Merry Christmas one and all. I hope you all had a nice time with your family and friends. Our angel babies would have been proud of how well we are all coping through this hard time. I was thinking the other day, I know my boy would have wanted me to be happy, so instead of letting myself get too sad, I try to enjoy the day in honour of him. In saying that, it's been almost 4 years since we lost him and the first Christmas was dreadful.
Wishing you all the best sticky vibes for 2011. May the BFP's be plentiful. I had a dating scan the week of Christmas and after a brief freak out (couldn't find a HB with the abdominal scan) they did a transvaginal and there it was. Tiny and beating. It feels real now and I'm cautiously letting myself get a tiny bit happy/excited about it.
Gigi - I know you're taking a break now ... but I found a great little wed site and wanted to share with you.... I have lit a candle... for you and your DD for the new year. Love is eternal my friend..... I hope you find the candle I lit for you.
Chez- you are right hun...won't ever be the same. Every happy moment comes with a piece of pain...which we are all willing mothers to carry that but it is there nonetheless. I can find happiness in moments but wish DD was here ..feet on the ground sharing it. She was be walking....running!
Tash- I loved your dream, what a wonderful start to the year.
Lollylegs- hope the move goes well hun.
AFM- Well i have been a bit incommunicado for the week. I did a four day silent meditation which was welcomed but very difficult at times. I am just proud to have completed it. No talking, tv, music, computer, phone, driving for fours days...very simple diet, no sugar, stimulants, wheat, etc. It was not disimilar of things ih ave done in the past but all at once. My blessed husband was very understanding...incredible and supportive. I am a lucky woman. I read, meditated, exercised and did what i could to get through. Lots of water!!!
It felt like the right time for that sort of thing...the moon was waning- my period had arrived...it was before the new year and everyone was busy away...less chance of being interrupted. So i feel pretty good. Lost no weight...my god after being pregnant you have to work harder at it. I have walked 5km each day for the last 5 days and ate very well....hmmmmi am looking at the scales and 'wieghting'!! Very frustrating but to be completely honest it is not why i did this so that is perfectly acceptable. I am trying to find me again...somewhere in there. Trying to find a small piece of me that can keep this going for a little bit longer. I tried to meditate a lot about being pg and i think there is still a possibility there. I think. xoxo
One thing that happened though....got my mojo back! Watch out DH.
Love and Happy New Years to you all. My biggest sadness for this new day is that I can no longer say my daughter was born 'last' year..it will be the year before last for now until we reach April and it will be 2 years. Silly but that really cut us both when midnight fell last night.
Gi - know what you mean..... every new year since 09 I am not ready to begin a new one without my babies.... and now with Hannah here sometimes I feel guilty for feeling that way. But like you said, now every moment of happiness comes with its own pain. That is our lifelong journey now. I read somewhere that life is a journey of self discovery, how true that is when you're bereaved. Finding a new way in the world every moment... all those moments that used to be so easy that I know I took for granted and so sure o myself. Not so much anymore.
I forgot to note down what page your DD candle was on.... I realised later there are about 500 pages.... I hope you didn't look through them all....
Glad you got through your meditation. I am so proud. i can talk under wet cement but would love to give a 2 day silent mediation a try. You have inspired me, as always.
I also wanted to say to your DH that I am proud of him for what he said to your fam. It took a lot of inner strength... and it's such a simple but effective way of telling people what it's like.
We did have a nice christmas, such a contrast to last year ( not the nice part, as we had a nice quiet christmas last year) It was frenetic and lots of family around. I have an aunt who's 62 who has downs syndrome so every special occasssion my aunt is the centre of attention, she just revels in it. So cute. I have a brother who has a acquired brain injury after a traffic accident, who is the best he's been since the accident. So it was just nice for our family to have our fun back. My family NEVER mentions our babies. Sometimes that makes me so sad, but then maybe I don't do enough to let them know it's ok to mention them? Nah, it's just how they think. Not sure if I have the energy to try and change them. I mention our babies a lot and I think it falls on deaf ears. I wonder if they think.... "oh here she goes again, will she shut up about that already?". Although I hear my mum say to others that she thinks I am brave and much stronger than she could ever be. Maybe one day I'll ask why they never mention them?
Oh, and woot woot, watch out DH a Gi with her mojo back. Grrrrrrr foxy lady.
Hiya Chez, Suzie, Powelly, Lollylegs ...and anyone else - hoping the new year brings you your much anticipated dream.
I hear you hun. I am very sure our family (from knowing their beliefs) think we are 'holding on' to this tragic event in our lives for what we can get from it...dwell, attention, drama, pity, and the rest. If only they knew it is really just a part of us. To deny it would damage/hurt us more. It is hard to explain that the joy is present in our life but it also comes with a shadow. Both can be present and you can still find happiness.
