TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth Sept 2009

[Samcougar]

Good Morning Ladies,

Beata- I'm so sorry about your cat, It's such a tough decision to have any animal put to sleep. I hope your Ok

Blessed- I hope everything works out ok with you and DP, I hope counselling helps you work out your differences. Goodluck hun.

Chez- Please slow down and relax, don't push it too much! Being stressed and tired never helps anyone, it only adds to problems. Be gentle with yourself you deserve that. Goodluck with your TWW.

Hello to Dory, Gigi, Crumpet, Cmeglles and CharlieB, I hope i havent missed anyone.

well BFN for me. So just waiting for AF to arrive, I think this has made us more determined to try again, being so close but so far away. so full steam ahead from now on!

[Chez67]

Hi ladies

Blessedatlast - I am so pleased to here that you and DP are giving it another shot. Facing your relationship problems can be one life's hardest but most rewarding challenges. I hope that counselling brings what your DP needs and he starts to open up a bit more. I wish you and DP all the best for the future

Samcougar - sorry about your BFN hun. Good on you for not letting it get you down - full steam ahead - great attitude!

Beata - how sad for you to have lost your pussy cat, and having her pass away in your arms must have been heartwrenching. I can't imagine what that would be like. I got one of my cats cremated and I have her ashes with me in my study, beside a photo of her. I still think about her and am glad that I have her close to me. On another note... what are you in hospital for next week? Is that time already?

Dory - thanks hun. I am feeling much better now. I had a reasonably quiet day yesterday and plan to have a relaxing afternoon today. I have decided to make sure I leave work by 4.30pm each day, regardless. Staying for that extra 30 mins or an hour won't make all of my work go away. And I will try to get out of the office, even if it just for 15 mins each day to get some fresh air and think about something other than work.

Hi to crumpet, charlieB, Gigi1 and everyone else! Hope you are doing ok.

AFM, nothing to update. DH leaves for interstate again this afternoon, but he's only away for one night this time. I don't like it when he goes away, but I will try to keep myself distracted with a jigsaw puzzle that I spent several hours on yesterday. I hadn't touched it since Christmas. I love doing jigsaws - they turn my brain off and I feel very relaxed, which must be a good thing!

Gotta go and get some lunch. Take care all.
oxo

[Gigi1]

Hi Girls,
Yesterday is done...

Chez- i slept 11 hours too last night, I hope the TWW goes quickly for you and you can find out whether you have a little surprise waiting for you. xoxo I know i was completely over doing it...i just let myself be and focused that this week i will chill. It felt good making that effort. The best gift i have is love and effort. That is most of what i can give. I have not been able to do that much over the last year. xx Good luck sweety

Dory- yep i am supposed to be taking it easy. I just found that coping meant me going a bit overboard preparing for it...busy busy. I think it is also a feeling of being needed and making it a really special day for her, making the most of every experience. No you haven't miss anything, just didn't think i should be specific for privacy reasons. I can Pm you. It is diagnositc, alternative and looks at the meridians and energy etc. I am looking forward to it.

Beata- I am sorry hun. Sending you love and peace. I hope the days get lighter and you can find what you need within yourself for next week. Never mad at you hun, your truth is what I treasure most.
Blessedatlast- Oh boy you have had so much to handle. I hope you get a good counsellor hun and i hope it helps you through this. Relationships or money not going well can be a huge stress...fills that cup pretty quickly. Friends of mine are going through a hellish time together right now and all i can say from watching them is be as honest as you can about the deep things. I hope your DH can be too. Men can find their brave if they don't give up searching for it. My friends have got caught up in the small everyday things and can never get past them to reach the deeper issues. They are both trying to fix each other all the time. It is really sad. I have hope for you hun. i don't know you or your relationship but knowing a little of what you have been through together, i have much hope that you will find that foundation to build your new life together. Good Luck sweety.
Samcougar- Bu55er hun, That is a shame, i am sorry it was not a goer this month. I love your get up and go attitude though. You are incredible at picking yourself up. Good luck for the coming month.
I have forgotten someone I am sure, Sorry, I have to try and catch up later.

