TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after the first trimester Sept '07

[Mel1977]

Oh Kat, I wish I could give you a big

It is so natural for you to feel that way about your mate. Its sort of like I say about our friend who is expecting in Oct - I dont want them to lose their baby, but I dont want them to have it either. Sounds weird but you will get me. Its hard, especially when you see how hard you have tried and how many times you have been kicked and then when its seems its just fallen in their lap, my god it is so natural to feel a little bitter about it. It doesnt make you a bad friend, it just makes you someone who is hurting a lot.

I so wish I could help make you feel better, if you need to talk at all let me know and I can give you a call, whenever you need I am here! Its gonna be hard when your sis has her baby, and all you can do is take it at your own pace. Do things when your ready, and if people around you think your selfish then that's just tough. You are the one who goes home in the night and cries yourself to sleep, while they get to tuck their baby into bed - they have no right to judge you!

I hope you feel just a bit better having got it off your chest.

Love Mel :hugs:

[~StarBright~]

Bugger, i just wrote a post and lost it, i hate that!! Now i have to try and remember what i said.

Thanks mel- i might call you tonight. I do feel better after letting it out. I always feel better after having a cry and letting stuff out in here. Everyone is so helpfull and understanding! But even if no one says anything back, it is good just to get it out!

DH kept asking me what was wrong last night but i just couldn't open my mouth and say it, coz it wasn't just one thing it was lots of things that all built up. I get like that, i will let things brew and keep pushing things down until BAM i just have this feeling i have to cry and im not even sure why myself half the time!!
I am not supposed to do that tho- i am under strict instructions from DH to talk to him and tell him how i am feeling so it doens;t get to that point. That has been one of our problems in the past, i let things build up and then i usually crack it over something ridiculas and make a big deal about nothing instead of talking about what is really upsetting me. But since DH has been back at work we haven't really had much "us time" (probably another reasen i was upset!!) to talk about stuff like that. I am feeling ok, i guess i just like the feeling when i am doing ok, and i try to keep it going even when something starts to upset me. If i push it away and tell myself i am still ok i can pretend. But only for so long.

Thank goodness i have all of you to listen!! Its funny, i can type how i feel really easily, i just cant open my bloody mouth to get it out!! I will most likely be able to tell shane what was going on now that i have let it out in here, i can refer to what i typed when i talk to him IYKWIM.

I am so unmotivated to work today. i am supposed to be doing end of the month stuff but its not comp work so it means i am at the desk far away, i think i will leave it and come in tomorrow, more bb for me today. i dont think i want to be home all day tomorow on my own anyway, i can come to work and try to earn some $$ (if i can stay away from the comp!!)

i bought a cool new thermometre yesterday to start taking my temps, and i sent my money order away for my opks and tests so they should turn up right when i need them (the preg tests anyway, and hopefully i wont need the opks!!) so that is some good things happening for me.

I am goona go check out what to do with my temps, have a lovely arvo ladies!!

Love you all
Katti (temporalriy borrowing crazy lady stick, you can have it back now klee!! lol)

[jlk]

Kat - Yes i did spend time with Storm, DH & I spent about 2 hrs with her just looking at her tiny feet & hands & trying to soak up as much of her as we could! We spent about an hour with her at the funeral directors the day before her funeral too!


Hey Mel & Klee, I had something to say to you both, but now I forget what it was! doh!

As for me I feel really down at the moment, maybe it was Storms photos & the fact that DH & I are the only one's who will ever see her (My family dosn't want to see the photo's)

[Auntie M]

Klee- i'm so hoping for you. but will just have to wait until monday. fingers tapping on my desk . . . glad you will be somewhere restful and loving. it will make all the difference. keep on sharing, my dear, we want it all!

