Hi everyone!!

I popped in quickly yesterday to show my mum a bit of what BB is all about. She was very respectful and didn't read too much, but she was really happy that i had found all of you and that we were all so supportive of eachother!! i did show her the little bit that Klee wrote about me, and my mum thought it was just the ducks nuts. She was so happy for me and for anyone else who was gaining something from BB!!!
I sometimes think it has been harder on her watching me go through all of this, i forget sometimes she is my "MUM" just like i am trying to be a mum and she knows how it feels to watch her child in pain. She has experienced one mis carrage, just before she had me. Like you girls say, sometimes my own pain is like an out of body experience. I think because i have had to tell so many people what has happened, it just rolls off my tongue now, i dont even have to think. Which is really quite sad.
WARNING BIG WINGE COMING UP>>>>>
Even today at work in the pub, i got asked how my baby was going....... another lovely non regular customer who noticed i haven't been here but hadn't bothered to ask anyone else how i was.... then they see me and remember that i was pregnant and ask about the baby. I am trying to work and collect plates and glasses and i get to stand there and explain ' "No sorry, she didn't make it, just over there next to the stage is the tree we planted for her"and I just have to smile and keep going. I feel bad for the people who ask too though, they obviously have no idea or they wouldn't ask (i dont beleive anyone has done so deliberately) and if Zahra had lived and they didn't ask about her i probly would be mad too!!! Its just so hard!! Its been nearly 9 months and i am still running into people who dont know. And unfortunately its not as if they are just randomly asking me about kids, it's all ppl who saw me 8 months pregnant who want to ask me about my baby. I didn't really want to be gossiped about, but COME ON!!! the town i live in is tiny!!! I shouldn't have to be doing this still!!! Its like no one in the town actually talks about what happened. Which is fair enough, but it leaves it all on me.
I went into hiding for about a month and didn't see anyone, and then i did get out and had about 2 months of telling someone new each day and then it sort of died off abit and it was like every other day i would see someone. I made myself sit at the pub so i could tell people and then get to go home and cry. I knew i had to that, because its the only place i would see these people and it was better to have it happen on my terms then while i was working. I thought i had told most people. And then i came back to work and realised there were STILL people who didn;t know and id have to put up with it everytime i would have to go into the bar - Not even for a shift, just passing through on the way to the post office or to get my lunch. And then i started getting people who knew who wanted to console me and give me their best wishes, which is lovely, BUT I AM AT WORK!! I have had that many people "Consoling" me by crying on MY shoulder!!!
Even after 5 months of being back my boss reluctantly asked if i could do a bar shift and that day i had to tell like three people, she saw and came up and said," Dont worry, i'll find someone else, i had no idea that was still happenening to you!" - so now im still not supposed to do bar shifts. Today i was just helping out because it was busy and BAM i get whacked with it straight up. I have only now gotten back upstairs to the office and i am nearly in tears typing this. No wonder shane hates it when i go to work! If i didn't have you guys to tell i would probly end up just holding it in, coz if i tell shane its still happening, he wont let me come back! And i would be all upset and just take it out on him. Most days its fine. Well actually most days im on the net!! Its only when i go down stairs. Its just when im least expecting it or im having a good day that some one will ask and it gets to me. And then of course it doesn't leave my mind till i have a good cry. And then i have the customers who miss me and say how happy they are to see me back and out and about (like i am all better now) and they wish i'd come back to the bar and pour them a decent beer!! I tell them i will be back after i pop out a baby, and until then they have to put up with **** beer!! I have far more important things going on in my life!!

Speaking of which, i am convincing myself i am feeling pregnant. Can you have such early feelings? Considering if i am, i am only at most 2 weeks - but softdrink is tasting funny and my moles are really itchy. (one of my big signs, it has happened every time i have been pregnant). Like i said, i think i am convincing myself though. We will have to wait and see!!

My sweet mum bought me the Elevit vitamins yesterday - I was taking other ones before that, but when it was time for more mummy decided we should get the best. Bloody expensive, but they are supposed to be worth it. Thanx mum
So i am abit like Mel, jiggling when i walk, vitamins, folic acid and aspirin, im on it all. Shane teases me and calls me a pill popper!! I said he's welcome to have some too.... maybe i should get some of those herbs and he can strengthen his uteris too!!!

Aunty M i am glad that you had a look. I think your image of Yeti is a beautiful one! He is wherever you imagine him to be!! We have a few photos, in some she looks like me and in others she looks like shane, she had my body shape, but most of shane's features. In one she looks like she is just sleeping but in the others its quite obvious she is not. I tend not to look at those ones as much.
For Darren, i try to forget he had a body at all. Because of my personal issues with guilt at not being able to make his body properly for him, i just imagine he was never stuck in it at all. To me he was just my special spirit who hung close to me for 18 weeks and never had to suffer - his body was irrelevant. Actually, back to what we were saying before about how our angels felt, Yeti sounds like how i felt Darren, so we can picture their little male spirits flying around together!! They have all they need.

LYNN Thank you for your kind words!! I am really hoping i graduate soon too!!
I think signs are important too. i took the aussies winning the cricket as one!! What day do you have your scans? Was it tuesdays? or is that someone else? Good luck anyway with your next one. Will you be going by yourself again? or was that just a one off coz you had to? Mums are great for support!

KLEE Your photos sound really nice. I have Zahra's ultra sound photos too - coz your right for that time, they were alive inside us. I try to focus on that abit too. And anything i did or went to while i was pregnant was her little life!!

EVERYONE Mel says hi!! she is settling in nicely. She did hurt her foot though, but shes ok. She is wishing everyone all the best!

I feel better after letting all that out. i did shed a tear, but it has helped.

Goodnight !

Tonight i wish everyone a peaceful dream!
Katti xoxo