Tashy - It isn't fair, It's something you will never understand. It is especially made hard when people around you are having what you should have. I agree with Gigi though, concentrate on you, you don't have to be happy for anyone at this point hun. It's ok to not have the strength to feel happy for them. It's ok to be sad and the unfairness that you're beautiful son's are dead and that you and your DH are the ones left behind grieving. It is sad, it is unfair, things shouldn't be this way. As for it being easier the 2nd time round, I can't imagine that it would ever be easier. It takes enormous energy to grieve, and after grieving for L, I think that would drain you. A loss of J so close would be enough to sap every ounce you have. I am glad you are talking through your feelings whether it be on here or wherever, keep talking, we are always listening. Big big
Tashy-- Thank you for writing to me on the other thread. I am trying to find my way back. I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry. I found that walking, walking, walking helped -- I walked a lot-- and looking at trees. We miss our son tremendously. It is still fresh, but not as fresh as it was.
My husband and I began to participate in infant loss groups. That helped, even when I didn't "feel" like going. We did memorials and vigils...and I said my son's name CONSTANTLY. I wanted people to know that he existed. These people helped us to heal. But of course, healing doesn't happen all at once and it doesn't ever "finish" -- and that's okay.
Reading stories of loss actually helped too. There is a good book called "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" which is the story of a mother and her baby born still. She is a fantastic writer.
The doctors told us that our son would, most likely, have been born still. We are grateful that he lived for 2 months, but he did suffer in his struggle for life.
I am glad that you wrote to me, though I am sad to meet you again here.
Thank you for your response to me and reaching out, under the circumstances.
S&S - glad you could join us, though sorry you had to.
I'm so glad for you that your mummy instinct meant you knew something was wrong and Obie came early. I know that seems a bizarre thing to say, but you had that time with him, however short. He was a beautiful little boy and so loved. You may want to explain your situation to the others when you're up to it.
I'm a bit better today and about to go for a walk. I have pancake mixture waiting for me to make brunch and GF bread dough resting before baking. DH got home last night and I had a better night's sleep which makes a big difference.
I've noticed this before in grief, the lead up to milestones is so much worse than the actual day. It's like I process ny grief beforehand and find some peace on the actual day. Not that Monday was a milestone I had anticipated.
I'll be back later. I just wanted to welcome S&S to our board and thank you all for your support. I'm not the best contributor here but I really appreciate somewhere people can understand.
Tashy love, checking up on you. How are you going today? And it is ok if it was just as bad as yesterday or the day before. You are in my thoughts and here today if you need to chat about anything. I will have my computer on for the next few hours hun. Thinking of you. xoxo
Sunshine and Stars, Welcome and sorry to welcome you here. Sorry to hear of your beautiful boy's death and the heartache you have experienced. Nothing else compares. You are surrounded by pretty special women in here and i hope you will find some comfort in knowing you can speak up and be heard, can talk about anything, can find some understanding. It is a safe place and supportive place.
I see you are on TWW, wishing you much luck and love. Hoping for you a beautiful journey through a new pregnancy and the birth of a sibling for your first born boy. xoxo
CD5 for me and winding up on the AF front. Thankfully, as it was a bit rough this time round. Another month done, what will this one bring.
I found myself bawling last night with moment of deep heartache, desperation to hold my girl. I struggle to find comfort in reason today. No reason seems good enough to not have my girl here running around, driving me mad.
Love and thanks to all for cheering me on and your thoughts.
Yes i would have to agree, the elad up for me has always been the hardest and i still find that. An anticipation for the day but also the lead up for a day that becomes history. It sems harder to let things go when you have had to let go of someone/something so huge, so important, so special. xoxo
Enjoy your walk and the pancakes love...you have given me the idea!
Tash-- Yes, in a strange way, I thank my body. Before my son, I *hated* my body. I felt like it had let me down, from the miscarriage. But then we had our son. And at first, I was angry with my body...but then we started to learn that my son was very compromised. We were spared having to make a terrible choice of ending the pregnancy or continuing it. Then we found out that he was a mystery child. Now, I thank my body. We did the best we could-- as you did. This is a strange thing to say-- but I'm not sure that I would change anything. Of course, I would have liked to have had a healthy son. But he wouldn't have been the complicated little guy -- the unique person he was. Our grief is mixed up with all kinds of complex layers.
to anyone who is reading this-- I had a "normal" pregnancy. Our son was born at nearly 33 weeks. But he couldn't swallow his own secretions, no gag reflex, and he had difficulty breathing effectively on his own. It was very scary, as the doctors didn't know what was wrong or why he was born as he was. He was conceived with donor sperm and was a little IVF wonder. No chromosomal issues, and all genetic tests came back normal. They said that he suffered an injury in the womb-- but we have no idea how. For a long time I kept asking why, why, why. Now I just give him over to the great Mystery of all that IS. We don't know why. I am grateful to him, that I got to experience pregnancy as long as I did. I learned a lot. He gave me courage. He helps me to move again (he couldn't move his legs very well). I look at handicapped children differently. I appreciate life more. These are gifts. They help me to smile through tears, when they fall.
