once I know that 14-days have past, otherwise AF may come in that time anyway - positive aren't I! Just don't want to do a test and see a BFN. I am feeling very hormonal, break-out on my face, feels like I'm 16, so awful. I doubt that is a sign of anything other than just hormones
Theresa, our posts must have crossed last night. How absolutely awful, you poor thing. You just expect when you are going through a traumatic time that people will do what they can to make it as bearable as possible. This time is going to be very different for you, you'll get your healthy baby this time
I have realised what the main problem was after my melt down on Tuesday night. DF had consoled me and assured me that everything would be ok and gave me a hug. He then said he was going out to take the dog for a walk, and I just wanted to stay home and be sad that night, but he went anyway. I ended up chasing him down the street all stroppy at him because I wanted him to stay home and be sad with me ><; (yeah I'm overly dramatic when I'm upset) and it turned it into a bit of cat fight but because I had expected DF to be a mind reader and because he wasn't I got mad at him for just being human. I should have just told him "Stay home with me, i just want to have a cuddle and cry tonight on the couch". I don't think you should expect anyone to be a mind reader, really and a councellor would probably remind me of that as well
I know DF gets frustrated with me when I cry as well and I only learnt why when I went back to hopsital to have my D&C, and it's exactly what you have said. It upsets him and he doesn't know what to do. He blew my socks off when he told me that because I genuinely thought that I just ****ed him off when I got upset. He is coming around though, and I have told him all I need is a hug when I cry! There is nothing else He needs to do or say to me that can ease my pain better than a nice big hug and he has been doing that.
He has been so so good through this whole emotional process, and I don't meant to make him sound like a complete butt when I have a whine because he has really been there for me in his own way and I love the fact that he's still able to put some normalcy into my life and make me smile as I"m still getting "The Pitty Look" from everyone else.
So, You are not naggy nor long-winded and I'll definately be taking your advise on board because you have definately hit the nail on the head! And for that my mind feels a little less foggy this morning! xxx
Hi ladies
Well my scan went perfectly and my cervix has somehow managed to grow again and I am up near 4cm now! I am a little dubious as the sonographer today was very quick but they have a doctor double check everything before the report is done and he actually estimated more than her so it probably isn't too far off, if at all.
So anyway we then saw my ob and he is very happy and said I can modify my resting now but still take it easy. So, yay, I can go to the shops occasionally and get the mail from the mailbox - ah, the little things. I have another scan at 28 weeks along with my GD test and then we'll evaluate again from there.
Sorry for the short post - DH is wanting the computer.
BBL x
Hasnt it been a bugger with BB off-line all the time!!!!!
Tildy - you are amazing woman and it totally made sense. I am lucky that I have a wonderful understanding DH and during this pregnancy he has put up with a lot!!!! But you are exactly right in how they feel etc.
Jo - what wonderful news. I bet you are absolutely thrilled that you can do little trips out.
Beata - thinking of you and hoping all is OK.
AFM - saw Ob yesterday and he is happy with progress, got to hear Lily's heartbeat, so that is reassuring. Though when I got home last night, the recession has hit home. Poor DH company he works for is struggling and looks like wont survive. He is off the next couple of days and they will contact him Monday whether to come back or not. Looks like he is off job hunting!!! Quite scary actually, been hearing about lots and lots of companies folding. Also where I work, I am getting liquidaton letters all the time of companies which have folded and they are looking for payments of bills etc.
Sorry to everybody else I missed, are busy at work, but will be back on later.
WOOOHOOO JO! Your a very clever little chicken! You can now officially go back and tell that silly midwife, not to ever say to another pregnant lady that they won't be going home! You are dynamite.
Tildy - Yep have to agree too!
Sue - Glad you got to hear Lily yesterday, I can't wait for my next scan....
Hi to everyone, Lan if you are lurking, big hug for you.
Last edited by hgirs; January 16th, 2009 at 04:03 PM.
Sorry to hear about your DH's job, it is such an awful time right now. I hope that he finds a fantastic job soon.
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