AFM- Well yesterday went well, I think she had a lovely day.
I even mended some issues with my mum...well sort of. I bought her 2 baby chicks for her lovely garden and to say thank you for the things she will give us sometimes. A gift can do wonders for a relationship...although I am still not ready, nor do i know if i ever will be, to let her in as she would like me to. I still have her at arms length and she will just have to be happy with what i can give for now. She wants me to be her baby girl...little girl, child, need her. I am a grown woman with my own family. Anyway...another, long story.
As for the Baby Shower I just tried to stay bubbly and i didn't hold babies or look at them too much. It didn't look out of place luckily as i had lots to do. I didn't stay in any long and lengthy conversation. Just kept myself moving around...organising.
My SIL loved the gift i made her...ended up being passed around for everyone to see. How sweet of her. if she was doing it to take care of my ego..it worked. I made her a wrap and a baby elephant. My first go at the elephant...i had to make up my own pattern from a tiny little one i had. I incorporated some of my grandmas doileys and linen into it....which by the way i am collecting by means of donation. If you have any old linens, doileys, laces, ribbons and fabric, antique or old...i would love to take it off your hands and make something special out of it. I want o try and sell things but to buy the linen ...is too expensive for me atm, well too expensive to get anything back for it. I have come to realise that so many people have stuff in their cupboards and will never use it...It is sad but these beautiful pieces will rot and die with our generation. So i want to 'mod' them up and start a business with it...that is the plan.
The day before the baby shower however, did go so well. I ended up screaming at my brother. None of them have ever seen me with such extreme emotion. I left so upset with myself and so worked up. I won't go into why for privacy. He was angry and it frightened me, but when i left his comments were along the lines of...what is wrong with her. I know i didn't behave well but it doesn't excuse his behaviour. He thinks he is above us all and his actions are excusable. He NEVER apologises for anything. I just cracked. I can't and won't blame it on where i am at atm however i know my cup is full. It doesn't take from the fact he was being wrong. Now he is not talking to me and there is a HUGE elephant in the room. Oh joy, why oh why is family so stressfu at times. I have trouble with it because my family was always a pretty good source of 'normal' before the last year. I just try to find how i can improve myself...

AF arrived today, well last night. It confirms OV was late. I still have the CMV in my system so another month off the TTC train. I think it is ok although i am fast approaching a point when we will stop trying to fall pregnant. I just keep hoping that i twill happen soon.
So here is to resting...and getting some housework, sewing and washing done...slooowly! At least i got a good sleep last night. Going to make myself a chai late.

[crumpet]

Crumpet - There's a lot of research on cervical incompetence, and some of the figures are really promising. You'll get there! I am the subject of a big debate - do I have incompet cervix or not? Can that be the cause of my preterm labour? One school says it's not clear - I don't fit the classical definition and some of the classical indicators are not there. It's not ruled out, but it's not clear cut either. The other school says - asbolutely. Get a stitch and get it early. One of the very concerning risks for me is risk of infection following the proceedure. One school days, no worries we'll knock it out with a good dose of i/v antibiotics, the other says, with you? Not so sure. Anyway, the end result of all of that, is there are no clear answers for me and I am going to be faced with a big decision fairly soon. A bit scary really, to have the future of this pg so squarely in my hands, and experts at 20 paces not able to offer a clear path.

oh wow u poor thing, that makesit hard for next time to make the decision to stitich or not!!!
my OB has said i have all the classic indicators and when i had the D&C to remove the retained palcenta he said my cervix is definatly not in the condition it should be....he said he would expect someone who had things like cone biopsy's, or laser surgery or 6-7 terminations to have a cervix like mine, but ive had nothing at all done to it.....
we will be stitching at 12-13 weeks when im preg, on the recommendation of my OB, who we trust whole heartedly, with that a night in hospy on anti biotics to help reduce any risk of infection..... id rather not have to do it, but we have been told its our only chance of carrying a bub long enough to have it survive or to get to 37 weeks.......
have u got a OB u could speak to rather than hearing 2 different things>??

Hi again ladies..