I know I have been a slacker and had no posts recently. It is hard everytime I log in to see so many other women here going through the same thing that I am. I wish no one had to ever go through this.
I have been busy with my local baby loss support group, our wrist bands have sold out of the first order and we have just ordered another 950! We have "Mummy of an Angel", "Daddy of an Angel", "Remembering our Angel - Always loved" and "Baby Loss Awareness - Every life is precious". All of them are available in pale blue or pale pink. The money raised goes to supplying memorial boxes for still born babies at our local hospital as at the moment there is nothing available. We are also organising a fundraising high tea on the 8th of October for the same reason. Hopefully it is a successful day and can become an annual thing! If your interested in the bands let me know
I got AF today - my first one since my miscarriage a month ago tomorrow. Unless you have gone through a loss like we have I dont think anyone understands how painful it is to get AF when you should still be pregnant or have a new born in your arms. As much as I hate having AF at least everything seems to be returning to normal. Im off to see a specialist in Newcastle on Friday. Hopefully we can get some answers and be up the duff soon!
Do any of you ladies have private health care? I dont at the moment, but the Dr I am going to see only works in a private hospital. Do you end up out of pocket anyway when you have your baby with private health care? I never went through this with my daughter as I had a boring pregnancy and labour at the local hospital (no private options available!) So not sure what to do this time. We hadnt thought about it for James either as we were expecting another boring pregnancy. Now I am praying for the most boring, normal pregnancy possible lol.
Gigi - when do you get your new pup or have I missed that news? Im sorry you have been having a tough time, Im with you on that one, I barely spoke to anyone last week, just didnt have the energy to pretend that everything was ok.
Much love to you all and I hope that the next cycle is THE cycle for all of us.
Trace xoxo
Hey EmJ, our little guide dog pup arrives at the end of the month when it reaches 10 weeks. Only a couple of weeks away now. I get to meet the litter this friday and I am focusing on that for now.
Good on you for keeping busy hun with the support group and fundraising. It can be quite cathartic and I am sure your suuport has been invaluable.
I am doing ok, just some days i don't push it. My SIL and nephews have just been for a visit and left like a tornado- bless them. I wish it was more relaxing for my SIL to visit, but the kids get so excited and she worries about them pulling the place apart. While i appreciate that, i still want her to feel she can relax. We have carpet and although the house is not child proof, i don't leave things around that they can't get into. But man...i feel a like a silence has fallen when they leave. So peaceful and quiet. I didn't realise that until they had been and left. I must help her out a bit more and take one of them now and then to give her more of a break. The times i look after them are when she is working and i think she might like to enjoy her boys for a bit of one on one time too sometimes. They are full on.
Thinking of you Trace as your cycle returns, new beginnings hun and hope this cycle brings you new hope. oxox
Gigi - sorry you're having a hard time. I don't find there are reasons either. I mean there are, medically, but not emotionally. I still struggle with disbelief that this is what happened. This was not in my life's plan. Do you find it helps or hinders to imagine your little girl as she would be if she'd been healthy and survived? I often do that with the boys and smile.
Thanks for checking up on me. I was in a very bad space. Unfortunately I think it's very easy to slip into that bad place. The good day are aberrations at the moment. I wish it was the other way around.
So exciting about your puppy. Will you show us pictures when you get him/her?
BAL - thanks for your comments. I don't know why I thought this shouldn't be this hard. i think I expect myself to be stronger than I am. That maybe I should be tougher. I have no idea why I think that about myself. I hate the idea of being weak and fragile. I hate that I am so vulnerable now. You're right, it is so draining and sometimes it easier just to hide from the world.
S&S - wishing you lots of strength in your TWW.
I've often said that L made the decision for us. He died at birth, we didnt know he was sick, he was alive as I pushed him out - I felt him kicking - but he couldnt breathe on his own. J was so much harder, as we found out he was sick at the 20 week scan and over the following weeks he deteriorated. We let him go in peace but it was an awful, awful thing to go through. We may have been more prepared but that's no consolation at all. Dead is dead and grief is grief.
