TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth Sept 2009

[Gigi1]

Thanks dory, I hope it helps makes someones Xmas a little easier.
Love Hm xox

[cmeglles]

Sorry it has been so long since my last post. Thank you everyone for your words....they really help. I am going over to my in-laws on Sat to celebrate Christmas....hopefully things go ok. If not I am taking your advice and going to try to talk to her.....I found out a friend of mine is pregnant yesterday. I knew she had been trying in order to kinda trap the baby's father into a relationship and felt really bad about her even trying. Of course it led to some more nightmares last night and I am having a rough morning. I wanted to write a note and say how much you all inspire me to have hope and look to the future. I read this blog and immediately feel like I might actually be able to have a healthy child someday. THANK YOU for your continued hope and perseverance.

Aries- I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible year. This holiday must be so difficult. I am sending a lot of hugs your way.

blessedatlast- wow-what a terrible doctor's apt. How are you holding together? Do you have a good group of high risk doctors there? I am so sorry that you got bad news. hugs your way too.

Gigi1- I totally understand how you feel. I can't do anything more than do holiday shopping on the internet. Christmas was always my favorite time of year and now I feel like sometimes I am just trying to keep my head above water. I think your memorial idea is wonderful. Best of luck getting through the next few weeks.

Bring on 2010!

lots of hugs, love and

[dimples]

Hi ladies, sorry if im offending anyone in posting this im just not to sure where to go.
Im 23 years old and in Feb this year my partner and i found out we were having a baby, nothing but pure excitment. I had a pretty good pregnancy really, just morning sickness till 5 months. Then we found out we were having a perfecty healthy little girl.
The last few months flew by and then i was 41 weeks and being induced in hospital.
I loved being pregnant and feeling her kick me, but we were both really excited to meet our little girl. ( so was our whole family, first grandchild for them all )
So everything seemed to go fine, i had three lots of the gel and then finally my waters broke by themselves, was all go from there!
I just stayed in the bath my whole labour. Her heartbeat was checked often and always showed just fine. No one was worried at all.
Then i started pushing and towards the end i think they new something was wrong becuase they gave me a cut to get her out faster. Mabey once they saw her head or something.
So she came out and my partner was going to cut her cord but they quickly did it because she wasnt breathing and she was blue. I remember looking down and expecting to see a pink baby crying and waving arms around but she just didint move.
Suddnly the room was filled with about ten doctors and they were all racing about intubating her and trying to get her to breath.
They told us all she needed was oxygen and she should be fine, so they took her away to the SCBU and we stayed to get my stitched up.
Then the doctor came back with a sad look on her face and we just knew nothing was going good. She said our lil baby girl had been badly brain damaged sometime leading up to my labour and it had been missed because her heart rate was fine, somehow her brain didint get oxygen. Then came the hard decision for us, and that was to try and cool her brain down and mabey try to get her to survive but never be able to walk, talk, eat or communicate. Or we could take her off the life support and let her go while we held her. My partner and i knew we would take her off the life support, we thought if there wasnt something really wrong, she wouldnt pass away.
So they moved my partner and i into a lil room with our baby girl and said it would probly take about 15 minutes. Then as we tried to get all the kisses and cuddles in for a lifetime she started breahting. Then we called our parents and family and they all came and got to hold her and kiss her before she passed away. At about 12 at night we decided to have a qucik nap while she was in her cot, i woke all of sudden and knew i had to hold her so i took her into bed with us and as we held her she took her last breath. She went peacefully but it doesnt make it any easyer.
We took her home with us and had two full days to enjoy her and then we had to do the one thing that parents should neva have to do to their children, bury them.
It was as nice as a funeral could be, there was at least 200 people turn up to send sienna on her way.
So now its 6 weeks later and im finally up to writing all this down. I think it will help.
We knew we would start trying to have a baby again straight away, i know for some people it would be hard to be pregnant after just loosing a child, but we know its the only way for us to be happy again.
I just wanted to say iv been reading your thread for a few weeks and its sucha help knowing ther is more people going thru this. Im sorry to have it happen to anyone but it does help.
So thanks for reading my huge post but im feeling lighter already
x

[blessedatlast]

Dimples.. Firstly, congratulations on becoming parents to a beautiful baby girl! I am so sorry Sienna couldn't stay with us.. Maybe mods would move the post to stories of loss for you?? I am not sure.. You hav definitely come to the right place here at BB for support.. I know you would not be offending anyone by sharing your story. You are very brave. I know when I lost Taite and Seth it took me 6 months to write out the full story.. It is so difficult and confronting.. There are no words but I am sending you lots of

Cmeglles.. I hope your MIL can think before she speaks and lets you have a peaceful Christmas

Gigi1.. That is beautiful idea to honour your baby girl at Christmas.. I am not strong enough to even acknowledge Christmas.. When is it again???

