TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #3 2010
If you have found yourself in this forum you no doubt have had a painful journey. TTC after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth or Late Loss takes special courage and support. The aim of this forum is to provide a place where women who have endured loss can share their stories, friendships, treatments and triumphs!
My greatest wish is that you all leave this forum with nice big fat positives in the shortest possible time!!!
I hope so much that this month is YOUR month.
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tashybabe - I am so sorry you (or anyone) finds themselves here. But I hope you can find some comfort in the hard times. I know, I dont express myself very often, but I found alot of comfort realising I am not alone, There are many different stories and none quiet feel as bad as your own, but all in all, we are all suffering the loss of our child/ren. It binds us in a way no other parent (who hasnt lost) knows. Actually, I do think it kind of binds us all in a way we cant even fathom.
Nothing will change the yearning for the void that little Leo left in your life. When Matthew passed, all I wanted was to have what other mothers were complaining about (sleepless nights, exploding nappies etc etc) I wanted my new carpets pooed and vomited on. I wanted Matthew despretly. I can certainly understand the gender side of things, we decided to TTC straight away, even though I had gone through a full term pregnancy, and it was really going to take 3 months to have my body ready. And now a few days after knowing wether this is the month.... and I have a excited / petrified feelng. Close freinds ask me if I have a preference, or if I am trying gender swaying. I too thought Matthew was a girl, and was actually a little disappointed when we found out otherwise. Now I would like nothing more in the world than a Boy... as maybe he carries matthews Spirit with him. There is a thread on here somewhere about spirit babys, it is a good way of thinking and helped me make the decision to start again. Spirit baby Please take the time to read, all I know is it helped me think this way, when I was lost in the fog.
Kateo - I am sorry your having a rough month this month, try to keep your chin up sweetie!!
Powelly - GL for Thursday, dont you love all the testing and prodding... AND YAY for the positive attitude.
AFM - Well I am in the last 4 days of cycle, and as I explained I do think this is our month. My temp is still up over 37.3 (as of last night. Cramping this morning though, and generally ill. I dont get symptoms with my pregnancys, but who knows. My SIL had her baby on Friday, and I was gutted. but excited at the same time. I have decided to give them a wide berth until start of November when I know if we have been successfull. Also, I have been finally diagnosed with PTSD (port traumatic stress disorder, directly related to the labour and birth of Matthew. I am thinking about posting my story, not sure yet though.
Baby Dust to all.... (I have a feeling a few of you will be joining me on the journey with me this month..) or is that being too positive...
Thanks for the welcome ladies. I might not be around much as we're not TTCing yet, but I can live vicariously through you
It's good to know there are people who can relate, even if the circumstances are different.
Beata - thanks for your story about your two sons. I think I'll probably want a little boy until I find out it's a girl, then I'll love her with all my heart. And if we have a little boy, that would be wonderful and I'll try not to project my longing for Leo on him. And hopefully it won't harm him if I do.
Powelly - you're right. I do have 1000 things going on in my head, not least of which is missing my son. I know each child is different and will be loved for themselves (hey I'm a 3rd child, so it must be true). Maybe I'm overanalysing things. I do really feel part of me died with Leo, so I won't be able to offer future children my self as I used to be. Hopefully the woman I am now will be good enough.
Tess - I also want the bad nights and the breastfeeding problems my friends are going through. In fact I reserve the right to whinge about them as much or more when my time comes I've read Spirit Baby - it's lovely. I guess my job is to get as healthy as possible for the next pregnancy, try not to freak out too much during it and love whomever comes with all my heart. Fx this is your month. I hope you're getting help for the PTSD. I found writing Leo's birth story incredibly difficult, but it did help to get it out there. See if you can write it for yourself- you don't have to share it if you don't feel up for it. But if you do, you'll get a lot of support. Have you seen the thread for debriefing traumatic births?
Unfortunately as it turns out we are carriers for a genetic disease that Leo had, we have a 25% chance each pregnancy of this occuring again. We're waiting for Leo's DNA to be analysed to see if they'll be able to provide prenatal testing (via CVS) in future pregnancies. I hate to think about it, but if this reoccurred, we would not continue the pregnancy. We could never put another child or ourselves through this again. So we need to feel strong enough to risk that before we TTC again.
Tash, I am so sorry hunni about the genetic disease. I really hope you can get the help that you need when you decide to TTC. Just a thought that popped into my head, and please tell me if I am way off base, but would you ever consider IVF where then can screen the embryos so only the ones that are not affected can be put in? I know IVF is not for everyone, although I didn't find it that bad-not physically, but harder emotionally.