SB- yes, i have watched a few of the new dr who, they are fun. you should try to see the tom baker version, which was the best and corniest dr who ever! which is saying something. such hard work for your dh, lol! twice in one day is something! thanks for the affirmation- i'd hate to leave all of you here, each has made and continues to make such a positive impact in my life and grief.

i agree it is so comforting to think of our angels all together, it makes it just a tiny bit easier to know they are all not alone - just like us. and to know that their moms and dads are special, awesome folks i would like to have Yeti hanging out with their kids.

to you on your good cry. i'm glad you shared, it is odd how those just sneak up on one. i do the same, i love the ok days so much i ignore pain until i can't. i suppose that is why it feels like the bad days sneak up. it is so good to let those feelings out, though. like CeCe said, we'll get indigestion otherwise. jealousy is such a difficult emotion, so negative and not one i think any of us is used to feeling. i'm glad you can recognize it and admit it - we all feel the same in some way or with some person. i can't say i've come to terms with my jealousy, but i know i can't get rid of it. like Mel said, it is so natural to feel bitter. but we'll all get past it, i know. someday. not yet.

Mel- sounds like good news from the doc! try to hang onto that relaxed state as long as you can! deep breath. goodness- i really thought telling your workmate would help. but folks really can't understand can they? good on your courage for trying!

Jo- so sorry you are down. the pictures can do that - it took me a while to stop reliving everything all over again after i looked at Yeti. i would love to see Storm's photos, if you would like to share. i know it isn't family, so it isn't the same, but i'd like to see your sweet angel.

Lynn- hope Hope is well and you too. lots of love.

shew. THAT is a long post! i best rest these fingers, lol! i'll be gone this weekend, off looking at fall colors up further in the mountains. hee hee, we go to the mountains to get away from our yurt in the mountains. a bit myopic, but the ocean is so very far away and i'm not sure i'd know what to do with it. talk to you all monday!

[Ellie]

Hi Everyone
Have been a bit quiet...been in a place of reflection...and have decided to cancel our ICSI cycle. Taking some time out to heal. Losing 3 babies this year is enough, can't take the chance of seeing that number increase...the pain is still too raw. I feel like I've had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders...time to sit back and smell the roses for a bit. And as DH said..."Now we can just try the old fashioned way"...lol...we live in hope!

[jlk]

Ellie - {{{HUGS}}}

AuntieM - have fun up in the mountains, I love mountains. It must be so beautiful where you live, might have to google Colorado & have a look see!

How is everyone today?

Klee - Still thinking of you with everything crossed! LOL!

[Lynn]

Wow you girls can talk. Not sure who wins the longest post but I think it is between Mel and SB.

Ellie - :hugs: I hope the break brings you some good news

Jo - if you want to share, I would be honoured to see Storm if you wanted to show me

SB - thinking of you :hugs: I hope those OPK's come in handy and do the trick. Good luck babe!

Klee - I have everything crossed for you and hope to hear some great news on Monday. We haven't used the crazy jumping green faces for a while and I would love to use them on you!

Mel -

Hi to everyone else - hope you all enjoy your weekend!

[CeCeSays]

Ok.. I feel a little mean and crazy today. We were invited over to a friend's house today. She is due the week I was and her belly is gloriously huge. I brought her over the maternity clothes I can't look at anymore. I smiled and socialized and played with the toddlers running amuck all over the house. I really tried to be upbeat. Its not her fault that my belly, though fat and flubbery, is empty and void of life. I was helping in the kitchen as all of these people I don't know were watching some college football. This friend came in and said something that really stung me. "I just want to thank you for the clothes and for not telling the others about your miscarriage. It would really be a bring-down." Am I insane? Seriously. Because when she said that I felt like I was screaming on the inside. I mean, it was hard enough to visit her. I just feel like maybe it would have been easier to breastfeed a mongoose than smile for 3 hours when I really wanted to cry and then have some pie eyed happy go lucky safely pregnant woman tell me thanks for not being a downer? I hope the hundreds of dollars in maternity outfits I gave her give her an allergic rash on her bum. Someone talk me down before I eat 25 pounds of Nutella and watch a bad 80's film.