Aries.. I hope you are doing ok hun..

Hi to everyone else I am running out of time! lol..

AFM I have decided to go stick your advice where it fits heart specialist (In the nicest possible way of course) I am still not bleeding!! Woo hoo!! I am there are cells dividing as we speak.. Since it's been so long since I have had a proper cycle I am going to wait til day 30 to test!! Lol That is 9 days away though.. But while there is no AF there is HOPE!!! At least I have stopped bleeding constantly.. I haven't done an OPK cos I would rather use them up when I have a bit more of an idea what my cycles are doing.. Also I am sick of obsessing over it!! (Although I still think about it every time we DTD!! Swim spermies swim, lol) I am going door knocking for jobs today.. Wish me luck!! lots of to us all and here's hoping for a xmas miracle!!

[Samcougar]

Dimples- Im so sorry for your loss . There is noting in this world harder than having to bury your own child. You have come to the right place, the ladies here are wonderfully supportive and you are a truly strong woman, deciding to try again can be a very difficult decision for some people. I wish you a very speedy TTC journey.

Blessed-

I have decided to go stick your advice where it fits heart specialist (In the nicest possible way of course)

lol you tell 'em. Its easy for a doctor to say not to try again, most of them have children or have their career to satisfy them, how do fill that empty hole in your heart? you know something is missing and you know what you need to do to fill it. Goodluck hun, I have my fingers crossed for you. Oh and Goodluck with your door knocking, i hope you find something today!

Gigi- i love your idea for your little one this christmas

Aries- Im so sorry about your Nana I'm sure she is with Alexander giving him lots of cuddles. So sorry your scan didn't go well on Monday, i have my fingers crossed for your next cycle

cmelles- OMG I cant beleive your MIL, has she lost the plot??? She had no right to say that to you! some people really amaze me, they open their mouth before they think! I'm so sorry you had to go through that
Thanks for looking up the Anti-biotic thing, I googled it and pretty much got the same thing (no specifics)

to everyone i missed

I'm praying that Santa brings us all of our christmas wishes

well i better be off, house work to do!

Thinking of you all

[Gigi1]

Dimples, Hun, so very sorry for losing your angel and what you have been through. Each story sadly is as devastating as the next, you are not alone and you have found a lovely group of ladies that will understand some of your pain. Be kind to yourself and do what ever you think is the right thing for you hun. I am so sorry you have this pain. I hope with all my heart that in the remembrance of your little angel, you are able to welcome a little brother or sister for Siena. Beautiful name. Best of luck and all my love for Christmas. x

Blessedatlast, Good luck on the job hunting. If our new found strength on TTC is anything to go by, you have this job hunting licked! HOpe you are blessed again very soon.
x

Cmeglles, nodding in agreeance for 'head above water' sweet. It is a very mixed up time of year for us now. Bitter sweet. Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug. I hope the next few weeks are kind to you too. x

Everyone else, I won't write names, but thinking of you all collectively and wishing it were different for you all this Christmas. Hope you all have a relaxing and peaceful Christmas exactly the way you would like to do it. I am better at preaching this...but don't let anyone make you feel or do anything you don't want to. Keep you hearts safe and take care. xoxo Hope you are all surrounded by love and angels. xx

[Chez67]

Hi lovely ladies

Dimples - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl Sienna. And welcome to our little support group. I wish we could have met under better circumstances. The ladies here are an amazing support group who understand what you are feeling and I am sure none of us are offended by your story. Reading about your story made me think again about losing our son Ryan, under very different circumstances, but all loss is hard to bear. Sending you lots of and best of luck with your TTC journey. I hope it is short one for you.

Blessedatlast - good luck with the door knocking. I really hope that you find a job you really enjoy. And yay for no bleeding! I will be thinking of you over the next 9 days.

cmeglles - I hope your early Christmas with the in-laws went well and that you and your MIL were able to work things out. You don't the need extra stress of worrying about the next thing that will come of out of your MIL's mouth at this time

Gigi1 - your memorial idea for your baby girl is so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes and tightness to my chest that I hadn't felt for quite a while. You are such a strong lady to be able write the notes in the stocking. I am not in that place yet. Maybe next Christmas?

Hi to Samcougar, dory, Aries and Beata. I hope you are all doing ok and coping with the holiday season.