It sounds like your little boy fought so hard to stay. It's amazing the effect our babies can have in such a short time. I know people have told me their lives changed when L died. I know we were able to raise money for SIDS and Kids after J died. As for their long term legacy, I hope they are positive. I still struggle with that now, finding the positive.
EJ - those bracelets sound great. I think memorial boxes are a fabulous idea. Make sure you include any training or whatever you need to do in planning that. I found some staff are better than others at dealing with grieving parents. I wish the poorer staff were kept away, to be honest.
I know AF when you should be pregnant sucks, but as you say, it's positive to see your body reset. After L, it took me 13 weeks for AF to return. This time it was 6 weeks. I still hate watching O come and go without TTC but I'm scared of getting pregnant and risking another loss. We are waiting for test results on J before we make a decision. Though we're not actually expecting them to find anything. Someone once said you try again when the hope outweighs the fear.
Wishing you the world's most healthy, boring pregnancy ever As for PHI, we have it. Ironically, we birthed in public hospitals both times and so didnt really need it. We were able to claim private midwifery, though you can now get that through medicare. You usually have 12 month wait on PHI. Ironically, L was born 5 days before our waiting time elapsed, so they wouldnt pay out. I think LaTrobe has a policy where the waiting time is only 9 months but dont know if you can get that in NSW. Private hospitals etc without PHI can cost an enormous amount, especially if you end up needing epidural, c/s, paed etc. So if you're going to get it, get it soon.
I hope everyone else is OK
AFM. Not much. I've been baking bread and generally wasting time. I need to plan more appointments so I get outside the house. Today was acupuncture. We're working on balancing hormones and making healthy babies (with DH, not the acupunturists - ew!). I have an enormous To Do list of little things to get done. I haven't been able to look at the paperwork for the bereavement payment. Apparently we can claim paid parenting allowance. I just shake and cry every time I look at it. I need to research places in Spain so we can book accommodation for our trip. I need to book a waxing appointment. All little things.
Dh is away again next week. The upside of his new job is he is less stressed. The downside is he travels more. So I need to plan things to do when he's away. I hate that I've become like this. I have always been so strong and independent. Once upon a time, I was a management consultant advising businesses on strategies and policies. This fragile woman who can't leave the house isn't me. I don't know where me went.
Tash, I often feel that way..angry/sad at the loss of me. I used to run a busy restaurant, the Head Chef in a London City restaurant, training apprentices, doing a stupid amount at once. I struggle with so much of it now...I used to be so independant and confident. I have lost so much of that in me. I hope one day it will return but for now, this is who I am.
I sometimes imagine of what she would be doing now, walking, learning to talk, showing her stubborn and independant streak! But other times i just long to have had her as a baby. I get thrown from one to the other. A baby in my arms, bfing, changing, needing me...to a child of 2 1/2 running around and wanting to choose what she wears! I find joy and sadness in both pictures as i am sure all of us do. Just sometimes, i crave to hold her.
I think I am just a bit lost right now and overwhelmed at what turning my life around entails. I am hoping that when this puppy arrives, i can focus on that, get me out of this cloudy existence, find my clarity and confidence. I hope it will help my mood so I can take another step forward...whatever that may be. I want to be worth somethign again...my self worth more than anything. I just want to feel like it is all worth it in some way...this life we live. I think having the pup will also help me focus on us a bit more and not give so much although i love my nephews to death...i spend more time and money on them sometimes than on my own home and life. I am always available and always working around other peoples needs. It will be a nice turn to have to be considered for a while.
Thank you all for caring so much...but I am doing ok.
Tash, Sounds like a plan to organise things while Dh is away. A trip to Spain sounds exciting. So where do you want to go...have you been before? My favourite place was Barcellona...we stayed ina gorgeous place, in the newer end that was done up for the olymipics or something...like that anyway. Really very close the city but also a little cheaper. We have also stayed in the city, from backpackers...which was really very good, to other hotels. Love that place, been a few times. One of the perks living in the UK..so close to EU. If you are looking for advice on other places...let me know. I can find some for you. We have a friend that goes down ther 3 mths of every years through the summer. Lucky buggers. San Sebastian is a beauty too.
Waxing....blah! Massage....much better!
