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Thread: TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after 1st trimester ~ NOV/DEC 07

  1. #109

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    Naomi - You just need some faith that your OB will keep your bub safe.

    SO why can friends be so (unintentionally) mean. So far this week I have been told that, I am letting my m/c define me and I have got to try and be more like my old self. IT HAS BARELY BEEN 4 WEEKS! Today my close friend told me she knows I am sad but I need to understand it was just one of those things that happens and i need to start getting over it and move on. AS IF IT WAS JUST THAT EASY!! Also I am a big girl and I had to hear for 19 weeks that I should have lost weight before my pregnancy by my mom. I have lost a few pounds (I am 3 pounds less than my pre-preg weight). I told a good friend at work that I am trying to lose some more weight and she said maybe my weight had something to do with losing my son. THANKS A LOT! Sorry I seem to rant a lot, I apologize. I don't think other people know how hard it is just to "pretend" to be normal. I went back to work after only 2 weeks because I needed the distraction, but I think other people assume I am "over it." Sorry i am done.



    Barbara

  2. #110

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    Barbara - arrrggghhh I could scream with rage on your behalf - I have a helpful phrase for friends and family that doesn't start a big row - but gets the message across... when they tell you to basically get over it, one suggestion is ..."You "get over" a cold, chest infection or a bad mood you don't GET OVER the death of a much loved, dearly yearned for part of your soul that lived and breathed with in you, you merely learn, with time and the support of loved ones, to deal with the incredible sense of loss and sadness"...or the other option, that I really wanted to say...that is guaranteed to start the row of the century.... goes something more like this...(in a screeching and hysterical tone) G*(% F&^%*ed What would you know anyway you selfish, self centred moron"
    I would have loved to have shouted that at a few people but of course never did. You would be amazed at the similiar things that have been told to all of us in BB by well meaning friends and family. Basically I think people NEED and WANT you to get over it so that THEIR lives can return to normal. But just as you said - our lives aren't normal anymore - we pretend for everyone else and one by one find our way to BB where the new normal becomes so important. Where people have lived through better, worse, similiar experiences and still find time to offer support and friendship to others (no matter what their own personal suffering may be) - in a helpful, encouraging and positive way. I do remember once telling a member of my family that I found it heartbreaking that the only people that even attempted to feel what I was feeling was the group of people at BB that I'd never even met.
    Thinking of you....sorry for the soapbox...

    Hi to everyone! George

    I

  3. #111

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    Georgoe - Thanks so much. I am getting ready for work (here in New York it is 6:30am). I smiled and snickered at your "self-centered moron" comment. And you are so right that the people here at BB are wonderful. It is awful to know that other women suffer like I am. BUT I am so glad that we all have each other for support and understanding

    On a strangely almost pleasant note. I think AF came this morning?! It is 4 weeks to the day and I stopped bleeding about a week ago. **TMI ALERT** although I ahve had some annoying cm for a few days now. This morning I was bleeding again. and I actually have minor cramps. I will see how the day goes becasue I think it is too soon for AF. ISn't it?

    Barbara

  4. #112

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    Anthony's mum..... hey there- i see u r online- you havent done enough posts for a personal message- but do you want to have a chat?? We can just keep posting!

    Love Kat aka Starbright

  5. #113

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    SB - I am sorry. I was on for just a quick few minutes while getting ready for work. I am at work now and have a few minutes. Is everything okay?

  6. #114

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    Thats ok- i got your pm- sent you one back xoxox

  7. #115

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    howdy everyone.
    Nomi- it is such a roller coaster of nerves and fear and guilt and joy -- trust in your doc, but also in yourself. if you have a question, get it answered. you know what is going on in your body, and better safe than sorry.
    Barbara- arrrrgggghhh. i agree with Georgie on this one. folks want you to be better so THEIR lives can get back to normal. i've tried things like copying passages from support books for my relatives that say it is normal for parents to grieve for a year or more with the loss of their child. it opened even the eyes of some of my best supporters, who had assumed i would be better in 3 or so months. and my boss, who went white when i shared it with him. ultimately, though, no one who has not lost a child can ever understand. they might think they can sympathize, like i did before this happened, but they cannot place themselves in our shoes. try to make them understand what you need to the extent you have the energy, but after that, i would simply avoid folks who make you feel worse. you have every right to grieve, and to grieve for as long as you need and in the way you need. and if you don't it will be worse for you, and everyone else, because it will eventually come out years down the road. far better to live through it now as you need to than to squish it down and pretend. i'm sorry you have to go through this "get over it" advice -- Georgie is right, it is one of the constants we all face in this journey. big hugs to you.