Well, DP and I are still together.. I had the place all ready to move into but I just couldn't bring myself to pack my stuff and leave.. We do love each other but communication is a problem.. I do it too much, he not at all.. We both don't want the relationship to end and both agree there needs to be changes. We are going to try counselling. I am all for it, he said he would try it, anything to try and save our relationship.. We have been through so much together with our babies and DSS too, since I have been around since he was 1. I guess this is one last shot.. I don't know if I am playing the blame game here but I do feel that he is the one that needs to make some changes. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I open up where as he shuts off and lets things build up.. It's like he lives in a state of denial sometimes as opposed to dealing with the problem..Anyway, thanks so much for your support ladies.. Wish us luck with our counselling..

so glad to hear things are a bit better, and its great u guys are trying to sort things out!

Hello ladies,

My pussy cat went to heaven on Tuesday, she died in my arms. I cried like a baby and still can't belive she's gone. I expect to see her any minute coming in to ask for food (her favourite) or to see her basking in the sunshine (second favourite). I'm going in to hossy next week on Tuesday, but it's been so hard getting excited. Don't think badly of me girls, I will be excited, and I know deep down I am, but I'm so heart broken ATM as I miss my furbaby sooooo much. Thanks girls for your lovely words

CharlieB and crumpet, I'm so sorry for your losses girls . I've lost my precious angel boy Joshua at 21 weeks in October 2008, the road to recovery was tough but you get there in the end. I'm now expecting my second baby soon and wanted to let you know life does go on, but please work on your grief as it's so important for this to be resolved before you move on.

im so sorry to hear about ur cat......

and thanks for ur thoughts...... its definatly a long road but im feeling good, things are a lot better now than even a week ago!

well BFN for me. So just waiting for AF to arrive, I think this has made us more determined to try again, being so close but so far away. so full steam ahead from now on!

sorry it wasnt the result u were after hun!!1

ho to everyone else!!!

AFM: not much going on here really, just wating to O which will be sometime this week, proably after wednesday id say......

[Gigi1]

Crumpet, good luck with the action this week hun. Hope it all goes well and you have a BFP waiting for you at the end. xx

[dory]

Beata - oh my darling. I will light a candle for your furbaby and for your aching heart. I know what its like to have someone you love so completely die in your arms. You gave your beautiful furbaby the most wonderful gift of being loved so completely when she needed it the most. Well done, that is an amazing gift, and don't underestimate it. Her angel will never be far away, ad she will protect and guide you. I don't think badly of you! OMG though, I am so amazed and proud of you that your hossy date is here. On my friend, I am crying for you, both tears of sadness and happiness.

Gigi1 - I am so proud of you, both for just being a star at the shower and also for behaving in a way that you're not so proud of. I am proud of you that you let loose and also that you're thinking about it now. Why should we who have suffered so much, always be polite and not vent if we need to? Sad thing is, the message was missed on your bro. But I still say good for you. I am hoping one day I will be able to do that. Weird, I know to aspire to something like that, but I just think there's something in that. Good luck with the appointment. I can live in suspense. It will do me some good to learn some patience.

Crumpet - thankyou. One of the "schools" is the ob who has been with me the whole way through my journey of losses and whose opinion I respect, and the other "school" is a second opinion I sought from an obstetrician who specialises in high risk pgs. I have also in my journey seen some other obs who have also offered their opinions, some of whom I respect, the majority of which seem to be "to stitch". At first I was inclined to just get a stitch because it was something I hadn't tried. But now, I am not so sure. My ob says he has patients who have had stitches and had successful pgs. I think I am just a conundrum.

Blessed - never underestimate what you and DP have been through. It's hard, and sometimes I think we all forget the hidden effects of bereavement. You are both strong and you will both work on this in your own ways. Glad you didn't move out. The best place to work on your rel, is when you are together. I think well done to your DP for at least agreeing he'd try counselling. That is pretty big. I hope with the help of someone else, you can mend those communication bridges. My BB sister comradre side says I want to agree with you and say DP has to change, but the other part of me, says relationships are complex and it takes two, and maybe you both need to think about things differently in order to bloom again. I learnt that from my own experiences. I used to think DH needed to be the one that changed, he was the one who wronged me etc, and then I realised, I had so little control over that, but what I did have control over was me. I went through the things I thought he needed to change and really assessed what was important to me, and whether I could change the way I thought or felt about them or reacted to them. Still a work in progress, but I am much happier. DH seemed to respond to me better and was more willing to think about change. I love my DH,and he has been my rock, but when it comes to his feelings and thoughts, they are not really something he thinks about or if he does, he can't answer questions about them. I asked him yesterday if he thought about our babies. It wasn't an argument or anything, and he said yes. When I asked in what ways, he couldn't answer. Even when I prompted him, about when they were growing or born or died or what might have been? Other days when I ask a question he can give a fuller response. If I let it, it would upset me, but I have to realise that's just him. His talents lay in other areas. I just realised, I truly adore that man.

