Gigi, Dory and Powelly, thanks for thinking of me on Ryan's birthday. I had thought I was doing well leading up to the day as I was very distracted both at work and at home. My DH had an accident on his bike and has fractured his wrist almost 2 weeks ago. The poor thing is still in a cast and has to have another xray next week to see how things are going. That means I am looking after all of his needs and I am pushing mine to the background. The 17th just snuck up on me and it wasn't until I was driving to work that I realised the day and all of the grief came back to me along with the tears. Coincidentally we had our follow up appointment with the ob after the morphology scan. Even though I already had the results that everything was normal I still had this sense of worry and fear in the back of my mind while waiting for the appointment. But all is well with splodge and we are lucky enough that he/she is doing well and right on track with size for EDD.
Reading all of your birth stories has brought back the memories of Ryan's birth, and like Dory I haven't posted it in the Birth Stories forum, as I would like a fraud if I did. I didn't get the right result and therefore don't deserve to be there. It also reminded me that we have spent so much time looking forward as a result of this pg that it is hard to look back and reflect on what has lead us to where we are. It's not that we are denying it, or don't wish with every fibre of our being that it could have been different, it is like we have resolved ourselves to the fact that we can't change the past no matter how much it hurts or how much we would want to. It is what it is and now we have to focus on the future we will have with this baby. I'm not sure if I am making any sense but that is how I am able to cope at the moment.
Anyway, I must go. Take care all and I will pop back in when I can.
oxo
Chez, good to hear from you hun and glad to know you are doing ok. Sounds like a few things crept up on you hun. Please pass on my thoughts for your DH...it must e frustrating for him too not to be able to do his own things atm.
It sounds like you are doing what is needed hun and there is no shame in that at all. You are growing a life and i think your mothering instinct has kicked in to give this new baby everything he/she deserves and that is, it's own journey. I never posted in birth stories either...one day i might just do that...but one thing i want to say- i think your story does not make you a fraud hun it is just as special and your initiation to motherhood brutal, but special all the same. You just have to do what is right for you. Glad this baby is growing well and all is fine. Happy for you hun xoxo Take care.
Gi - thankyou for being so gentle with me. LOL re the black nail and your worry it might be a mid life crisis. Hardly... but nice try
Melzi - thankyou for your support. How are you doing today?
And lastly - BLESSED, welcome back my friend! I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooo excited. Yay. Can't wait to hear how your first cycle of C goes. Can you keep us updated on how you're feeling and exactly what it is you have to do? I am curious.
Chez - thanks for popping on and letting us know how you're going. Maybe now is the time to focus on what you need to do to get through this preg. Belly rubs my dear, you are a great mummy.
AFM - wow, I am soooo excited seeing Blessed in here again. Made my day as well as having such nice friends in here. Bring it on.
Off for a biopsy this morning ... Very scary stuff.. Went to the doctors yesterday and the lumps seemed to be of concern...
And to top it off I think my SIL is pregnant and that really S**** me off! She has just signed up for a 630k mortgage and has no one to rent out her second house. She's too busy to even see us so how is she going to be able to have a baby! She's self employed and her hubby works away and they haven't even been trying.... At all. fml!!!
I hope to god that this is my month I'm really starting to get sour with this whole ttc thing... I didn't ever want to be like this.... ever!
Melzi - GL with your biopsy... it is scary stuff I agree. Hugs to keep you strong. Worry about your SIL another day, today focus on you. But I know how much it can hurt, cause it seems so unfair, and honestly, it is unfair. Vent away...
Hi Dory!!...hope Af turns up quick smart for you hun. LOL re temping- it takes some time to get back into it hey...So funny. xoxoThinking of you sweet.
Melzi hun...go right ahead and vent. Just plain unfair. Good luck with the biopsy...my SIL had one yesterday on a breast lump and she said it felt like a blood test in a way. The results will be with her today so that is pretty quick. It is terrifying hun and i hope it is over quickly...and just a fibroid. I have plenty of 'em. I hope all goes well for you hun. Thinking of you hun, I can only imagine what you are feeling right now.xoxoxo
Good luck Melzi! hope it all goes well, will be stalking u for news, and like dory said, worry about SIL another day.