Seriously though, how do you handle the crazy comments people feel they can share with you? I am curious. I want to come up with a load of clever comebacks in case we need them. The one of thought of after the fact (doesn't that always happen?) was : I could never be a downer after having mind-blowing sex in someone's guest bathroom. (um... we didnt but it would have been funny)

Blessings to all!

[shereejoy]

Hi Jlk. Nice to see you here.

Well ladies I am not sure if this is the thread I should have posted in.

I can see alot of you have had stillborns and for that I am deeply sorry.

I guess of recent times I have come more to grips with my m/c's as I know that m/c is definitely better then a stillbirth.

I just had a d&c on the 31st of August 07 for what appeared to be twins (identical). This is the 2nd lot of twins I have m/c, one set before the pregnancy of my son Lachlan. Now he was a very eventful pregnancy with lots of red profuse bleeding and huge clots were passed, but amazingly he is here.

I have been having a hard time trying to deal with the fact that I have lost 4 babies now and I am so confused as to why my body keeps producing them if I can't obviously carry them. So I am praying and hoping for a single healthy non-complication pregnancy, when I fall pregnant next. Although my gyno has mentioned of my high risk of having another twin pregnancy but doesn't ever believe they will be successful.

I have been beating myself up that I have a healthy son (other then some major issues with severe reflux) and I should be ever so grateful and I am but why do I still hurt. I know there are people out there far worse then my situation which makes me feel guilty for being so sad at times.

I thought I wouldn't feel so bad this time as I have proven I can have a child whereas the first time there was always doubt if I could ever have children.

Anyway sorry if I have posted in the wrong area and sorry again to those who have had stillborn babies. It touches my heart that life can be so cruel at times.

Love to all.

[jlk]

Hey Sheree

You are most welcome here, & I am so sorry for the loss of your twins, I'm sure the other ladies in this thread will welcome you too, they are the most supportive bunch I've ever met!

CeCe - How dare that woman say that to you! Some people......

Klee - Any news?

Kat & Mel - How are you both?

Hello to everyone else!

[klee]

morning ladies, gee there is a lot of catching up today.
CeCeSays - how ignorant of your so called friend, you did well to keep your composure. we know violence is no option, although i'm sure a pie in the face would have sufficed, so i guess next best thing is wit, just go with whatever your thinking, don't regret it because people don't regret what they say to us. i don't know if that helped at all
sheree - welcome, i am so sorry for your losses, don't think you aren't welcome each loss is a loss no matter how far along we are, all our babies are much wanted and thats what makes us all the same, and with you a loss of 4 would be disheartening to say the least. i hope to see you around a bit more

i'm sorry ladies but i'm going to have to keep you in suspense a little longer, couldn't get app til this afternoon for the results, i'll get mel or kat or someone to update you this afternoong cause i wont be able to get online tonight. i had a loverly weekend, yes loverly, lol don't know where that came from, spent most of it supervising the boys making a chicken shed, which in all likeliness has fallen to pieces, it was quite entertaining to say the least. mil said something interesting though, i was taking the dog for a walk just me and and she said hello you three, i went huh, maybe she knows something i don't yet. i feel like crap though y'day i had a cold, now today i've got a pain in my throat, its an odd feeling, not really a sore one, just in one spot.
anyway hi to everyone else, i will get back on shortly and do a catch up, mel and kat yours will take a day in itself lol

[klee]

hi jo, how you feeling this morrning? feeling ok? i saw that you were down late last week, hugs to you hon

[jlk]

Hey Klee, glad the weekend went well. Wow maybe MIL does knows something, some people seem to be able to just feel something sometimes.
I'm feeling a bit better at the moment, just a bit lonley i guess, living in a small country town where there are no support groups, I guess i'm finding it hard to find people to talk to!

I'll have all my fingers & toes crossed for this arvo! I so hope its positive!

