howdy everyone. i've decided to go for the full time, at least for a couple of months. mostly to save up some in case we are lucky on the pregnancy front. it is so difficult to give up those two days, though. (she says as she sits and types personal messages while at "work".)

Bailey- yeah, it sounds strange, but i'd rather chop wood than do what i've been trained to do. but i can't chop all day long, and the pay isn't great. lol. i feel guilty taking two days off when the purpose of me going part time was to take care of Yeti. i guess he doesn't need me to do that now.

Nat- good luck on the IVF. hopefully af doesn't show her face anymore.

Klee- i am chopping wood because we don't have central heat and last winter we ran out of wood, and i was the first to complain. that makes it my job according to dh, lol. Mel is so right, it is difficult to communicate with people now. they seem to want something superficial, but it is just so impossible to forget pain so that one can make "small talk". good riddance, i say. you deserve to do whatever it is that makes life possible for you. friendships certainly aren't static, and the movement can't always be towards being closer. hugs to you.

Jo- hope you and your kids feel better soon.

Lynn- glad you are feeling a bit better. the lilies sound perfect. i don't know if it ever gets easier. i listened to a bluegrass song called "mamma cried" this weekend, and i understood it for the first time (i've had the album for years). it is about the singer's mamma, who worked farm chores all day and cried every evening "because her little boy was gone." it is a traditional bluegrass song, and i feel in my bones that it is based in truth. the pain we all share has been borne by so many others throughout time, and it doesn't appear to go away easily.

Mel- good luck with the Clomid. and with the mind games of this monthly rollercoaster. i'm taking your advice today and getting a facial from a friend. maybe that will take my mind off of whether this will be the month. or not.

Katti- i'm glad you brought up the thought that your angles may choose to be born to you again. i have thought the same thing, and then almost instantly that i am dishonoring Yeti by thinking that. i mean, what if i am wrong and he doesn't choose to be with me here again? i suppose it is natural to wonder things, and natural that we will never know the answers. perhaps it is enough that we want our angels back so badly that they can feel our love and that we miss them and it doesn't matter what form the thoughts are in. i'm also so sorry about your family troubles. it can be difficult for some folks to step outside their own points of view (heck, it can be difficult for us all) and to see and feel the pain that others are in. i've run into others who seem unable to accept my pain as a reason to not do exactly as they wish me to do (and as i may have done just 5 months ago), and i am shocked every darn time. then i remember that i too have at other times in my life exhibited ego rather than compassion. what a horrible lesson this has been to me. just do what you need to do to get through each day, and if that isn't acceptable to your sister, then deal with that after. it is so difficult to get through parties with children like you describe, and you two did just the right thing for you. that is enough. hugs.