Thanks everyone. You have no idea how many times I popped in to edit and remove the 'breakdown' section of my post.. but i think I knew that I had reach supression overload. I tend to sepress my grief over my lost babies for many reasons, guilt that it is somehow my fault, the fact that most of my family and friends don't even know about my angels (too scarred to talk about pg until past the first tri, and with my boys because of the fact dh and I had seperated so didn't want to be listening to all the family garbage that was to go with being pg) and also because I worry that it will somehow affect Brigid. I know this just means when the tough shell cracks its like a flood but I can't explain why I have to handle things like this, it definately isn't healthy or helping. I can honestly say joining you all has given me the courage to face my losses and embrace my babies that were meant to fly not walk.

Naming - because of my history I tend to not get attached too much to my darlings until after the first tri, then I nicname them. Brigid was Bigfoot because of a comment the sonographer made about the size of her feet. The boys were t1 & t2 and also bert and ernie.. So I suppose I could call them Bert and Ernie as I have relatives of those names also. I was tossing up naming them Thomas (the twin) and Cogan (co-wan, old irish name meaning "of a multiple birth'). I feel I need to also name B's lost twin, even if it is just something like LittleFoot, because of when she is older and I decide to tell her about her lost twin it will be nicer to have a name for the angel.

For my unknown angels I was thinking maybe if I named them after the birth stone or flower for the months of the year they were lost in. Or maybe even breeds of birds, because they grew wings and flew away?

Oh well a least I feel much better after my catartic breakdown of yesterday and thank you all so so much for the support and re-assurance you have given me.

Mel and Lynn - thinking of you every night before bed and sending anti AF and BFP vibes your way. OK that sounds wierd... I meditate before bed and concentrate on things then send out positive energy towards them, I don't know if it does anything other than help me sleep but you never know.