I suppose what I am trying to say, is please don't go into counseling thinking it's DP that has to change, because unless your counselor is good, that's a very steep road to climb to recovery. If you can, try and have an open mind.

I guess you're hurting and I am not saying in any way your pain should be minimised or isn't valid.

Really, all these words I am typing? I am trying to tell you that I want the best for you and DP, and I really hope it works out.... I just can't help trying to give advice

Oh I found or maybe even rediscovered your blog, so I have book marked it and hopefully I can still keep up with you via your blog. Take care my friend.

Samcougar - sorry, but I LOVE your can do attitude. Go get them girl.

AFM - worried I might be coming down with gastro. Seem to have the squirts, and felt a little sick last night. But I can't stop it, only can take care of myself. I am just hoping its my IBS playing up, which I actually suspect it is. Time will tell.

[CharlieB]

Hi everyone

Hope you are enjoying your day today

Thanks to everyone who has welcomed me into the forum, shared stories and given advice. I have been reading but finding a bit hard to get on and post.

Gigi - glad you made it through the shower, sounds like you handled it beautifully.

SamCougar - sorry about the BFN, for next cycle

beata - I'm so sorry about your cat, I have 2 gorgeous fur babies so i can understand how you feel. They are such a help in the hard times.

blessedatlast - I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time, I really hope things turn around for you and your DP

Hi crumpet, hope you O soon and you can get down to business!

Sorry to everyone I missed, I will get better at this!!

AFM - I am finding this a bit overwhelming, and it's not even been 3 weeks. To go about home and work life when everything feels so bleak is tiring, EVERYTHING seems to remind me of our little boy and I still can't believe I'm not pregnant anymore. I just want to jump ahead 3 months and hope life feels better there, IYKWIM?
Anyway enough of the depressing rant from me!! Tomorrow will be a better day

[Gigi1]

Charlie B, Hun you will always be reminded but those reminders will sometimes make you smile again. I know for me there a lots...brushing my teeth used to make me gag when i was pg with DD. Now every time i brush my teeth i think of her...let alone all the obvious things. It makes me smile some days. It is still so raw hunny, go easily and gently. I am so sorry you are hurting. My DD died at 23.3 wks and was born 28.5 wks. Even having time to spend with her still inside me, to come to terms, to understand for nearly 6 weeks that she was gone. It was still huge shock so I can only imagine when it happens much faster. All i can say, the pain doesn't get less but you start to manage it better. Some days i still have no idea what i am talking about....it is a confusing and redefining time in your life.
Love and wishes
HM xox

[cmeglles]

Wow! This forum got a lot more active. I am thrilled. i will have to check it more often (forawhile I was checking to all the time, but nothing was happening, so I stopped checking so frequently).

Gigi1- sorry you are having a hard time with family. So difficult. But I am really glad that the shower went well. You are so strong. I am still trying to work out how to deal with those around me who are pregnant--I think you have it worked out so well. What a bummer about having to take off 2 cycles for TTC because this virus UGH! Are you feeling better though?

Dory- Please keep me updated on whether or not you get the stitch. I am in a similar boat as you. They don't know exactly what happened--could be cervical incompetence and I got an infection or infection which led to preterm labor. So the stitch is up to me for the next pg. Hope you aren't sick, although IBS acting up is no fun either! On the bright side at least you aren't constipated (was terrible for me)!

Blessedatlast- OH my heart just goes out to you. When I read your first post I wanted to cry. You and DP have been through so much! Please keep me updated on how the counseling is going for you guys. I really want it to work for you. What is your blog URL?

Crumpet- Best of luck to you this cycle. Are you doing anything to monitor O?Best of luck in the 2ww. I think cervical incompetence is really common and basically almost curable. I found this doctor's website helpful for information regarding it. He has lots of information and pages about it in an easy to understand format. Keep us updated!Cervical Incompetence and Cerclage - 5 - Cervical Assessment

Samcougar- Oh boo BFN. I really thought it was going to be the month for you! Has AF arrived yet?