As for a part of us dying with the loss of a baby/child, you are so right hun. I will never be the same person I was before Josh, and I have to admit I often wondered if I could love Cam as much as I love Josh, but once Cam was born I was just so happy he was in my life, my heart filled with so much love, I often wonder if I could possibly love another human being any more. And hun, when you have your earthside baby, you will be the best mum in the world, you'll see
Hi Beata. The problem with IVF PGD is multiple. They may not be able to create the probe to test a single cell of the embryo. It could take years to develop if they could (and we don't have years). Fertile couples have the same or worse chance of conception with IVF PGD, as the IVF process is the same, but the embyros may be defective. And the deciding factor for us - they can only test for one thing. So assuming a whole heap of things lined up and we produced an embryo that was unaffected by ARPKD (the genetic disease), the baby could still have chromosone or other issues and we may find ourselves in the same painful position. Weighing up probabilities, possibilities and our own emotional strength, it's not something we'll pursue at this time.
We still have 75% chance of an unaffected baby. So when the time comes, we'll close our eyes, wish on a star, cross everything and hope we get a healthy child.
I think anyone who's held their child in their arms or dreamed of holding their baby knows just how important it is to have a baby. I have friends who choose to remain childless and they'll never understand this bone deep yearning for children. Which is fine for them, but not for us. I suppose it is like I could not understand why some people choose to have a large family until Leo was born and the love that came was amazing. Then I understood why people would choose to do it. We won't, but I can understand better now.
Like no-one who's never lost a child can understand the agony of it.
Tashybabe-I know that yearning. I had it for 8 years before Ellen (she was stillborn at 41 weeks) was concieved and now I have it worse (which I didn't think was possible). I am very sorry to hear of your genetic problems.
It might help you to hear that I totally chose to disregard the %'s and statistics. I believe we are all individuals and by that these figures mean nothing in our reality. I have chosen to ignore the %'s I have been given for falling pg. I suggest you believe in yourselves not the statistics about your genetic issues.
I never wanted to become one of those crazy women who were obsessed about having kids, but sadly I have.
In other news I have changed FS. WOW, what a huge difference! The new FS actually checked me thoroughly and asked lots of questions and didn't pigeon hole me. I am so so sad we did not go to her in the first place......
I am doing another tracking cycle this month and feeling more positive.
Powelly- I hope the testing and prodding gives you the answers you need.
Powelly I just wanted to tell you something that many people have told me about HCG levels - you can't compare yourself to others. Some have high & some low levels but it doesn't mean anything. It's just the way they are. That's why the range for dates is so large. Are you getting your progesterone checked as well? I hope you get scan to give you some peace of mind. Thinking of you hun.
Kateo I understand you exactly. I was there about 6 months ago wanting to tell a very pg girl from work that there were still hurdles ahead of her but as much as I wanted to I couldn't say anything. Thankfully it all went well for her. If only we could all have been so fortunate.
Lady Tess hope you're going ok.
Gigi you're such an amazing woman. I hope that your earth baby is close. I love what you're doing for your DD this Christmas. You're strength inspires me.
AFM. 7 weeks now. Still early days but the worries and fears are strong. Every day I wonder whether our baby is ok. And apart from getting bts done each day I have to believe that he/she is. Some days are harder than others. I wonder when I will shake off these worries &replace them with optimism?
Chez - I am just so very thrilled that your scan went well.... OMG... talk about hold your breath moment. My heart truly sings with joy... I am with you every step of the way. This journey will be hard, so very hard at times.
Kateo - I hear you. It's hard to burst their niave bubble hey? And maybe they will be the lucky one that never has to know this pain... half their luck? Go gently, this is a tough time of year.
Powelly - go get that early scan sweet.
Suz - boy do I miss you. Hugs.
Lolly- hiya.... looking forward to getting to know you.
Beata - give Cam a massive hug for me. Are you still going to China? I have been out of the loop....
Gi - you are such a brave soul my dear.... I have searched for places to hide and cry too, in all sorts of places. More recently though, I only hide if I think I am going to howl, apart from that, people can just wonder about why I have tears streaming down my face. And you know, most people won't even ask. Crazy times huh? Sometimes I despair at humanity, and then I come here. You never bring me down, EVER. Hugs.
Powelly - so glad its still going well. Get that scan if it is going to give you peace of mind. I remember being sooo paranoid about getting a scan done to see that little heartbeat and will probably be even more so next time. Hugs to you!!
Kate- hugs to you!!! I feel your pain!!I have sooo many friends due with in the next few months and we were looking forward to sharing this time together so when I hear that they have had their little ones I feel joy for them but my heart breaks a little each time. Its so hard when this time of year is all about family.
