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Thread: TTC after Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth after the 1st trimester ~Jan #2

  1. #91

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    I just checked the start of the thread and it says the moderators are



    Kirsty
    Flowerchild
    Tiggy, and
    Cailin

    Well Kirsty isn't anymore, Flowerchild hasn't been here in about 2 months and I have never read a post from Tiggy or Cailin so perhaps we have been dumped Only kidding but it would be nice to hear from them once in a while, I like hearing from my mummy moderators. Big sook I know but I miss Kirsty and Flowerchild.

    If you are out there, don't be strangers, I hope you and your families are well.

    Love Spring

  2. #92

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    Hi Girls

    Clare: I was glad to hear that all is well with little splodge and great that you got the extra 5 days, that always helps!

    Mel Hope things are looking up, I do wish we were all closer (living) so we could just go I need a coffee and meet or something but as I have said before those things that dot kill us make us stronger and Spring is right the lose of a child is so challenging on a relationship, we just need to take time and work through it, my DH as good as he is, finds it hard to voice things the right way, I think its a male thing! I hope your weekend has been relaxing and your hairs im sure looks great what colour did you go?

    Spring Im so glad your feeling so tired......in a good way its such a great sign! I hope your time is passing fast, when is your next scan?

    Lynn Im so sorry your feeling like this at the moment, I do wish I could just give you a big hug and make it all better, you know you can call me anytime even though I havnt been here I thinking about you (and all the girls here) Im just trying to keep busy to make time pass......not that its working! The craft show sounded wonderful, did they have scapbooking stuff out there, any good ideas?

    Mish Nice to hear from you, I hope you can join us more.

    Bailey Hows everthing going?

    As I said Ive been trying to keep busy, I have this very empty feeling deep down that this is not going to be a good month, I dont think Im pregnant............which means thats it. Sorry girls I hate being so negative but S#@%........it just sucks, everyday I take a whole lot of tablets from the time i wake up till just before going to bed, insert 1 perg supp morning and night, inject a needle to thin my blood,put on 15extra kilos, and look hay presto..............nothing, nothing. I know life was not meant to be easy but this hard to do something "so natural"

    I going to go I think I need a walk some freash air or something or just go back to bed and wake up on a better side!!!! Sorry

    anyway I do hope you have all had a great weekend or even just relaxed, hopfully next time I get on here my head will be a little happier.

  3. #93

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    Dream: Oh sweetie, I had no idea that you go through so much day to day. I can't imagine how you must just get fed up with that routine. You are entitled to feel negative, but don't give up on a BFP just yet. When is AF due? I am going to absoultely cover you in baby dust. I hope that you feel better after a walk. Take care honey, I think you are Amazing.

    Well it has been kinda quiet in here. I guess I keep forgetting that people actually have lives unlike me Poor me I know, I am just missing DH like mad. I swear I have the most high maintenance dogs in the world. It has basically been storming on and off since last night and poor little Frank gets totally freaked out. He just won't sit still and whines like the sky is falling the entire time. He gets so worked up that he pants like crazy and looks like he is going to hyperventilate. Even if he is inside with me, he still gets worked up. We call him chicken little because he honestly thinks the sky is falling. Well I spent the entire night trying to reassure him it wasn't the end of the world. When DH is here he tells him to cut it out and he stops, well with me, I just don't have the same effect and he goes on like an absolute maniac. I know I treat my dogs like my children but they are my family so high maintenance or not, I love them. I just don't want him to freak out and give himself a heart attack. Poor little chicken little.

    Apart from that nothing to report. I have been feeling nauseous on and off but nothing I can't handle. I sort of had a breakdown on the phone to DH last night and he has promised that no matter how much work he has to do, he is going to come home on weekends. It makes me feel so much better. He has a huge test tomorrow which they have to get 80% just to pass, so after that he will be mine on weekends again. I know I have gone on a bit about myself but apart from talking to my crazy dogs, this is the only interaction I have really had. Well apart from chatting to my big sis this morning. She is in Brissy and was amazing when we lost Harrison. The things she did for us and still does I will never forget. Anyway it is really hard talking to her because she doesn't know I'm UTD. The reason I haven't told her is because I don't want to break her heart again if something goes wrong. So I have to be really careful when talking to her that I don't slip up. Anyway, she wants to plan a holiday with me later in this year, sort of hard to seem excited when hopefully I won't be going anywhere because of the bub. Oh well, she is going to do some reseach into either NZ or TAS and let me know the costs. I now it is a little deceitful but I know she won't care once I tell her I am not going and why. I won't let it get so far as booking, only 4 weeks before my 12 week scan and then I can tell her.