Charlie- How are you doing hun? You sound so strong. This time is SO hard, just SO hard. It really helped me to join this group and know I was not alone. and you are not!

Chez- sounds like you need a vacation! We just booked one because I do the same thing....work way tooo hard and then it wipes me out. Sounds like leaving early is a good strategy. Any symptoms yet? I also LOVE jigsaw puzzles, I can get totally obsessed by some of the hard ones...and think about puzzle pieces all day! How is it coming along?

Beata- excited for your trip yet? So sorry about your kitty. How are you doing?


AFM- well AF arrived...early. booo. Came on full force yest with horrible cramps (not uncommon on CD1 for me). Weird thing is my temp is still elevated (I vary about a degree in my cycle). I was expecting AF tomorrow. Has this happened to anyone? Any idea when should I start counting? I actually am finding I don't mind getting AF. It is the days before that seem agonizing, but with the arrival of AF I feel like my slate is wiped clean and I get a fresh start. For some reason I don't feel overly positive about this next cycle, but we just booked a vacation to Bermuda (so excited never been there!) for super cheap during O in April (maybe). I am SO happy to have something fun to look forward to.

Hope everyone is well and sending you lots of babydust

[Gigi1]

Oh Cmegles, that sounds like a fun getaway. What a lovely story to tell you little one...you were made in Bermuda! How exotic. Sorry Af arrive hun.
Yep i am feeling quite good. I am CD3 now...CD2 is usually when i get kick in the butt. So yesterday was sitting and watching all the shows i have taped...lazy lazy...and a couple of loads of washing. xoxo

[crumpet]

Crumpet - thankyou. One of the "schools" is the ob who has been with me the whole way through my journey of losses and whose opinion I respect, and the other "school" is a second opinion I sought from an obstetrician who specialises in high risk pgs. I have also in my journey seen some other obs who have also offered their opinions, some of whom I respect, the majority of which seem to be "to stitch". At first I was inclined to just get a stitch because it was something I hadn't tried. But now, I am not so sure. My ob says he has patients who have had stitches and had successful pgs. I think I am just a conundrum.

AFM - worried I might be coming down with gastro. Seem to have the squirts, and felt a little sick last night. But I can't stop it, only can take care of myself. I am just hoping its my IBS playing up, which I actually suspect it is. Time will tell.

o wow its one big jmuble for you hey.......

i think if i was u, and this based whole heartedly on my experience and is my perspecitive, i would get the stitich....
yeah there is a slight chance of infection, but id rather battle the small odds of that than go through another pre term labour and delivery again.....
but thats just the way id look at things......

Hi crumpet, hope you O soon and you can get down to business!



AFM - I am finding this a bit overwhelming, and it's not even been 3 weeks. To go about home and work life when everything feels so bleak is tiring, EVERYTHING seems to remind me of our little boy and I still can't believe I'm not pregnant anymore. I just want to jump ahead 3 months and hope life feels better there, IYKWIM?
Anyway enough of the depressing rant from me!! Tomorrow will be a better day

thanks hun!!!!

hun just do things as u feel ready and comfortable, do not rush things.....
that was the bst piece of advice i was given, and u know its true......
i was trying to rush feeling better again and it was making me worse, once i calmed down and just did things as i felt ready and comfortable to do them i actually felt better....

big hugs for u .....

Dory- Please keep me updated on whether or not you get the stitch. I am in a similar boat as you. They don't know exactly what happened--could be cervical incompetence and I got an infection or infection which led to preterm labor. So the stitch is up to me for the next pg. Hope you aren't sick, although IBS acting up is no fun either! On the bright side at least you aren't constipated (was terrible for me)!



Crumpet- Best of luck to you this cycle. Are you doing anything to monitor O?Best of luck in the 2ww. I think cervical incompetence is really common and basically almost curable. I found this doctor's website helpful for information regarding it. He has lots of information and pages about it in an easy to understand format. Keep us updated!Cervical Incompetence and Cerclage - 5 - Cervical Assessment


AFM- well AF arrived...early. booo.

wow hun..... i had an infection as well...... once my cervical incompetanct kicked in and i started dialiting the infection bought on labour, my OB said that if i hadnt got the infection i might have been able to hold on longer with eleveated bed rest.....

wow thansk for the link ill have a look at it now!!

spew about AF coming early!!!!

