Tashy - It isn't fair, It's something you will never understand. It is especially made hard when people around you are having what you should have. I agree with Gigi though, concentrate on you, you don't have to be happy for anyone at this point hun. It's ok to not have the strength to feel happy for them. It's ok to be sad and the unfairness that you're beautiful son's are dead and that you and your DH are the ones left behind grieving. It is sad, it is unfair, things shouldn't be this way. As for it being easier the 2nd time round, I can't imagine that it would ever be easier. It takes enormous energy to grieve, and after grieving for L, I think that would drain you. A loss of J so close would be enough to sap every ounce you have. I am glad you are talking through your feelings whether it be on here or wherever, keep talking, we are always listening. Big big