    Well I really have been going on so if you have made it this far through my boring post congrats.

    I'll pop in later to see if anyone else has visited. Although it will be early to bed for me and the puppies to make up for last night.

    Luv Spring

  4. #94

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    I know it is stupid and supersitious but I just realised I was at 213 posts so I wanted to get to 214.

    Crazy, I know

    LoL Spring

  5. #95

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    Hi
    Sorry I have not really been posting since my original post a couple of weeks ago - things have been very tough recently and I am still coming to terms with what has happened.

    Spring Angel - I know what you mean about your dogs being your family - our dog is very high maintanence but we could not do without her. She is terrified of storms and we have had quite a few lately so she has jumped the fence and run away 3 times in the last two weeks. Fortunately we have got her back with minor cuts and bruises - we are going to try to desensitize her to the noise and hopefully will stop her trying to run away!!

    I have read through all the posts but am finding it hard to know how to respond at the moment - please bear with me and I will be more chatty soon I am sure.

    T.

  6. #96

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    Hi Tess

    Nice to see that you are back hun.. Don't feel like you have to do personals and catch up on everyone, I'm just glad that your back.

    You mentioned the last few weeks have been tough, I hope you are doing a little bit better. Just take your time mate, until then just know that we are all here for you.

    PS I get the award for Thread HOG today. (lol)

  7. #97

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    Nat you know I am thinking of you I wish so much that this is your month. Please don't give up on your BFP until the wicked witch sings. I wish I could stop her from visiting you, you deserve a BFP so much. How was your walk? Anyway I will chat to you tomorrow. Maybe we can cheer each other up.

    Spring - remember I am just around the corner or just at the end of the phone if you ever need a chat or want to catch up. I don't want you to feel alone especially when your family don't know that you are UTD so you can't talk to them. Just know that I am here for you. That is great that DH will come home on weekends. I hope the week goes fast for you so DH will be home before you know it. Sounds like your boys are keeping you busy. Poor Frank - I hope he is ok today. My girls are pretty good with storms, it doesn't really bother them. I know exactly what you mean about treating them like your kids. I do it and I think some people think I am weird sometimes. I don't care, they are my girls and they help me through each day. And you can talk to them and they listen but don't talk back!!!

    Tess - welcome back. Hope to see more of you. Just know that we are all here for you when you are ready to talk.

    Well I went to my friends place and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I got upset when I got there and that was just hugging my friend and her DH! It was just nice to get hugs. The 1 year old was running around and didn't really know what was going on. The 4 year old was in trouble for something he had done before we got there so he was hiding in his room. He eventually came out and said hi Aunty Lynnie and that was it. It was weird, I didn't really feel anything when I saw the kids. I didn't feel sad but I didn't feel happy. I don't know what I felt. DH started playing cricket with the 4 year old and it sort of made me upset because I wished that he had his own son to play with (not that Cooper would be able to play cricket yet but ykwim). I thought I was doing ok until we were leaving and I justed started thinking that Cooper and the 1 year old could have been playing buddies as they are closer in age than his brother. I also wished that my friend had the chance to meet Cooper and hold him and see how beautiful he is. I am just glad that I got through this next step and I'm glad that the kids helped with this because they didn't really say anything to me about Cooper.

    My mum's cousin arrived from England today and we met them out at Cooper's garden at the crematorium. Although he isn't there yet they wanted to see it. It is so hard when you see someone for the first time after something like this has happened because you feel like you go back to the beginning because you start talking about everything. Don't get me wrong, I love talking about Cooper but I always get so upset. They then came back to our place and saw Cooper's memorial garden and everything else that we have done and it was nice to show people.
    Last edited by Lynn; February 11th, 2007 at 08:28 PM.

  8. #98

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    Hi
    Having a tough day today - came back to work last Thursday and was doing okay but this weekend has been a roller-coaster ride and today is just not getting any better. Went to meet my DH for lunch today and the waitress (who we see every week) said "How's the baby?" - I just froze and said "we lost him". I felt awful as though I had carelessly lost my car keys or something. I am sure she felt bad too but why don't people think before they say anything!! Sorry I did not mean to blurt all this out but I am so upset today I cannot concentrate - my poor DH is finding it hard too and it doesn't help him that I keep crying all the time. When will this start to get easier??