AFM: well i decided to pull out some OPK's i had in the cupboard coz on friday i had some brown tinged cm, then sunday i was a bit achy then yesterday i had some really fine streaks of blood in ny cm and today ive had some spotting, so i thought id see whats going on.....

problem being ive lost the instructions!!!!

so instead of pee-ing in a cup first i just pee-ed on the dip stick thing!!! anyway a faint line came up so i dont think im o-ing but im going to do it again later and dip it proerly but im not sure how long to dip for and then hoe long to watch for the results!!! ooopps!

[dory]

CharliB - I do know what you mean. Be gentle on yourself, grief is such a demanding journey. And seriously 3 weeks is still so new into your journey. Just take each moment, or hour or day as it comes. Give your furbabies lots of cuddles and one day most unexpectedly you might find yourself smiling or even laughing at their antics. if that happens - dont feel guilty, enjoy it, you deserve to feel lighter even if only for a moment. In time, those little reminders will hurt less. But they are everywhere. I know you've posted again since writing this, but I just wanted to give you my belated support.

[Miss.B]

Hi ladies,

Thanks so much for all your lovely words of support, you are such a beautiful bunch of ladies in here Still finding it hard to live without my puss, I need her so much now that I'm about to go to hossy to have my bub! Wish she was here to meet him on the outside..

Cheryl, I'm booked in on tuesday at 8.30 am. Pretty scared about the c/s but hey, I just have to be brave, and I want him out safe and sound! How is that jigsaw going?

Crumpet, reading a bit more about your loss just breaks my heart, hugs hun. I know of a couple of girls who have had the stitch put in (even though their OBs said it was more for a piece of mind rather than a medical reason) and they've had healthy pg & babies.

Cmeglles, sorry to hear you're not feeling well hun. Snuggle up to your furbabies, best medicine in the world!

CharlieB, hope your bleeding stops soon hun, but your body's gotta do what it's gotta do, all part of the process I guess. Big hugs hun.

Gigi, I'm keeping everything crossed for you in this cycle. Bring on the BFP!!!

Samcougar, I'm sorry hunni. Hope the next cycle brings you the news you want

I'm sorry if I missed anyone, sending you all lots of baby dust and sticky vibes!!

B xxx

[crumpet]

Crumpet, reading a bit more about your loss just breaks my heart, hugs hun. I know of a couple of girls who have had the stitch put in (even though their OBs said it was more for a piece of mind rather than a medical reason) and they've had healthy pg & babies.

thanks for the hugs hun, needed them today Dh and i had a arguement about him going away for the weekend and i dont want him to go coz im not ready for him to be away all night yet, and yeah.......

its so comforting to hear of people who had had sucessful pregnancies after having a stitch done

[Miss.B]

Crumpet, if I could reach across the screen I'd give you a big hug. I know the days/weeks after a loss are the hardest, you feel so fragile and needy, well I did anyway. Anytime DF popped out anywhere even for a couple of hours I'd get upset. I felt so needy and so alone when I was on my own. So I'm not surprised at you for being upset with your DH. Is there a GF that can come over to stay with you or can you stay with your parents, or a sibling? Company is very important ATM for you, you don't want to feel alone hun. Just remember, anytime you need a hug ask for one and I'll send you a hundred!!

[CharlieB]

Dh and i had a arguement about him going away for the weekend and i dont want him to go coz im not ready for him to be away all night yet, and yeah.......

I'm sorry to hear this crumpet, I completely understand you being upset, I'm sure its completely normal to want to have your DH close to you ATM

I agree 100% with beata70 - if you looked up needy in the dictionary - there I would be, waving at you!
I miss my DH like crazy even when he goes to work! I have a girlfriend who keeps asking me to go and stay with her for a few days, she is a plane flight away. But I keep refusing cause I can't bear the idea of being away from my DH at the moment.
Good advice from beata, hope you can organise friend/family to be with you if DH does end up going away.

Huge to you crumpet