I read that book- Buddhism for Mothers, through the meditation. It was a perfect read for such a venture. Accepting 'suffering' in our life is part of it. Learning from it...The Self Discovery- you mentioned, is all part of it. I have learned so much from what we have been through. I certainly have my dark days but we are also happy.
Oh it can be confusing can't it.
You and me both....under wet cement. There were moments i felt like i was going to explode followed by pure peace. I learnt that i don't have to commentate everything- although i often still try. My listening has improved as has my mindfulness of any given moment. It was also really cool to watch life flow....moment by moment that no moment stays, everything has an end. Impermanance! I was able to watch my frustration raise and then fade away. So so cool!
I am glad you had a nice Xmas hun. I am sorry your fam don't mention your bubs. That makes me sad. Our family are getting better at it but i also respect they have their own way of remembering. I still have a massive fear that they are all waiting for us to fall pregnant so we are 'fixed' and happy again. Oh how little people understand.
Happy New Year gorgeous. I am sure it will be filled with the bitter/sweet moments of motherhood in the truest sense of the word!
I absolutely love your honesty.
Love and Happiness to you all.
I will leave you with a quote from the book i was reading that i think i might put my wall in some sort of arty farty way...i love it.
Life is mostly froth and bubble Two things stand like stone Kindness in another's trouble Courage in your own.
--- Adam Lindsay Gordon
Oh my so so true!! We can count on each other but most of all ourselves...our inner strength is just mind blowing.
xoxoxoxoxox
I hope you're all well. It's quiet around here. I hope any QLDers are safe and dry.
lollylegs - I hope the moving went OK and you weren't stuck anywhere flooded.
chez and powelly - hoping you and bubs are well
Gig1 - your meditation sounds amazing. I hope it helped. I imagine it's very grounding. I could do with some grounding, I just usually run around in a tizz until I exhaust myself then collapse. That's not a positive way to settle. I had to laugh at your need to normally commentate everything. So do I - I even annoy myself sometimes. I think I'm becoming more used to silence though. DH worries if I'm not chatty - sometimes I just want to be still. The new year was hard. I'm not saying we lost Leo last year. I'm saying it was nearly 6 months ago (not that anyone asks, just to myself). I love that verse - I read it on a gravestone once and it stuck with me.
dory - I'm so pleased you had a lovely Christmas with Hannah Bear. It's sad your family don't mention your other babies though. Do they know how much it hurts to not mention them?
I hope everyone else is OK
AFM - a few ups and downs. We got through NYE quietly. Just went to a movie. On the way home we rescued a frightened dog who'd chewed through her rope, jumped the fence and ran away. She was running towards down a main road late at night when we pulled up. I was so scared she'd be run over. I whistled her and took her off the road. We called the number on her tag. Her owner was at a party, but said he'd grab the next cab and come and get her. She was too scared to get in the car, so I drove home and DH walked her. Then she hung out with us getting lots of cuddles until her daddy came and got her. Apparently she jumped a 14ft fence! Anyway, we were sorry to see her go. At least he cared about her but it did upset me she was on her own while the fireworks was going on (including illegal fworks). Dogs don't understand and need to be reassured.
Then had a bit of a back and forth thing with my Dad over him organising a BBQ with us and my step-mum's kids. I said we just couldn't go. I didn't want to be a pain, but there's a limit to what we can deal with. He can invite whomever he like to his house but I can't go places I don't feel comfortable. It's really strange. I used to be able to just suck it up. Now I feel like an exhibit in the zoo - oh, they're the dead baby people. Let's poke them and see if they cry..... I realise I'm probably just hyper sensitive, but that's just how it is atm
We're still waiting for genetic testing results. It's getting really old. I just want to know what I'm dealing with so we have a plan to follow.
I also think my cycle is a bit screwy. The last 2 cycles I've had a LP of 9 and 10 days. So that worries me. I've mentioned to DH that I might just go on progesterone when we conceive again. The last 2 pregnancies I had spotting at 5-6 weeks. The first one ended in mc with bub dying at 8 weeks. The 2nd one I had really low progesterone and started pessaries at 6 weeks. I know in theory low progesterone means earlier losses but if it helps my peace of mind then it can't hurt, can it? I'll talk to my GP about it but think it's the best thing. I don't know if there's any point with blood tests for HCG levels. I just think that first 12 or so weeks will be difficult anyway (though let's face it, there's no 'safe' milestone anymore). I just don't want to be stressed. Is that even possible?
Powelly, that is great news about your dating scan. Finding that heartbeat is such a relief isn't it? I wish you a H&H pg!
Lollylegs - hope you're doing ok and the move wasn't too stressful for you hun. New beginnings with a new year, it can only mean good things - FX for you.