    Sorry ladies I just needed to write all this down - I am not asking for answers just trying to clarify things in my own head.

    Thanks, T.

  9. #99

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    Well hello Gorgeous women!

    Firstly I would like to explain my absence from my beloved BB! I have actually been around but not posting since early Jan. Many of you know my story but for those newbies that don't I have had five angels in trying for our 5th child.

    When on holiday's my husband expressed his fears of another pregnancy and his concerns that he may not be able to "do it" again (pregnancy that is!). This truly devastated me though I understood and honoured his right to feel as he did. Anyway we/he have been having counselling to help come together with a resolution. It has been really harrowing for me - wanting so much to have another child yet also being aware of my partners needs also. I am sure you all get it but it's been tough. So I made the decision to stay clear for a while while we sort through. I felt the need to be 'alone' with this until a resolution could be reached.
    My husband has come to a place where he will support another pregnancy. YIPPPEEE! We have agreed though should I have another mid tri loss then we will not try again. I am comfortable with this. I guess he needed to know there was an end in sight. However, I am CERTAIN that next time we will hold a live, pooing, hollering baby at the end!

    I am sure you will all understand. As a Moderator I do feel I need to keep it together a bit and I haven't been feeling so together. I have been watching from afar but I needed to look after me for a while. Think of it as a little bit of stress leave!

    I am not going to try and do personals - as there is way too much news to catch up on.

    Due to our "discussions" I didn't do Clomid this cycle and next cycle my husband is going to be over seas unless he can work some magic and change some dates. Sooo I will be waiting a while by the looks (sad face here!).

    Any way gorgeous ones it's good to be back!

  10. #100

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    Tess, I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. Unfortunately people do say things to us that we find insensitive. I hope she hasn't upset you too much but I know what it is like to say those words to people. I remember having to tell someone that we lost Cooper and it was so hard. You don't know how to say it and you just want the world to swallow you up so you don't have to answer the question.

    I would ask the same questions as you - does it get any easier. I would read posts from Spring and Mel, who lost their boys a few months before me and think how strong they are and how they can support so many people after what they have been through and I thought I could never be in that position. I could never be that strong. But they would say to me that it does get easier as you learn to live with it. I have found that over the weeks I have got stronger and that is thanks to the wonderful women on this forum that have supported me through this. Some days feel as raw as day 1 but I have learnt to live with the pain. The pain doesn't go away. It hurts like hell every day because every day I miss Cooper and wish so much that he was here, just like you wish that Thomas was here. You have lost all the hopes and dreams for Thomas as I have for Cooper and I think that is the hardest thing.

    You will start to go through all sort of emotions that you will ask yourself are these normal. Most of them will be normal but the best advice I can give you is to write down what you are feeling and tell us what you are feeling because we have all gone through it and it is completely normal and we can help you. I know I was thinking that I was so alone and that no-one else has gone through what I am going through but unfortunately there are many of us that are going through the same pain but fortunately we can all support each other through it. By writing here and telling the girls how I was feeling and them responding that it was normal made me feel so much better because I realised I wasn't alone.

    One thing I found out is that men and women grieve differently. I think understanding this helps. I wanted my DH to cry every time I cried. I wanted him to talk to Cooper every time I did. I wanted him to come to the counsellor with me. I didn't think that he was grieving like me and I wondered if he missed Cooper as much as I did. I hate myself for even thinking that now. I know that my DH misses Cooper just as much as I do, he is as much a son to DH as he is to me. My DH gets upset at different things but I know that he grieves for Cooper it is just different to me. You need to cry, it is part of grieving. Your DH will find it hard because he has lost his son, but if you need to cry, cry.

    You are probably thinking that it can't get easier because it hurts so much but just remember that we are all here for you and will help you every step of the way. The support that I have received from these wonderful women have helped me so much. I just hope that I am able to support them and you.

    I can't imagine how hard it is for you to go back to work, because I still haven't done it. I just can't. This little step just shows how much strength you have. Sending you and your DH the biggest and I hope today gets a little better for you.