AFM - CD13 and still no sign of O on my fertility monitor. My TCM says that maybe one of my ovaries isn't working too well. Hello! That's what I said to my GP over 4 years ago now, to which her reply was, "oh, that's ok". I thought "no it definitely is not ok". Anyway, I am trying not to hit the panic button just yet. My cycle is still probably working itself out and I will be fine with a cycle that is closer to 28 days rather than the 23 it was last month. I also think that all of the stress I have been under at work for the last 2 weeks probably hasn't helped a bit. So, I am sitting at the airport typing this to you all waiting for our flight to Perth which leaves in 20 minutes. I am so looking forward to having 3 weeks off and trying very hard to relax and reconnect with DH. We have both been working so hard and been very stressed that we have been a bit niggly at each other. Plus it is a hard time of year, as several of you have mentioned. This time last year we were pg and so hopeful for the future.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. I will be staying in touch with BB over the holidays so I really hope to see some BFPs in here soon

Take care all and talk to you soon.

[blessedatlast]

A selfish vent today..

AF arrived yesterday, heavy and cramping.. Merry Christmas to me I don't know why I get my hopes up time and time again.. So here's to another xmas of not holding a baby (or 2) in my arms and no hope of 1 anytime soon..

Sorry I am just feeling angry, bitter and twisted.. NOT HAPPY JAN!! Hope everyone else is ok.. I am going to crawl back under my rock now...

[Gigi1]

Blessedatlast, Hun I am so sorry. What s***y timing all round. I was hoping you would have such good news to stick up the bum of your Cardio dr dude. You are such a brave woman and i know Taite and Seth are with you through every moment this Christmas, so very proud of their mummy. Remind yourself that you are holding those boys and they are holding you. They are right beside you. I know that it is nothing close to what you wish for, to hold a live baby in your arms again, but the boys are there. I am trying not to tell you what to do...what about going to the beach and writing their names in the sand again, holding them in your mind against your heart. I am so sorry if i have said things poorly, out of desperation to help someone, sometimes you just blurt out what you know might help yourself and hope it doesn't hurt the other person. I hope i have not been hurtful. Be gentle and kind with yourself and keep your hope. Another Christmas empty handed is too hard to bear so hold what you have sweet and don't let go. I have no idea how you got through last year christmas but you did and that is inspiration to me. I just have know idea.


Chez, I don't think it will every be easy hun, but that is perfectly ok, just do what you can. FOr me, the pain of not having DD here living this Christmas was too painful, to not do something was too painful, it is so funny the way our minds work.
You know hun, you know your body best...always. I hope your cycle is working itself out. It is pretty common to have a dud ovary...one of mine are. Of absolutely no comfort to know that though, funny that. I think that my body is more or less, one month on one month off. One of mine is so damaged from cysts bursting and removal, it is quite unbalanced lets say.
I hope you enjoy Perth, meant to be lovely over that side...and i hope that brings on Ovulation...! You just never know what the body needs. LOL.
I hope you enjoy that time with Dh and reconnect like you wish. Nothing like a holiday to do that. And the strength you feel is huge when you feel together again on all levels.
My Christmas wish for you, to feel love like never before, to ovulate...and to have your baby Ryan in your arms every night when you go to sleep.
My blessings and love, HM xoxo

Love to you all and hope you are all travelling ok. xx

[dory]

Oh Gigi1 - oh darling, such sweet words for blessedatlast. What a beautiful heart.

Blessedatlast - I am with you sis. I am sorry ole AF arrived and it's not what you wanted. Seth and Tait are proud of you and they will give you strength, even when you don't think you can be strong anymore. I am sorry that your cardiologist wasn't more promising. You are amazing. I wish I could make it better for you with a wave o my magic wand.... but I can't, but I can give you my love and support.

Chez67 - I am with you girl, this time of year is hard, for many reasons, amongst them, because I was pregnant and hopeful and only one loss down this time last year.

Aries - I am sorry about your Nan, but I like the mental picture of your mum and you working on the eulogy.

Cmegelles - how did you go wit the MIL?

Haven't heard from Teagz for a while - how you doing?

Hi to Beata too. How you doing?

Dimples - hey sis, I am so sad that your precious Sienna, isn't in your arms right now. She will be forever in your heart. Your description of your time with Sienna was beautiful, even though heartbreaking. You have some very precious memories - and simply amazing to have so many people attend to remember Sienna, it's a testament to her but also to you and the beautiful person you must be to have touched so many other people. Hope you're doing ok. It's a heavy burden.

Sorry if I missed anyone.......I am thinking of you all. I sometimes get lost in the threads sometimes and forget to come back to this one, and being in here can be pretty hard sometimes. go gently.