Gigi - wow you have had such an interesting end to 2010. I am not sure I would have the strength for a silent meditation for 4 days. I can be quiet for a few hours at a time and that's about it. So glad to hear you have your mojo back, and I love that verse you quoted - it really resonated with me.
Dory - hope you had a lovely Christmas with Hannah Bear. None of our family mentions our DS either. We talk about him a bit and they participate if we raise the topic, but they don't raise it if we don't. I am not sure why either but then I don't understand a lot about humans it seems, especially the older I get.
Hi to everybody else. I hope you are all staying cool (west coast) and dry (east coast).
AFM, we had our 12 week scan this week. Bub's heartbeat is nice and strong and right on size for dates. And importantly, the risk of chromosonal problems is extremely low. I was so scared when I went in for the scan that when I first saw our bub wiggling about on the screen I broke down and started crying. Luckily we had a very understanding Dr, and the sonographer was pg herself, so they let me cry and then we got on with it. I knew I was worried, but I didn't expect the emotion to hit me as hard as it did. Of course, DH was right beside me, holding my hand, passing me tissues and explaining to the Dr why I was crying. He is the most fanatastic DH ever! Anyway, we are still on hols with family in WA and the heat has been very hard on me. Day 3 of headache today and I have sent DH out for Gatorade, my last resort, as I think I have been overheated and dehydrated with these 38 deg days we have been getting. So just taking things easy today. We head home at the end of the week.
Chez - oh, sweetie, I am so so very pleased for you! - about your scan ( not your headache). It is just the best! When is your next scan? Sorry the emotion snuck up on you but good ole DH! I have not told my family that their silence in relation to Amelia, Nicholas and Sophie hurts me... I suppose I will one day. I suppose if I don't tell them then I don't give them the opportunity to change and really they can't read my mind...... Hope your headache clears....
Powelly - how are things going for you?
Tashybabe - that is such a lovely thing you did for that dog. It just shows a really kind heart. hugs sweetie.
Gi - peace to you. Hope you are ok and not too wet! All ok here.
Cheryl, that is lovely Hun. So very thrilled for you. How understanding of the scan peps. So supportive.
Tashy and Cheryl, i bet you would surprise yoruselves. My friend is away on her 10 meditation and she has no idea the floods have happened. I feel she might be shocked to see how bad it got.
Dory, have been thinking of you and offline...with no power- this is the sixth day and we have just come back on about 1/2 hour ago. Thank god for electricity hey. Hope you did ok where you were.
We were a little island but we had one way out...at the end of our streets and the surrounding streets were all completely under...2m in parts easily as you can only just see a bus stop sign.
I have been head to toe in mud the last couple of days. One of our friends lost everything...two houses. Just horrific. But hey, they have their lives. There have been may tears but also lots of laughter. It has been incredible the spirit of everyone and the bond that has brought QLDer's together.
We got home just in time.
Better go, I have a few more emails to do, washing and then i have to get back out there. Maybe a little bit selfish but i get such a kick out of the feeling you get helping these people. xoxoxo Love to all.
Gi - glad you're ok but I am so sorry about your friends..... the community spirit has been amazing. I have a couple of friends who've lost everything too, and they are really touched by the generosity of strangers but also of the broader circle of acquaintances. I feel like such a heel for not getting out into the mud, but there is no way I am going to risk getting a germ when I need to be there for Hannah and I don't want her getting anything. I keep telling myself there will be opportunities in time to come - people will need painting and other types of things done.
God yes hun...Dory you must stay put for now. There will be months of all sorts of work to help with. No need to worry there.
Hun, if your friends need a further hand, let me know. I am on the scout for more in need. Off to Westend now to check up on a friends.
xoxoxo
Hmmm, not much luck today. DH and I drove around for the last four hours, asking people if they need help...a bit frustrating to be turned away everytime. Tried so many areas from West End to Goodna...hmm.
I think i might just go and clean my nephew's favourite park tomorrow. It looks like the terminator has pooped on it.
My spirits are a little dampened...pick myself up tmorrow. A lot of houses are as good as they can be for now...until they are assessed to be rebuilt or pulled down.
Might edit some more photos for FB....
Hope you are all doing well.
Antoher friend on here has just fallen pg with her 3rd ofter so much struggle to get there. So so cool. xoxoxo
Just popping in to say yeepee for a great scan Cheryl!!!! What absolutely super news. Grow nice and big little bubba!!! So happy for you hun and I loooooooooove your avvy, very nice!
Gigi, you are just a saint. Seriously, you are. You're such a wonderful person to want to help these poor people. The world needs such beautiful people like yourself. Big hugs honey.
Hi Tash, Powelly, Dory, Kate, hope you're all doing well.
Not much to report here, waiting anxiously for DF to return from China. We are so lonely without him here, and the nights are the worst. Sometimes I think I should be there with him, but not in -3 degrees!! lol.
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