Dory, we had a funeral for Jack about a week after he was born, it was lovely (as lovely as these things can be) and having the girls i think makes it easier, i have to deal with my grief because i need to be here for the girls, i can just put it in a box and deal with it when im ready to because i'd never get to it ITMS? we also have to support our oldest daughter through her grief. DD2 is ok, she's too young to understand or even remember, all i knnow is that she's enjoy being able to cuddle into me without a big belly in the way!
DD1 is amazing though, she always talks about her little brother. but she often gets confused and asks if Jack is still at the hospital, and we need to re explain that no he's in heaven now because he died. the she always says she wishes he could come home. breaks my heart
Skybie - It's so hard isn't it as they just don't understand the finality of it all... in time she will, but those hard questions will come for a while yet. I just looked at your avy and love Jack's monkey angel. Too cute by far.
Gi - thanks, I should stop getting all excited and anxious and just get some zen about it... what will be will be, and I might as well and try and enjoy the ride. I am going to enlarge a photo... one of some balloons I think, then get it framed.
Anyway, I told myself I wouldn't be on here as much .... but what else is there to do in this heat but take it easy?
Melzi, i be tit hurt hun...I hope the results come quickly and all is clear. Oh hun...you just don't need this right now. My fingers are crossed for you that all is going to be ok. You have youth on your side not that it helps the anxiety. My first lump was at 18. I had becomed a little immuned to it now but i start to worry a whole lot more with age. And i think we lose a lot of faith in our body and innocence going through losing a child/ a huge life event. Pregnancy failed for us in a big way. Life was not what we planned it to be. It can make us feel like so much is possible.
I will reiterate...youth is on your side and i hope all will be fine. Thinking of you hun. xoxo
Dory, i love Skybie's monkey angel too...so gorgeous and original.
xoxo
I'm sorry it hurt so much Melzi. I'm also sorry you're now in limbo land with TTC. hopefully your results come quickly and u can move forward, whichever way that needs to be xxx
i used to call Jack my monkey man because he was as crazy as a coconut in my belly, always moving! so different to the girls. Charlotte's been Moo girl since she was born because she loved her milk so much and Isabelle's squid because she used to wriggle like a fish when she was in the bath
I don't think I have O'd this month, I was hoping I would, but oh well.. Even if I did I am not pg.. My temps are up and down! I'm on CD 23.. Thought I may have O'd CD16, but doesn't look like it now!
Off to see OB/GYN on Tuesday morning. I'll get the results of my day 21 bloods and DP's Semen analysis!! Yes Miracles do happen he finally got one!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol, It was sooo hard to get him to do one! Anyway, If I haven't O'd I am hoping she will increase my clomid dose, although I am terrified of falling with multiples.. I will be honest, I would adore to have twins.. I would want twins again, but they are just too high risk, and I would be happy with 1 at a time!
As for my exams, YES they arer over.. Still a couple of assessments to go though, but lordy, I can't wait til it's OVER!!! Also please accept my apology if I repeat myself, I am in the clomid thread too, so can't remember half the time what I have posted where lol, I'll most likely be pretty slack on persies, but I'll try
Hi all. This is another novel from me as I've been reading but not posting. I haven't updated my blog in ages either.
I've read your birth stories. They are beautiful and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing. Mine is in the angel in my signature.
Gigi1 - don't worry about how long your story is or that people would think you post for sympathy. Mine was a novel, but I didn't want to leave things out. I was so proud of our birth and so proud our little boy. For me, telling his story was one of the few ways I could show off our little man. It wasn't about pity - it was about love and pride as a mummy.
I'm thinking of you. It must have been so hard carrying your little girl knowing she was gone. You must be reliving it now. I hope you have peace. Good luck with the guide dog puppy. I'd love to do that, but don't think I could hand them back.
