Gi - know what you mean..... every new year since 09 I am not ready to begin a new one without my babies.... and now with Hannah here sometimes I feel guilty for feeling that way. But like you said, now every moment of happiness comes with its own pain. That is our lifelong journey now. I read somewhere that life is a journey of self discovery, how true that is when you're bereaved. Finding a new way in the world every moment... all those moments that used to be so easy that I know I took for granted and so sure o myself. Not so much anymore.

I forgot to note down what page your DD candle was on.... I realised later there are about 500 pages.... I hope you didn't look through them all....

Glad you got through your meditation. I am so proud. i can talk under wet cement but would love to give a 2 day silent mediation a try. You have inspired me, as always.

I also wanted to say to your DH that I am proud of him for what he said to your fam. It took a lot of inner strength... and it's such a simple but effective way of telling people what it's like.

We did have a nice christmas, such a contrast to last year ( not the nice part, as we had a nice quiet christmas last year) It was frenetic and lots of family around. I have an aunt who's 62 who has downs syndrome so every special occasssion my aunt is the centre of attention, she just revels in it. So cute. I have a brother who has a acquired brain injury after a traffic accident, who is the best he's been since the accident. So it was just nice for our family to have our fun back. My family NEVER mentions our babies. Sometimes that makes me so sad, but then maybe I don't do enough to let them know it's ok to mention them? Nah, it's just how they think. Not sure if I have the energy to try and change them. I mention our babies a lot and I think it falls on deaf ears. I wonder if they think.... "oh here she goes again, will she shut up about that already?". Although I hear my mum say to others that she thinks I am brave and much stronger than she could ever be. Maybe one day I'll ask why they never mention them?

Oh, and woot woot, watch out DH a Gi with her mojo back. Grrrrrrr foxy lady.


Hiya Chez, Suzie, Powelly, Lollylegs ...and anyone else - hoping the new year brings you your much anticipated dream.