Private Health insurance...I can't remember who asked...S&S was that you or EmJ?? Anyway, yes we have it...have had it for years for main reason of maternity. Then we had DD in public anyway. We didn't need it and we were better off going public for services available, besides our private Ob specialised in complications etc and she also did hours in the public system so put us through her public books etc. It would have been nice to have had the cover for a private midwife and homebirth when that option was avail many years ago...but of course all that has changed now. Sorry can't help. We have kept hold of the cover now...for other reasons and benefits unrelated to maternity and pregnancy.
Well, went and spent far more on herbs than I would in a year to replant all my herb pots on the balcony...hope i don't kill these ones and they last longer than 12mths. If i can do that i am happy to replace them every 12-18 mths. Felt nice to get my hands in manure!, plant thngs and hope they grow. Quite theraputic nurturing and gardening. Also planted a jasmine near the back courtyard fence and hope to cover soem of that fence...and have some nice smelling flowers too.
I am off ladies, Love and wishes to all. Thanks for listening.
Thinking of you Tash and S&S and hoping you have more good days than bad soon...when the time is right to. xxoxo
Hey Lovelies,
How is everyone? Been a bit quite in here the last few days.
I have read all the persies but will be back later for a proper catch up.
I am due for af today & she feels like she is lurking
Anyway, that's all I have the energy for at the mo'.
Love, peace & mungbeans to all
CD 11 for me today and Ov is coming up on me a bit quicker this month than many. I don't seem to be ready. My digestion/gut, bits and bobs are bothering me a bit at the moment and i know i should be getting checked out but i am a bit over it, tired of it, scared out of my pants and procrastinating like no mans business. Anyway...we will get there.
Good news this week....Pup arrives on Fri...she is a girl and black. I have now signed confidentiality agreements and can't say anything more about her on here, or post photos unfortunately. Ironically her litter was 'G' letter and the first letter of DD's name. I am finding all sorts of coincidences everywhere through life right now. I have made a cover and liner for her crate and i am eagerly waiting for Fri morning. Let the fun begin.
Not much else of major interest going on here...sewing for the boys, looking after one of my nephews today and he is asleep, so i better go and get a few things done.
Sigh.... sorry I haven't been around much. I wish I could wave my wand and make it at little easier for us all to bear. I haven't really had a chance to read everything yet, but what I have has made my heart heavy. I am so sorry my dear sweet friends.
Nothing spectacular to report as to why I was awol, I just some how dropped off the radar and thought we'd all gone quiet. LOL. I should have known better.
I hope not to go AWOL again for a while.
Have been doing it tough here too - just insensitive relatives - who in a short flurry of words managed to bring me back to the very raw grief. But one of the things that has come from it? I now know I am much stronger than I imagined and that I will protect my babies memory and legacy. I guess until now I never really had to. The lioness in me has roared, but it has come at a price both of self and my "relationship" with the relatives.
Someone suggested to me that I just call one of the relatives and just apologise even though I didn't do anything wrong. I can't do that. It's disrespectful and dishonest on so many levels, to myself, to my babies, and to the other person. Then the person suggested that my nana ( who I adore) would do that. So lay the guilt on me... no fair. I just responded that my nana was a bigger person than I will ever be. I think that's a way of saying I am not going to aplogise. I don't often think that principles shold stand in the way of relationships, but I do this time.
Ahhh, and just when I thought I was done bug catching I am starting to get a cold and feel a wee bit miserable and sorry for myself. Oh well. At least the weather is nice. Got to hang some washing out!
dory. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. There's no way you should apologise. If anyone wants to be disrespectful to my boys, I wouldn't have anything to do with them either, though they'd have an earful/boot up the backside. Who the hell do they think they are? I feel angry and disgusted on your behalf. All we have of our angels in their memories and it's important to protect them. It's not like they can defend themselves. Good on you for being a mama lioness.
Gigi - that's exciting about getting your puppy. A pity you can't show pics or post more about her, but that's ok. You soon get to have puppy cuddles and have a small bundle with a waggy bum tripping over your feet
Sorry to hear about the digestion issues. I hope you can sort it out. I need to call a gastro person to look at mine, which I'm putting off. I have gluten intolerance and am worried about celiac.
With Spain - it's a tack on to our UK trip. DH's Dad live in Spain. We'll be seeing Andulucia, which I'm very excited about. I am trying to learn Spanish. I need to get a guide book so we can finalise accommodation and book the Alambra.
I want to plant more herbs and vegies in pots. I love picking my own herbs to cook with. I love the smell of jasmine - it always makes me smile. We gave people little pots of Alyssum at J's funeral and I have it growing in pots. It smells like honey.
S&S - I hope you're OK and not too stressed in the TWW. When do you find out?
hi to everyone else.