    Take care and best wishes
    Lynn
    xxxxxxx

  11. #101

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    Hey Deb,

    I am so glad to see that you are back. I totally understand the need for 'you' time. I'm so happy that it gave you and your DH time to discuss what you are going to do next and that you have come to a conclusion that you are both happy with.

    I hope so much that this time is your time and that you do get to hold your pooing, screaming miracle.

    Totally understand you not doing personally - we can talk!! so there is so much to catch up on.

    Welcome back!
    Take care & best wishes
    Lynn

  12. #102

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    Thankyou Lynn...

    Your words to Tess were so very understanding and wise. It does take time. That time is different for us all and the journey is different for us all. Some days you will feel "hey I am doing great" and others you won't feel you can move from your bed.

    I hope Tess that you are feeling a little more okay. It is so very hard when people ask us how the baby is... In time you will be able to answer without bursting into tears. You will. But for now you need those tears so you let them go my love...

  13. #103

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    Tess: Sweetie pie, be easy on yourself, it has only been a month. I know it will feel like a lifetime ago, but you are still at that really raw stage of grief. As Lynn says, still there are some days that are raw and others not so bad, but the best advice I can give you is not to push yourself to far to soon. Are you working full time? Can you afford to work a little less? I admire you so much for having the courage to go back to work so soon. It took me over 3 months to go back to work and I still feel totally overwhelmed. I saw a collegue from Queensland today, and although I am sure he thought he was being discrete, he kept staring at my empty tummy. I got so upset because I hadn't seen him since before I had Harry.

    I am glad that you have been posting your thoughts though. We are all here for you and although there are sometimes when words are just not enough, just know that we are here for you. Yet again, Lynn is right, writing what is going around and around in your mind is really quite theraputic. My DH is such a wonderful sensitive man, but his tears dried up a long time before mine. I wanted him to be as sad as me, because I thought being sad meant showing it physically but then I would catch him giving Harry's urn a kiss, or saying 'morning mate' when he woke up and realised that it was just as tough on him, he just processes his emotions differently.

    I don't know if it gets easier, if you go and read some of my posts from a few months ago you would probably think that I have come so far, but I think the best way I can explain it is that the way you express your grief changes. I find I am getting very anxious and stressed out, Harry's birth keeps running through my head so I have finally decided to get some professional help. It has taken me over 4 months to even feel close to ready to talk to someone. What I am getting at is I think in retrospect, the earlier you ask for help, the better.

    Just know that no matter what, you will always have our compassion and understanding. Hang in there babe.

    FLOWERCHILD: I for one am so happy you are back Flowerchild, you are our Mummy moderator and I have really missed you so much. I respect your decision to have some time out, and I am so very happy that you have come to a decision with DH which you have obviously put a lot of thought and emotion into. Welcome back (she says smiling)

    Mel: Are you ok hun, you have been a little quiet in here lately, I hope you are ok. Let me know how you are going.

    Dream, Mish, Bailey and all you other wonderful women, I hope you are ok. Take care my wonderful women.

    Well me, I have another scan tomorrow, I can't wait to see that strong little 8 week 3 day heartbeat pumping away (see positive thinking) I keep thinking 'what if it happens again' but I can't let myself think that. This baby will be ok and I will be holding them in my arms soon. I am really excited about this weekend. DH is taking me to Taronga Zoo on Saturday as a belated Valentines day. I am such an animal fan so I am as excited as can be to be seeing him and hanging out at the Zoo.

    Well early to bed again.

    Take care my sweeties.
    Love Spring

  14. #104

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    Hey Gals, I hope everyone is well.

    Spring - You are so right about how men grieve diferently. I know that my DP is still having a hard time but you would really never know it because he hides it well and sometimes when I want to talk about it with him, he won't and that upsets me more. But then and different times I will catch him having a look at the urn or just quietly staring off into space and I know he thinking about her. I know he is feeling the same as me, but I think he hides it for me iykwim. He's trying to be the tough one. I just sat here and bawled when I read in your post how your DH says good morning to Harrison, it's so sweet. Have you been to Taronga Zoo yet? You will love it! Good luck with your scan tommorrow and try to get a pic to show us all on sunday.

    Lynn - It's so hard having to go through everything again when you see someone you haven't seen since isn't it? I sometimes feel like a broken record, or like I'm on auto-pilot and go into a script telling my story. I am so glad you were ok after spending the day with your friends and the kids, it must have been hard. I hope you are feeling ok.