[Aries]

Hi Ladies

I just wanted to pop in quickly, just on my way out. I wanted to thank you all for your support, kind words, thoughts and advice that you have given me this year. I could not have made sense of it all without you.

I am finding Christmas really hard to deal with.... and I am sure I am not the only one. Sending you all my biggest hugs for tomorrow and the holidays, and wishing 2010 to be our year.

Merry Christmas to our little angels xox

Take care

[Miss.B]

Good morning lovely ladies,

Just popping in to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I know it's not easy, even though I have a little one on the way, I still miss Joshua like crazy, especially at Christmas time. He should be unwrapping all his wonderful presents from his family and giggling away (he woud have been 10 months old this month) . I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you all, and sending you some big ,big hugs. I hope the day is as gentle to you as possible, I know our angels are holding our hands today.

I hope and pray that next Christmas is very special for all of us, celebrating with new bubbas!! Lots of to all!

All my love
Beata xxx

[dory]

Beata70 - I know what you mean about thinking about what should have been. I think your little Joshua is still with you, just not in a way you would prefer him to be. I think he's with you every moment and never far away.

If things were as they should have been , my wee little sprite would have been 9 months old, my Amelia would have been 6 months and the twins Nicholas and Sophie either just born or about to be born. But if the sprite had been ok, Amelia wouldn't ave come along. And if Amelia was ok, then the twins wouldn't have come along. Each of my precious little ones has just been a blessing. I can't choose between my little angels as each one has a special place in my heart.

Just like your Joshua. Just because you're PG now doesn't mean that you should miss your Joshua any less. He's your special little boy and always will be.

Aries - I know what you mean, each and every one of the ladies in here is a simply amazing woman, who all give each other just a little more strength and support when needed. You know you give your fair share of support and strength too, so thanks to you too.

[dory]

Hey gals - it's quiet in here - how is everyone going? Thinking of you.

[cmeglles]

Hello everyone. Just wanted to drop a note and say I survived christmas ith the in-laws....my MIL is still saying some hurtful things, but it helps knowing that she is just a little off and has now moved away for the rest of the year.

I just wanted to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR. I am hoping and praying that 2010 will be the year for all of us. healthy babies by the end of the year. I am really looking forward to letting this year close. 2009 was just terrible for us, in addition to losing our baby I also lost 2 grandparents this year. 2010 just has GOT to be better. Hopefully for ALL of us.

I hope everyone got through Christmas ok. We had a few tears, but are trying to be as hopeful for next year as we can be.

Dimples: Just wanted to say welcome to our group. I am sorry to meet you in this way, this is a great and supportive group who know about love and loss here.

love to all from the Northeast USA!

cmeglles

[Gigi1]

Hi Girls
I second Cmegles, Dory and others.
Got through Christmas, we didn't enjoy it too much but we survived. My nephew opened his presents and they were a hit. Broke our bruised heart in a bitter sweet moment, seeing his excitement and happiness. Wish our little girl was here too for her first Christmas with her cousin. He is right into Babies at the moment and he would have been doting over her.
Just did some retail therapy in Spotlight...boy i have to start sewing soon to use up all the stuff i have bought since DD was on the way.
I want this year over with. I am not normally a negative person, but tonight it is a quiet one at home for me. DH is working and I just want 2009 history. Not what happened but I need the pain to soften a little. I need the anger to fade a little. I want it over. BUT, there is a part of me that is so sad to let this year go, the year our little girl was born. I hate that everything is great and **** in the same breath.
Well now that is off my chest.
There is a very real chance we made a baby on Christmas Eve, You never know. I think we are still a month or two off as i have a cyst at the moment and I know i need to detox. But you never know and not for lack of trying as always. I am not quite ready i guess and i hope it will be a month or two away but we are happy either way and it will be a trying time now or later. I think i am tired, This year has made me tired. I feel like i have aged too.
Oh i think i might go and what a dvd, i am not very positive today. SOrry to bring anyone down and hope you all have a wonderful new years eve.
I hope 2010 will bring you much joy and fortune.
Love HM xoxo

[Miss.B]

Hi Ladies,

Dory, thanks hun.

Just popped in to wish you all lovely ladies a wonderful New Year 2010, I hope it brings you a precious little bundle May 2010 bring you all that you wish for, good health, good fortune and lots of love for everyone.

B x

[Chez67]

Hi lovely ladies

Just wanted to pop in and wish you all a happy new year for 2010! I really hope that this year brings us lots of happiness and our healthy earthbound babies to hold in our arms and love

oxo