AFM. Just got off the phone in tears to Centrelink about the paid parent leave. I needed to check details and it was so painful. Can't have been pleasant for guy at the end of the phone, but he was taking so long and didn't know anything. I guess they dont deal with dead baby parents often.
At least I have the information so I can get the form filled out. I am slowly working through a big long To Do list, trying to tick off tasks everyday. I had a good day out yesterday - even went shopping. I haven't bought new clothes in ages, so that was nice, though the mummy tummy is depressing. I'm trying to work on that too. I've started a Couch to 5K program and signed up for weekly pilates. I'm off to Medicare soon. So much excitement.
I've been charting and watched my temps take a dive at 9dpo. I was sure AF would arrive. I'm concerned about luteal phase defect though acupuncture man says not to worry. AF still hasnt arrived, so maybe I might scrape through to a 'normal' LP this time. Anything over 12 days would be a bonus. Over the last few years I've watched it get shorter & shorter. I was on progesterone with L & J but dont want to take anything in future pregnancies, so i need my body to get better.
We had a meeting with the OB - she was really lovely and has agreed to do shared care with our IM, so I feel better about that. Still hate the idea of another hospital birth, but I've decided I want access to a paediatrician, so that's the plan. Unless we manage to have a healthy, living child who arrives at home before I have time to work out what's going on. One of those "cross that bridge when we get there" things really. I don't know if I can believe we ever get to have a take home baby. I hope so, but I can't believe it.
Tash- Argh...i needed a year longer to deal with centrelink at the time. Man that was hard. Good on you for braving it. So hard to deal with when you are just a number, not their fault and I am sure you are right, they wouldn't get too many dead baby parents...
I love jasmine too...hope to open the door to the courtyard and smell a beautiful aroma...one day soon.
I hope you get to one day soon take home your bub love, i really do. That is good for the ob to work with your IM..nice. Best of both worlds and hopefully they will mesh nicely togehter to give you the complete care you need. Your accupuncturist...sound on the money....saying 'not to worry. Love the calmness that can give you as we can sometimes (well i do) run with the thoughts in our head which can take us so far from reality at times.
You are sounding a little better for now hun, hope you are doing ok anyway. xoxo
Dores- Oh babe, I am so sorry it has been tough. No you should not apologise in my opinion. Adult relationships require people taking responsibility for their own actions and meeting people half way. I don't think you have done anything to apologise for. That is not on love. I am sure your Nan was a star, but a different lifetime and different way of dealing with things. We have had many a revolution since then. In my opinion that is being a bully to say such things. It is not right to push your opinions on someone to make them feel manipulated and vulnerable...especially on such an important subject as your children. And to compare you to your Nan, that is just cheeky and really inapropriate. Makes me a bit cranky really! I am sorry you have had to deal with this love...and I am more sorry i have not checked on you. I have been wallowing in my own rubbish lately. Not a very good friend... I do think of you and I am looking forward to catching up soon. xoxoxoox Sending you a huge hug love and see you soon. xoxo
AFM- I believe i just ov'd in the car on my way home..LOL! CD12 (so a little early) and sharp twang of a feeling as it sometimes is. Not a lot of prep has been made but we will certainly have given it our best shot this month. Anyway, EWM on the go and skin is doing ok.
Go to go and get ready for yoga...then a night in sewing. I have big red velvet/valour xmas sacks to do for each of the boys and then 2 more super hero capes, the earlier one was a hit. The eldest has asked me so nicely...how could i refuse. xoxo
Got to go and watch my baby gates on ebay ...i hope i win them for a steal!
Just wanted to say Hi - I am have pretty busy lately and am sick with some sort of cold again, so haven't been posting. I will catch up soon. I also seemed to have not been getting notifications from when my status changed from being a mod to not being a mod. Anyway, hopefully that's all sorted.
Gi - thinking of you. Can't wait to catch up on all your goings on.
I also wanted to let you know, for those of you who know Blessed at Last, she has recently given birth to her little man - a wee 25 weeker. They both need all the love and strength we can send.
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As for PHI, we have it. Ironically, we birthed in public hospitals both times and so didnt really need it. We were able to claim private midwifery, though you can now get that through medicare. You usually have 12 month wait on PHI. Ironically, L was born 5 days before our waiting time elapsed, so they wouldnt pay out. I think LaTrobe has a policy where the waiting time is only 9 months but dont know if you can get that in NSW. Private hospitals etc without PHI can cost an enormous amount, especially if you end up needing epidural, c/s, paed etc. So if you're going to get it, get it soon.
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