    Dream - Don't gove up on a BFP just yet, when is AF due?? for you!!

    Well, I haven't been on much this last week. I have just had such a huge 10 days or so, so I was feeling a little over-whelmed. I had to see the geneticist, started back at work, went to a friends wedding where I had to see many people that I hadn't seen since losing Asha and had my son's party yesterday. There has been so much going on I just realised that life is still going on around me, but I sometimes feel like I am standing still iykwim?? Does anyone else feel that sometimes? Well, a new start this week, and my first week of ttc, so that has given me something to look forward too. I hope you are all well.

  15. #105

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    Hi Girls

    Im sorry to be a downer, just a quick one did a test this morning and big fat BFN. I will post later .

    Deb Im so glad your back and all is good missed you lots.

  16. #106

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    Hi ladies
    Thank you all so much for your kind words - I have sat and cried my eyes out all morning reading them but crying for a different reason (if that makes sense).

    I could have taken more time off work but did not want to sit at home on my own - all our family live in the UK so it is only DH and me in Australia. Never thought it would be a problem but feeling like it is at the moment. Still I have an office on my own so I can shut the door and shut out the world at the same time.

    Good luck with your scan Spring Angel - looking forward to hearing about that heartbeat.

    Bailey - hope work was okay for you this week - it is tough isn't it but as you say life goes on. I feel like I am living someone else's life at the moment and keep having to remind myself that it is happening to me. Hope the geneticist gave you some good news.

    Dream - sorry about the BFN, how many DPO are you? Could it be too early?

    Lyn and Flowerchild - thank you both so much for your lovely words - it really does help.

    I tried to telephone the hospital yesterday for an appointment to discuss what happened but found I just cried when trying to explain my reason for calling so I hung up the phone. Fortunately when I got home there was a letter from the hospital with an appointment date so that makes things easier. Maybe I will finally get some answers as to why it all happened and the chances of it happening again in the future.

    Have a good day, T.

  17. #107

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    Nat - I have just sat here crying at your post. I just hope that it is too early and that by the end of the week you will have your BFP. I have left a message on your machine so if you need to talk, give me a buzz. Babe, thinking of you You are probably at the gym punching the s*%# out of the punching bags or something. Take care and big hugs to you.

    Spring - good luck this afternoon. I'm sure everything will be fine and lil' Spring will be pumping that strong heart and kicking around. Thinking of you. Love your positive thinking!

    Bailey - sounds like you have been busy and keeping your mind on other things. How did DS party go? I know what you mean about life going on and your still standing still. I have felt like this the past few days especially Friday when I lost it. I just felt so alone and that everyone had forgotten and are moving on with their lives. You're not alone on this feeling babe, I'm with you. Good luck on the TTC

    Tess - I hope you get the answers that you are looking for. Take one day at a time, it is still so early for you. Big :hugs: to you.

    Mel - how are you going? You have been a bit quiet lately which worries me because that is not like you. I hope you are ok. I know today is hard, so thinking of you. Don't we wish that Tuesdays could disappear????

    Jo - I hope you are doing ok and that you have lots of support around you. When you are ready, let us know how you are going.

    Mish - I hope you are well.

    Hi to anyone that I have missed.

    Well another Tuesday rolls around and another week without Cooper. Today he would be 11 weeks old. Miss ya buddy, forever in my heart and dreams.

  18. #108

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    Good Morning Lovelies,

    Nat: :hugs: it feels really deflating not to see those two lines. I truly understand. What DPO are you today? I don't know how many preg tests I have almost stood on my head trying to see two lines on... I am so sorry. Big Big Big hugs to you and know I am thinking of you...

    Spring: Thinking of you today as you have your u/s. I am sending you lots of positive thoughts for today.

    Lynn thinking of you and Cooper on his 11 week birthday. Tuesday's must be a tough day for you my love... :hugs:

    Bailey: YAY on your first week of TTC. May the journey be short and sweet for you...
    Yes, sometimes it feels like the world is still turning and you are stopped in suspended animation. I do know that feeling too. I hope today is a good one for you...

    Thankyou all for your warm welcome back. I have missed you all and it's nice to be missed also!

    NOW... We are gonna be seeing some gorgeous in here in no time. Let's all send each other some cyber baby dust and positive thoughts and begin our next journey together. By the end of the year we will have babies in our arms or at least nice fat bulging bellies full of healthy babies. :babydust:

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