Gigi-I wish that therewas a cloak of invisibility for such occassions. So you could hide in your own little world and not worry about anyone seeing.
I have a friend at the moment completely depressed that she is having a little boy as she wanted a girl that she could dress up and do girly things with. Makes me mad and kinda depressed for them to not appreciate how lucky they are.
AFM - Doing the BD and trying to time it right! Fingers crossed!!
And it is so nice to hear of all the lovely ladies that are expecting. Gives me hope!!!
Well 2010 is not my year. AF showed up ... 4 days late and in full force. Although I didnt hold out much hope for this month, it still hurts. But what I am hanging onto this month is the fact that 2010 was for Matthew. I wasnt meant to take away from his year. Its for him. Nothing good was going to come out of 2010, and to be honest I am actually relieved to see the ass end of it.
Kateo - What can I say, The only real thing I can offer you is letting you know I was there too. Everything your saying is like you are watching me from somewhere. Christmas this year is very very hard. I have a 8 year old so i "have" to still do christmas. But thats what I am doing too... I am doing it not digging it. This time last year I was struggling with the cankles and the heat, even still with almost 2 months to go. It was a long time before I could walk through target or kmart alone. Pregnant women everywhere, and not to mention running head long into the baby section. HUGE HUGS hun... if you need to talk, send me a message. btw I still hold out hope that we lost our babys almost at the same time, we will do this together...
Chez67 - Again sending sticky dust and still silently whoo hooing for you... what a cool prezzie for you. Congrats again. I dont know the fear of miscarriage, as I have never experienced one, but I can fully imagine your feelings. It is hard and we are there for you. HUGS
Powelly - letting the anger out is hard, I have never felt this turmoil before. My head spins out of control and I just feel this incredible FURY building inside me. I am scared of what might happen if I do let it out completely, not sure I could regroup. Mrs Shrink says it is the PTSD and the fact that it was left for so long before getting help. But seriously, I dont think she is helping. What good is rehashing the problem over and over, is it just a thing where I will get "used to " talking about it? Even to the point where she pokes and prodes my emotions by talking about different things to get a reaction out of me. Well last time I went in there, she did... and what is worrying is it like she is factinated by me and using me for a Guinea Pig. I am sure that is not the case, but my chest gets so tight with anger, surely the stress is contributing to the fact we arent getting pregnant.... Anyway I have rambled on a bit here without telling you Congratulations again. Like I said to Chez, it will be a hard slog but we are here for you. HUGS
Gigi - How are you hunny??? I am thinking of you. 2011 here we come. xx
Tess- I think our stories have a lot of parallels. Hopefully we'll both have earth angels in 2011.
I have felt like the shrink people are looking a me like I am a guinea pig too.
I have been having "crying attacks" as I go through the same things as I went through this time last year only I'm not pg now.
I feel weird not buying pressies for a nearly 1 yo.........
I'm doing another tracking cycle this month. I don't know how it will go as hubby had a fall in a bike race last night. He races pushy's.
He has lots of bark off and a very sore shoulder. He is sooking about how sore he is which is a little annoying.
On the upside I have finished baking the 8 sorts of Xmas biccies and have bought most of the pressies I have to buy.
I am dying to get to a day where I can just rest.............
Girls, Thank you for checking up on me. I have been doing ok.
I will keep this short. I have so much to say to all of you but i just can't right now.
Tess I am so sorry AF showed. I have been thinking of you hun. I understand the comfort in giving 2010 to Matthew...makes total sense to me hun.
I am really struggling with Xmas. I thought i was done, but my mum has become incapacitated and I have to do some of her shopping for her. I am not happy about it. I love buying people things...i just feel overloaded with it right now and the shops have not been my friends of late. I am struggling.
Just wanted to drop in quickly and let you know I am functioning...and that is it really. I have getting lots of stuff done, but well, that is it atm.
I have found some joy in painting my nails black...i know a bit gothic- but it looks cool.
Love and thanks to you all.
Thinking of you all and sorry not mention all names. xoxoxo
I hope everyone got through Christmas ok. I found it hard Christmas eve but got through xmas day ok with only the occasional tear. It was pretty quiet, just dh and I with my mum, stepdad and their dog
Neither of us can handle crowds atm or more having to talk to strangers so we're trying to work out what we do for NYE. DH found it hard talking to family on skype. The constant 'how are you going' questions are hard. They mean well but what are you supposed to say? We're ok, we're a mess?
We went down the beach today and each released a balloon with a message for Leo. It's been 5 months now. We're trying to let go of the pain and things like this help. I want to be able to cherish my memories of our son without turning into a basket case. I also want to be in a space where I can welcome another baby into our lives without feeling guilty like we're replacing Leo. We can never replace him.