  8. #116

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    Anthonysmom: I hate to say it, but a lot of people just don't "get" MC. Obstetric loss is something that stays with you forever. Yes, you'll be happy again, but other people don't have the right to try to push you to feel a certain way. And unfortunately comments like about your weight only add to your pain, not take it away. That's what's great about this forum. We've all been through the same experiences and we know how painful it is. Here's where you need to go to rant!
    And no, it might not be too early for AF. My first post MC cycle only had a 5 day luteal cycle.

    gks: I really liked your phrase about "the new normal". I'll probably steal it and use it LOL!

    naomij and StarBright: fingers still crossed (and toes, too...)

    Auntie M: You're right about how people who haven't been through obstetric loss have a hard time understanding. After my third MC, due to circumstances beyond my control, a lot of people found out about it. But I was lucky. It was like they were coming out of the woodwork--women I had known for years but never knew they had OB losses were coming to tell me their stories. And they were the ones who didn't say stupid things like "it's all for the best"--because they understood.

    I do some hospice work part time--as a nurse--and the best thing you can say to people is "I'm sorry for your loss." There's NOTHING you can say to take the pain away. You just have to be there for them so they know they're not alone, and not be afraid of dealing with death and grief and mortality.

  9. #117

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    Auntie M - I wish no one had to be in our shoes. I could totally see this grievingprocess taking up to a year. You are losing a child and all the hopes, dreams, and expectations that go with him/her.

    TM - I know my friend wasn't trying to be mean about my weight, but I just didn't need to hear her question if my weight is why I lost my son. And I agree I may learn to cope better, but this will stay with us all forever.

    I think AF was a false alarm. I woke up yesterday with a little, then had some later, but by pm it was all gone, including cramps. Maybe I am just puching my body too hard. I have been walking a lot after work. about 2 miles. its good for my health and to clear my head.

    well I am somewhat happy this morning (it is 5:45am in new york) I am a special education teacher. I got a phone call 15 minutes ago saying school was closed today due to snow. YEAH! FIRST SNOWDAY OF THE SCHOOL YEAR! Its nice to be happy about something.

    Barbara

  10. #118

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    Anthonysmom: That does it--I'm totally jealous of you right now. I'm on the Eastern Seaboard, too, but when we woke up the weather was dry. Now it's sleeting, but my kids are already at school. I really really hoped I could roll over and go back to sleep this morning...

  11. #119

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    TM - It hasn't even stated snowing here yet, which is the funny thing. It is supposed to start any minute and then get bad so the school decided to close just in case.

  12. #120

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    I just dropped by to wish my son Anthony a happy 1 month angelversary. SOmetimes I think it was just yesterday that you were taken from me, sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago.

  13. #121

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    Anthonysmum - How so very sweet. My prayers are to you today

  14. #122

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    Ditto. The same for everybody.

  15. #123

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    Anthony'smom -- happy one month birthday to your precious Anthony. and big hugs to you. i am sure Anthony is with you in his own way.

  16. #124

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    Happy one month Angelversary Anthony *big hugs*

    xoxo

  17. #125
    Karly Guest

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    Hello, Im new to this. Just looking on the net for info on a few problems I have with regards to TTC. This site popped up so here I am. I have two beautiful children and am trying for number 3. We got prgnant soon after number 2 but baby's heart stopped at 14 wks so I had a D&C to remove. We were told it was normal so we should be fine. It took us a while to fall again and when we did it was great. At 6 wks babys heart was not good. Baby held on til 14 wks then its little heart stopped. D&C was done then another 2 weeks later. I am now at a fertility specialist. They have told me I have adenmyosis....and then I got a letter on Thurs saying I had ureaplasma and to take antibiotics for 2 weeks. I have only been to an initial appointment and am going for my follow up on Fri. I am so nervouse because when I look up the adenomyosis the chances of falling pregnant dont look good. Does anyone know much about any of this??

    Thanks

  18. #126

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    karly - While I don't have any answers for you, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your losses. Good luck on Friday

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