Kateo - that letter you wrote to other mothers was just wonderful. Sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I think it's wonderful you've helped someone else going through a loss when they're in shock and dont know what to do.
skybie - I think of you often. I don't know how you must be feeling about the doctors/hospital knowing what you do. Do you think you'll follow it up or is it too soon? The first few weeks I struggled to be able to handle the big stuff (we had genetic testing etc)
I think one of the horrors that people dont think of is not only have our babies died, but we're then faced with things that add to the shock. The first time I wrote I was Leo's mother was on the permission slip for his post mortem. Whilst I was still on the delivery bed. Then there's funeral planning, initial autopsy results, going back 6 weeks later for the autopsy report, genetic counselling and testing. All these 'technical' type things that get in the way of just being and grieving that our little boy died. And recovering from birth. And dealing with grieving family and questions about why? It's hard.
Melzi - I'm so sorry you dont have the support you need to allow you to grieve for Zach. I never understand why people think one child could possibly replace another. I sometimes wonder - if they had more than one child, would one dying not matter because they have another? Do they even think? We don't want a child to replace the one we lost. We want a child to love and care for who lives, that we can raise and cherish.
I've got my fingers crossed that all is well with your biopsy results
Freya - I'm glad you've got some answers. I hop it now makes all the difference in carrying another bub to term. TTC again is scary. Go gently.
dory - I'm glad you're TTc again. Please try and let the guilt go. It's just the "monkey mind" we all have trying to stop us, telling us we shouldnt, couldnt, wouldnt. Of course it will be scary, but you deserve another baby to hold and love. We all do. Just because you have Hannah, that doesn't make you unworthy or anything. TBH, given what you've already gone through, I feel as though you've earned all the goodwill the universe can send you (sorry if that comes out wrong). It's funny, I don't like to be mean-minded, but I feel those of us who've gone through pain to get our babies almost deserve them more. I know that's not true, but I am happiest for my friends who've survived LTTC or loss, than those who haven't. Not nice of me I know. Its not like it's any one's fault or anyone is more deserving or whatever.
Blessed - so glad to see you back TTC. I hope it all goes well for you soon.
Chez, Powelly, Kateo and Sarahrach - I hope you're pregnancies are going well and you're handling the stress as best you can.
Chez - Ryan's birth story is just as important as anyone else's. I'd love to read it if you've ever up to posting it I don't know if you've ever read "the Exact Replica of a figment of my imagination" It was written by a mother about her first who was born sleeping. She wrote after her second child was born - it was better for her to do it then.
I'm sorry if I've missed anyone else - I hope you're all well
AFM - the reason I haven't been posting is I've been rather stressed and also feel a bit of a fraud as I'm pregnant again. I was hoping to wait until after the NT scan before telling people - we're still not telling people IRL or announcing on FB. We haven't had a scan yet, so until I see a HB etc I'm nervous as hell. I will be 11wks tomorrow.
I thought I'd be OK but I've discovered just telling myself or having others telling me not to worry is not enough. We were originally told we wouldn't be able to have a CVS, so we'd have to wait until 24+ weeks before being 100% sure if this bub is healthy or not. Which, TBH, has been doing my head in. We got a call earlier this week (whilst I was home in my jarmies having a meltdown, which was embarrassing) that the lab have kept testing and think they've found more information that means we may be able to have a CVS after all. We have a meeting on Monday to get more information.
What I discovered is I don't adjust to plan changes very well. The new information threw me. Something I've realised is, since Leo died, my self-confidence has eroded. I feel fragile and broken and struggle making decisions. I get frozen and keep changing my mind then breaking down because I can't handle the stress. it's humiliating feeling this childish at my age. I just don't want to have to plan another baby's funeral. We also moved house in the middle of all this.
On a positive note, I have started with a new counsellor yesterday, who combines western psych with meditation. I need specific tools to help me stop my mind going 100km/hr and freaking myself out. So I'm hoping to improve in how I'm coping.
fml!!!
I'm thinking of you. It must have been so hard carrying your little girl knowing she was gone. You must be reliving it now. I hope you have peace. Good luck with the guide dog puppy. I'd love to do that, but don't think I could hand them back.
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