I woke up xmas morning from a dream where I was holding a newborn son and I was comparing him to Leo, seeing how they looked different. I will always long for our little angel but I want another baby and that dream made me feel happy, like I can love Leo and another child too. I still want to leave it til next year though and that's only 6 days away now.
tashybabe - you speak words we know all too well... You will never replace little Leo, he is with you forever. But I too know the longing for holding a earthside bubba.
All the rest of you lovely ladies - I hope you coped well during christmas... My ticker is actually wrong as I am only 3dpo. Had massive ovulation pains Christmas eve later in the afternoon. So I am guessing it was really a christmas egg. I just hope we have caught it. Something like that would replenish my faith in Christmas.
Christmas, we got through. Not many glitches, shared a few tears and talked about what he might have been up to on this day as he wouldve been 10 months old. We also got a suprising email, Hubby works alongside a certian AFL football club, and we recieved a email from their president expressing his sympathy and offering not only a memership for our 8 year old but a seasons worth of suprises including running out with the team on one of the mcg games... My son no less is over the moon. But is it wrong of me to sit here and think, everyone around him can make him happy except me... He was waiting so long for his baby brother, and that was ripped from him.
Hi Ladies, Hope you all coped okay over the holidays. We have had been sooo busy and stressed for me to think about it much. We got stuck between flood waters for a bit near Bundaberg but made it home yesterday. AF should have arrived 2 days ago but not here yet have POAS but got a BFN so don't know if its just late cos of the stress in the last week. We have to move and have been looking for a house this last week so now have a week to pack and move 200k's away. So I suppose I should hop off here and start packing. Hope you all have a lovely new year and may 2011 bring us all we wish for!!!
I hope you all got through Christmas ok, as difficult as it is for all of us. I am not sure that Christmas will ever be the same for us again.
We had a quiet day with family. It was so hot over here that I think I overdid things and had to spend the next day in bed with a bad headache and nausea.
I wish everyone the best for 2011, and have my fingers and toes crossed waiting for some new year BFPs!
Merry Christmas one and all. I hope you all had a nice time with your family and friends. Our angel babies would have been proud of how well we are all coping through this hard time. I was thinking the other day, I know my boy would have wanted me to be happy, so instead of letting myself get too sad, I try to enjoy the day in honour of him. In saying that, it's been almost 4 years since we lost him and the first Christmas was dreadful.
Wishing you all the best sticky vibes for 2011. May the BFP's be plentiful. I had a dating scan the week of Christmas and after a brief freak out (couldn't find a HB with the abdominal scan) they did a transvaginal and there it was. Tiny and beating. It feels real now and I'm cautiously letting myself get a tiny bit happy/excited about it.
Chez- you are right hun...won't ever be the same. Every happy moment comes with a piece of pain...which we are all willing mothers to carry that but it is there nonetheless. I can find happiness in moments but wish DD was here ..feet on the ground sharing it. She was be walking....running!
Tash- I loved your dream, what a wonderful start to the year.
Lollylegs- hope the move goes well hun.
AFM- Well i have been a bit incommunicado for the week. I did a four day silent meditation which was welcomed but very difficult at times. I am just proud to have completed it. No talking, tv, music, computer, phone, driving for fours days...very simple diet, no sugar, stimulants, wheat, etc. It was not disimilar of things ih ave done in the past but all at once. My blessed husband was very understanding...incredible and supportive. I am a lucky woman. I read, meditated, exercised and did what i could to get through. Lots of water!!!
It felt like the right time for that sort of thing...the moon was waning- my period had arrived...it was before the new year and everyone was busy away...less chance of being interrupted. So i feel pretty good. Lost no weight...my god after being pregnant you have to work harder at it. I have walked 5km each day for the last 5 days and ate very well....hmmmmi am looking at the scales and 'wieghting'!! Very frustrating but to be completely honest it is not why i did this so that is perfectly acceptable. I am trying to find me again...somewhere in there. Trying to find a small piece of me that can keep this going for a little bit longer. I tried to meditate a lot about being pg and i think there is still a possibility there. I think. xoxo
One thing that happened though....got my mojo back! Watch out DH.
Love and Happy New Years to you all. My biggest sadness for this new day is that I can no longer say my daughter was born 'last' year..it will be the year before last for now until we reach April and it will be 2 years. Silly but that really cut us both when midnight fell last night.
TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #3 2010
journey with me this month..) or is that being too positive... 
Hope you all have a lovely new year and may 2011 bring us all we wish for!!!
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