[klee]

we are here anytime you need to talk, i can pm my phone number if you like, if you ever need to chat. it would be difficult in a small town not having the support groups as such. have you thought about ringing sids or bonnie babes or something? just to have that outlet?
thanks hon, the test the dr did came back with a faint line, but she seemed pretty positive, but i just don't want to jinx myself iykwim

[CeCeSays]

Welcome sheree! I am so sorry for your losses. I will be thinking good thoughts for your recovery both in the physical and emotional.

Jlk-- I understand the isolation thing. I was born and raised in Texas and am living in a small country town in Ohio while my husband goes to seminary to become a pastor. We will be in this state and away from friends for 3 more years. I'd offer to take you out for tea, but the 18 hour flight would be a bit much. Hang in there hun, you are a survivor and have a great heart.

Klee-- I am super excited for you! Its still Sunday here in the US so its nice to have good news just in time for sunday dinner! I am sure you know that most doc's offices use pee tests that are somewhat cheaper than the otc on you can buy at the stores. The ones at the hospital I used to be a nurse at test pos at something like 125 MiU. Just in case you might be worried about a faint line at the office. If you had saved all your pee pee for the doc and brought in one from drug store to pee on in front of them it prolly would have turned almost black I am in NO way wanting to jinx you but I will be that irritating woman who reminds you to celebrate when the news comes.

As for me.. I am over the rude bitty from y'day... I am peeing on OPKs and hoping against all hopes that I ovulate sometime soon. Its funny how I can be so opimistic for you all with ALL sincerity. And I am just a bit negative about my own chances of success. I, personally, love seeing the pregnancy tickers-- makes me feel like there is hope, even for me.

Blessings to you all!

[klee]

thanks cece - i did aks her what strength she used, she gave me a funny look, i couldn't think of the right word to use, she said the ones they use usually show up around 1 to 2 weeks late so must be like you said, so i guess that was reassuring to hear. i am feeling a little nervy today and making myself feel ill, this might make you laugh i think df has been turned into a piac addict, he asked me this morning what my line was like, i hadn't even considered doing one this morning until he asked me.
as for the being negative about your own chance, i think we are all feeling that for ourselves, its fantastic to hear when its someone else, but you just get thinking maybe it wont happen, sort of a i don't think i'll ever be happy mentality, i think we just have to turn it around and get thinking maybe it will happen, i know thats easier said then done though.

[CeCeSays]

klee-- making yourself ill? hmmm. Feeling yucky is a GREAT sign! I am so happy for you and for future reference, I have a LOT of wonderful happy ended stories from working Labor and Delivery that started just like yours. The same wonderful women I cried with months earlier.. I cried and cheered with when they delivered healthy happy bundles. I am praying for you. I hope thats ok... I am a praying woman. If you need to let this all soak in... thats understandable.. but just know that I am cheering for you alllll the way across the world

[angelicdragon]

Hi Sheree and welcome.. it is a stillbirth and reucrrent m/c group so you are most welcome here. I only post on the Den and here now lol.

Cece I would have been cometely dumbstruck at a comment like that. I guess until peole have walked in our shoes then it means nothing to them.Good luck with approaching O

Klee ah my, making us wait.. and yeah Drs tend to use a 50miu test which is why they hardly ever want to see pateints until they are a week or two late. With Ethan I had no line at all in the Drs rooms and yet my beta 20 mintues later came back at 143 ....

Jo I don't talk to anyone about Annabelle or our TTC. Nobody understands so I just don't bother. I don't have a big circle of friends so no party plan parties fo rme lol.. I'd have nobody to invite. We are only 7km out o ftown but you have to go up a high hill/small mountain then down the other side and it puts people off.

Kat how far out of town are you? You sound to be a ways out.

Aunty M how are you?

How is everyone else? I am past O now. Had pos OPK on Satruday morning, afternoon and Sunday morning with a negative Sunday afternoon and painful O pains so done deal now wait. My worry though is lack of fertile CM so I am wondering if that is why we have not got a BFP. I am going to look up the cost of preseed ready for next month. I know I see the RE on Wednesday afternoon but I am pretty sure he won't say anything other than for my age to keep trying.

hugs
Judy